walaj

As we have not had some funnies for a bit, and especially for those in Oz that miss a bit of British humour, here are some one liners from the Edinburgh Festival:

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself. (Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.
(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
(Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked
like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny
then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
(Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
he would have been better off with more oxygen.
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
(Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
(Jimmy Carr)

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
(Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl
out of Cork ...
(Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out
it was a bloody hoax.
(Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)

got a few more if you want them.....

Signman Glen

Hi Walaj
Well done keep them coming , it will help while centrelink take the p**s out of every body, taking their gondam time and makeing all us pre-July 139's go mad. :scared:

All the Best
Signman Glen

Phoenixuk2oz

Blinders!!! Very funny, still laughing....I'm now homesick. Cheers


PS. Only kidding...not homesick at all

madsad

Friend of ours sent us this!!

AN EXPLANATION.


Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the
grounds that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait
for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the
way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples,
even those who have already been picked! Now Men.... Men are like a fine
wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of
them until they turn into something acceptable to have with dinner

Thought it was quite funny?!!
Donna.

walaj

some more to keep you chuckling

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.
(Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess.
So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw big sign that
said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try...What a rip
off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
(Seymour Mace at Cafe Royal)

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
(Norman Lovett at The Stand)

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears. (Chris Addison at the Pleasance)

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious,
but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means
is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
(Colin Ramone at The Stand)

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
(Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance)

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
(Arnold Brown at The Stand)

Pollyana

Friendship Prayer

May the fleas of
a thousand camels
infest the crutch of the person
who screws up your day
and
may their arms be too short to scratch...


AMEN

Phoenixuk2oz

moneypenny20

LOL. Could have done with these yesterday.

This is not a funny but I like it

THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelmTihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Don't know how dyslexics get on with it though - not making jokes about dyslexia, just a comment before anyone has a pop.

YFitz

Here's some my hubby came home with the other night:

You know you're living too close to Glasgow when...........

1. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

3.You think a woman's "out of your league" because she askes for a glass to go with her Tennents Super lager.

4. The phrase "Thunderbirds are go" remids you that the off license has just opened.

5.At least one member of your family has died after saying "hey, watch this."

6.You only need one more stamp on your card to get a freebie at Tam's Tatoos.

7.You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife pissed

walaj

faye_gillan

[Thanks for brightening up a drab day in cloudy Aberdeen, Scotland !