Fiona&malc

We've been in Oz now for a year and a half, and had our ups and downs like everyone else, but now we are getting to a stage where we feel 'settled', we are enjoying our jobs, have made friends and have a social life again, and neither of us have any desire to return to the UK, the kids are happy, have friends and love the school they go to, however, when we moved out here, my parents (in particular my dad) took it very badly, so much so that my dad was prescibed anti depressants, which made me feel like a complete b!tch for 'leaving them', they have got slightly better, but whenever we talk to them on the phone or the webcam, there is always a question or comment made asking us when we will be returning, it gets to the point where you dread talking to them, which is awful. Its not as if im an only child, i have brothers too, but anyway, last night i was talking to my mum on the webcam and she drops the bombshell that one of my brothers will be separating from his wife!! they havnt made it offical, nor does anyone know about it yet (i am not even supposed to know!!) and then my mum tells me it would be easier if we were here, that me and malc could go talk to them both and help sort it out- see this was the thing that used to really pi$$ me off, we would always be expected to help sort out any 'mess' or help out in any crisis. Then later that night, i get an email from my brother (the one who is separating) asking me how we are and also, when are we coming back home as things are not the same without us and they all really miss us and im missing out on seeing my niece grow up etc etc, this is just so unfair, we are really trying to make a go of our new life and loving out here, but yet im constantly getting asked when we are coming back, it constantly puts damper on things, i mean the thought of going back does not appeal as we have a far better quality of life here, but if anything happened healthwise to my parents i would feel responsible
i apologise for this thread, as normally i make my posts light hearted, but needed to 'offload' somewhere to people who (hopefully) understand.
You would think after a year and a half they would find it easier to accept that we are here, and i appreciate that having family around is very important when something like this happens, but im made to fell guilty for not being there to help sort things out, or for moral support, it sucks !!!

anyway, got that off my chest

fee

Vanessa

How selfish of them all. They should realise that you have your own family now that takes precedence over them. If your brother and his wife are having marriage troubles then surely their best bet would be go to somewhere like Relate, who are professionals in their field. Are they really suggesting that by you returning to the UK all their problems will be solved and they will want to live happily ever after. If they can/want to make a go of their marriage then they will do, whether you are around or not.

I am afraid to say that you are going to have to be truthful with your family about how you feel, whether they like it or not. It's called 'tough love' and sometimes that is the only way to go.

With regards to your family (parents in particular) getting ill. Yes they probably will do one day but this will happen whether you are in the UK or Australia - The UK is only a day away and if needs be you will be able to get home relatively quickly.

Think about what is best for you and your husband and children - not your extended family.

Finally - DON'T LET THE BUGGERS GET YOU DOWN!

movetoperth

Fee

you must feel awful, but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

They haven't moved on because they are holding on to the hope you'll go back, you have to tell them so they can do the grieving bit and then get on with things. This will in the end make everyones relationship better, you wont dread the phone calls and the emails and they will be happy to hear our news and not spend half the time trying to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

It is sad to hear that a bunch of grown ups are making someone they love feel so guilty about doing nothing wrong.

Take the plunge, just say, you do realise thatwe are here for good, we won't be coming back because our lives are here but we are always just at the end of the phone.

Good luck and drop the guilt you don't deserve it.

Lynn

moneypenny20

That is just so selfish of your family. They obviously don't think before speaking! That sort of comment is similar to the one my youngest gets from her best mate and they are 11.

Anyway if your brother is going to split up with his wife, why will your imput make any difference, if you did try to help you can almost guarantee that your comments will come back accusingly at some point in the future

Your parents are fairly guaranteed to die before you do, there is no way that will be your fault and it never will be!

I don't know if this would help, but it has helped me stop questions like that - start a blog just for family and friends back in the UK. Everything we are doing with photos and how chuffed we are with our lives. It sort of clears up any feelings family and friends have that we are "not really" happy.

They also feel more involved in our lives than they do through phone calls and web cams.

