Jan4kids

Apologies if this is in the wrong forum...but thought it may get more 'traffic' here as a starting point.

My Mum has been diagnosed with Stomach Cancer and the prognosis isn't good. Things were looking up.....She had just begun the process to come over on a Contributory Parents Visa and be with us here. Obviously this isn't going to happen now. I so wanted her to be here, she was great and had no problems what so ever with us emigrating, but being an only child it felt so wrong to abandon her all the same

Despite this being an enevitable part of the emigration journey it is still a very difficult situation to be in. I have been plotting and planning a visit to see her one last time for the last few weeks....a logistical nightmare what with 4 kids, Husbands work hours, my job etc...not to mention the cost of it all (although that doesn't really seem important in the big scheme of things now)

Well to cut it short and spending a long time being very sad thinking about that final goodbye moment or worse still the never ending guilty feelings if I don't get to see her before she dies.....I was chatting to a neighbour and she suggested that my Mum comes here (Oz) to die. I hadn't even thought about it from that perspective!! If she is willing and strong enough to make the journey that would be an excellent solution all round.

I was just wondering how the Visa/Medicare/Reciprocal agreement side of things would work out....if at all. Does anyone have experience of this kind of situation and can offer advice?? or a pointer of where to ask about conditions of entry in this case?

Please excuse my very 'matter of factness' about the whole situation, if I put my emotions in writing I will crumble and be under a grey cloud (again) for the next few days....trying to be brave (not a natural trait of mine) you see

Hope this makes sense....thanks for reading.

Jan x

goldchoccycoin

I can't answer the question but I just wanted to offer my sympathies and support and hope it all works out for you and your Mum.

ozzieclare2b

Im sorry to hear about your mum and it must be a terrible situation to be in. I can understand the logistics of wanting your mum with you, but how would she feel about this? Yes its difficult bringing all the family over there etc but what if she doesnt want to go, what if she wants to live out her final days in her own country? With a healthcare system she is familiar with and more support. Personally i think she would recieve far better care in the uk , in a country where you all know the system. (your mums medications for one might cost alot of money)

As for the visa situation have you spoken to an agent? I think that would be the first step. It must be an awful place to be for you all and i dont know what i would do if it were my mum

spartacus

Sorry for the crap situation Jan.

My mother in law passed away very recently over here. She and my FIL were on temporary visas and as such had no recourse to Medicare. She was diagnosed with bowel cancer three years ago whilst living here and was treated privately on their own medical insurance as this wasn't a pre-existing condition. I think reciprocal agreements only really cover emergency situations. That's without considering any visa requirements.

All the best to you and yours.

Nu-Shooz

Blimey Jan, what a situation to be in.
I have no idea of the ins and outs about a visa for your mum. Just want to give you a cyber hug and hope things turn out the way you plan.
My mum in UK has cancer too. It is always so difficult to know what to do. But my dad is looking after her so i am still here in OZ, but hoping to get back to UK soon to be with her.

Good luck

shiels

So sorry to hear this, my thoughts are with you and your mum x. C x

Dorothy

Start here, Jan. There is a visa your mother could come over on, but it's a very expensive proposition. I would think, like another poster said, that it would be easier on her to stay at home, where she's lived all her life to die. She will be somewhere familiar, which is important to some people in the final stages of life.

My father is also dying and as much as I would love to bring him here to the sunshine and clean air I wouldn't take him away from his familiar surroundings just now.

I also wanted to say how sorry I am for your situation. I do understand how difficult it is to be so far away when someone you love is so sick. If you need to let your emotions out please feel free to PM me.

Damson

What a truly horrible situation to be in - I'm so sorry for you. One thing to be considered I guess is the length of the trip which as you know can be gruelling even for the fittest of folk and I just wonder how she would feel about it. I really hope you manage to find some sort of solution in what is a nightmare for you all.
Lorraine

spartacus

Jan, just a thought, but you could look at things from a different perspective, and perhaps count yourself blessed that you will, more than likely, be given the opportunity to spend time with your mother previous to her passing, many people don't get that chance.

