Thylacoleo

Bush Intelligence Test
There were the two young Aussie blokes who had arranged to meet down by the river to do a spot of fishing. One of them was running late, so his mate decided to start with out him. He was lying back on the riverbank, fishing, with his line in the water and the other end around his big toe. Beside him he had these little black pills and was idly flicking them into the air. Eventually, his mate came along.
"G'day, where have you been?" the fisherman asked.
"Had to do a couple of jobs for Dad. Hey, what are those little black pills you're throwing in the air?"
"Ah, they're Smart Pills," the first bloke explained. "You oughta try some."
"What do they do?"
"They make you smarter."
So the second bloke took one. After a while he said "They're not making me any smarter."
"Well, take a handful."
So the second bloke did. He chewed them up until he had black juice running all down his chin.
Suddenly he stopped. "Hey, these black pills are just sheep shit!" he said.
The fisherman laughed, "I told you they'd make you smarter."


FNQld

In the north of Australia is a place called Queensland which is very hot, humid and the pubs are rough.

Anyway, this posh pommie (English) bloke is traveling through Queensland in the middle of summer by bicycle and is caught in a huge tropical storm. He sees a sign which says there is a pub 18 miles up the road. So he rides his bike to the pub and when he finally gets there his appearance resembles that of a drowned rat.

Anyway, the locals hardly even look up from their beers as he walks in, dripping wet, and heads up to the bar and orders a scotch on ice. The barman gives him the worst scotch he has ever tasted but the pommie drinks it down and asks the barman where the dunny (toilet) is. The barman tells him it is outside.

So the pommie trudges outside into the rain and all he can see in the rain is two big piles of shit, one much bigger than the other. So the pommie walks over to the smaller pile, relieved that someone had the sense to start a new pile since the larger one was clearly unmanageable.

He has his pants around his ankles and is in the process of relieving himself when a gunshot rings out and a bullet smacks into the heap just beside his head.

Well the poor pommie turns around, in a somewhat vulnerable position, and sees this huge Aussie guy standing at the door of the pub with his still smoking gun in his hand.

"What..What is going on?" Stammers the poor pommie.

The huge Aussie responds "Get the hell out of the Ladies you dirty bastard."

jayr

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk". The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Ceri

Here's a few Brit Jokes (non Aussie) I've just had a look through my old mail in my inbox for these, I've got some Aussie ones somewhere - can't seem to find them at this moment- sorry if I offend anyone , they are just jokes.You may have heard of them before - here goes:




Three bearers
A wealthy man left legacies to three of his friends on condition that when he was buried, they each placed £5 in his coffin.

When he died, the first of his friends, who was an Englishman, dutifully placed a £5 note in his coffin; the second friend, an Irishman, added £5 in pennies which he had saved up for the occasion.

The third friend, a Scotsman, removed all the money from the coffin and replaced it with a cheque for £15 made 'payable to bearer'.

Unfortunately for Sandy one of the bearers turned out to be a Welshman and he promptly cashed it.



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Not enough parachutes
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman and a Welshman were travelling in an aircraft that went out of control and was about to crash.

To their dismay, they discovered that there were only three parachutes in the plane

The Irishman argued that he should be given a parachute. He was an important politician upon whom all hope of peace in Ireland rested.

The Welshman handed him over the first parachute and he bailed out.

Next, the Englishman argued he ought to have one since he was a very important businessman whose death would result in the collapse of the English economy. The Englishman silently put the straps over his shoulders and he jumped out after the Irishman..

The Welshman now turned to the Scotsman and handed him a parachute. 'Here you are' he said cheerfully.

'But what about you Taffy?' gasped the Scotsman, amazed at this unflinching heroism.

'Oh, I'll be all right Jock' said the Welshman. The Englishman took my haversack'.


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And a quick one for the engineers here:


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons,
Civil engineers build targets.

Ceri

I heard a similar version by "Kevin Bloody Wilson" years ago, the op was performed on an Australian Aborigine and when he woke up after losing all his brain - he started to sing "Here we go, here we go, here we go" ( the English football chant)


cheers

Thylacoleo

What has no arms, no legs, and if it had a head would be floating face down in the Thames?

An Englishman who told one Irish joke too many.

Thylacoleo

An elderly Aboriginal couple are crossing a road on a pedestrian crossing on the fringe of a country town when a drunken, Redneck hoon in a four-wheel drive screams over the hill at 150 kph in a 60 kph zone and strikes them. One Aborigine is thrown violently through the air and lands 50 metres away in the bush. The other is also thrown into the air - but crashes through the windscreen, landing on the vehicle's back seat.

