Smudger82

Up at 3am this morning, speaking to my mum who has today been diagnosed with lung cancer and secondary stomach cancer. It's pretty bad and the prognosis is quite poor.

I just wondered if anyone else had been in the same situation? Did you just drop everything and go back to the UK? Obviously we'll be heading back, but we're due to go back in August anyway. We would have a ton of stuff to organise here to pack up our lives, jobs, rented unit, sell car etc.

Just wondered if anyone has had to do the same thing and if there are any pitfalls we haven't accounted for.

Cheers

Howefamily

Blimey, I so feel for you.
My mother had cancer and is now ok, my stepmum had an op to remove her cancer yesterday.
I am not sure whats best for you to do, but is coming home for good the only option for you?
Take care and all the best

flanagaj

Fella, I don't want to scaremonger, but my Father died of lung cancer and the majority of those diagnosed do not survive more than one year. He hung on for 18 months, before it got the better of him.

I suggest speaking with her Oncologist to see what he/she has to say as you might want to go back before then.

Sorry if this make grim reading.

Smudger82

Thanks for the replies. We wouldn't be going home for good, just for an extended stay, but we would have to tie up the loose ends here before going.

And as flanagaj says, the prognosis is not good so the sooner we get over there the better.

flanagaj

I also wanted to say that my thoughts are with you. Stay strong.

Smudger82

Thanks mate

Kooky.

Hi Smudger, so sorry to hear your news.

I've been through this very recently. In my case I got the phone call just as a bloody volcano closed Europe and it took me 7 days to get there (I won't tell that story yet again but it's here on BE if you have a spare day to read it). I'm still glad I went and would do it again if necessary. I didn't know what I was going to as all I knew was Mum had been rushed to hospital and had emergency surgery, and all the time I was travelling she was in ICU or the High Dependency ward. When I finally arrived I was told to expect the worst, in a matter of days.

Well that was the middle of April. With travelling, I was away a total of four weeks and I basically put my life on hold. Work knew about it when I was off and looking for flights the morning after the call. I don't have kids so I could really just drop everything, and I have a very understanding employer. However my life is here, my home and husband are here, so I came back because she is making what the doctors call a miraculous recovery, was moved to a less critical-care hospital, she normally lives with my sister and has family around her. I still don't know if she has cancer - when I arrived they said "almost certainly" and when I left they said...well they said nothing, I couldn't get to speak to doctors despite being at the hospital 7 or 8 hours every day, ringing them (from about 5m from their office) and trying to get information out of them.

That's also the worst bit of being far away; I'm still trying to get information. I've emailed the GP's surgery and been told the best time to call, then when I do I'm told he's on lates today, or something else totally unhelpful. (My sister's not very good at talking to people so it's left to me.) But based on past experience it doesn't matter where I am, same problem.

Ok I'm rambling, sorry. Just psyched myself up for a load of answers last night when I rang and then couldn't get them.

In your case you have the prognosis. I would say go now, when your Mum needs you most - and when you need to see her, I'm sure - but go with a return ticket and suss out the situation, probable timescales (nothing is certain where the Big C is concerned), talk to your Mum about it. Would she want you to drop everything? Do you have kids to think about? Can you just put your life on hold for an uncertain amount of time?

It has to be a personal decision. Wishing you the very best in making it.

DadAgain

I first got the call that my dad had cancer back in 2001. Within a week he was in hospital and had a kidney removed. I thought hard about dropping everything and flying back - but resisted and opted for a well timed holiday a couple of months or so later.

He recovered and was given the all clear so life continued wihtout incident for a while.

Then in one of his now routine follow scans in about 2004 he was diagnosed with lung cancer. He was advised that it wouldnt have been picked up if it wasnt for his cancer history and regular scanning regime - so not to panic too much as it was still asymptomatic. Once again I wondered about when would be the time to come back for a visit... was it more iminent that I thought? ... I resisisted the temptation to run home.

Over 6 years later now and Dad is still going strong.. we've holidayed over there a couple of times and he's holidayed over here a couple of times. (and in that time my sister has been diagnosed and succesfully treated for cervical cancer twice... 2nd time having been given a 30% chance of success and seeing out the year ) The lung cancer is still there and still growing - but slowly. Doctors have suggested that the growth rate is so slow its unlikley to be his cause of death since old age will kick in before the cancer is significant.

Just remember all cancers are not equal - and one anecdotal story of someone dropping dead 3 weeks after their first diagnosis does not mean your family are in for the same experience. Cancer treatments are improving all the time, slow cancers are not necessarily death sentences any more.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Make sure you're as informed as you can be before committing to any drastic action.

Sally Simpson

Great advice!

Very sorry for your situation. Best wishes.

Ozzidoc

Sorry to hear about year mum. Pls get home sooner rather than later. I have seen personally and professionally too many people die within 3-4 weeks' of a primary lung cancer diagnosis. This may not be the case with your mum, but no-one knows. Best wishes.

Ozzidoc

PS Ca lung is nothing like Ca renal. (Am simultaneously on blackberry + breastfeeding, and am rubbish at quoting etc)

Cheetah7

It depends if she has the aggressive kind of cancer or not but to echo Ozzidocs advice, I would be making plans to go home now.

I am going to be completely honest here, people can deteriorate rapidly with cancer, my own Mum had lung cancer and secondary liver and she had just 6 weeks after diagnosis and one minute she was positive saying 'Ill fight it' and then it took hold quickly.

I can appreciate what people mean by not acting in haste but being realistic, you do need to act quite fast.

Because you live so far away, you cant count on the 'only 24 hours away' scenario. You are at the mercy of your finances, the airlines, and time which you cannot control.

Make the plans now so you can be with your Mum sooner rather than later, so you can see her in her current state of health not a rapidly deteriorating one.

The time you spend with her now cannot be bought, cannot be replaced and for the sake of moving back a bit earlier, the answer is to go back now.

I am sorry if that sounds negative but you dont want to be in a position of where you cant get back due to circumstances being out of your control.

Thinking of you and your family at this time

Smudger82

Thanks for the messages folks - she has an appointment with a specialist early next week, she'll find out how aggressive/what stage it's at then. In the meantime we are preparing to just leave at the drop of a hat.

Kapri

It's an awful situation to be in. My dad died of cancer and he deteriorated very rapidly at the end. However, as others have said, treatments are improving and people do recover.

I hope your Mum is ok.

Jan4kids

I missed my Mum by 10 hours after dropping everything as best I could with Hubbies Job, my Job and four kids to consider. She died whilst I was flying to her.

She honestly didn't mind...but I did. I was holding my Dads hand when he died and should have been there for her too.......

My main fear was getting there 'too early' and having to return before she passed....well I couldn't have to be honest, and then jobs will have been lost and our lives would be in turmoil here.

Get there as soon as you can.

My thoughts are with you x