quantas funnies
May 29th 2004, 5:04 pm
#1
life begins again...
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: doncaster..then scunny... now canberra.
Posts: 1,790
qantas funnies
hi folks. i received this in the old email this afternoon and thought some of you might appreciate a giggle. they've been doing the rounds for years on email but they still make me laugh. enjoy.
btw i couldn't be bothered to remove the >> marks as my dinner is burning in the oven.
> > Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> >
> > humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
> >
> > pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way
> >
> > Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
> >
> >
> >
> > P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
> >
> > S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
> >
> >
> >
> > * P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> >
> > * S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > * P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> >
> > * S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > * P: Something loose in cockpit.
> >
> > * S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > * P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >
> > * S: Live bugs on backorder!!.
> >
> > * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> >
> > * S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > *P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >
> > *S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > * P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >
> > * S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > *P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >
> > *S: That's what they're there for!
> >
> > *P: IFF inoperative.
> >
> > *S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> > * P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> >
> > * S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > *P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> >
> > airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
> >
> > *S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > *P: Aircraft handles funny.
> >
> > *S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > *P: Radar hums.
> >
> > *S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
> >
> > *P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >
> > *S: Cat installed.
btw i couldn't be bothered to remove the >> marks as my dinner is burning in the oven.
> > Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> >
> > humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
> >
> > pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way
> >
> > Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
> >
> >
> >
> > P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
> >
> > S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
> >
> >
> >
> > * P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> >
> > * S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > * P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> >
> > * S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > * P: Something loose in cockpit.
> >
> > * S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > * P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >
> > * S: Live bugs on backorder!!.
> >
> > * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> >
> > * S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > *P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >
> > *S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > * P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >
> > * S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > *P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >
> > *S: That's what they're there for!
> >
> > *P: IFF inoperative.
> >
> > *S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> > * P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> >
> > * S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > *P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> >
> > airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
> >
> > *S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > *P: Aircraft handles funny.
> >
> > *S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > *P: Radar hums.
> >
> > *S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
> >
> > *P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >
> > *S: Cat installed.
Last edited by scutterUK; May 29th 2004 at 5:08 pm.
May 29th 2004, 6:36 pm
#2
What's happening dudes?
Joined: Mar 2004
Location: Bayside Brisbane
Posts: 20,647
Re: qantas funnies
A classic
Last edited by wmoore; May 29th 2004 at 6:40 pm.
May 29th 2004, 6:55 pm
#3
Joined: Jun 2003
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 597
Not seen these before (where have I been?)
Made me laugh
Elaine M
Made me laugh
Elaine M
May 29th 2004, 7:13 pm
#4
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Brentwood, Essex but Adelaide bound
Posts: 397
Top quality!
May 29th 2004, 8:34 pm
#6
life begins again...
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: doncaster..then scunny... now canberra.
Posts: 1,790
my favourite
> > *P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> >
> > airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
> >
> > *S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
by the way, i spotted i'd spelt qantas wrong, but the edit thing wont let you change the title afterwards.....
> > *P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> >
> > airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
> >
> > *S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
by the way, i spotted i'd spelt qantas wrong, but the edit thing wont let you change the title afterwards.....
May 29th 2004, 9:09 pm
#7
small steps long journey
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: A river somewhere
Posts: 3,451
Originally posted by scutterUK
my favourite
> > *P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> >
> > airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
> >
> > *S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
by the way, i spotted i'd spelt qantas wrong, but the edit thing wont let you change the title afterwards.....
my favourite
> > *P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> >
> > airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
> >
> > *S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
by the way, i spotted i'd spelt qantas wrong, but the edit thing wont let you change the title afterwards.....
May 29th 2004, 9:23 pm
#8
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2004
Location: Mandurah, WA
Posts: 535
Excellent entertainment for a very boring Saturday night.
Lindsey
Lindsey
May 29th 2004, 11:42 pm
#9
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Arrived in Brisbane - 5th August '04.
Posts: 146
Re: qantas funnies
Originally posted by scutterUK
hi folks. i received this in the old email this afternoon and thought some of you might appreciate a giggle. they've been doing the rounds for years on email but they still make me laugh. enjoy.
btw i couldn't be bothered to remove the >> marks as my dinner is burning in the oven.
> > Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> >
> > humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
> >
> > pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way
> >
> > Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
> >
> >
> >
> > P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
> >
> > S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
> >
> >
> >
> > * P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> >
> > * S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > * P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> >
> > * S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > * P: Something loose in cockpit.
> >
> > * S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > * P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >
> > * S: Live bugs on backorder!!.
> >
> > * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> >
> > * S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > *P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >
> > *S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > * P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >
> > * S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > *P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >
> > *S: That's what they're there for!
> >
> > *P: IFF inoperative.
> >
> > *S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> > * P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> >
> > * S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > *P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> >
> > airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
> >
> > *S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > *P: Aircraft handles funny.
