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sad sad situation

sad sad situation

Old Jul 22nd 2011, 11:11 am
  #46  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by yorkshiretobrisbane View Post
Well... I want best for son and me and basically his dad needs to realize the world doesn't revolve around him. England is not great but neither is Australia. I have never been 100% happy in Australia, we came here with mind set if we like it and it works for us we'll stay if not we'll go back. I feel I have to stay here for my ex, I feel trapped.

My son has all grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles etc back in England. When we was back at Easter he was in his element and absolutely loved spending time with them. I am not using my son to punish his dad, far from it actually, I just wish he would realize that his son needs both parents. I need some support at the moment and that would be in England. He would easily be able to adjust and work in england would not be a problem for him at all.

Tough life decision have never been my strong point..
Oh its not easy, far from it. I have been in similar situation so I am 'preaching' with experience and so know its heart wrenching whatever decision is made.
I reckon that what ever decision you make will not rest easy with you.
Good luck!
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Old Jul 22nd 2011, 11:13 am
  #47  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by Janna and Nick View Post
It's been a while since I've posted on here. I've been focussing my time and life on living here in Australia and embracing it fully. I've read your post and feel compelled to comment.

Firstly let me say I do not have first hand experience of your situation. I do however have a close friend who is in the same position. Kids are older and husband is a complete nutcase! He walked away after making the family live his dream by moving to Australia. It has not been easy and it continues to not be easy now and we are a year or so down the line. I'm not telling you this to scare you or make you go back to England. I'm telling you A) so you know you are not alone and B) so it's not a rosy picture of everything will be nice and fluffy and happy with butterflies etc. etc.

Forget for a second that you are in Australia. That is an added complication. Try to imagine yourself in England now. The heartache you are feeling, the abandonment, the anger, the loneliness, the confusion would all still be the same. The only difference being you have you family around you. Having a holiday is great but that will be completely different to living there. Normal life still has to carry on. Work, social, homelife etc. There will still be many hours in a day when you are alone or it's just you and your son. There will still be early wake ups in the morning when everything seems so much worse than it really is.

The fact is your marriage has ended and no matter where this occurs in the world, it is still a trauma, a wrench, a sh*t experience to go through. In times like these we make rash decisions because we don't want to feel the pain anymore. You're thinking maybe if I go back to England it won't hurt anymore. Or mum and dad will make it better. The reality is the only thing that will make you feel better is time.

Especially as you say he no longer loves you anymore. That is a serious confidence knock.

You need time to breathe. To just be. You need to grieve and get angry and feel cheated and all of those things we do when a relationship ends. Especially a marriage because of all the promises we make and the commitment. But life will get better again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will laugh again. You will be happy and you will also love again. Being single after all this time is scary. Change isn't nice and more often than not is unwelcome.

Give yourself a break and don't worry so much about right and wrong. Spend time getting to know the real you after being a wife and a mother first.

I guess if you take anything from my post, take your time. Don't rush into anything. You don't want to make a rash decision after being hurt so badly by someone who promised to love you forever.

You will be okay. You will make it through. Believe in yourself and give yourself some credit.

I wish you the very best both now and for your future.
Good post!!!
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Old Jul 22nd 2011, 11:23 am
  #48  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by Janna and Nick View Post
It's been a while since I've posted on here. I've been focussing my time and life on living here in Australia and embracing it fully. I've read your post and feel compelled to comment.

Firstly let me say I do not have first hand experience of your situation. I do however have a close friend who is in the same position. Kids are older and husband is a complete nutcase! He walked away after making the family live his dream by moving to Australia. It has not been easy and it continues to not be easy now and we are a year or so down the line. I'm not telling you this to scare you or make you go back to England. I'm telling you A) so you know you are not alone and B) so it's not a rosy picture of everything will be nice and fluffy and happy with butterflies etc. etc.

Forget for a second that you are in Australia. That is an added complication. Try to imagine yourself in England now. The heartache you are feeling, the abandonment, the anger, the loneliness, the confusion would all still be the same. The only difference being you have you family around you. Having a holiday is great but that will be completely different to living there. Normal life still has to carry on. Work, social, homelife etc. There will still be many hours in a day when you are alone or it's just you and your son. There will still be early wake ups in the morning when everything seems so much worse than it really is.

