gjs

Ok,so we have been here six months,myself,OH two toddlers ...and the now 19 year old nightmare that is our daughter.Everything is good in our life now,hubby got a job quickly,in a nice rental,have begun a house build,love the area etc. etc.
Only blot has been the daughter.She has had one proper job,lasted four weeks and was sacked,is picking up approx one days work every fortnight on a casual basis,squanders whatever money she has,doesn't contribute anything apart from grief.Honestly,I wouldn't believe that one person could be so disruptive,selfish and lazy.
There are loads of jobs here,but she has made only half hearted attempts to get one.She barely does anything around the house,she causes all the arguments in the family.we are at our wits end.She has us both upset and furious.Cannot understand how she has turned in to such a lazy person.And it gets worse.
Her old boyfriend from the uk is arriving today for two weeks.This was arranged between them before we left for OZ.So she has known about it for six months.I though it would be nice for them to go to Sydney and see the sights-also thought it would give her a incentive to get a job and save up.Well she has squandered all the money she had-and one of her new friends has spent $300 buying her a ticket to Sydney!!I am ashamed of he,that she would accept such an expensive present.
Then the killer.The friend who bought her the ticket also pcked her up this am to go to the airport.She phoned ne from there saying she had lost her passport on the way!The one with her PR visa that she needs when she has job interviews etc.Am so angry can't even think straight,we are paying rent and mortgage at the moment,money is tight.How much will it cost to replace the passport?And the catch 22-she has no job so no money,can't get a passport without a job,so passport must be replaced ASAP.
Sorry this must sound awful,but I am so depressed because of her behaviour,and this is the last straw.I just don't know what we can do to get her to grow up and take a bit of responsibility.Not expecting any answers really,ust so down about it all

shade8

I feel sorry for you i really do but going back to been a teenager and my parents had moved me around the world I wouldn't of been happy either plus leaving a boyfriend I would also of made my parents life hell.
I'm now 40+ but at that time of my life I would of hated them.

gjs

I know.I can remember being 19,but at 19 I already had her and lived away from my parents,had a job,had a mortgage.The boyfriend that is coming over-surely if he was the one she could manage six months without going out with someone else...which she hasn't.I just think that at 19 you should make your own decisions and be your own person.
And she wanted to come to Australia.I think if she had hated it when we came on the reccie,we wouldn't have applied for our visas,as I couldn't have left her behind.

sasbear

Sorry you are having such a tough time - I sympathise with you and the family.

Kids are never straight forward and they can hurt you sodeeply and frustrate you to the point of insanity.

I am speaking with experience of a 19 year old boy 17 year old daughter and 16 year old daughter. If it isn't one then it is the other.

I sometimes think they take it in turns to get the attention?

My advise would be...calm down and stop giving her too much thought..while she has you upset and worried and causing arguements then she is getting plenty of attention. I have had this with one of my kids. I used to get myself worked up into such a state worrying/anger/stress - and it didn't achieve anything. Just let it wash over you for a day or two - see if it makes a difference.

You may have to replace the passport - but I would see this as a dividing line and tell her 'ok I will replace it - but you will have to repay at some point' and also say 'what you earn is yours - but please make sure you have enough to contribute to the family' i.e. my 19 year old went through the stage of having small income so I just expected a lot more help around the house instead of $$ donations towards living costs. When he began to earn more and was still reluctant to pay - the family used to have take away food once or twice a week and I would say 'are you chipping in?' and if the answer was no then we would eat without them and they would have to get a simple meal for themselves.

