The phone call we all dread
Apr 5th 2011, 2:12 am
#46
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Tropical North QLD
Posts: 21,434
Re: The phone call we all dread
Whilst I understand your pain I would imagine that postponing the wedding would have been the last thing your mother would have wanted. I'd say it was probably the one thing making her hang on and once you'd done it, she felt able to let go.
Don't beat yourself up about her last few months, you were there and were presumably sharing the run up to the wedding with her. I'm sure that made her very happy.
Enjoy your life and remember you did what was right at the time.
Don't beat yourself up about her last few months, you were there and were presumably sharing the run up to the wedding with her. I'm sure that made her very happy.
Enjoy your life and remember you did what was right at the time.
Very best wishes to everyone who is struggling with these terribly difficult decisions right now.
Apr 5th 2011, 9:24 am
#47
Forum Regular
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 160
Re: The phone call we all dread
It is so hard to know what to do in this situation. We had been here less than a year and my Nan was diagnosed with terminal ovarian Cancer. My immediate thought was to go back but my Dad made me rethink it. HE asked me why I was coming back and was I going to change anything??? I realised taht if I went back I wouldnt be able to do anything, I wouldnt change the outcome. Plus my Nan called me and said `dont you dare! You worked so hard to get there, it would be a shame to waste this chance`. I listened to my Nan and my Dad and I stayed put. The vicar and my aunt sent me the script and music for the funeral so I `was there` with everyone.
There is no right or wrong answer. I`d say you have to go with your gut. If you wanna go, go. You may not get another chance to see your relative.
You can always earn more money, get another job. You cant get more rellies!
Apr 5th 2011, 9:30 am
#48
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,840
Re: The phone call we all dread
Sorry for yer bad news mate,must agree with Moneypenny's excellant reply,think thats the way to go,and good luck.
Apr 11th 2011, 2:57 am
#49
Jan4kids
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: Hertfordshire - Adelaide - now Gold Coast.
Posts: 1,156
Re: The phone call we all dread
It depends if she has the aggressive kind of cancer or not but to echo Ozzidocs advice, I would be making plans to go home now.
I am going to be completely honest here, people can deteriorate rapidly with cancer, my own Mum had lung cancer and secondary liver and she had just 6 weeks after diagnosis and one minute she was positive saying 'Ill fight it' and then it took hold quickly.
I can appreciate what people mean by not acting in haste but being realistic, you do need to act quite fast.
Because you live so far away, you cant count on the 'only 24 hours away' scenario. You are at the mercy of your finances, the airlines, and time which you cannot control.
Make the plans now so you can be with your Mum sooner rather than later, so you can see her in her current state of health not a rapidly deteriorating one.
The time you spend with her now cannot be bought, cannot be replaced and for the sake of moving back a bit earlier, the answer is to go back now.
I am sorry if that sounds negative but you dont want to be in a position of where you cant get back due to circumstances being out of your control.
Thinking of you and your family at this time
I am going to be completely honest here, people can deteriorate rapidly with cancer, my own Mum had lung cancer and secondary liver and she had just 6 weeks after diagnosis and one minute she was positive saying 'Ill fight it' and then it took hold quickly.
I can appreciate what people mean by not acting in haste but being realistic, you do need to act quite fast.
Because you live so far away, you cant count on the 'only 24 hours away' scenario. You are at the mercy of your finances, the airlines, and time which you cannot control.
Make the plans now so you can be with your Mum sooner rather than later, so you can see her in her current state of health not a rapidly deteriorating one.
The time you spend with her now cannot be bought, cannot be replaced and for the sake of moving back a bit earlier, the answer is to go back now.
I am sorry if that sounds negative but you dont want to be in a position of where you cant get back due to circumstances being out of your control.
Thinking of you and your family at this time
Sam gave me pretty much the same advice when my Mum was diagnosed with Stomach Cancer in 2008. Getting the timing right for a last visit to Mum was such a juggling act......I did my best around kids and work, but she died as I was flying to her (I was just 10 hours short ) This will live for me forever and believe me it is not a good feeling.Best wishes and hugs, Jan x
Apr 19th 2011, 12:44 pm
#50
On the Dark Side :-)
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: South Wales to New South Wales!
Posts: 3,065
Re: The phone call we all dread
Do not stand at my Grave and weep - Mary Elizabeth Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave bereft
I am not there. I have not left.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave bereft
I am not there. I have not left.
Such a very strange emotion/sensation to go through. Family telling you you don't understand because you hadn't been there.. etc etc etc... so different for each and every one of us.
These calls make us all question our decision to move to the other side of the world, and its all something we know will happen, but never something we can ever prepare for.
My mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer within 12 months of our arrival in Australia (thankfully she's a survivor), and my dad was classed as terminally ill within 4 years (sadly not so luckly).
