Kooky.

I can only second that. When I finally got to my Mum's bedside on 22 April, after she'd been in ICU and the HD ward a week, I was told she would only last a few days, no way would she live.

People all over the world were praying or thinking good thoughts for us. On Friday she went home

Smudger82

I thought I had better give a final update on this, it being Mothers Day in the UK today got me thinking about this thread.

It was diagnosed as terminal cancer in the middle of June, it was actually on my birthday. She told us not to come back etc as she would worry about us not finding work again etc. My wife and I were due to have a second UK wedding (we had already been married in Byron Bay) the first weekend of September, so she knew we were coming back anyway.

So, after packing in two jobs, breaking the lease on a flat and spending a fortune on flights, we finally got sorted to leave at the end of July. We could have maybe gone a fortnight earlier at the earliest, but I didn't want to burn every bridge here work-wise, so I worked out two weeks notice, all the time phoning mum on a regular basis.

At the point we wanted to postpone the wedding, but this wasn't an option as there were 20+ people already booked to fly in from Australia.

We landed on 28th July and the next 6 weeks were easily the worst and most stressful of my life. Planning a wedding is stressful at the best of times, but when your mum is in gods waiting room it is hell on earth.

She had a couple of good weeks, but was hospitalised for a fortnight before getting home a week before our wedding. She had a good week and was even thinking of coming to the wedding right up until the day before where she went downhill, rapidly.

She passed on the night of our wedding, I got the call at 4am from my brother to say he was on his way to get me as she was on her way out, we got to her about 20 seconds too late.

In hindsight, we should have gone back the very second we knew how bad it was and we should have just cancelled the wedding so we could spend time with her instead of sorting out table plans and other pointless crap.

My advice to anyone who ever ends up in this situations: get back as soon as you possibly can.

Kooky.

Smudger, it's all too easy to say "shoulda woulda coulda", please don't beat yourself up. My previous post on this thread wasn't the end of the story either. I came back to the UK in July for my BiL's wedding down south; my Mum had been home about 6 weeks by then, but she died in the wee small hours after the wedding, the day before I was due to drive up north.

I'm in the UK right now - pile of memorial headstone brochures by my side. Will be going down to the cemetery later but that's more for my sister's sake than anyone elses, as she seems to get comfort from it. Me, well I know my Mum is always with me (the old bugger, she's still keeping an eye on me and tutting, I bet!) and she knows I love and miss her.

I'm sure yours does too.

sonlymewalter

Do not stand at my Grave and weep - Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave bereft
I am not there. I have not left.

Kooky.

Lovely. Thank you.

sonlymewalter

xxx

for those of you who have lost someone close - they will always be with you...

itigo

My favourite poem as a teenager. I had good taste. It's exactly how I feel about my Mum now. In her last days she took great comfort from a (Native American I think) verse that said similar things and asked for it to be read at her funeral.

Smudger82

Wow, such similar experiences. Thanks for your words, I had wondered what had happened with you.

We just got back to Oz to re-build our lives. Do you have any plans to return here?

Japonica

Smudger, I'm so sorry. I've been thinking about you and wondering how things were going...don't be too hard on yourself.

We're fairing better...my stepfather's cancer seems to be "stable." The tumors have not grown and although he initially refused treatment, he's looking into surgery. So, things are as good as they can be for the situation. I was there for 5 weeks in Sept-Oct while he was having his tests.

Kooky.

Oh yes, I'm just here on my regular annual visit. Was supposed to come for Christmas but cancelled 2 days beforehand, due to the weather - friends were getting diverted to all sorts of places and I just couldn't go through that again. Had to wait until now because of other commitments and could have done with being at work now, deep in a project, but the trip was planned before that came up and I know that every time I say "see you, Dad" (as I have done this afternoon) it might be the last time, so I decided to put family first.

It's the main downer to this expat life we choose ourselves, folks, but we have to live our own lives and I'm sure our families (or most of them!) understand that.

Drell

I so feel for you and your family. I hope everything works out for the best, whatever happens. xx

scotsista

It's very sad to hear of people's heart wrenching situations.

As someone who is just about to make the big move over to Aus, it really hits home about family & friends and just how far away we'll actually be.

We have opted to take out the Kinsure Policy - it certainly won't buy us time if the inevitable happens but it would hopefully take away alot of the stress of finding flights etc ourselves at very late notice.

My heart goes out to all of you who have been in such difficult circumstances.

moneypenny20

Whilst I understand your pain I would imagine that postponing the wedding would have been the last thing your mother would have wanted. I'd say it was probably the one thing making her hang on and once you'd done it, she felt able to let go.

Don't beat yourself up about her last few months, you were there and were presumably sharing the run up to the wedding with her. I'm sure that made her very happy.

When my dad died, I was just getting up so wasn't there but I'd been there the night before, we weren't expecting him to die that soon but that's another story. My sister was living overseas. Because it was so sudden she didn't get a chance to get back but she's always considered herself the lucky one that she remembered him as Dad, not as a sick, infirm, elderly man stuck in a hospital bed. The mother forced me to go and say goodbye to his body, I didn't want to, I still have that picture in my head and I wish wish wish I didn't.

Enjoy your life and remember you did what was right at the time.

spuddyo

I was reading this thread last week and was sorry to hear about your sad loss. And then last night our phone rang too, I can't believe this is happening.

My father had some problems last year with his kidneys and has been having dialysis 3 times a week since then. He has been having a few other problems lately and went to see the Consultant last week who sent him for a CT scan. The bad news came from my heart-broken mum last night, dad's got cancer in his bladder, liver, one kidney, urethra and one lung. It's too far advanced and spread too far for treatment to be effective, and they have given him between 6 and 12 months.

My big dilemma is whether we should all go to visit right now ( myself, missus and 8 year old daughter ) or whether I go for 2 or 3 quick visits by myself over the next few months. I have asked mum and dad to think about and and let me know what they would like us to do, but it's a hard one.

It's not just about seeing dad, mum will need some support over the next few months and also after dad has passed. It's not about air fare expenses either, annual leave from work is also limited and I only get 3 days leave for bereavement. It's a decision we will have to make as a family, but a hard one. I'm not sure taking an 8 year old accross the world to spend two weeks in that kind of situation is a good thing. My gut feeling is to go alone, but on the other hand should dad get a last chance to see his grand daughter ?

I love living here in Australia, but this is the first time in 17 years I have wished I could be back in the England. The next few months are going to be hard.

moneypenny20

Very sad. Depending on what they say, I'd be tempted to all go for a week if you can so your daughter and wife can see them and then do a quick trip later on your own if that's possible. Could you get your mum out to you afterwards for a few weeks?