Some jokes to make you smile
Aug 9th 2005, 1:59 pm
#1
Just Joined
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 9
Some jokes to make you smile
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry growing on his head goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-----------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before
-------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
o he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 in
my family, must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's Colin.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
--------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
--------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
-----------------------------
wo fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
----------------------------------
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Well they made me laugh anyways!
One was a salted
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry growing on his head goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-----------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before
-------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
o he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 in
my family, must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's Colin.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
--------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
--------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
-----------------------------
wo fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
----------------------------------
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Well they made me laugh anyways!
Aug 9th 2005, 2:29 pm
#2
Forum Regular
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 142
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
Originally Posted by hotlips
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry growing on his head goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-----------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before
-------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
o he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 in
my family, must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's Colin.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
--------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
--------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
-----------------------------
wo fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
----------------------------------
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Well they made me laugh anyways!
One was a salted
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry growing on his head goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
-----------------
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before
-------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
o he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 in
my family, must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think
it's Colin.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
-----------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
--------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
-------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
--------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
-----------------------------
wo fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
----------------------------------
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Well they made me laugh anyways!
LMAO
Aug 9th 2005, 2:36 pm
#3
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 2,873
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
I'm printing them up for my 12 year old son
Aug 9th 2005, 2:39 pm
#4
Just Joined
Joined: Aug 2005
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 23
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
Made me smile 
Aug 10th 2005, 12:31 am
#5
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2004
Location: Melbourne since 2003
Posts: 1,014
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
very funny, they're Tommy Cooper, I think
Aug 10th 2005, 6:56 am
#6
Account Closed
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 881
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
[QUOTE=hotlips]Two peanuts walk into a bar
Brilliant! I'm printing them to stick on my fridge. Getting well stressed with this TRA/ job-hunting Reccie trip! :scared:
Mystic Bordy any predictions?
L-j
Brilliant! I'm printing them to stick on my fridge. Getting well stressed with this TRA/ job-hunting Reccie trip! :scared:
Mystic Bordy any predictions?
L-j
Aug 10th 2005, 7:09 am
#7
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 622
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
I normally have a very adult, risque and naughty sense of humour, but i always get a good belly laugh out of these ones.
Aug 10th 2005, 7:31 pm
#8
Just Joined
Joined: Aug 2005
Location: Perth!!/Leicester!!
Posts: 21
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
hehehe i was in need of a good chuckle! thank you!! xxx
Aug 10th 2005, 7:35 pm
#9
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2005
Location: Morphett Vale...for now
Posts: 491
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
Originally Posted by emmarebecca
hehehe i was in need of a good chuckle! thank you!! xxx
Aug 11th 2005, 11:29 am
#10
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 448
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
Some of these - most of these, are really clever and I was howling with laughter all the way through. Just what I needed. I'm printing them off to keep at work for lightening up when things get a bit :scared: Thanks so much!
Aug 11th 2005, 11:32 am
#11
Banned
Joined: Aug 2005
Location: happysville
Posts: 20
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
A bit funny in a funny sort of way.
Aug 11th 2005, 11:35 am
#12
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 448
Re: Some jokes to make you smile
Originally Posted by Shellfish
very funny, they're Tommy Cooper, I thinkLast night I dreamt I was eating this HUGE marshmallow...
...woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
(ha ha ha...just like that...ha ha ha...)
