Should I stay or should i go??????
Oct 30th 2003, 8:57 am
#1
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Should I stay or should i go??????
I've got a bit of a problem that i could do with some advise on, i know its been talked about lots recently but i could really do with your help.
We leave 4 weeks on Saturday, our container goes on tuesday so things are quite hectic here at the moment and i am feeling quite fragile (to say the least) seem to break down at the least little thing, i dont know why, i cant wait to go and have very few reservations about it, i just want to be there.
Anyway my parents live 600 miles away as does my brother and the in laws, my parents last visited us in the summer and that was the final goodbye, then i had to go back up unexpectedly as my father was having an operation in august so we had another final goodbye, now my mother wants me to go back up again with the boys (7&5) for another goodbye. They have never spoken about us going and said when they were here in summer that they would never come to visit us, but this isnt something that would change our minds. So last night my mother phoned and just blurted out are you coming up or not, i explained that we felt it best not to and gave my reasons, she burst into tears and hung up. My father has been telling my brother that this will kill her, her bowling cronies have been telling my brother how selfish i am as this will kill her etc.......
Now i feel the selfish one, i feel i should go back up for all the emotional stuff again, but why, if she is this bad on the phone how bad are a couple of days with her going to be.
My way of looking at it is we only see then once or twice a year anyway, they have a telephone and a computer with a webcam it is not hard to keep in touch if you want to and i dont understand how it is much different from us beng here.
My husband is really angry as he thinks my mother is being very selfish to put me through this, i am 24 weeks pregnant and have enough stress at the moment without her adding to it, this is also a big factor in me not going up as i feel if things get bad up there and my blood pressure shoots up then that will mean i cannot travel to aus, and we will be left in the situation of all our stuff and our dog being there and us here.
My mother has always been controlling, anything i ever did that she did not agree with was always seen by her as an insult meant to hurt and humiliate her, and i'm talking about things like going on holiday with my boyfriend (now husband) when i was 25.
Does anyone have any advise for me, i dont want to go up for a visit, i think it will be the wrong thing for me both health wise and emotions wise, i think it would make things harder for the boys as they have already said their goodbyes, but, i feel if i dont then it will end up in a huge family row that may never be resolved.
Help please, i dont have the time to sit here in tears for the next few days.
Lynn
We leave 4 weeks on Saturday, our container goes on tuesday so things are quite hectic here at the moment and i am feeling quite fragile (to say the least) seem to break down at the least little thing, i dont know why, i cant wait to go and have very few reservations about it, i just want to be there.
Anyway my parents live 600 miles away as does my brother and the in laws, my parents last visited us in the summer and that was the final goodbye, then i had to go back up unexpectedly as my father was having an operation in august so we had another final goodbye, now my mother wants me to go back up again with the boys (7&5) for another goodbye. They have never spoken about us going and said when they were here in summer that they would never come to visit us, but this isnt something that would change our minds. So last night my mother phoned and just blurted out are you coming up or not, i explained that we felt it best not to and gave my reasons, she burst into tears and hung up. My father has been telling my brother that this will kill her, her bowling cronies have been telling my brother how selfish i am as this will kill her etc.......
Now i feel the selfish one, i feel i should go back up for all the emotional stuff again, but why, if she is this bad on the phone how bad are a couple of days with her going to be.
My way of looking at it is we only see then once or twice a year anyway, they have a telephone and a computer with a webcam it is not hard to keep in touch if you want to and i dont understand how it is much different from us beng here.
My husband is really angry as he thinks my mother is being very selfish to put me through this, i am 24 weeks pregnant and have enough stress at the moment without her adding to it, this is also a big factor in me not going up as i feel if things get bad up there and my blood pressure shoots up then that will mean i cannot travel to aus, and we will be left in the situation of all our stuff and our dog being there and us here.