Hope you feel a bit better now you've got it off your chest though. BE does have it's uses

sasbear

Don't apologize for a thread where you share your despair and feelings - that is what we are all here for

I know exactly what you mean - I did at some stage intend to go back for a visit - we have been here 20 months - but to tell the truth, the longer I am here the more settled I feel. I even spoke to OH last night and we agreed we would spend our hard earned dollars on having a fab holiday this year - the kids are going back to visit their extended families so OH and i plan to go to the coast - why should i feel that I must work all year and then spend the entire holidays and lots of dosh on going back to the UK to divide my time up between ppl? Just not going to do it - not been brave enough to tell anyone back there yet though

But I am fighting the guilt over this one - guilt is a natural part of being human - accept it get over it - if we didn't feel guilt at things - even if there is no real reason to feel guilt - we would be hard arrogant people.

ELLJAY

[QUOTE=movetoperth]
It is sad to hear that a bunch of grown ups are making someone they love feel so guilty about doing nothing wrong.

Take the plunge, just say, you do realise thatwe are here for good, we won't be coming back because our lives are here but we are always just at the end of the phone.


Yes - thats what i would say also. Be firm but nice. If they need it spelling out - then spell it out " We love Austrialia - and we won't be returning to UK"

Good luck,

L-j

Fiona&malc

Thanks for the kind words guys, i really appreciate it

We have always been upfront and honest to our families telling them we will give oz our best shot and would only come back if things didnt work out, but thankfully everything has worked out so far and we are happy. But it seems some people can be deaf to a lot of things and only hear what they want to hear.

I have to stop feeling as guilty, im terrible for it

Anyway, talking to you lot on BE always helps,
Thanks everyone

ELLJAY

What state are you in (i mean NSW etc!) not physically!
pm me your tel no. and i'll fone u. i always like a natter

L-j

Fiona&malc

later on i will be in a drunken state hopefully, hehe

have pm'd my details to you, thanks

Lord Pom Percy

why not ask your parents if they want to immigrate to oz?

Lindsay Clan

Family eh, they're great aren't they!!!! Don't feel guilty, at the end of the day you moved to Oz because that's what you wanted to do for you and your immediate family. If your parents/brothers etc can't deal with that then that's their problem, not yours. They are all big enough and ugly enough to sort out their own problems and shouldn't rely on you to do it for them, that's very selfish of them all. Just stick to your guns and tell them truefully that you, hubby and kids are loving your new life and will not be coming back and they are more than welcome to come out for a "sticky beak" as they say here. Good luck and continue to enjoy your new life.

Lorraine

Fiona&malc

That would be a good solution but Hell would have to freeze over before my stubborn mother would do that, it all stems back to my mums sister who moved out here in the late 1950's and broke my grandparents heart etc etc, and although my grandparents are long gone, my mum would never do that, it sounds completely stupid i know, but my mum can be one stubborn mule and would never contemplate such a thing, she likes meeting her friends for their coffee mornings and doing churchy stuff and is too set in her ways, even when she was out here on holiday she complained about everything.. its too hot, the water tastes disgusting, foods not good.....shall i go on ???

ELLJAY

Do i sense a scottish theme goin on here?

Fiona - tartan avator
Lindsay clan - speaks for itself

Please can i join.......I once worked in the Pringle shop at Walt Disney World in Florida :scared:

Fiona&malc

Oooh i know someone who worked there too, trying to remember how long ago that was, must have been early ninties perhaps

movetoperth

Strewth she sounds so much like mine, except for the church bit.

It actually makes it worse that she has been here and seen how good your life is, yet still hopes you'll give it up to go back to end up living her life. She sounds like a typical scottish wifie, i bet all her coffee morning cronies get to hear about is "how well my fiona is getting on in australia".

I've changed my mind on what you should tell her, forget about being diplomatic, just divorce them all, just tell them, right i've had enough, my ife here is great i am not having all you dour buggers putting a dampner on it, if you can't get on living your own lives and have something cheery to tell me when i phone then i wont be bothering.

Once you get past the guilt the anger will kick in, i know it did with me, i felt really guilty about not being there but then i just got really angry at them for making me feel like that. Just remember to tell your kids if you ever get like that they have to shoot you

Lynn