Thursday funnies
May 26th 2004, 10:13 pm
#1
Guest
Posts: n/a
Thursday funnies
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe.
He spends years with them, teaching reading, writing, maths and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child.... It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is
a natural occurrence... what we in the civilised world call an albino!Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this upon occasion.
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby!"
Mick
He spends years with them, teaching reading, writing, maths and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gave birth to a white child.... It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "Chief, you're mistaken. What you have here is
a natural occurrence... what we in the civilised world call an albino!Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this upon occasion.
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby!"
Mick
May 26th 2004, 10:44 pm
#2
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Edens Landing, half way between Brisbane and Gold coast
Posts: 652
nice one 
paul
paul
May 27th 2004, 12:23 am
#3
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Arrived in Brisbane - 5th August '04.
Posts: 146
Brian and Sarah are staying in a hotel and after a
romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settle down, Brian (not quite
ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey
snuggle boopy doops, your little hubby wubby isn't
quite ready for nighty-nighty yet."
Sarah takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use
the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way
back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat
on her face.
Brian jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, "Oh
my precious little honey bunny, is your noseywosey all
righty?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and
they have mad passionate sex for three hours.
Afterwards, Sarah goes off to the bathroom again, but
on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and
again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Brian looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.
However, as soon as they settle down, Brian (not quite
ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey
snuggle boopy doops, your little hubby wubby isn't
quite ready for nighty-nighty yet."
Sarah takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use
the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way
back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat
on her face.
Brian jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, "Oh
my precious little honey bunny, is your noseywosey all
righty?" No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and
they have mad passionate sex for three hours.
Afterwards, Sarah goes off to the bathroom again, but
on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and
again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Brian looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch."
May 27th 2004, 12:28 am
#4
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Arrived in Brisbane - 5th August '04.
Posts: 146
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any". The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some dainties".
Next the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Bejasus Woman. You've No knickers - why not"? She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any". He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20pounds, go and buy yourself some!�
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is also wearing no undies. "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers? "She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me". For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any". The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some dainties".
Next the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Bejasus Woman. You've No knickers - why not"? She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any". He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20pounds, go and buy yourself some!�
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is also wearing no undies. "Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers? "She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me". For the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit.
May 27th 2004, 12:33 am
#5
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Arrived in Brisbane - 5th August '04.
Posts: 146
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"But" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there is Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the House."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you."
"Not myself, personally, no" said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."
"But" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there is Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the House."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you."
"Not myself, personally, no" said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."
May 27th 2004, 12:59 am
#7
Guest
Posts: n/a
May have posted this before but makes me laugh everytime I read it, just that mental picture thing
A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore.
He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them in her husband's drink
and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she
put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made love.
The next night she put two viagras in his coffee and that night the sex was ecstatic.
The next night she said "What the hell!" and dumped the whole bottle in his coffee.
Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's
son answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was going, the boy
replied, "Mum's dead, sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my arse hurts, and Dad is
buck naked in the yard yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty."
Mick
A woman complained to her Doctor that her husband never wanted sex anymore.
He gave her a bottle of Viagra pills, telling her to put them in her husband's drink
and her husband would be recharged. The woman was filled with doubt, but she
put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made love.
The next night she put two viagras in his coffee and that night the sex was ecstatic.
The next night she said "What the hell!" and dumped the whole bottle in his coffee.
Sometime later the Doctor called to check on his patient's progress. The woman's
son answered the phone. When the Doctor asked how everyone was going, the boy
replied, "Mum's dead, sis left home, the maid's pregnant, my arse hurts, and Dad is
buck naked in the yard yelling, "Here, kitty, kitty."
Mick
May 27th 2004, 1:13 am
#8
Guest
Posts: n/a
Sorry to any scousers out there BUT :-
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and
350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously
gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella
finally
plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning
over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him
all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car
park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the
bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like
that" he says "Just what did he say to you?">"I'm not sure" the big scouser
replies. "Something about a job."
=========================================
Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit
him?
A: It might be your bicycle
=========================================
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged
=================================================
Q: What do you call a
Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A. A Burglar
=================================================
Q: What do you call a
Scouser in a tie?
A. The accused
================================================
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
============================================
Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut
=========================================
Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please
=========================================
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
A: What you looking at?
========================================
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit
A: The Bride
========================================
On the subject of Scousers.........
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the
counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a
very
wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin
daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform
provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be
provided
and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their
overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you f****** started it
Mick
At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and
350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously
gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella
finally
plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning
over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him
all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car
park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the
bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like
that" he says "Just what did he say to you?">"I'm not sure" the big scouser
replies. "Something about a job."
=========================================
Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit
him?
A: It might be your bicycle
=========================================
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged
=================================================
Q: What do you call a
Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A. A Burglar
=================================================
Q: What do you call a
Scouser in a tie?
A. The accused
================================================
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
============================================
Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut
=========================================
Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please
=========================================
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
A: What you looking at?
========================================
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit
A: The Bride
========================================
On the subject of Scousers.........
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the
counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a
very
wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin
daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform
provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be
provided
and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their
overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you f****** started it
Mick