My mother has always been controlling, anything i ever did that she did not agree with was always seen by her as an insult meant to hurt and humiliate her, and i'm talking about things like going on holiday with my boyfriend (now husband) when i was 25.
Does anyone have any advise for me, i dont want to go up for a visit, i think it will be the wrong thing for me both health wise and emotions wise, i think it would make things harder for the boys as they have already said their goodbyes, but, i feel if i dont then it will end up in a huge family row that may never be resolved.
Help please, i dont have the time to sit here in tears for the next few days.
Lynn
Oct 30th 2003, 9:21 am
#2
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Location: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
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Hi Lynn,
I could say loads, but I'll try and keep it short.
If you've said "farewell" then don't go and put yourselves through it again. Especially with the kids.
As you say, you don't see them often anyway - similar to me with my family.
My sister and her kids are coming to the airport - not as far as passport control, just for a meal and a day trip for the kids (10,8,3). We can't tell my mum what they are doing cos she will want to be there and she will end up getting upset. I've already said my farewells to her and my dad, we've done the weepy bit, and its not fair on any of us to do it again.
Be strong, and think of yourself, especially with the baby, and remember its your husband and kids that are the important ones. If you've already said goodbye to your mum, she has to accept that. You said she used to be a real controller - well, she obviously is just trying to still be that, which isn't fair on you.
Talk to her, or write to her, but don't go back and see her - it will make you, and your boys, feel worse.
4 weeks to go - you're nearly there, so don't let anything spoil it!
Good luck
Pollyana
I could say loads, but I'll try and keep it short.
If you've said "farewell" then don't go and put yourselves through it again. Especially with the kids.
As you say, you don't see them often anyway - similar to me with my family.
My sister and her kids are coming to the airport - not as far as passport control, just for a meal and a day trip for the kids (10,8,3). We can't tell my mum what they are doing cos she will want to be there and she will end up getting upset. I've already said my farewells to her and my dad, we've done the weepy bit, and its not fair on any of us to do it again.
Be strong, and think of yourself, especially with the baby, and remember its your husband and kids that are the important ones. If you've already said goodbye to your mum, she has to accept that. You said she used to be a real controller - well, she obviously is just trying to still be that, which isn't fair on you.
Talk to her, or write to her, but don't go back and see her - it will make you, and your boys, feel worse.
4 weeks to go - you're nearly there, so don't let anything spoil it!
Good luck
Pollyana
Oct 30th 2003, 9:29 am
#3
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Posts: 4,638
Hi Lynn
I always think that when someone is trying to force their own way, don't give in, even if it's not a big thing to you. I wouldn't risk going back, particularly if it'll stress you and bubs out - you'll have a long flight to contend with at the end of August and you need to reserve all your strength for that. Also, it's not easy flying with two kids in tow either!
Larissa
PS I've always wondered about these people who say they'll never fly out - how can they be so sure? Why are they saying this? Sounds like they're being stubborn to me!
Take it easy- try to take some time out and treat yourself today - they should know better than to put all of this on you Lynn. 
I always think that when someone is trying to force their own way, don't give in, even if it's not a big thing to you. I wouldn't risk going back, particularly if it'll stress you and bubs out - you'll have a long flight to contend with at the end of August and you need to reserve all your strength for that. Also, it's not easy flying with two kids in tow either!
Larissa
PS I've always wondered about these people who say they'll never fly out - how can they be so sure? Why are they saying this? Sounds like they're being stubborn to me!
Take it easy- try to take some time out and treat yourself today - they should know better than to put all of this on you Lynn.
Oct 30th 2003, 9:29 am
#4
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Originally posted by Larissa
Hi Lynn
I always think that when someone is trying to force their own way, don't give in, even if it's not a big thing to you. I wouldn't risk going back, particularly if it'll stress you and bubs out - you'll have a long flight to contend with at the end of August and you need to reserve all your strength for that. Also, it's not easy flying with two kids in tow either!