The fact is your marriage has ended and no matter where this occurs in the world, it is still a trauma, a wrench, a sh*t experience to go through. In times like these we make rash decisions because we don't want to feel the pain anymore. You're thinking maybe if I go back to England it won't hurt anymore. Or mum and dad will make it better. The reality is the only thing that will make you feel better is time.

Especially as you say he no longer loves you anymore. That is a serious confidence knock.

You need time to breathe. To just be. You need to grieve and get angry and feel cheated and all of those things we do when a relationship ends. Especially a marriage because of all the promises we make and the commitment. But life will get better again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will laugh again. You will be happy and you will also love again. Being single after all this time is scary. Change isn't nice and more often than not is unwelcome.

Give yourself a break and don't worry so much about right and wrong. Spend time getting to know the real you after being a wife and a mother first.

I guess if you take anything from my post, take your time. Don't rush into anything. You don't want to make a rash decision after being hurt so badly by someone who promised to love you forever.

You will be okay. You will make it through. Believe in yourself and give yourself some credit.

I wish you the very best both now and for your future.
Thanks. I just want to make the right decisions and my boy and me to be happy.
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Old Jul 22nd 2011, 11:31 am
  #49  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by yorkshiretobrisbane View Post
Thanks. I just want to make the right decisions and my boy and me to be happy.
I know you do, but with so much bias towards going back to England, you could be doing it for the wrong reasons.

There is no rush. We take years getting our head round moving to Australia in the first place, shouldn't we take our time thinking about moving back? Especially under these circumstances. You will never be 100% sure either way. But give yourself time to grieve.

I know this isn't easy, far from it. But have the strength and the faith to know that you will make it through. You absolutely most definitely will.

Be strong, cry when you need to, lean on your friends when you need to and don't for one minute think you are a burden. You deserve better and better is on it's way, you just have to be open to receiving it.
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Old Jul 22nd 2011, 12:11 pm
  #50  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Hi

I've just recently gone through the same thing. I left my hubby in January and moved out into a rental - I wouldn't have been able to afford the mortgage on my own.

It's not been easy I have to admit, but I am now starting to come out the other side and find that I am so much happier on my own. The kids have started to accept it, and me and him are now on friendly terms.

You really do need to give yourself time to 'grieve' over your marriage ending before you make any decisions. I managed to get in to see a counselor which helped me so much. You can get subsidised sessions if you go through your GP - you need to tell them you are not coping too well and they refer you. I got mine free through work, so not sure how much they cost exactly, but was told $10 - $20 depending who I went to.

If you feel the need to talk, you can PM me anytime. I will reply as soon as I can

Thinking of you xx
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Old Jul 22nd 2011, 3:49 pm
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Relationships are really tested here for all I think, good luck.
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Old Jul 23rd 2011, 1:16 am
  #52  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by lancastrian48 View Post
Relationships are really tested here for all I think, good luck.
That is so true
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Old Jul 23rd 2011, 2:23 am
  #53  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by paddyo View Post
Oh its not easy, far from it. I have been in similar situation so I am 'preaching' with experience and so know its heart wrenching whatever decision is made.
I reckon that what ever decision you make will not rest easy with you.
Good luck!
Do u have children in a differant country?
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Old Jul 23rd 2011, 2:41 am
  #54  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by yorkshiretobrisbane View Post
Do u have children in a differant country?
Yep.....when I responded a few months ago I explained our situation.
Its not easy when seperated but if you want to make it work then you will, of course with distance comes cost as well and agaoin both parties should consider that.
I was lucky, my ex and I parted on excellent terms and throughout our kids come first. I even asked their permission when I came out here!! Luckily they deemed fit to say yes!!
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Old Jul 23rd 2011, 11:29 am
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by yorkshiretobrisbane View Post

My son has all grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles etc back in England. When we was back at Easter he was in his element and absolutely loved spending time with them.
Which is lovely and as it should be but that wasn't real life. As has been said, what happens on holiday doesn't happen the rest of the year. I'm sure you're not but please don't base your decision on family and friends being there for you and him. It very often just doesn't happen and then you could find yourself and your son being miserable in the UK whilst the father is miserable in Aus because he doesn't have a relationship with his son.

We obviously don't know the full story (and don't wish to really) but you and he split up, not he and his child. The world doesn't revolve around your ex, nor does it you, it does revolve around your son and whilst it could just be wording, it does seem that you are maybe trying to punish your ex and make him do something he shouldn't necessarily do which in the long run won't help your son.

