Should I stay or should i go??????
Oct 30th 2003, 4:14 am
#16
Kiwified member
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: New Plymouth, NZ
Posts: 1,647
Oh my god - were we seperated at birth or something? - My mum does exactly the same thing - even if she phones up and I tell her I am just popping out with the dog she says - be careful and you know I love you and if I die you know where everything is etc etc - it's like everytime she talks to you or sees you she treats it like a massive melodramatic 'this is the last time'.
I think you just have to take the role of the parent - tell her not to be so silly and to grow up - tell her she is making your life miserable and at this rate you won't come back to see her.
I know it is hard, truly I do, but think of it as doing her a favour at the same time - she can't be very happy with the situation as it is.
Mothers, eh?:scared:
I think you just have to take the role of the parent - tell her not to be so silly and to grow up - tell her she is making your life miserable and at this rate you won't come back to see her.
I know it is hard, truly I do, but think of it as doing her a favour at the same time - she can't be very happy with the situation as it is.
Mothers, eh?:scared:
Oct 30th 2003, 5:00 am
#17
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2003
Location: Eatons Hill, Brisbane
Posts: 2,289
Re: Should I stay or should i go??????
Originally posted by lynnj
I've got a bit of a problem that i could do with some advise on, i know its been talked about lots recently but i could really do with your help.
We leave 4 weeks on Saturday, our container goes on tuesday so things are quite hectic here at the moment and i am feeling quite fragile (to say the least) seem to break down at the least little thing, i dont know why, i cant wait to go and have very few reservations about it, i just want to be there.
Anyway my parents live 600 miles away as does my brother and the in laws, my parents last visited us in the summer and that was the final goodbye, then i had to go back up unexpectedly as my father was having an operation in august so we had another final goodbye, now my mother wants me to go back up again with the boys (7&5) for another goodbye. They have never spoken about us going and said when they were here in summer that they would never come to visit us, but this isnt something that would change our minds. So last night my mother phoned and just blurted out are you coming up or not, i explained that we felt it best not to and gave my reasons, she burst into tears and hung up. My father has been telling my brother that this will kill her, her bowling cronies have been telling my brother how selfish i am as this will kill her etc.......
Now i feel the selfish one, i feel i should go back up for all the emotional stuff again, but why, if she is this bad on the phone how bad are a couple of days with her going to be.
My way of looking at it is we only see then once or twice a year anyway, they have a telephone and a computer with a webcam it is not hard to keep in touch if you want to and i dont understand how it is much different from us beng here.
My husband is really angry as he thinks my mother is being very selfish to put me through this, i am 24 weeks pregnant and have enough stress at the moment without her adding to it, this is also a big factor in me not going up as i feel if things get bad up there and my blood pressure shoots up then that will mean i cannot travel to aus, and we will be left in the situation of all our stuff and our dog being there and us here.
My mother has always been controlling, anything i ever did that she did not agree with was always seen by her as an insult meant to hurt and humiliate her, and i'm talking about things like going on holiday with my boyfriend (now husband) when i was 25.
Does anyone have any advise for me, i dont want to go up for a visit, i think it will be the wrong thing for me both health wise and emotions wise, i think it would make things harder for the boys as they have already said their goodbyes, but, i feel if i dont then it will end up in a huge family row that may never be resolved.
Help please, i dont have the time to sit here in tears for the next few days.
Lynn
I've got a bit of a problem that i could do with some advise on, i know its been talked about lots recently but i could really do with your help.
We leave 4 weeks on Saturday, our container goes on tuesday so things are quite hectic here at the moment and i am feeling quite fragile (to say the least) seem to break down at the least little thing, i dont know why, i cant wait to go and have very few reservations about it, i just want to be there.
Anyway my parents live 600 miles away as does my brother and the in laws, my parents last visited us in the summer and that was the final goodbye, then i had to go back up unexpectedly as my father was having an operation in august so we had another final goodbye, now my mother wants me to go back up again with the boys (7&5) for another goodbye. They have never spoken about us going and said when they were here in summer that they would never come to visit us, but this isnt something that would change our minds. So last night my mother phoned and just blurted out are you coming up or not, i explained that we felt it best not to and gave my reasons, she burst into tears and hung up. My father has been telling my brother that this will kill her, her bowling cronies have been telling my brother how selfish i am as this will kill her etc.......
Now i feel the selfish one, i feel i should go back up for all the emotional stuff again, but why, if she is this bad on the phone how bad are a couple of days with her going to be.
My way of looking at it is we only see then once or twice a year anyway, they have a telephone and a computer with a webcam it is not hard to keep in touch if you want to and i dont understand how it is much different from us beng here.
My husband is really angry as he thinks my mother is being very selfish to put me through this, i am 24 weeks pregnant and have enough stress at the moment without her adding to it, this is also a big factor in me not going up as i feel if things get bad up there and my blood pressure shoots up then that will mean i cannot travel to aus, and we will be left in the situation of all our stuff and our dog being there and us here.
