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Shock discovery - Australian streets not paved with gold

Shock discovery - Australian streets not paved with gold

Old Nov 27th 2002, 1:50 pm
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Default Shock discovery - Australian streets not paved with gold

Southport, Gold Coast, QLD, Australia

Hordes of angry British expats gathered for the anal [Ed. I'm sorry that was meant to be annual] winge-a-thon at the Mercurial Hotel in Southport. Club president Simian Orangutan said, "this country is rubbish and we need to keep telling the world. We have been lied to, deceived and not been told where to find the 'pot-of-gold' we were promised before we came". Asked whether he considered actually working to make himself richer Simian said, "nobody told us we had to work! Utterly preposterous nonsense - harrumph, harrumph". When asked why they don't return to the quite obviously superior lives in the UK, the angry crowd immediately roared and started chanting:

"WE WONT GO, WE WONT GO"

Asked why, the crowd calmed down and then started muttering amongst themselves quietly:

"We don't know, we don't know"

Simian noticed the diminished enthusiasm for the winge-a-thon,
immediately took up the rallying cry:

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

The crowd roared:

"MONEY, MONEY, MONEY"

Simian responded:

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TO GET IT?"

The crowd answered:

"ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"

The crowd then went wild throwing their Oxford boaters into the air, and immediately started dispersing in all directions to head for the local cafes. There they sat in the warm sun and drank copious quantity of tea, whilst sullenly glaring at the local Aussies all going about their daily business with smiles on the faces.

When asked what made him leave his beloved England, Simian said it all started one evening when he had popped into his usual local pub in Wandsworth - 'Pork Pies' (well known not for it's food - but the truthfulness of the local cockey storytellers). As he downed his quick half before heading home to give 'her indoors' a clip-round-the-ear for not getting his tea ready on time, he started chatting a couple of dodgy looking types - Dell-boy and Rodney. For a couple hundred quid, they said the would tell him where he could make untold riches without having to lift a finger to work. Being the naturally cautious type - Simian immediately handed over his weekly pay-packet. Dell-boy said he had heard on the news that the Oz streets were paved with gold, and that money grew on trees. Simian thought long and hard about this - and by the time he had finished his half he thought - I'll do it. He knew that after a couple of years he could make enough money to come back and buy Harrods. And anyway he was sick of the Prime Minister - Margot Thatchet telling the working class people to stop striking, get off the back-sides and go do some for work for a change. Simian had also hoped that she would be chucked out of office after a couple of years.

Simian knew as soon as he had stepped off the plane that he had been told a pack of lies. And Margot Thatchet took so many years to leave office that Simian had begun to think that England had gone to the dogs for good. Starting the POM winge-*rse club was the best thing he had ever done he boasted - he can now meet up with like-minded moaners and complain all day and night.

[Unfortunately by this stage of the story our intrepid reporter had fallen asleep, and had to be revived by a local harmony band - The Barber Shop Dr*ngoes - singing waltzing matilda]

Simian was too engrossed in reciting his excrutiatingly boring story that he failed to notice that everyone had left and gone home.

Report by Isabella Fortesque-Smith-Jones

Last edited by madmancunian; Nov 27th 2002 at 1:57 pm.
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Old Nov 27th 2002, 2:12 pm
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ROFPML!!!! I like it!

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Old Nov 27th 2002, 2:17 pm
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Originally posted by sophia
ROFPML!!!! I like it!

love sophia xx

ROFPML!! - can someone translate??

Excellent news story MM
(Are you any relation to BB?)

Caryn
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Old Nov 27th 2002, 2:49 pm
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Originally posted by WARDY
ROFPML!! - can someone translate??

Excellent news story MM
(Are you any relation to BB?)

Caryn
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Old Nov 28th 2002, 12:07 am
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Default Re: Shock discovery - Australian streets not paved with gold

Originally posted by madmancunian
Southport, Gold Coast, QLD, Australia


[Unfortunately by this stage of the story our intrepid reporter had fallen asleep, and had to be revived by a local harmony band - The Barber Shop Dr*ngoes - singing waltzing matilda]

Simian was too engrossed in reciting his excrutiatingly boring story that he failed to notice that everyone had left and gone home.

Report by Isabella Fortesque-Smith-Jones
Very good , just how much time have you got on your hands?