Take what we have, while we have it, and bloody enjoy it is my motto as you seriously never know what is around the corner!
xxxx
Apr 19th 2011, 1:08 pm
#51
no stressin no fussin....
Joined: Aug 2007
Location: Fantasy Island....
Posts: 12,616
Re: The phone call we all dread
That is so lovely. I am sadly one of the 'phone call' club after losing my dad in September 2009. I got the phone call and he passed within about 10 hours of that call. Guilt... yes some, sadness... lots, Lost... completely, for a while.
Such a very strange emotion/sensation to go through. Family telling you you don't understand because you hadn't been there.. etc etc etc... so different for each and every one of us.
These calls make us all question our decision to move to the other side of the world, and its all something we know will happen, but never something we can ever prepare for.
My mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer within 12 months of our arrival in Australia (thankfully she's a survivor), and my dad was classed as terminally ill within 4 years (sadly not so luckly).
Take what we have, while we have it, and bloody enjoy it is my motto as you seriously never know what is around the corner!
xxxx
Such a very strange emotion/sensation to go through. Family telling you you don't understand because you hadn't been there.. etc etc etc... so different for each and every one of us.
These calls make us all question our decision to move to the other side of the world, and its all something we know will happen, but never something we can ever prepare for.
My mum was diagnosed with Breast Cancer within 12 months of our arrival in Australia (thankfully she's a survivor), and my dad was classed as terminally ill within 4 years (sadly not so luckly).
Take what we have, while we have it, and bloody enjoy it is my motto as you seriously never know what is around the corner!
xxxx
The poem is for your dad and everyone else who's lost someone special - they really are around us mate
Apr 19th 2011, 3:06 pm
#52
Banned
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 44
Re: The phone call we all dread
Up at 3am this morning, speaking to my mum who has today been diagnosed with lung cancer and secondary stomach cancer. It's pretty bad and the prognosis is quite poor.
I just wondered if anyone else had been in the same situation? Did you just drop everything and go back to the UK? Obviously we'll be heading back, but we're due to go back in August anyway. We would have a ton of stuff to organise here to pack up our lives, jobs, rented unit, sell car etc.
Just wondered if anyone has had to do the same thing and if there are any pitfalls we haven't accounted for.
Cheers
I just wondered if anyone else had been in the same situation? Did you just drop everything and go back to the UK? Obviously we'll be heading back, but we're due to go back in August anyway. We would have a ton of stuff to organise here to pack up our lives, jobs, rented unit, sell car etc.
Just wondered if anyone has had to do the same thing and if there are any pitfalls we haven't accounted for.
Cheers
I didn't drop everything as such - my manager was very understanding and gave me 3 weeks leave. I handed my keys to our neighbours (I knew them fairly well), switched off the gas - and there I was, on the first plane back...
I don't necessarily think that I would be able to give up my life here, but to be at my father's side whilst in hospital was certainly needed.
Hope you figure things out as to whether you wish to go back to the UK or stay in Oz...
May 17th 2011, 5:33 am
#53
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Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Hervey Bay QLD
Posts: 435
Re: The phone call we all dread
I`m sat here wondering what to do......................
My Dad had a heart attack 3 weeks ago, it was a total shock to everyone. He under went a bypass operation 1 week later. The operation didnt go too well and the day after he was rushed back into theatre as he had a massive bleed.
He then had a stroke and his kidneys stopped working.
That was 2 weeks ago.
Since then his heart is working fine and his kidneys are also working well. But he has one infection after another, and today I have been told that he has a major infection in his lungs.
He has been sedated almost all that time as whenever they bring him round to try and assess the damage from the stroke he gets very upset and tries to take out the traciotomy tube which is breathing for him.
I am getting daily updates from his wife and my sisters but
I just feel so totally useless being so far away.
My daughter and I are booked to fly home for a holiday in 4 weeks time and I am being told there really isnt any point in bringing it forward as Dad isnt awake and isnt aware of anyone being there.
This is a horrible time for my Dad who is a lovely proud man, who I know would not want me to see him in such a bad way in hospital, and I really couldnt bare to see him like that either.
The doctors say it could go either way at the moment so I am being very positive and praying that he will turn a corner very soon and come back to us.
So at the moment its a day by day thing.
Keeping everything crossed for my fantastic Dad.
Angela
My Dad had a heart attack 3 weeks ago, it was a total shock to everyone. He under went a bypass operation 1 week later. The operation didnt go too well and the day after he was rushed back into theatre as he had a massive bleed.
He then had a stroke and his kidneys stopped working.
That was 2 weeks ago.
Since then his heart is working fine and his kidneys are also working well. But he has one infection after another, and today I have been told that he has a major infection in his lungs.
He has been sedated almost all that time as whenever they bring him round to try and assess the damage from the stroke he gets very upset and tries to take out the traciotomy tube which is breathing for him.