> >
> > *S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > *P: Radar hums.
> >
> > *S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
> >
> > *P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >
> > *S: Cat installed.
hi folks. i received this in the old email this afternoon and thought some of you might appreciate a giggle. they've been doing the rounds for years on email but they still make me laugh. enjoy.
btw i couldn't be bothered to remove the >> marks as my dinner is burning in the oven.
> > Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> >
> > humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS
> >
> > pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way
> >
> > Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
> >
> >
> >
> > P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log.
> >
> > S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
> >
> >
> >
> > * P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> >
> > * S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > * P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
> >
> > * S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > * P: Something loose in cockpit.
> >
> > * S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > * P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >
> > * S: Live bugs on backorder!!.
> >
> > * P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
> >
> > * S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > *P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >
> > *S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > * P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >
> > * S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > *P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >
> > *S: That's what they're there for!
> >
> > *P: IFF inoperative.
> >
> > *S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >
> > * P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
> >
> > * S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > *P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
> >
> > airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
> >
> > *S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > *P: Aircraft handles funny.
> >
> > *S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > *P: Radar hums.
> >
> > *S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
> >
> > *P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >
> > *S: Cat installed.
Qantas is now off the list of the only airline not to have had an accident, a few years ago one of their 747's slid of the runway during a monsoon in some place like thailand, no one was really hurt or anything like that, but if i remember it right the 747 was written off.
Mind you they lasted the longest out of all the long haul guys.
Great list by the way, made me laugh on this boring , Big Brother saturday night.
Mark.
May 29th 2004, 11:49 pm
#10
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2004
Location: Birkdale QLD
Posts: 7,642
Re: qantas funnies
Originally posted by Gold Coasters
Just one thing to change here.
Qantas is now off the list of the only airline not to have had an accident, a few years ago one of their 747's slid of the runway during a monsoon in some place like thailand, no one was really hurt or anything like that, but if i remember it right the 747 was written off.
Mind you they lasted the longest out of all the long haul guys.
Great list by the way, made me laugh on this boring , Big Brother saturday night.
Mark.
Just one thing to change here.
Qantas is now off the list of the only airline not to have had an accident, a few years ago one of their 747's slid of the runway during a monsoon in some place like thailand, no one was really hurt or anything like that, but if i remember it right the 747 was written off.
Mind you they lasted the longest out of all the long haul guys.
Great list by the way, made me laugh on this boring , Big Brother saturday night.
Mark.
P: Noise from control panel sounds like there is a midget in there with a hammer
S: Removed hammer from midget
But yeah, its a myth, funny none the less,
JTL
May 30th 2004, 3:33 am
#11
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Apr 2002
Location: From Worcestershire to Perth WA
Posts: 1,106
Hey dont worry about the spelling of Qantas, i am doing a travel and tourism 2 year course here at Tafe, and only two of us in the class spelt it right, me and a lass from scotland. The other guys in the class all spelt it with a U.
Joanne
Joanne
May 30th 2004, 9:20 am
#12
life begins again...
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: doncaster..then scunny... now canberra.
Posts: 1,790
Originally posted by jopaulss
Hey dont worry about the spelling of Qantas, i am doing a travel and tourism 2 year course here at Tafe, and only two of us in the class spelt it right, me and a lass from scotland. The other guys in the class all spelt it with a U.
Joanne
Hey dont worry about the spelling of Qantas, i am doing a travel and tourism 2 year course here at Tafe, and only two of us in the class spelt it right, me and a lass from scotland. The other guys in the class all spelt it with a U.
Joanne
that's ok then, i don't feel half as stupid now.....:|
mark,...... you really should get out more.
May 30th 2004, 11:21 am
#13
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Arrived in Brisbane - 5th August '04.
Posts: 146
Originally posted by scutterUK
that's ok then, i don't feel half as stupid now.....:|
mark,...... you really should get out more.
that's ok then, i don't feel half as stupid now.....:|
mark,...... you really should get out more.
thanks, i will try.
except now, it is grand prix sunday.
oh my god, death by tv.
help me somebodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Mark.
May 30th 2004, 10:15 pm
#14
Class 2 Guru
Joined: May 2004
Location: Where the stars look very diff-e-rent today... and tomorrow!
Posts: 1,124
Originally posted by seang
shouldnt have said anything -dont think anyone else noticed
shouldnt have said anything -dont think anyone else noticed
May 30th 2004, 10:17 pm
#15
Class 2 Guru
Joined: May 2004
Location: Where the stars look very diff-e-rent today... and tomorrow!
Posts: 1,124
Originally posted by Gold Coasters
thanks, i will try.
except now, it is grand prix sunday.
oh my god, death by tv.
help me somebodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Mark.
thanks, i will try.
except now, it is grand prix sunday.
oh my god, death by tv.
help me somebodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
Mark.