As I said, just a thought.

Cheetah7

Having lost my own Mum within 6 weeks of diagnosis to lung/liver cancer, I shall pass on the best advice to you that was given to me by Sue Admin of the BE site.

Spend as much time as you can with her, make the most of every single second.

Advice from myself would be to leave nothing unsaid, anything you want to say sorry for then do it, tell her how much you love her and make her final weeks/months special.

Im afraid I agree with the others, in my Mums last few weeks, she wanted to be at home and she remained at home until she collapsed one day and did her final journey to the hospital and then the hospice.

A strange healthcare system, a different culture, things that you initially thought she would have embraced as she was going to move over with you, could well seem hostile to her in her own world of illness and the predictable outcome.

She is going to want familiarity in all forms (the nurses at the hospice told me this and oh how right they were),moving country is stressful enough as you know, your Mum shouldn't have that stress.

All the time and effort you will spend trying to get her to Australia will be better used trying to get you back to your Mum to be with her.

My sister wasnt with Mum when Mum died and it is something that haunts her so much

Jan, I am begging you please do not try to bring her to you, find a way - any way of getting back to the UK.

I feel so sorry for you, this is one hell of a journey and you wont realise how much inner strength you have until you have to use it and you will wonder how you will get through it - but I promise you that you will.

Keep things constant for your dear Mum, you will have to shoulder the stress by finding a way to get back to the UK, which you will no doubt do and cope well and by doing that, will minimise upheaval for your Mum.

And one final thing which I hate to say, cancer is a cruel bastard of a disease and can be aggressive - so hope for the best with the timeframe but don't assume time is on your side (again from experience).

My god I could cry for you and I could cry for NuShooz - this is one thing I would not wish on anyone.

(bloody crying myself now)

Alborg

Not a good situation to be in.

I think if it was me I'd probably do everything I could to spend the last days with my mum in the UK, whether that meant moving back to the UK for a few months temporarily or whatever (with or without OH/kids). I guess alot would depend on your support network in Oz and back in the UK on how that would work on a logistical basis etc. I certainly wouldn't want her to die in an unfamiliar country half way around the world. Home is where the heart is as they say.

Above all I would want to know in myself that I've done everything physically possible to make things right (that would ultimately mean going home) - forget about the day to day limitations. Money, jobs, security etc. come and go. Who cares if you spend all your savings doing it and lose your job for example. Once she's gone, she's gone.
.

Cheetah7

How true that is, I gave up my nursing degree to be with Mum - my god we struggled for money, the NHS bursary people demanded some of the bursary back, we had no wage coming in from me and our rent didnt get paid for a month or maybe two.

It was the darkest hour of my life but I wouldnt have changed it - I had that time with my Mum and the financial struggle was awful but it couldnt have bought that priceless time and the cherished moments I had with Mum.

Alborg, you hit the nail on the head.

best4ever

I agree - if you can, spend as much time with her here in the UK. We had great plans for my mother-in-law to come and visit for 6 months of the year if we got out, other son to bring her to airport, us to fly to singapore to meet her, we had it all arranged. Buy at least a 4 bedroom house, a room for her. However, we dont have that situation now. She was diagnosed with stomach cancer also - was given chemo which went against her, rather than with her. Never came out of hospital. Died 4 weeks later, June 08. She couldnt have managed the flight anyway when we look back before she was diagnosed because she was ill then, but never thought it was would end this way.

We never in a million years thought that would have happened to her. We always thought positive, chemo would work, she had a while left to live, she would get better, she would come out and visit, but no.

I know you will want to be with your family in oz, but life is so short and precise, very hard for you in both situations, and I only hope you dont go through and witness what we did because it was very very sad and upsetting for all. Such a waste of a life.

I really feel for you. So hard at this time.

Cheetah7

A very hard decision to make, that's for sure.

ausi dream

So sorry to hear the news, i quite agree with professional princess.

Spend as much time as you can with her, make the most of every single second.

I too lost my mother four months before leaving to emigrate, and i wish i had spent so much more time with my mum.