Larissa
PS I've always wondered about these people who say they'll never fly out - how can they be so sure? Why are they saying this? Sounds like they're being stubborn to me!
Take it easy- try to take some time out and treat yourself today - they should know better than to put all of this on you Lynn.
Hi Lynn
I always think that when someone is trying to force their own way, don't give in, even if it's not a big thing to you. I wouldn't risk going back, particularly if it'll stress you and bubs out - you'll have a long flight to contend with at the end of August and you need to reserve all your strength for that. Also, it's not easy flying with two kids in tow either!
Larissa
PS I've always wondered about these people who say they'll never fly out - how can they be so sure? Why are they saying this? Sounds like they're being stubborn to me!
Take it easy- try to take some time out and treat yourself today - they should know better than to put all of this on you Lynn.
Oct 30th 2003, 9:31 am
#5
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Originally posted by Pollyana
Hi Lynn,
I could say loads, but I'll try and keep it short.
If you've said "farewell" then don't go and put yourselves through it again. Especially with the kids.
As you say, you don't see them often anyway - similar to me with my family.
My sister and her kids are coming to the airport - not as far as passport control, just for a meal and a day trip for the kids (10,8,3). We can't tell my mum what they are doing cos she will want to be there and she will end up getting upset. I've already said my farewells to her and my dad, we've done the weepy bit, and its not fair on any of us to do it again.
Be strong, and think of yourself, especially with the baby, and remember its your husband and kids that are the important ones. If you've already said goodbye to your mum, she has to accept that. You said she used to be a real controller - well, she obviously is just trying to still be that, which isn't fair on you.
Talk to her, or write to her, but don't go back and see her - it will make you, and your boys, feel worse.
4 weeks to go - you're nearly there, so don't let anything spoil it!
Good luck
Pollyana
Hi Lynn,
I could say loads, but I'll try and keep it short.
If you've said "farewell" then don't go and put yourselves through it again. Especially with the kids.
As you say, you don't see them often anyway - similar to me with my family.
My sister and her kids are coming to the airport - not as far as passport control, just for a meal and a day trip for the kids (10,8,3). We can't tell my mum what they are doing cos she will want to be there and she will end up getting upset. I've already said my farewells to her and my dad, we've done the weepy bit, and its not fair on any of us to do it again.
Be strong, and think of yourself, especially with the baby, and remember its your husband and kids that are the important ones. If you've already said goodbye to your mum, she has to accept that. You said she used to be a real controller - well, she obviously is just trying to still be that, which isn't fair on you.
Talk to her, or write to her, but don't go back and see her - it will make you, and your boys, feel worse.
4 weeks to go - you're nearly there, so don't let anything spoil it!
Good luck
Pollyana
TennisOz
P.S. I opened this cos' I thought it was the song by The Clash
Oct 30th 2003, 9:39 am
#6
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Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 113
Re: Should I stay or should i go??????
Hi Lynn,
IF you would be seeing eachother again then seeing it's your parents who want a last goodbye (another one) and in view of your pregnancy and the distance it would be the obvious alternative for yor parents to come to you instead of the other way round.
With all the things you have on your hands and your mind in these last weeks I'm sure you just haven't got the time to spare, but it would be the better one of two bad options.
Could they perhaps spend the day(s) with your children doing outings or just keeping an eye on them, therebye giving you more time for the things that have to be done, and you would all have breakfast and dinner together and reduce the time for accusations and nagging to a minimum?
If they come to see you it would reduce the feeling of being forced into doing something you don't really want to do. At the same time if they refuse to come it would show you that it's not that important to them after all and that its "only" a matter of trying to keep control.
After all, they are your parents, and even if you only see each other twice a year to them it does make a difference if there's only a highway between you or an ocean.
On the other hand, you have done your goodbyes and only you can judge wether it will upset your mother and/or your family even more to do them once more.
I hope you find the right decision for yourself and your family!
