yvsie

Hi all,

Just thought I would share something with you guys. Not trying to scare monger anyone but would encourage and views ideas etc.....


I love my mother dearly ofcourse as most/ all of us do...
I was a hard woman some of my friends said in Uk when I left to come here.........because...
We had just endured a very difficult year..My brother had died very suddenly just after we had applied...2 yrs ago almost to the day as I write actually. My mother was his official next of kin so had all the sorting of selling his house etc to do(which she had only just done when we left). She had also moved house too...........talk about stress ..poor thing!
We then came here.
Never once did she say oh dont go or try to discourage us. She knew that this was our last chance of coming due to our ages and also that this was the 3rd time looking at coming(I had chickened out twice before )

So I suppose compared to some at least she made it easy for us in that way...no guilt trips etc.
.......BUT........
She is now soooooooooooooooo low and feels unloved/ unwanted/ un needed...no sense of purpose in her life anymore,(to use her words).....very weepy on the phone etc etc...My heart breaks to hear it!..although it isnt every time I have to say.
She lives with my younger 1/2 brother who is 28!..who is unable to come here due to no required skill and also not last remaining rellie(his dad still alive). My mum would definitely come but doesnt want to leave him. He cant afford to move out of the house(crap wage).
She has already visited us in Feb for 3 weeks with my brother and is coming for 3 months in 5 weeks and leaving him at home. She has even had to put the bleeding cat into cattery while she is here because "he wont remember to feed her..or might stay out at his mates"

I think what I am trying to say is that even though we feel more settled as a family it seems to be getting harder for my mum the longer we are away!....After all she has lost her eldest son and then her daughter and only grandkids within a year.

Has anyone else experienced this and has anyone got any fab ideas of how to cope/ deal/ etc with this situation.....??????????

Modena

Hi
You poor thing! I do know exactly what you are going through. I have been in Oz 8 years and my Mum has never really coped with me being so far away. She got ill with stress when I first left but this year is the worst. My Dad died in February and Mum is just so low and lonely. She too gets weepy on the phone and just wants to be near me.
It is a very very difficult position to be in - we are a long way from home and you feel as though your hands are completely tied. Mum is also coming out here for a long stay - 4 months (or thereabouts) in November. But already, before she has arrived she is getting upset about the prospect of having to go home again. It is the separation that is just too hard.
All I can suggest is enjoy the moment - when your Mum comes just try and enjoy every experience and don't dwell too much on the situation. It will not be easy living together for such a long time - the last time my parents came together for 4 months and it got quite difficult after about 6 weeks of living together. Especially hard for partners! But you know that's life. Don't feel guilty about it - just be sure to give each other some space to do your own thing.

My Mum has started having councelling - now that Dad has died she feels very alone and 'not part of a family'. Perhaps this is a possibility for your Mum?

Unfortunately emmigration does separate families but Australia is such a great place and your kids will benefit greatly in the long term with a much higher standard of living than they would have got in UK.

I'm sorry I don't have any real answers or solutions for you - I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I know how you feel.
Chin up!
Take care
Sam

yvsie

Thanks for that Sam.....
She has started to go out more than she did before with friends, art class and line dancing is the next thing she is going to try.
My mum too has said that she knows she wont want to go back home..just like your mum....

It is difficult and I suppose some people never get used to you being away!


on the plus side of being here though...
we have just bought a boat and been out in it for the first time and had 4 dolphins swimming along side us playing around for approx 20 mins....now thats one of the reasons that Im here!! ...

yvsie

I cant believe that 119 people can view this thread and not make any comment !!!!!...apart from one!

just because its a serious thread it gets no response...
anyone that puts drivel on here gets lots of hits and replies...

oh well thanks for the support...not!

wont bother you lot with anything else!

ptlabs

Yvsie

I have no hairbrain ideas for you, and since I am in a 'privileged' situation where I do not have such close relationships with my parents, I can only try to imagine how bad it must be for you.

We play multiple roles in our lives. Some of us are kids to our parents, the partner to our spouse, parent to our kid(s). But one of the usually overlooked but equally overused role is the fact that we have to live our lives for ourselves too.

Sometimes parents go on and on about how sad they are to see their kids leave. But they have to realize that kids have to move on, and that just like kids have to learn to be independent, parents have to learn to do so too.

Just my 2 cents.

Peter

scoobydoo

Yvsie.....I read your thread and felt for you but I did not respond as I could not think of anything useful to say.

Your Mum sounds like she is a strong lady even though she is now feeling low....she ,from what you said, knew that you had to follow your dream of coming out here. All you can really do is support her as much as you can from this side, and encourage her to get on with her line dancing etc.

We have a very low Grandpa to deal with in the UK who tends to excell in the guilt trip stuff.(even before we said we were coming out here!) We ring him as much as we can and just listen to him...I'm sure that helps him...The regular contact is so important to him.

I know that won't help you too much but hope you find a way of dealing with it all.

JAJ

Hi Yvsie

You've looked at the parent migration option, and that's a non-starter for now. So holidays in Australia are the fall-back.

One thing I would suggest is that you take out Australian citizenship as soon as you're eligible. If you subsequently find that returning to the UK is the right decision from a family point of view, at least you'll then have the assurance that you and your children can get back to Australia later on if/when circumstances have changed.

Jeremy

mlbonner

Well I'm sorry that you feel like that, (unfortunately) this forum is a very busy posting one, and threads often get lost on the next page.... I didn't see this until now as I happened to be online when it was replied to by ptlabs. So please don't take offence if people havent replied, perhaps a majority of people who read this had no first hand experience or the memories were to painful for themselves. Also, be aware, this is a subject that comes up a LOT, so for others (including myself) perhaps we just feel we've said our bit numerous times before and its time to let someone else have their say. Its not because we dont care and feel for your situation though.

