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Some jokes I found while clearing out my mailbox before quitting.

Some jokes I found while clearing out my mailbox before quitting.

Old Mar 7th 2005, 10:52 am
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Default Some jokes I found while clearing out my mailbox before quitting.

A woman slinks up to the bar in a busy pub, she is drop dead gorgeous and wearing a very short skirt and a very low cut top. Seeing her standing there, the barman immediately rushes over. 'How can I be of service?' he drools staring down her blouse. 'I'd like a quiet word' she says huskily, leaning forward to expose even more cleavage and stroking his beard. 'Are you the landlord?' she asks running her hands through his hair. 'No, he's busy, can I help you?' he replies. 'Yes, you can, will you pass him a message' she breathes, licking her lips and pushing two fingers into his mouth for him to suck 'tell him theres no toilet paper in the ladies'.

------------------------------------------

There are two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel flutters down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues have been given flesh and they step down from their pedestals. The angel says, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick, you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again."

The man looks at the woman, and they both flush, and giggle, and run off into some underbrush. An intense rustling comes from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied.

The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes, why not go back and do it again?" The former statues look at each other for a minute, and then the woman says, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time, you hold down the pigeon, and I'll s**t on it."

--------------------

And one on politics.....

FEUDALISM:
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the
milk.

PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.

Mexican DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.

MILITARISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you into the army.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an
apartment.

PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
All your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the
election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The
press dubs the affair "Cowgate", but supports the president. The cow sues
you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You
settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.The government doesn't do
anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
At first the government regulates what you can feed them and then you can
milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both,
shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it
requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity
swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with
a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven
cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad "feng shui".

TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the
phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no
less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. You are torn by
feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment center. You
spend six weeks there, paid for by the community health plan, and graduate
into Guilty Anonymous.

COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. Uh, so, like, you have
really got to do some of this milk, like, fer shur, it's awesome, man.

SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

Last edited by wongstonn; Mar 7th 2005 at 10:57 am.
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Old Mar 7th 2005, 10:55 am
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Default Re: Some jokes I found while clearing our my mailbox before quitting.

LOL like the statue one!!!
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