rob-e

Hi all,

It's suddenly become time where the visa is here, and I need to start the 'final chapter'; god tho, the stress and personal battles just seem to be getting more frequent now though.

My brief story is: im 28, my brother has lived and worked in Sydney for the last 10 years, loves it, and is now a citizen. My mum also has her visa and a place there, so spends most of the year there too, coming back to see me for 3 months a year. I've stuck around here for the last few years, last one of us left. I've been using the time to build my career basically. Anyway, it got to a point in early 2007, where I just thought "why am I here??", so I set the ball rolling, and put out the feelers to join my family. I was originally part way down the permanent residency route, when I met someone, and put the whole thing on hold. At the time, they were going to come out with me, and start a new adventure. Anyway, that didn't work out a few months back, things changed, they moved on, I didn't

So I renewed my interest in going to Aus, and after attending the Aus Expo in London in Spring, walked away with two offers of interest. One turned out to sound really good, my dream job in my field really, lots more money, and what great luck, it was in central Sydney, so I will have the support of my family. Anyway, last week, the sponsorship visa finally came through, and I guess now it hits me; I NEED TO GET MOVING!

But I feel like I'm ping-ponging, more and more frequently. Its not that I don't want to go, its that I'm afraid, I guess, its a big thing to do alone when just 6 months ago, I was going to have someone special to do it with. Don't know why im so nervous, I will be getting $95k TRP, relocation, friends' parents have offered a house-sit in Stanmore for a year or two while they're in Spain, and I'll be close to the only family I have. I don't have much here to stay for; nice car, big TV, lot's of junk belongings and memories, and that's it . I rent here, and it seems totally the wrong time to stay and buy a house, etc, and I don't like my job. So looking two years in the future, I imagine I'll be much more secure in many ways by going, otherwise I'd just be doing the same here. But there has been two or three times in the last 6 months where I've nearly called the whole thing off, basically to stay for someone who doesn't want me (certainly now; she just got engaged!), and because there are a lot of big hurdles to jump when going. I think sometimes I just might lack the courage that other seem to have making this move.

I'm not the type of person with rosy glasses on, I expect most things will be the same as here, life won't magically turn around, but at least there is a reason to try and start anew. I've moved many times with my job, so at the start, it was just that, moving for work. In the end though, if I weighed up what I could achieve here in 2 years, vs. there, it would heavily be in the favour of going for it! My brother came back to London few months back for the first time, couldn't stand it, wanted to get back, and I feel the same every time I come home from visiting.

Am i just being stupid with these feelings, or is it something a lot of people face? What the heck am I holding on to, when all this is laid out in front of me? And most importantly, where the heck do I start with making a plan to get all the jobs that need doing done in the next 6 weeks!

thoughts appreciated,

Rob

Janna and Nick

Hi Rob,

I just wanted to say great post. It must be very hard to lay your feelings bare like that.

This is probably one of the hardest things you'll do. It's not quite like moving just down the road or to the next town. Thousands of miles and a few different timezones!

It sounds like to me like your scared. And that is totally normal. Holding onto things we know and are familiar with (even though they may suck!).

I was in a relationship with someone for two years that was very destructive. It was one sided ie. he was using me. It felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall and no matter how badly it hurt or horrible he made me feel, I just couldn't kick it. It was almost like I was addicted. I consider myself a very confident likeable person who does not have self esteem issues, but for some reason, I kept asking to be treated like dirt by this one particular guy. Eventually I was strong enough to say to myself once and for all that enough was enough. I see him occasionally now and my memory wonders but only to think how could I have put myself into that situation?

I am now married with a beautiful daughter to a fantastic husband. I met him shortly after my decision to walk away from the other guy and I have never looked back.

Life is about enjoying yourself and having a laugh with people you love and who love you back. Don't waste your precious minutes wondering about someone who thinks so little of you that is now engaged to someone else so shortly after being with you. Love is never easy and the heart does seem to rule over the head when it comes to things like this. Your head knows exactly what to do but it's the heart that keeps us hanging on.

You have a fantastic opportunity to make a fantastic life for yourself and that special person who comes along.

Believe me when I say that you won't really appreciate that special person unless you had all the sh*t. Until my husband, I didn't realise that relationships didn't have to be such a game or hard work. Of course you have to work at it but there shouldn't be this unsettling feeling that comes with so many relationships. I knew Nick would be my husband when I met him. I knew he worshipped the ground I walk on. And for once it felt really good to have that.

I truly believe you have to ask yourself whether this would matter to you in 2 years time, and honestly, I don't think it would. Love's come and go, fact of life. It's what we learn from them that counts.

