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Partner wants to move but I don't

Partner wants to move but I don't

Old Sep 28th 2011, 6:37 pm
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Default Partner wants to move but I don't

Hiya

I'm looking for some advice from people that have been through a similar situation please.

My partner has an obsession with Australia and has done since he was a child. He is intent on moving there one day and this has never been kept a secret from me.

We have been together a number of years and I have alwasy gone along with the 'one day'. I have been on holiday to Perth (which is where he would like to move) and I did like it there. I had a great holiday and would happily visit again...on HOLIDAY.

The problem lies here...a lot has changed over the years...we have bought a house and have 2 children for a start. I am very close to my family (whereas he isnt necessary close to his), my mum is our child carer so that we can both work full time. My dad died a few years ago and caring for our children is something that keeps mum busy.

I am happy with the life we have together as a family. We are settled.

My OH has visions of Australia being the perfect country that will provide the perfect life for our family. This is all well and good bbut I am unable to see HOW our lives will be so drastically different.

If we had won the lottery I would say fine go ahead and give it a go...he has started the process of applying for visas and it just appears its extortianate cost after extortianate cost...for pieces of paper. now the goalposts have changed and there are more costs involeved. Dont get me wrong, I know its going to be expensive, but I do resent spending £300odd for someone to sign a bit of paper to say my teaching degree is suitable for use over there!! Now hes ffound out that my skills are on some list that means we could get the visas in a year!!! Im not ready to move in the next 5 years let alone a year and on my own back.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 6:38 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

You need to tell him how you really feel. Now.
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 6:40 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

I have tried but it always ends in tears.
The attitude is no matter what we do one of us will be miserable
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 7:07 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

If you've discussed this at length and you're 100% sure you don't want to move to Aus then don't do it. Sounds like it's a train crash waiting to happen if you do mate
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 7:16 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

What Im hating about this whole thing is there was once a time where I was happy with the idea.

I have known how hes felt for 14 years...who am I to stand in the way of his dream?

I have given him the option of going on his own for a while which he refuses to do because of us.

I am also very worried about the cost of everything...we are not well off...we do ok on what we bring in but we are lucky as we dont pay childcare...this would obviously change if we were to move.

my head hurts and I desperately want to do the right thing but am not convinced moving across the world is that.
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 7:25 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

Originally Posted by foxltd
What Im hating about this whole thing is there was once a time where I was happy with the idea.

I have known how hes felt for 14 years...who am I to stand in the way of his dream?

I have given him the option of going on his own for a while which he refuses to do because of us.

I am also very worried about the cost of everything...we are not well off...we do ok on what we bring in but we are lucky as we dont pay childcare...this would obviously change if we were to move.

my head hurts and I desperately want to do the right thing but am not convinced moving across the world is that.
Don't let money be the deciding factor. Whilst it's important it's not the most important thing as lots of people have made a good go of it here after landing with little more than a few months rent and a few suitcases.

Is there no chance of you trying the move and making a pact that if either of you doesn't settle you move back? Or are you really dead set against it?

Good luck with whatever you decide
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 7:29 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

Im really not sure what I want anymore. If it were just the two of us I would not care so much about the money, but with 2 children I dont want to turn up on Australias doorstep so to speak with no money, no job, and no home.
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 7:30 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

If you don't want to move don't move.

You need to stop this visa process.

Your OH is going to have to sacrifice his dream for his family. I always think when there is a couple that is split like you are, that the one that wants to move has to give way. It will be much easier for him to stay living the life he has always lived than for you to be moved to the other side of the world against your will. It sounds like there is far more to this than just money.

Even those of us that are happy in Australia (like me) do not generally buy into the Australia is utopia and living the dream stuff.
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 7:44 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

Originally Posted by Bermudashorts

Your OH is going to have to sacrifice his dream for his family. I always think when there is a couple that is split like you are, that the one that wants to move has to give way. It will be much easier for him to stay living the life he has always lived than for you to be moved to the other side of the world against your will. It sounds like there is far more to this than just money.

Even those of us that are happy in Australia (like me) do not generally buy into the Australia is utopia and living the dream stuff.
This is how I feel, however, on the other hand I feel so guilty because he has NEVER kept his feelings a secret, whereas I have never forced the issue that it really isnt NOW something I want to do.

His ideas of the 'utopia' you talk about are so idealistic. the outdoor life the sports, the weather....most of which are already on our doorstep and unused.
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 7:58 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

Originally Posted by foxltd
This is how I feel, however, on the other hand I feel so guilty because he has NEVER kept his feelings a secret, whereas I have never forced the issue that it really isnt NOW something I want to do.

His ideas of the 'utopia' you talk about are so idealistic. the outdoor life the sports, the weather....most of which are already on our doorstep and unused.
Well you probably should have told him and you probably should not have agreed to start the visa process, but it is done now, none of us is perfect. You said you have tried to tell him but it ends up in a row so you have tried.

Maybe you haven't done everything right, but moving to the other side of the world out of guilt is a recipe for disaster.
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 8:21 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

If you are a teacher have you looked into a commnwealth exchange programme (lect i think) not sure if it still exists but i was accepted a few years back. Its a great year experience - you swap jobs houses and cars with an australian teacher, but at the end of the day you come back at the end of the year!
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 8:23 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

sound words from Bermudashorts.

Life aint perfect and you need to stop feeling guilty that he wants to go and you don't. If you move to the other side of the world and go through the hell they call migration, you BOTH need to be 100% otherwise it's likely to end in divorce anyway.