I've left my parents and brother behind, every day I feel guilty and I dread the day I get a 2am phonecall to say that something has gone wrong. IMO you do just need to try and live on the positive side of things though, take each day as it comes and enjoy the time that your mother is with you.
My mum told me before I left that the flight was too long for her (shes done it once before) and so she probably wouldn't be coming to visit me.
I can't give you a 'good' way to deal with it, I think its down to the individual, but hopefully things will settle for you all a bit and you'll feel that both you and your mum can be happy where you are.

All the best

yvsie

well now isnt that amazing...several comments very quickly.....

thanks for the comments....much appreciated......

yeah we are going to get citizenship jaj....no plans on going back to the uk in forseeable future.

mlbonner...I know this is a busy forum and probably this has been thrashed to death...I have been on here long enough to see the same threads come and go and often think...oh here we go again.....so yeah..point taken

ptlabs.....I agree with you..its as though ive only just left home....I suppose because I always lived very close to her for so long ...


anyway..off to go in boat again to try to see those beautiful dolphins once again...

ZimBabe

I read your thread but didn't initially respond as I am just looking into moving to Perth. I am 28 with a sister of 30 and then my mum. My sister is always busy with her little family and my mum does get lonely even with both of us nearby.

My mum knows my plans and is encouraging me all the way! although I feel terrible leaving her behind. Someone else recommended I read the skills booklet number 6 from the DIMEA (Or however it's spelt!) when I posted a thread about points assessment, anyhooow I am getting off course, I came across the General section on page 51/52 about dependants.
It seems that you can sponsor/bring over an elderley parent who is or has been dependant on you for food, clothing, financial aid or due to a disability they may have etc etc (You may need to check the criteria). I know you said she would be reluctant to leave your brother behind, but after your mum has moved there you could then sponsor your brother as the last remaining immediate family member or something like that.

I only read the booklet twice and I am still confused, but at least you may have something to go on. It may take some time, but it could be possible.

I hope this has helped and if I am wrong I am sorry, but am sure someone will come up with an answer.

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Pollyana

Oops, guilty as charged, Yvsie, I read the thread late last night, but didn't dare start answering it as thinking "family thoughts" late at night isn't good for me. Having said that, I haven't really got any solutions for you, and I guess I didn't answer sooner partly cos I've got no cheery answer for you.

My mum says she will come out and visit - the one that worries me is my dad; he will never come over - couldn't face the flight, besides the fact I don't think his health is good enough. He had to have some tests the other week, and I was worried sick, imagining that late night phone call. He keeps saying he doesnt think he'll ever see me again, which is heartbreaking, even though we've never been that close a family.
I find it hard when The Bloke talks about his family, and not seeing them for a couple of weeks, and stuff like that. I just want to shout "Oi, remember me!" Christmas was horrible last year cos they all kept talking about how good it was to be together. Even the day we got married, I phoned the family back in England to share the day with them, and got some filthy looks from some of my new relatives, because I was spending a few minutes hiding indoors on the phone.
I also find that I phone home far less often than I should because I don't want to betray any feelings of homesickness, or get choked up about missing anyone. We all send each other text messages, which I write in a book, and some of them are really sweet - things the kids have said for example - but I know I get tears in my eyes reading them, and if I was on the phone I might break down altogether.

I guess its just a price we have to pay for improving some things in life. They say you can't have everything, after all.
Wish I ahd an answer for you, but I'm afraid the best I can come up with is to take comfort from the fact that you're not alone in your feelings.

Enjoy the dolphins, by the way!

yvsie

thanks peeps....glad you are all thinking about me...i need a bit of reassuring about things now and then..like we all do!

yeah the boat polly....
oh how cool......

3 dolphins today swimming beside us....

i told my mum about then last night.....she was a bit brighter i have to say...

"you wont get me in deep water ive told you" she said

...right then i will sedate you with alcohol or valuim or sommet then cos u just have to see them theyre beautiful!...

so we'll see!..i will let you all know if i get her in the boat when she gets here..5 weeks today!

i feel for you too polly.....at least we are both in the same boat my hubby and me re rellies...none here at all......must be harder when its one sided...especially when you dont know them that well as with last xmas...

hows the booze anyway...did you spend owt on your new shiney visa?

Pollyana

$50 worth of loooovely UK beer, which will keep me going for a while, and some ginger wine stuff that The Bloke likes (as a bribe!)

moneypenny20

Sorry can't help.

Have no relationship as such with my mother. She lives ten minutes drive away. She only phones when she wants something. She has never encouraged us (me, older brother, older sister) to do anything. Has never had any faith in our abilities. She is the most negative person I know although she thinks she is positive.

My sister lived abroad for 20 years, my mother visited her a lot but always came back running down her life. She says she doesn't trust my brother - have no idea why - very nice family man. My dad died 13 years ago and she has not had a good word to say about him since - or any man come to that - except my hubby whom I am now taking away from her!!! I am being selfish wanting a new life for my family.

I would dread her coming to stay for one month, let alone five.

Sorry rant over, but can't help feeling from my perspective, it would be nice to have a mother whom I would miss.

yvsie

sounds a bit similar to my mum actually...
she has favoured my brothers in the past(my opinion only which im sure she would stronly deny if i challenged her)
but i was the one she came to for help if she needed it cos other than scrounge off her they were never there for her...

families eh!