Lavinia
IF you would be seeing eachother again then seeing it's your parents who want a last goodbye (another one) and in view of your pregnancy and the distance it would be the obvious alternative for yor parents to come to you instead of the other way round.
With all the things you have on your hands and your mind in these last weeks I'm sure you just haven't got the time to spare, but it would be the better one of two bad options.
Could they perhaps spend the day(s) with your children doing outings or just keeping an eye on them, therebye giving you more time for the things that have to be done, and you would all have breakfast and dinner together and reduce the time for accusations and nagging to a minimum?
If they come to see you it would reduce the feeling of being forced into doing something you don't really want to do. At the same time if they refuse to come it would show you that it's not that important to them after all and that its "only" a matter of trying to keep control.
After all, they are your parents, and even if you only see each other twice a year to them it does make a difference if there's only a highway between you or an ocean.
On the other hand, you have done your goodbyes and only you can judge wether it will upset your mother and/or your family even more to do them once more.
I hope you find the right decision for yourself and your family!
Lavinia
Oct 30th 2003, 10:33 am
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Posts: 97
Hi Lynne,
I normally just read the posts, and dont tend to get involved, but what a horrible stressful time you are having, your mum is being a tad unreasonable.
My advice would be to book a nice hotel or a centre parcs break for the weekend for all of you with equal distance to travel, and relax and enjoy each others company, pamper yourselves and chill out, and try to talk to mum about the way shes making you feel. If you are on neutral territory it might make it easier.
Treat the meeting as possibly the last time you will see her for a long time, and tell your mom this to and maybe some bridges may be mended before you leave. I think you will regret not seeing her b4 you go.
Good luck with move, and your new life!!!!
Angie x
I normally just read the posts, and dont tend to get involved, but what a horrible stressful time you are having, your mum is being a tad unreasonable.
My advice would be to book a nice hotel or a centre parcs break for the weekend for all of you with equal distance to travel, and relax and enjoy each others company, pamper yourselves and chill out, and try to talk to mum about the way shes making you feel. If you are on neutral territory it might make it easier.
Treat the meeting as possibly the last time you will see her for a long time, and tell your mom this to and maybe some bridges may be mended before you leave. I think you will regret not seeing her b4 you go.
Good luck with move, and your new life!!!!
Angie x
Oct 30th 2003, 11:10 am
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Posts: 309
Re: Should I stay or should i go??????
Lynn
Oh you poor thing! You really don't need this. I completely agree with your husband that your mother is being completely selfish. Wouldn't it be easier for your mother to talk to you about how she feels and make an effort to come and see you than spending her time feeling sorry for herself and moaning about you to everyone else. Don't give in to her Lynn, maybe send her a letter to ease your mind. It seems to me that she's very selfish and should have aired her concerns a long time ago. No doubt she loves you very much, and has been too stubborn to say anything, or maybe thought it would never happen, and now that you're finally going reality has finally hit her. This is NOT your fault or your problem!
You concentrate on the positive side of things and concentrate on you and your family, and relax....it's better for the baby.
Good luck honey
Noodle.x
Oh you poor thing! You really don't need this. I completely agree with your husband that your mother is being completely selfish. Wouldn't it be easier for your mother to talk to you about how she feels and make an effort to come and see you than spending her time feeling sorry for herself and moaning about you to everyone else. Don't give in to her Lynn, maybe send her a letter to ease your mind. It seems to me that she's very selfish and should have aired her concerns a long time ago. No doubt she loves you very much, and has been too stubborn to say anything, or maybe thought it would never happen, and now that you're finally going reality has finally hit her. This is NOT your fault or your problem!
You concentrate on the positive side of things and concentrate on you and your family, and relax....it's better for the baby.
Good luck honey
Noodle.x
Oct 30th 2003, 11:10 am
#9
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You poor woman, I know how you must be feeling. My mother becomes "ill" or doesnt speak when she doesnt get her own way.