One thing is for certain you will not get over this until you are ready to. I tried several times to end the 2 year rubbish relationship in the 2nd year and was never successful until I was totally ready to do so.

Things will get easier and I can think of nothing better than having my family around me in a time like this. You should all stick together.

Think about the 2 years from now...... 2 likely scenarios:
1. You move and everything works out okay. Good job, nice house and your family.
2. You stay, keep pining for someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you and probably will not come back to you (based on her being engaged now), you're still miserable and not 100% happy and to top it off, no family to support you.

You could approach it as a fresh start even. The distance will make things better. You will slowly forget what it was like to be with her. You will have new experiences which she is not apart of and never was.

I spent a lot of time thinking "x and I did that" or "X would have liked that" or "what's he doing now". Things that drive you crazy!

I know it's not easy, but in my opinion you are well out of it and would be crazy not to go for this fantastic opportunity. I would have swapped shoes with you anyday during my 2 years of hell.

I hope this helps even if it is to know that you are not the only one who's felt like this. I also hope that you forget about her and do what is best for you. You only live once and the last thing you want are regrets.

As for where to start, make a list of all the things that need doing, ie. movers, rental agreements, bank accounts, work, utilities, mobile phones, plane tickets, and so on and then decide what needs to be done about them and by when, ie cancelled, notified of your move etc. Decide what needs your urgent attention, ie handing in rental notice etc and go from there. Enjoy the process, think of it as an adventure!

Be thankful you haven't got a house to sell... we do and are pondering about the current credit situation at the moment.....

Give yourself a pep talk (positive one). I find that helps and then get on with the tasks in hand. Keep yourself busy and I think you will find that the hurt and pain slip away slowly until you feel whole again.

Good luck Rob, I do hope it all works out for you!

kazza1

I don't have the same relationship issues as you but we got our visa last week and I think I have cried everyday since!! I have a massive to do list and planning to go in just over 5 weeks and am so stressed out, I am almost thinking about not going at all. I guess we waited so long to actually go and now its here I am completely terrified of leaving my house, job and family!!

I think its worth a try, go out there and see what happens and if you don't like it then you can always come back and haven't lost anything apart from money!

Good Luck and I hope you meet you meet a lovely Aussie girl that treats you how you deserve to be treated!

xx

Dave TH

Rob
I think the answer , particulalry after Jenna's nicely written piece is starring you in the face. Likewise i have harboured an ambition to move to Aus since holidaying there a couple of years ago.

i had a job with a business a team of a few of us grew from 200-2000+ staff in a few short years ,I had an emergency op last summer , during my time off a new boss to took over who when i came back to work put me under so much pressure it was obvious for whatever reason he wanted me out. to be kicked out from something i loved so much devastated me and took a good few months to get over. Once I started to get myslef into the employment market and was flippantly asked by a recruiter one day that they had opps right up my street but in sydney would you be interested it felt like fate. I went through a 5 stage interveiw process , which dragged out over two months during this time the ambition became something of an obession. unfortunately at the 5th and final stage I got blown out. confidence underminned gutted again, picked myself back up got out into the market again and finally had 5 offers to choose from , accepted one but meanwhile used whatever excuse i could to keep the channels open with the aus company apparently to no avail , i sent out the message that i accepted the job i had accepted purely to acquire the elements of the experience that cost me not getting the job i went for with the aus company. I emailed the guy who sponsored and recommended me for the first job asking his opinion on other companies I wanted to approach. This guy usually responded very quickly, this email though he blanked hmmmmm

On the list of companies i had sent him were 3 specialist recruiters, I dropped each of the 3 an email asking of they came across any opps that like the one i had gone for that might include sponsorship and reloacation. simultaeneously each of 3 responded with yeah right that happens regularly so i looked into could i qualify for a skilled visa - no. so whilst i still had the ambition it looked like a dead end.

funny how karma works , against the better of judgement of many , i got a call from an old client from my previous employer, wanting to place some business my way,despite my feelings at how i'd been treated I gave the lead back to the one of guys involved in ousting me.

i get a call from him to reciprocate the favour to say that that (they knew I tried for the aus job and failed) an australian recruiter had been calling their office looking for me. one of three who had said yeah right.

he had an opportunity right up my street, I replied no i am not interested theres only one aus company i want to join and i have accepted a new job and need to focus on that. he asked who would that one company would be , i told him , why only them , i explained , he said well good cos its the same company. my cv went back into a new point of contact in that same company i did another (the 6th) silly oclock in the morning teleconference with this new contact and obviously in this session we spoke about my previous attempt with them. he went back to guy who had sponsored me first time round through interviews 1,2,3,4. guess what ...the guy who said no to me at stage 5 has now left the business and my sponsor is now the boss.