JAJ

Are you saying you would let your 19 year old veto your life plans?

gjs

No,I'm saying that I wouldn't have left a child (ie under 18 behind.)However we were always going to apply for our visa,and once she hit 18 it was up to her whether she wanted to come with us.We did not know for sure if she was coming until the day we actually left Heathrow.
Should add she was 15 when we came for our recie,so this has been a long time in the planning.

gjs

Thanks for your reply.I honestly think we have tried everything,I'm just tired of always feeling so angry.I,ve got two little ones,three and one and it's just not fair on them,there is an atmosphere and it can't be good for them.We feel like a broken record -did you look at the job ads-can you hoover your room-phone if you're going to be late/not coming home-bring your dirty clothes downstairs etc etc.She's more like a 13 year old.Actally glad she's not here for a week,will give us a break from it all.

kwprwn

I think you need to sit down and have a serious chat with her, but may be just as the old boyfriend is coming may not be a good time, let her get this over and done with, go to sydney, do what she needs to do etc and then once he has gone then you need to give her a good kick up the backside, I know this is inevitably going to lead to some yelling and arguing but you need to tell her that you can not afford to keep supporting her and giving her money, particularly if you dont have too much to spare. You need to say if you dont get a job etc then we are only going to give you x amount of dollars (you decide how much and stick to it) and tell her once its gone then no more is forthcoming, anything else she needs or wants in the ways of luxuries, then she will need to provide for herself by getting a job of some sorts

Once you have told her this you need to stick to this decision and not give in, even though it will cause some arguments initially, but if she sees that you are not going to give in then she will hopefully come round a bit to your way of thinking

It will be hard for you to stick to this as well as hard for her to do, but in time she should come round, you just have to stick to your guns

As for the passport, this is an issue that you need to get it replaced, as you never know, when you may need it. The cost issue, like someone else is that she should pay you back as she has lost it or agree to 50/50 or a figure you can decide yourselves, but again stick to this and pressure her

I know this may sound harsh but I think this is the only way you can deal with it, you have to be firm with her

PS she is very lucky to have a friend who will pay $300 for her flights...I dont know many people who would do that for someone they have only known a short time

Hope this helps

D

gjs

Thanks for your reply.We have stopped giving her cash,but I know that she "finds" it lying around.The passport will cost around $250,really a big amount for us at the moment,so she would have to pay it back..we did buy her a mobile for work,so employers could get in touch with her-she lost that on a night out.She also lost a passport last year,just before we got our visas so we had to fork out for that as well.When she cameback to the house this am to get ID to get on the plane-she had tipped out her suitcase to look for the passport and just about half the contents were mine,best shoes,make up etc.Am pretty sick of her,will try talking to her again when she comes back, but this has got to be the last time.You are right about her friend,he is such a nice guy and she is using him the way she uses us.

biggy

re the passport.....is she sure she took it with her...its probs lyin in her room somewhere.

regards her being lazy and not finding a job.........stop doing things for her, make her do her own washing, cooking etc, dont give her money, if she wants to live there she needs to contribute to the family house, or tell her she can go back to school if she wants treated like a child....my opinion on the matter lol

take a deep breath, stand your ground, if she continues to cause arguments, the rest of the family will need to just ignore her and then she wont be able to make waves

Tiggs+Graz

Def check the whole house before paying for a new passport. My eldest 'lost' his passport and we replaced it and 3 months later it turned up again in his room (i thought that i had checked everywhere! )

As for the rest of her behaviour it sounds to me like a case of attention seeking...
With two young children in the house i would like to bet that your eldest is feeling left out and jealous (even at 19).

I am in a similar situation with a 16 year old, a 3 year old and a 2 year old and we have been through some tough patches. I can remember one day in particular i got so worked up with my eldest i actually had pains in my chest and i couldnt stop shaking with rage. To be honest this was a bit of a turning point far me and i decided to change tactics. I set some basic ground rules for him to do with acceptable behaviour and i told him that he was going to have to take responsibility for himself as i was no longer going to do it for him and while i didn't actually threaten to throw him out i do admit to implying it. (this seems very harsh when i read it back but sometimes you get to the limit of what you and the rest of your family can take and while i would never see him living on the streets i would certainly have worked something out to give him the big shock that he needed to get the message across). As it turned out the implied threat was enough.

The most important things imo is to be firm and consistant. I have found it really tough to leave things to him but he has taken on the challenge pretty well and i have been really impressed by him. By himself he has sorted a college place and is actually getting there and doing the work on his own initiative. The outcome (at least so far) is a marked improvement in his behaviour and while not perfect it is a huge improvement.