The last time my hubby said he wouldnt move to aus (in 91) she didnt speak for 6 years..... Anyway, yet again she is not speaking to us...
So LynnJ, Carry on with your plans, let nothing sway you...Its you , your hubby and kids that are important....
You can phone her and speak but stick to your guns... tell her you,ll get in touch when you have your new address sorted and that your door is always open if and when they would like a holiday down under....
Once a parent realises they cannot manipulate you anymore the balance of is totally reveresed. Also the guilt felt by the offspring (you, me) just disapears.
My mum cant go to Aus unless im there, she caught wind of the fact that im off to aus shortly and decided she would like to start speaking again. I have not allowed her to get her foot back into the door so to speak....
Families , what a load of trouble they are. I have learned how not to treat my daughter by the way I have been treated since the age of 3 ( I say three because that is as far back as I can remember)
Keep to your plans LynnJ, let everyone else fit in around them..
keep strong and take it easy, you have your unborn baby to think of
lots of hugs and encouragement
booboo
The last time my hubby said he wouldnt move to aus (in 91) she didnt speak for 6 years..... Anyway, yet again she is not speaking to us...
So LynnJ, Carry on with your plans, let nothing sway you...Its you , your hubby and kids that are important....
You can phone her and speak but stick to your guns... tell her you,ll get in touch when you have your new address sorted and that your door is always open if and when they would like a holiday down under....
Once a parent realises they cannot manipulate you anymore the balance of is totally reveresed. Also the guilt felt by the offspring (you, me) just disapears.
My mum cant go to Aus unless im there, she caught wind of the fact that im off to aus shortly and decided she would like to start speaking again. I have not allowed her to get her foot back into the door so to speak....
Families , what a load of trouble they are. I have learned how not to treat my daughter by the way I have been treated since the age of 3 ( I say three because that is as far back as I can remember)
Keep to your plans LynnJ, let everyone else fit in around them..
keep strong and take it easy, you have your unborn baby to think of
lots of hugs and encouragement
booboo
Oct 30th 2003, 1:15 pm
#10
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Posts: 1,927
Hi Lynn
I am sure i will have all this to come when we move on. It is a tough call and only one you can really make. All i can say is what you are going through is tough enough aswell as carrying a baby. Selfishly i think you may have to put yourself first and try to keep things as stress free as poss.
Hope things work out in the end.
Take care
footie chick
I am sure i will have all this to come when we move on. It is a tough call and only one you can really make. All i can say is what you are going through is tough enough aswell as carrying a baby. Selfishly i think you may have to put yourself first and try to keep things as stress free as poss.
Hope things work out in the end.
Take care
footie chick
Oct 30th 2003, 2:42 pm
#11
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Location: Byron Bay, NSW
Posts: 145
Hi Lynn,
I was given this advice once and it worked for me. Unfortunately email tends to give the wrong intonation but here goes. Try reading the following line in a steady, thoughtful way with no accent on any particular word:
'Do what you want to do.'
Good luck.
Alan
I was given this advice once and it worked for me. Unfortunately email tends to give the wrong intonation but here goes. Try reading the following line in a steady, thoughtful way with no accent on any particular word:
'Do what you want to do.'
Good luck.
Alan
Oct 30th 2003, 3:09 pm
#12
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Joined: Apr 2003
Location: Notts to Perth, Perth to Notts
Posts: 1,748
I would go if I were you.
You may regret going for a while afterwards, but it wouldn't be as long as the regret you would have if you came here without seeing them for a long time?
You may regret going for a while afterwards, but it wouldn't be as long as the regret you would have if you came here without seeing them for a long time?
Oct 30th 2003, 3:11 pm
#13
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Joined: Oct 2003
Location: New Plymouth, NZ
Posts: 1,647
Re: Should I stay or should i go??????