Australia's budget blues

By Alan Thornhill

CANBERRA

AUSTRALIANS face a tough Budget next May after Treasurer Peter Costello revealed yesterday the drought and a weak global economy had cut economic growth forecasts.

He said the Federal Government's mid-year economic review showed the growth forecasts were down from 3.75 per cent to 3 per cent this financial year.

The deepening drought would slash farm production by 17 per cent and the nation's current account would sink $33 billion into debt as its trade position worsened.

Income tax from companies is expected to rise $840 million and a further $779 million will be raised from self-employed people. The housing industry also continues to perform well above expectations.

The mid-year review, which assesses the economy's progress six months after the May Budget, also confirmed the Government's worst-kept secret - the sale of the remaining 50.1 per cent of Telstra would be delayed a year and would reap $1.3 billion less than planned.

"This is nearly all related to the drought which is gripping most of the country," Mr Costello said of the lower growth forecast.


The upturn in the world economy had slowed because of increasing uncertainty. The crucial United States and Japanese economies continued to perform poorly.

Mr Costello said the Government had been able to meet unexpected crises such as the drought and the Bali tragedy and still keep the Budget in the black.

But the Budget measure economists regard as more accurate - the cash balance - was forecast to slip more than $700 million to a deficit of $548 million.

Mr Costello said he would keep a tight rein on new spending, with defence having the highest priority.

"My expectation is that as we go down to the expenditure review committee there will be some demands coming out of defence," he said. "Once they are taken into account, I don't believe that there will be much room."

The Opposition said the review confirmed Mr Costello was Australia's highest taxing and spending treasurer.

"His own Budget figures show he will continue to collect over 17 per cent of national income in income tax," Labor's treasury spokesman Bob McMullan said. "No other treasurer in Australia's history has done this."

Asked if he would introduce new taxes in the next Budget, Mr Costello said: "We don't have any plans in relation to those matters."

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Old Nov 28th 2002, 2:18 am
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>> Very good , just how much time have you got on your hands?

More than you can handle obviously.

Both economies are holding up pretty well despite the uncertain international climate:

And....in the red (white & blue) corner we have the British Bulldog...

http://www.oecd.org/pdf/M00036000/M00036689.pdf

And ... in the blue (and stars) corner we have Australian Roo...

http://www.oecd.org/pdf/M00036000/M00036693.pdf

A bit underhand of me showing a balanced viewpoint, is it? I might accidentally give people some real information!
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Old Nov 28th 2002, 2:30 am
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Originally posted by madmancunian
>> Very good , just how much time have you got on your hands?

More than you can handle obviously.

Both economies are holding up pretty well despite the uncertain international climate:

A bit underhand of me showing a balanced viewpoint, is it? I might accidentally give people some real information!
Both are doing okay never, have you read all the sob stories from the British refugees on their way to Australia on top of that I am dying of thirst because of the drought in my pocket no more tick down the pub for me.

Times have got to be hard here what happened to get away cars?

A BIKE-riding gunman has held up a post office in Brisbane, using pedal power to escape.

The man, who had a handgun, stole an undisclosed sum of money from the post office at Hemmant, on the city's southside.

He was seen riding down Tingalpa Road on a red mountain bike after the robbery.



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Old Nov 28th 2002, 4:32 am
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Good one PB - yup indeed, it seems that Brisbane is sinking to the same level of crime as Perth...

Crime wave engulfs Perth.

Rival gangs of flower pinchers and grass stompers have engulfed Perth in a never ending of stream of crime. Alf Gunnett of Yanchep claimed he is too frightened to go outdoors in case someone "pinches the letters from me letterbox". Down in Rockingham Beth Turnip, claimed at on at least 2 occasions gangs had kicked small stones down her driveway - "It's disgusting - I left England with all the muggings and murders to come and live in peace - and look how Perth is turning into a modern day Bronx!".

Frightened members of the community had been turning to cementing down their garden gnomes to ensure the "little chaps" won't be nicked.

The police are a complete loss to explain - well anything!.
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Old Nov 28th 2002, 5:13 am
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Originally posted by madmancunian
Good one PB - yup indeed, it seems that Brisbane is sinking to the same level of crime as Perth...

Crime wave engulfs Perth.

Rival gangs of flower pinchers and grass stompers have engulfed Perth in a never ending of stream of crime. Alf Gunnett of Yanchep claimed he is too frightened to go outdoors in case someone "pinches the letters from me letterbox". Down in Rockingham Beth Turnip, claimed at on at least 2 occasions gangs had kicked small stones down her driveway - "It's disgusting - I left England with all the muggings and murders to come and live in peace - and look how Perth is turning into a modern day Bronx!".