did a 2nd interview and they had offered me the job and the package, scary bit being they want me there in 8 weeks. so why have i droned on. ive chased this long and hard , ive coached my darling two year old daughter over the last 5 months i wish i wish to go to australia, taught her all their animals, had an aus clock on the desktop , the harbour bridge as my screen saver etc etc now its been put on a plate shoved under my nose and told to eat it quickly i am sh**ing it ARGHHHH what am i supposed to do with house , will I earn as i was? if i sell my house ( i only bought it in oct) i will loose £50k , if i have to be there in 8 weeks even loosing £50k i prob wont sell for months , how do i finanace my settling in expenses and my uk mortgage , how do i do this how do do that but you know what , as the process that finally got me the job shows fortune favours the brave and we are having it !

seems we been through similar emotions but deep down know what we should do , going to the same place in similar timescales we should KIT and share the experience I am happily married thankfully so of no interest to me what so ever but mate, if you need a nudge , virtually tropical climate and i am sure the 000's of tanned bikkine'd girls on bondi beach at xmas and nye will help you get over the previous !

go for it and good luck !

rob-e

Thanks for the replies, they've been really helpful, and thanks for taking the time. When I think about it, maybe I've got the usual feelings people have when they emigrate, but in reverse ; all my family are on the other side of the world, sure the people are nice here, but my home isn't here. I have a lot to be thankful for that I have the chance to try something like this.

I'll be giving it my best shot, both before and after the move; past is set, but the future is what we make it eh. I've been on a 'tip and ebay' day today, just starting clearing out has helped, making a start, which helps set the tone and get me focussed that this is under way.

Janna - That was a great honest reply, more true than you know. I know in my head that truthfully, the relationship probably wouldn't have lasted anyway, either if I stayed for them, or they came with me; we had a great time once, but we're two very different people and our lives started to go different ways. But sometimes in the heart, it tells us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. I'm usually fine with breakups, I think it's the double-whammy with emigration at the same time, and the whole lot's getting inter-mingled in my head and a personification of me feeling the need to hold on to something at this time I hope it works out for you and your family too. I really appreciate what you wrote.

Kazza - I think we feel pretty much the same then! It's all a big build up, life goes on, but then when the date is set, its daunting, esp. when its all so 'final'. I hope . I guess the upside is that after all this, if you can make it through those 5 weeks, then you'll actually be underway with it all, and all this will be over by then. I hope you can too keep on top of things, keep focussed on the end point, good luck back to you too for the next few weeks.

Dave - Thanks for writing that. I can emphasise with your story. Sounds like you've fought hard for this, that takes guts to not give up. The house dilemma is a bummer; like you say, fortune certainly does favour the brave, and if this stress is the price we have to pay for at least knowing we are having a go at something we want to do, that makes us stronger that we chose to face it, rather than just close off another dream. Be good to keep in touch if we're going out at the similar times, maybe get together over a cold one when we're all done! I think there's going to be a few trials at the over end yet. Where about's in Sydney are you going?

Centurion

Nice post. Why you still in the UK again ????

Seems you have answered your own questions from your thoughts in your post.

benlast

Good post, Rob

On the decision as to whether to move or not... is there a wrong answer? What I mean is; if you move, you will try a life change and whilst it may or may not work, it will be an experience (which is, of course, cheap at any price). It doesn't have to be permanent: give yourself a target to stay, say, two years and after that decide whether to return or stay. Don't make it a once-and-for-all huge decision.

On the subject of getting to grips with all the Stuff To Do (which is where we are): search and find every single To Do List post on BE. Gather every task up into a huge master To Do list of your own. Take a piece of paper (or a spreadsheet if you prefer) and start a timeline backwards from the date you want to fly out. Start allocating tasks to that timeline. Spread them out so that it'll all get done as long as you keep up with it, and so that you don't overload yourself at any point. Then start doing the tasks!

Cheers
b

rob-e

Thanks for the replies all. Yep, either way, its all good life experience; it's good to think "who knows what'll happen in two years time", rather than "I'll still be right here in two years doing largely the same", but I'm the kind of guy who will find anything else to do but start getting ready, wish I was just there now and getting off the flight lol.

So to deal with that, I'm going to make a start this afternoon then trawling the forum, making that monster to-do list. Then prob wind up doing something else instead