Lynn
My mother is also an emotionally blackmailing stress inducing old woman - you have to just do you want you want to do - my father died two years ago and my mum expected me to go and see her every month - this was making me unhappy as dealing with her and my own grief was nigh on impossible. I decided I would go when I wanted and things have been much better - I am happier, she appreciates me now.
Your Mum will be upset etc if you don't do what she wants but if you stick by your guns she will come round - you have kids - your mum is behaving like a spoilt one and you should just deal with her like you would a kid - and dog for that matter - kind but firm and you are the boss.
It's your life - live it to the full and not in the way your Mum wants you to.
You have to for your own sanity.
P Keep smiling!
My mother is also an emotionally blackmailing stress inducing old woman - you have to just do you want you want to do - my father died two years ago and my mum expected me to go and see her every month - this was making me unhappy as dealing with her and my own grief was nigh on impossible. I decided I would go when I wanted and things have been much better - I am happier, she appreciates me now.
Your Mum will be upset etc if you don't do what she wants but if you stick by your guns she will come round - you have kids - your mum is behaving like a spoilt one and you should just deal with her like you would a kid - and dog for that matter - kind but firm and you are the boss.
It's your life - live it to the full and not in the way your Mum wants you to.
You have to for your own sanity.
P
Keep smiling!
Oct 30th 2003, 3:14 pm
#14
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Originally posted by ayanem
Hi Lynn,
I was given this advice once and it worked for me. Unfortunately email tends to give the wrong intonation but here goes. Try reading the following line in a steady, thoughtful way with no accent on any particular word:
'Do what you want to do.'
Good luck.
Alan
Hi Lynn,
I was given this advice once and it worked for me. Unfortunately email tends to give the wrong intonation but here goes. Try reading the following line in a steady, thoughtful way with no accent on any particular word:
'Do what you want to do.'
Good luck.
Alan
Oct 30th 2003, 4:01 pm
#15
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Thanks guys for your advise, lots of good ideas, none i feel would work as the main problem is that she seems to think that we are dying not just moving, she called today and started ok then she said out of the blue, i've got lots of jewelery that your gendmother left you what do you want me to do with it? I was very taken aback as she died 26 years ago and this is the first i have heard about it but just said hang on to it and i'll pick it up when we come back on holiday, with this she once again burst into tears and hung up.
There will never be any conversation about it as she just wont talk (about anything not just this) she also wont listen just says "oh please yourself" and leaves the room, from my point of view a relationship based on phone calls and e mails is fine for me as when they do come to visit it is very stressful, they deem themselves too old to do anything with the children, wont take them to the park, wont go for a walk with them, wont even read them a bedside story, also they have no idea on the stage the kids are at, if they buy them anything it still tends to be baby stuff. The kids never ask when they will see them they just say granny and grandpa are too old to be fun.
My mind is set that i am not going up and i'm comforted that most of you dont think i am being selfish in my decision, i have asked my brother to go and make her see sence but i dont hold out much hope, in her mind she will never see us again and nothing will change that.
Good luck to all the rest of you with unbalanced parents, i hope they can find it in themselves to be happy for you.
Thanks
Lynn
There will never be any conversation about it as she just wont talk (about anything not just this) she also wont listen just says "oh please yourself" and leaves the room, from my point of view a relationship based on phone calls and e mails is fine for me as when they do come to visit it is very stressful, they deem themselves too old to do anything with the children, wont take them to the park, wont go for a walk with them, wont even read them a bedside story, also they have no idea on the stage the kids are at, if they buy them anything it still tends to be baby stuff. The kids never ask when they will see them they just say granny and grandpa are too old to be fun.
My mind is set that i am not going up and i'm comforted that most of you dont think i am being selfish in my decision, i have asked my brother to go and make her see sence but i dont hold out much hope, in her mind she will never see us again and nothing will change that.
Good luck to all the rest of you with unbalanced parents, i hope they can find it in themselves to be happy for you.
Thanks
Lynn