"Er, Er, will there be any charges, mate?", slurs the tattooed vegie slumped behind the wheel to the policeman who arrives at the scene. "My bloody oath", says the cop. "We'll charge the one in the bush with leaving the scene of an accident without giving his name and address, and we'll get the one on the back seat on breaking and entering."

Ceri

Just found an Aussie one in my one of my folders in the inbox

I think all these jokes make their rounds and people just change the nationalities of the joke


here it is anyway:


ADVICE NEEDED
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy, my parents live in Western Australia and my brother in law is a New Zealander living in Adelaide, South Australia.
My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Melbourne for a living.
My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of rape and murder.
I am in love with an aboriginal prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background.
We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn't bother her at all.
When I get out of the navy we will open a brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep it in the family.
My problem is this, I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother in law being a Kiwi?

Thylacoleo

One day, at a local cafe, a man suddenly calls out: "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a dollar coin. Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stands up and announces that he's quite experienced at this sort of thing.

He steps over with almost no look of concern at all, wraps his hands around the boy's testicles and squeezes.

The boy screams in pain, but out pops the coin.

The man then goes back to his table as though nothing has happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cries. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replies the man. "I work for the Tax Office."

Thylacoleo

Three male mice are sitting at a bar with three shots of tequila arguing about how tough they are.

The first mouse says: "I'm so tough, I break into the cupboard just to eat the rat poison." He slams down his tequila and looks at the second mouse.

The second mouse replies: "That's nothing. I'm so tough, I run through a mouse trap, grab the cheese, flip on to my back and bench press the killer springed trap wire." He slams down his tequila and looks at the third mouse.

The third mouse slams down his tequila, slides off his stool and begins walking away from the bar. The other mice scream: "Hey, Softy, where do you think you're going?!!"

The third mouse replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."

jayr

So, my dog was a bit crook so I thought I'd take him down the vets.

I asked the vet to have a look at him, so the vet picks him up in his arms, examines his teeth, turns him over looks at his paws, throws him over his shoulder and lifts his tail.

When he's done the vet looked at me and said "I'm afraid I'm going to have put your dog down."

"Why?" I said

"Because he's too heavy."

Houdini

I'll let you work out what nationality I am from this joke:

A South African was sitting with an Aussie and an Englishman in Saudi
Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the
police
entered and arrested them.They were initially given the death sentence but
contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it was a
national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after each
receiving 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:
"It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of
you
one wish before your whipping, but you can not wish not to be whipped!"

The Englishman thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my
back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes
before the whip went through. The Englishman cried in pain.

The Aussie saw this and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back before
whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20
lashes.The Aussie stood up smiling.
The South African saw this but before he could make his wish, the Sheikh
said: "As you are from South Africa with all that crime, a cricket team
who
is always losing in a final and a rugby team who can't win anything, you
are
permitted to have two wishes!"

The South African thought for a second, then said: "Thank you most Royal
and Merciful Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with
the strongest, toughest whip available."

"If you so desire," the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his
face,"and your second wish?" "Tie the Aussie to my back"

BritboyNZ

Bit rood but my humble 0.02c worth:

Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent and the last instruction from Mother Superior is that they mustn't get any paint on their habits.

After confering about this for a while the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off their habits and paint the room in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock on the door.

"Who's there" calls out one of the nuns.

"The blind man" replies the voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug deciding no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door....



"Nice Tits" says the man "now where do you want these blinds?"

HazelG

hide from the kids!!!!

Darren Gilbert

this morning 3am i was woken by a knock at the door,there was a man standing there and asked me if i could give him a push,he said my light was on and thought someone was up,i told him he had just got me up,he said he was very sorry but reallty needed a push i told him to wait there while i got dressed,i went upstairs got dressed and came downstairs opened the door and there was no one there i shouted r u there mate and a voice from the darkness replied i am on the swing

TheCrone

There's this 12-year-old lad from a migrant family sitting in an Australian classroom while the teacher talks about IQ levels.
The boy raises his hand. "Sir, sir, I understand about IQ levels, but what does it mean to people? If I have an IQ of 140, what will it mean for me?"
"Well, lad, that's in the top 2% of brain power. You'd probably go on to University, have the choice which profession you'd opt for; doctor, lawyer, academic - all those fields would be open to you."
"I see. And if I had an IQ of120?"
"Maybe University. It's around this level that the good, solid middle-level managers and executives come."
"And an IQ of 100?"
"They're usually tradespeople, artisans, shopkeepers; productive members of society - and don't forget, the majority of people are around this level."
"And with an IQ of 80?"
The teacher exploded; "Why, boy, you'd be a moron a cretin. Doubt if you'd be able to tie your own shoe-laces!"
A look of illumination comes over the boy's face. "I see!", he said. "So that's why so many Australians wear thongs..........."