Just an opinion and if I've got the wrong end of the stick, I apologise.
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Old Jul 23rd 2011, 12:22 pm
  #56  
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by moneypenny20 View Post
Which is lovely and as it should be but that wasn't real life. As has been said, what happens on holiday doesn't happen the rest of the year. I'm sure you're not but please don't base your decision on family and friends being there for you and him. It very often just doesn't happen and then you could find yourself and your son being miserable in the UK whilst the father is miserable in Aus because he doesn't have a relationship with his son.

We obviously don't know the full story (and don't wish to really) but you and he split up, not he and his child. The world doesn't revolve around your ex, nor does it you, it does revolve around your son and whilst it could just be wording, it does seem that you are maybe trying to punish your ex and make him do something he shouldn't necessarily do which in the long run won't help your son.

Just an opinion and if I've got the wrong end of the stick, I apologise.
What she said!!!!
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Old Jul 23rd 2011, 10:45 pm
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by moneypenny20 View Post
Which is lovely and as it should be but that wasn't real life. As has been said, what happens on holiday doesn't happen the rest of the year. I'm sure you're not but please don't base your decision on family and friends being there for you and him. It very often just doesn't happen and then you could find yourself and your son being miserable in the UK whilst the father is miserable in Aus because he doesn't have a relationship with his son.

We obviously don't know the full story (and don't wish to really) but you and he split up, not he and his child. The world doesn't revolve around your ex, nor does it you, it does revolve around your son and whilst it could just be wording, it does seem that you are maybe trying to punish your ex and make him do something he shouldn't necessarily do which in the long run won't help your son.

Just an opinion and if I've got the wrong end of the stick, I apologise.
Wrong end of stick completely....

I want son and myself to be happy - don't think that's asking alot.

We as a couple came here together and said we'd go home together if not happy I have never been 100% but stuck it out had our son and carried on with life... Been back to England every year and loved it.

Split has happened and I am feeling home is England for me and son.. And feel that's were I will be happy (in time). Feel trapped because I want my son to be alittle closer to his dad than a 24 plane trip away...

Feel like I have no choice but to stay here and potentially be misrable which I don't want because I think if I am not happy it will reflect on my beautiful boy.. He is 3 and I hope young enough to adapt to the new situation and maybe new country..
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Old Jul 23rd 2011, 10:48 pm
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by paddyo View Post
Yep.....when I responded a few months ago I explained our situation.
Its not easy when seperated but if you want to make it work then you will, of course with distance comes cost as well and agaoin both parties should consider that.
I was lucky, my ex and I parted on excellent terms and throughout our kids come first. I even asked their permission when I came out here!! Luckily they deemed fit to say yes!!
Hey how are your girls coping with you been over here, do u have regular communication with them, how often do u actually see them. Do u feel your relationship has stayed stong or changed?

Thanks
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Old Jul 24th 2011, 2:13 am
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Default Re: sad sad situation

Originally Posted by yorkshiretobrisbane View Post
Wrong end of stick completely....

I want son and myself to be happy - don't think that's asking alot.

We as a couple came here together and said we'd go home together if not happy I have never been 100% but stuck it out had our son and carried on with life... Been back to England every year and loved it.

Split has happened and I am feeling home is England for me and son.. And feel that's were I will be happy (in time). Feel trapped because I want my son to be alittle closer to his dad than a 24 plane trip away...

Feel like I have no choice but to stay here and potentially be misrable which I don't want because I think if I am not happy it will reflect on my beautiful boy.. He is 3 and I hope young enough to adapt to the new situation and maybe new country..
My daughter (11) decided that she wanted to live with her father, this really saddens me as you can imagine. But it's what she wanted, so I have agreed to it...for now anyway!

I can't imagine how I'd feel if he decided to take her back to the UK though. (well I wouldn't let him anyway!)

Must be really hard for both of you. Can't really do right for doing wrong either way can you
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Old Jul 24th 2011, 6:20 am
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Default Re: sad sad situation

[/QUOTE]I can't imagine how I'd feel if he decided to take her back to the UK though. (well I wouldn't let him anyway!) [/QUOTE]

Difference here is I have not chosen to separate our family....he did and now I feel I have to bow down and stay in australia for him and our son to continue to have a close relationship, when in reaility i feel he should have thought of the concequences and the mostly likely chance that I would want to return to england with our son and that he should be prepared to move there (which he isnt) which I totally do not get!

Although I am grateful that he won't stop us returning to England if that's ultimately what I feel is best for us.
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