I am getting daily updates from his wife and my sisters but
I just feel so totally useless being so far away.
My daughter and I are booked to fly home for a holiday in 4 weeks time and I am being told there really isnt any point in bringing it forward as Dad isnt awake and isnt aware of anyone being there.
This is a horrible time for my Dad who is a lovely proud man, who I know would not want me to see him in such a bad way in hospital, and I really couldnt bare to see him like that either.
The doctors say it could go either way at the moment so I am being very positive and praying that he will turn a corner very soon and come back to us.
So at the moment its a day by day thing.
Keeping everything crossed for my fantastic Dad.
Angela
May 17th 2011, 8:19 am
#54
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 152
Re: The phone call we all dread
My advice would always be get back as soon as you realistically can, if nothing else you'll feel better being back with your family.
May 18th 2011, 9:03 pm
#55
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Joined: Apr 2005
Location: Western burbs, Melbourne
Posts: 2,260
Re: The phone call we all dread
My best friend's mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October. She died in April....his brother lives outside UK was on a flight, and my friend had just left her to drive 2 hours home as ' she seemed bright and happy". She died after her husband had left.
My friend was really upset but it seems to me that his mother wanted to be alone- she had told everyone to leave her as she was OK, but died when everyone cleared off.
Perhaps some people prefer this, so that their loved ones remember them alive and more like their normal selves.
It is only the relatives/offspring who beat themselves up with guilt.
(We also missed the passing of my dear FIL several years ago. He died so unexpectedly- we can now laugh and say he wanted to avoid giving us the dilemna of should we/shouldn't we fly back)
You all have to do what is right for your circumstances and should not feel guilt at missing the final moments. It is the person's life which is so important, not the passing.
My friend was really upset but it seems to me that his mother wanted to be alone- she had told everyone to leave her as she was OK, but died when everyone cleared off.
Perhaps some people prefer this, so that their loved ones remember them alive and more like their normal selves.
It is only the relatives/offspring who beat themselves up with guilt.
(We also missed the passing of my dear FIL several years ago. He died so unexpectedly- we can now laugh and say he wanted to avoid giving us the dilemna of should we/shouldn't we fly back)
You all have to do what is right for your circumstances and should not feel guilt at missing the final moments. It is the person's life which is so important, not the passing.
May 18th 2011, 11:09 pm
#56
Home and Happy
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
Posts: 93,810
Re: The phone call we all dread
My best friend's mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October. She died in April....his brother lives outside UK was on a flight, and my friend had just left her to drive 2 hours home as ' she seemed bright and happy". She died after her husband had left.
My friend was really upset but it seems to me that his mother wanted to be alone- she had told everyone to leave her as she was OK, but died when everyone cleared off.
Perhaps some people prefer this, so that their loved ones remember them alive and more like their normal selves.
It is only the relatives/offspring who beat themselves up with guilt.
(We also missed the passing of my dear FIL several years ago. He died so unexpectedly- we can now laugh and say he wanted to avoid giving us the dilemna of should we/shouldn't we fly back)
You all have to do what is right for your circumstances and should not feel guilt at missing the final moments. It is the person's life which is so important, not the passing.
My friend was really upset but it seems to me that his mother wanted to be alone- she had told everyone to leave her as she was OK, but died when everyone cleared off.
Perhaps some people prefer this, so that their loved ones remember them alive and more like their normal selves.
It is only the relatives/offspring who beat themselves up with guilt.
(We also missed the passing of my dear FIL several years ago. He died so unexpectedly- we can now laugh and say he wanted to avoid giving us the dilemna of should we/shouldn't we fly back)
You all have to do what is right for your circumstances and should not feel guilt at missing the final moments. It is the person's life which is so important, not the passing.
May 19th 2011, 9:18 am
#57
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Joined: Apr 2005
Location: Western burbs, Melbourne
Posts: 2,260
Re: The phone call we all dread
Before my Dad died he was just like your friend's mum - he told my sister not to let me come, and that he wanted me to remember him how he was when we last saw him. He preferred to think that I would come over afterwards to be there for the rest of the family - no way did he want me to see him suffering.
Mar 6th 2012, 11:49 pm
#58
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Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Hervey Bay QLD
Posts: 435
Re: The phone call we all dread
Dad passed away 3 days after we returned to Australia. My daughter and I spent a week by his bedside with him in and out of consciousness, it was horrible to see him like that and it broke my heart to leave, but all said, im glad we went home to see him.
Mar 6th 2012, 11:53 pm
#59
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Joined: Jun 2005
Location: Limerick-Shropshire- Perth.
Posts: 3,215
Re: The phone call we all dread
I am very sorry to hear of your loss.I understand the pain and sadness you are going through.Take comfort that you saw him before his passing.May he rest in peace.Take care and give yourself time to heal and mourn.