This does happen to loads of people. Moving is sometimes believed to be the excitement injection a marriage needs when in reality it's the opposite
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 8:56 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

Our situation was a bit similar to yours as in hubby was the one who wanted the move. I refused to move without having been over on holiday first, and we came, we saw and I hated it! I was very very homesick and that was a month trip! Off we went back home, having seen Perth for 3 weeks and the Gold Coast for 1, and I was adamant we weren't coming back.

6 months of thinking and I reconsidered. I thought about how I would feel if our roles were reversed and I was the one wanting to move and hubby didn't, and I knew I'd be annoyed and would possibly even resent him for not going for it. I didn't want him to resent me, and I didn't want to deny him the opportunity either. With that in mind I agreed to come and try it for 2 years, the kids were 10, 8 and 2. It was to be a life experience for us all.

3 1/2 years later we're still here and love it! No homesickness and not once regretted it nor had the desire to move back!

I know that everyone and their situation is different, and I was the same as you, I didn't want to give up the nice life that we had, but certainly for us it is even better here. It's been very hard, it still is, but we're slowly getting there which is good.

Would you consider it even for 2 years? Would your mum come with you?

I'm not saying that what we did is what you should do, but it may be an option. It's extremely overwhelming initially to think about coming here, and I found it easier to deal with when it was only for 2 years.

Good luck with whatever you decide

Ellie
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 8:58 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

Originally Posted by foxltd
Hiya

I'm looking for some advice from people that have been through a similar situation please.

My partner has an obsession with Australia and has done since he was a child. He is intent on moving there one day and this has never been kept a secret from me.

We have been together a number of years and I have alwasy gone along with the 'one day'. I have been on holiday to Perth (which is where he would like to move) and I did like it there. I had a great holiday and would happily visit again...on HOLIDAY.

The problem lies here...a lot has changed over the years...we have bought a house and have 2 children for a start. I am very close to my family (whereas he isnt necessary close to his), my mum is our child carer so that we can both work full time. My dad died a few years ago and caring for our children is something that keeps mum busy.

I am happy with the life we have together as a family. We are settled.

My OH has visions of Australia being the perfect country that will provide the perfect life for our family. This is all well and good bbut I am unable to see HOW our lives will be so drastically different.

If we had won the lottery I would say fine go ahead and give it a go...he has started the process of applying for visas and it just appears its extortianate cost after extortianate cost...for pieces of paper. now the goalposts have changed and there are more costs involeved. Dont get me wrong, I know its going to be expensive, but I do resent spending £300odd for someone to sign a bit of paper to say my teaching degree is suitable for use over there!! Now hes ffound out that my skills are on some list that means we could get the visas in a year!!! Im not ready to move in the next 5 years let alone a year and on my own back.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Gosh, you could be me five years ago. I don't know if it helps, but I'm going to share my experience with you.

So, first of all, my husband's family are in Australia and he'd never kept it a secret that he wanted to join them. I was okay with it at first, and then my Dad got ill with cancer (though recovered) and I felt unable to go along with 'the plan'. A year or so later, I felt a bit like you do - let's just go for it, why not. The same argument about it never being perfect and us always being torn by having family on different sides of the planet seemed to sway it. However, when we moved out there, it turned out 'the plan' was all about getting there and not about what we'd do once there. We spent our time living in a tiny one bedroom, 2 room 'house' in his parents' backyard (think the size of a garage) - with two small children... and he just couldn't get a job (and for various reasons, I wasn't in a position to look at the time). I absolutely hated it. We rowed all the time. It nearly pushed us over the edge. Individually. As a couple. It was just awful. I've never felt so lost or suffocated in my life.

In the end, we moved back to the UK. Again, he couldn't get a job so after a couple of months (and by this point I was almost finished studying the two Masters degrees I was working towards so could start applying) I looked for work. Within a month, I'd got a job which paid pretty well and would mean we'd be okay. But for the next 2 years he HATED being in the UK. Everything was wrong. It was too cold. It was miserable. Where we ended up living was a sh*t hole etc etc. It was very very hard. For the first year being back in the UK we were so angry with one another that it was hard to imagine everything would ever be okay again.

In the end, we bought a house and gradually, slowly, he settled. Since coming back, my Dad passed away - and it felt like fate that we'd returned so I could spend that extra bit of time with him. But for my husband, the Australia itch didn't really go. Each Winter was greeted with complaints about the weather. He would have *that* look on his face that said it wasn't really gone. So, deciding that if we were to do it again, we'd do it properly, we decided that we could only return if we had a job. He applied for jobs - but didn't get anything. I applied for a couple, got interviews for both - and have just (in the last two days) got an offer where they'll pay for relocation etc etc.

Is he delighted?

No. Suddenly, he doesn't want to go back.

He is completely baffled by his feelings. He says that the dream is like a balloon he was holding onto so tightly for so long... and suddenly it slipped through his fingers and all the things he felt about it... have gone.

Gosh, that was longer than I imagined!

I think what I'm saying is make sure you're both sure. If you aren't then it could be harder than you ever imagine. If you're not together in this it could tear you apart as a family. It nearly did us. Five years after we got our PR, we're only just about properly okay again as a couple. Going to Australia on holiday is not the same as going there for good. Make sure your plans extend beyond just getting there.

Yes, life is an adventure and you only get one go at it etc... but make sure that it's an adventure you share if you're doing this together. One person's adventure can quickly turn into the other person's nightmare.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Sarah
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Old Sep 28th 2011, 10:32 pm
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Default Re: Partner wants to move but I don't

Moving to a new country throws you together as a couple, it is hard enough when you both want the "dream" but when you don't things can go down hill quickly. If you get the chance to just give it a go for a year without selling up etc I would, the dream can soon become a nightmare if things don't go the way you plan, good luck with your decision. While I don't regret moving over here it is certainly not a bed of roses and has been really hard sometimes.
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