Sorry this has ended up so long winded buti just wanted to add one last point. Your daughter taking your things is bad enough and i would certainly tell her that it is not going to be tolerated - but more to the point taking money is without a doubt stealing. This is certainly where i would start with the boundaries!!

Adele

esperanza

gjs
It sounds like things are really difficult for you at the moment. It's stressful enough relocating to the other side of the world without extra problems.
However, realise that your 19 year old is feeling all the same stress but does not have the experience & maturity that you have - so she cannot cope with it as well as you. I would put money on the fact that from her perspective you are ignoring her and only care about the young ones. All you give her is grief. (I should add that I think stealing is totally unacceptable and yes she should get a job, but I'm thinking from her upset 19yr old point of view).
I remember being 19 and it is a very hard time - on the one hand you desperately want to be independent, and treated as an adult, but on the other hand there are things you still need lots of support with - it's hard to back down sometimes and admit weakness, as you really don't want to seem immature.
Your daughter may be scared that she cannot get a decent job, so the easiest way of avoiding the issue is to not apply for jobs, thus she cannot fail/be rejected. It is really demoralising feeling that you can't get a job.
Having said all of that, I would have to agree with the advice of others that the only way to deal with this is to be firm and fair, set boundaries and stick to them. Be clear (and reasonable) about what you expect from her. Tell her you will help her if she asks for help (eg loan for passport, lifts to interviews) but otherwise she is an adult and must take responsibility for herself. What about offering some baby-sitting money in the short term?
Make sure that you are positive around her too - if all you do is have a go at her then she will be feeling lonely and bitter and angry. Have you set aside time where the younger 2 are looked after and you and she can spend positive quality time together?
I hope this post doesn't seem really patronising! I don't have children myself so I can only imagine how hard it is. I have worked with teenagers for a few years now though so I have an idea of what goes on in their heads. I remember being a v stroppy one too! Good luck, I hope you can sort it all out.

Nico

I really feel for you. There is nothing in the world like a teenager for making you feel suicidally furious. I was a single parent with three, and there were times when I thought I would never live through it as they would all gang up on me! I bet that passport is around somewhere. She really knows how to wind you up, as she's sussed out that without it she can't get a job and contribute. She's not stupid then!! And she's not ready to be grown up. My youngest was the worst and I had big problems with him (including police, alcohol etc), partly I think because he didn't see that it wasn't all or nothing, I wasn't going to chuck him out and never help him again just because he got a job. In fact, the more he helped himself, the more I could help him. He's now 26, has a decent job, his own flat, helps me with stuff and even gives me presents. I'd be inclined to give your daughter a new passport for her Christmas present if she can't find it....And praise her excessively for anything nice she does manage to do. And in the meantime let the little ones give you plenty of cuddles so you know you're a good mum.

Hope you get through this!

bethandneil

hello
hope things look up soon,
my children are a little too young to be giving me similar grief (3 and 1) but have you tried posting on www.mumsnet.com there are alot of parents with a font of knowledge on there, they may be able to help a little.
good luck and if all else fails have a few

Beth.

gjs

Thanks Adele.you are right about the jealousy,her behaviour really took a downward turn when our first litte boy was born.I think the basic problem is that she is emotionally immature,wants to be treated as an adult,but behave like a stroppy adolescent.
I suppose from her point of view we favour the boys-but it is not favouritism,they are tiny and obviously can't be subjected to the same "rules". I
hate to admit it,but we have threatened her with what you did,but at the end of the day,I could not in all conscience carry through with it,I would be woried sick-she is not one of lifes copers.
We have set boudaries,three weeks ago I actually wrote them down for her so I wouldn't have to keep repeating myself-basics like look for a job,keepyour room clean and tidy,stop cotradicting Everthing we say just for the sake of it,respect others and their propety etc.Ah well,hpefully things wil chage for the better when she gets back home.Til then,we will enjoy the peace and quiet.
Thanks again for your reply,
Diane