Frightened members of the community had been turning to cementing down their garden gnomes to ensure the "little chaps" won't be nicked.

The police are a complete loss to explain - well anything!.
Know your subject before you make an arse of yourself?


THE family of murder victim Dianne Thomas want her accused killer to suffer – not be released from custody to die a free man.

Her cousin and close friend, Lesley Hollands, said Ms Thomas was shown no mercy when she was fatally shot at point-blank range as she sat consoling accused killer Austin Edward Dodd in his car.

Mr Dodd then turned the gun on himself and is a coma with only weeks or months to live – but the law won't let him die.

She said the week her friend died, they had been planning a Bali holiday together.

Instead, she attended Ms Thomas's funeral.

There seems to be two sorts of shopping centres dotted around Perth suburbs nowadays. There’s the shopping centre that’s a pleasant place to got to which provides a social hub for the local community… and there’s the centres filled with gangs of youths who’s anti-social behaviour makes you drive out of your way to do your daily shopping!

Hillarys Boat Harbour fell into the anti-social category.

Police at times estimated that groups of young people numbered between 500 to 700, the majority of which were aged between 12 and 16. The anti-social behaviours that caused most concern were excessive underage drinking, inappropriate sexual activity, drug abuse and trafficking, gang fights and it was openly acknowledged that girls as young as 12 were prostituting themselves for alcohol and drugs.

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Old Nov 28th 2002, 5:51 am
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Too late PB - I'm already an *rse. However, what's your excuse for writing such copious and incessant verbal diarrhoea every day?

BTW, stop rolling Nobbies nuts around in your hand - it'll make you blind in the end.

Uh oh, goto go - the men in white coats are knocking at my door again - I've just been reading what my Psychiatrist wrote in his last report...

"MM is clinically inane - he needs to go and spout his vacuous diatrabe in a forum with like-minded people."

So here I am - and indeed here you are.

(P.S. Are you learning some new words today?)
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Old Nov 28th 2002, 5:54 am
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Originally posted by madmancunian
Too late PB - I'm already an *rse. However, what's your excuse for writing such copious and incessant verbal diarrhoea every day?

BTW, stop rolling Nobbies nuts around in your hand - it'll make you blind in the end.

Uh oh, goto go - the men in white coats are knocking at my door again - I've just been reading what my Psychiatrist wrote in his last report...

"MM is clinically inane - he needs to go and spout his vacuous diatrabe in a forum with like-minded people."

So here I am - and indeed here you are.

(P.S. Are you learning some new words today?)
Could you be slightly upset?new words whats wrong with the old ones.

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Old Nov 28th 2002, 6:42 am
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Hands up,

Who wants this to happen?...

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/australia.shtml
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Old Nov 28th 2002, 6:53 am
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Originally posted by madmancunian
Hands up,

Who wants this to happen?...

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/australia.shtml
i preferred being part of gondwanaland
 
Old Nov 28th 2002, 7:18 am
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Originally posted by madmancunian
Hands up,

Who wants this to happen?...

http://www.satirewire.com/news/jan02/australia.shtml

Things not to say to your Aussie , might help you.

Get your shit stars off our flag.
We came with our rucksacks on you a ball and chain (best sung!)
Do you mind not talking through your nose at me!
Are you from New Zealand?
God save your gracious Queen.
Do you mind paying us back for the Sydney Harbour Bridge, or, Do you really think the design is not exactly the same as the one in Newcastle?
Why is it in Australian Rules Football that if you miss the goal you still get points?
Sing - Shane Warne went to bed with 10 men, 9 men, 8 men .... 1 man and his sheep Baaaaa! (Not to mention getting knocked back by an English nurse.)
Did you really steal a generation of Aboriginal children from their parents? Have you said sorry?
Strewth this VB tastes like cat's piss, you got any Carling?
Why is it all your sentences go up at the end?
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Old Nov 28th 2002, 7:36 am
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Originally posted by pommie bastard
Things not to say to your Aussie , might help you.


Did you really steal a generation of Aboriginal children from their parents? Have you said sorry?
everyone except the federal government
unfortunately



and when will Britain say sorry to Aborigines,PB
in our lifetimes?
 

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