My mother has always been controlling, anything i ever did that she did not agree with was always seen by her as an insult meant to hurt and humiliate her, and i'm talking about things like going on holiday with my boyfriend (now husband) when i was 25.
Does anyone have any advise for me, i dont want to go up for a visit, i think it will be the wrong thing for me both health wise and emotions wise, i think it would make things harder for the boys as they have already said their goodbyes, but, i feel if i dont then it will end up in a huge family row that may never be resolved.
Help please, i dont have the time to sit here in tears for the next few days.
Lynn
dont' go, you've said goodbye and like you say she has a web cam and a telephone and also pen/paper, its not fair on you, the children or your hubby, you have enough to cope with.
Don't feel guilty either mate, this is YOUR life, not your mum's shes lived hers, its time to live yours
take care
rach x
Oct 30th 2003, 5:02 am
#18
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2003
Location: Eatons Hill, Brisbane
Posts: 2,289
Lynnj
Originally posted by lynnj
My mind is set that i am not going up and i'm comforted that most of you dont think i am being selfish in my decision, i have asked my brother to go and make her see sence but i dont hold out much hope, in her mind she will never see us again and nothing will change that.
Good luck to all the rest of you with unbalanced parents, i hope they can find it in themselves to be happy for you.
Thanks
Lynn
My mind is set that i am not going up and i'm comforted that most of you dont think i am being selfish in my decision, i have asked my brother to go and make her see sence but i dont hold out much hope, in her mind she will never see us again and nothing will change that.
Good luck to all the rest of you with unbalanced parents, i hope they can find it in themselves to be happy for you.
Thanks
Lynn
im really chuffed that you have made a decision in my opinion the correct one too! now you can get on and 'enjoy' the next four weeks of mayhem!
best wishes
rach
Oct 30th 2003, 6:58 am
#19
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2002
Location: Gold Coast- the best place in the world
Posts: 3,196
I think you have made the right decision Lynn and it isn't for selfish reasons, you don't only have yourself to think of after all! Your emotional well being is vital at the moment as it is a difficult enough time for us non-pregnant females
Remember a lot of the emotions you are feeling are doubly bad because of your hormones! I can remember getting upset at the most trivial things when expecting.
Well done for standing up to them and I hope they come to realise that they are asking too much of you.
Remember a lot of the emotions you are feeling are doubly bad because of your hormones! I can remember getting upset at the most trivial things when expecting.
Well done for standing up to them and I hope they come to realise that they are asking too much of you.
Oct 30th 2003, 8:13 am
#20
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Cheshire
Posts: 309
[QUOTE]Originally posted by lynnj
Thanks guys for your advise, lots of good ideas, none i feel would work as the main problem is that she seems to think that we are dying not just moving, she called today and started ok then she said out of the blue, i've got lots of jewelery that your gendmother left you what do you want me to do with it? I was very taken aback as she died 26 years ago and this is the first i have heard about it but just said hang on to it and i'll pick it up when we come back on holiday, with this she once again burst into tears and hung up.
BLACKMAIL!!! Pure and simple. Your mother has definatelt got problems, probably stemming from her past, but if she hasn't been able to deal with them, that's her problem.
Thanks guys for your advise, lots of good ideas, none i feel would work as the main problem is that she seems to think that we are dying not just moving, she called today and started ok then she said out of the blue, i've got lots of jewelery that your gendmother left you what do you want me to do with it? I was very taken aback as she died 26 years ago and this is the first i have heard about it but just said hang on to it and i'll pick it up when we come back on holiday, with this she once again burst into tears and hung up.
BLACKMAIL!!! Pure and simple. Your mother has definatelt got problems, probably stemming from her past, but if she hasn't been able to deal with them, that's her problem.
Oct 30th 2003, 9:03 am
#21
Finally back home
Joined: Mar 2003
Location: Adelaide, Sth Australia
Posts: 358
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such an awful time of things with you parents.
I have to agree with the sentiment of the others. Stick to your guns and if you feel that your goodbyes have already been said then don't go to see her.
Although we are not at this stage yet I can see it coming and not from either set of parents but from my hubbys sister.
Every conversation we have is her trying to convince us not to go - "So many people split up when they emigrate" or "What if you don't get a job". We just let her ramble on and get it out of her system. It's our life and we will live it how we wish. So should you.
Good luck with the next few weeks. I'm sure it's going to be chaos!!
Enjoy your new life in Oz and keep well for your baby's sake.
sally and family
I have to agree with the sentiment of the others. Stick to your guns and if you feel that your goodbyes have already been said then don't go to see her.
Although we are not at this stage yet I can see it coming and not from either set of parents but from my hubbys sister.
Every conversation we have is her trying to convince us not to go - "So many people split up when they emigrate" or "What if you don't get a job". We just let her ramble on and get it out of her system. It's our life and we will live it how we wish. So should you.
Good luck with the next few weeks. I'm sure it's going to be chaos!!
Enjoy your new life in Oz and keep well for your baby's sake.
sally and family
