Xgeminix

Right...I'm writing this post because I've got to get something off my chest.

My husband and I, along with our three children, aged 12, 9 and 1 are totally fed up with the UK and can see no prospects in Cumbria for any of us. Booming house prices, state of education, services, weather... especially coming from the Lake District, are just a few of the reasons we want to go.

Mother and Father-in-Law are fine, can't wait to come out and see us, have mentioned three times a year if they can but my mother...whoa.

I have been told if we go I'll be cut out of the will, never spoken to again, be given no support whatsoever starting from now, and that she thinks it's absolultely disgusting that I'm taking her only grandchildren away from her and that I'm treating it all as one big joke!!! she's even told my 9 year old that if we go she'll commit suicide!!

So here are the options

A) We try OZ and give the best possible future to our kids, by selling the house we can be virtually debt free ...apart from low mortgage and ignore everyting my mother says
or
B) Stop where we are in the pi**ing rain, 14 nice days of weather a year, kids being bullied at poor schools, continue to pay a high mortage and debts and look forward to providing and caring for my brother who has OCD and hardly speaks to me since I got married 13 years ago, he still lives with my mum and dad, she says I haven't given one thought to what will happen to him when they die. I can see where she is coming from but should I really forget about my own and my families lives and put him first.

Sorry you've had to put up with me but I just had to have a moan.

Jude

Un-Co

Don't really know what to say but stay strong and try not to let it drag you down too much. It must be awful for you. I know there have been similar threads and I'm shocked at some of the reactions people have had and the emotional blackmail they've encountered. I count myself lucky my folks suported my decision.

ABCDiamond

I'm not one for saying much in this type of thread, but if I had a parent that said what yours said, to my child, (about suicide) i'd be off like a shot !
No parent would bully me or mine, and win.

Xgeminix

I forgot to mention that we are supposed to be going on holiday that we booked... pre telling them...next weekend to Spain for a week, (just me, my mum, dad and brother) we still speak to each other at the moment but you could cut that atmosphere with a knife and I get snide remarks all the time.

I'm really tempted to say I'm not going but could that make matters worse?
Or do I put a brave face on and put up with her moods for 7 days?

Xgeminix

My Uncle totally agrees with you!!

He also got the wrath of her tongue as he has given us £4000 to go on a visit to Perth next month (we fly 5th June, Emirates), he is all for us going and can't believe that she would treat any flesh and blood this way.

Jude

philian4

I truly sympathise with you.....I'm loathed to interfere because bloods thicker that water but my family have been awful about us leaving (though ina different way. We organised a family holiday, us 6 my mum, brother and his wife and children......it was awful and I wish to God we hadn't gone. I used it to sound out my brother about us going. he was supportive and said go for it. However a huge row late in the week left a vile atmosphere- I had no idea what was brewing!

Booked a reccie trip to Aus a few months later and told my mum we were thinking of moving here and she said that's lovely but don't think you'll get me over there. I explained how expensive it would be to fly 6 of us (and I don't want to waste money on going to a place I couldn't wait to leave!) but told her there was a ticket whenever she wanted one. Our kids are 9, 7, 4 and 3. She has hinted strongly to them that she won't see them again. My brother phoned up shortly after we arrived hurling abuse at me and hounding me with abusve texts (we lived 350 miles apart in the UK and that wasn't far enough!). It broke my heart and although I keep in regular contact with Mum I know there is a lot she doesn't say to me and our relationship, which was often strained is now a farce. I just look at the kids and think I maybe denying them family but hopefully we will attract like minded people to us and surround them with positiveness and caring rather than nastiness and hidden agendas. I'm still bothered by it all but my kids aren't aware of any tension or arguements and to me that is priceless.

Mum will always be special to me....she has raised me to be a woman with the strength and conviction to stand up and be counted and do what she believes is the right thing for her family......I have to come to terms with the fact that the very same woman regularly tries to crush me.

God, I didn't realise I had so much baggage to off load!!

Just remember there are loads of us with a similar story-stay strong-and most importantly stay sane! It's a stressful process anyway.

Good luck,

Phil x

JackTheLad

That's a tough one. If I were you, I wouldn't have been able to decide between my own children and my parents. But then I, personally, probably would not even have started thinking about leaving parents and a brother with a serious medical condition behind. Have you looked at the option of moving to a diffferent place within the UK? At least you'll be a bit closer to your family and can see them on weekends or when needed?

Have you got other siblings or family in the UK who can help your parents and brother when they need support?

I agree your mother has over-reacted to your wanting to leave the UK(like many mothers of those on this forum) and it's not nice saying to her own grandchild that she was going to kill herself. But at least you know how strongly she feels about it. It's worse if she hides all the emotions from you and you feel guilty about not knowing her worries in the future.

Assuming you're thinking of moving to Australia (as you're on this forum), don't forget you may run into the same social problems which you experienc in the UK here as well. Having a low mortgage is only possible if you steer away from the major cities, but other problems are still there. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

All the best whatever your decision.

Cheers,
Mrs JTL

CadburysFingers

Your Mother is totally and utterly 100% in the wrong. To be honest, she is also a bad Mother. We all have to want the best for our children, thats why we had them for Gods sake. Follow your dreams, and do what is best for your family, i.e the five of you. Your Mother will come round, in the future. To mention to a 9 year old she will commit suicide is unforgiveable in my eyes.

Wave the Sails

Haven't had time to read the other replies but my immediate reaction is that this sort of emotional blackmail is totally unacceptable. Would you put up with this kind of behaviour from your children? I don't expect so.

You need to sit your Mother down and ask that she just listen (without interrupting) for approx 10 minutes, whilst you explain your reasons for wanting to emigrate.

Now these are YOUR reasons and whether or not she agrees with them is immaterial. Additionally, if you are about to make a huge mistake then it's yours to make!

OCD is not a serious condition, not life threatening, and there is plenty of time for anyone who feels they should be involved to plan for your brother's care should the worst happen to your parents.

She is being childish, so treat her like one until she can be rational. Yes it's hard for family when we go. I had to say goodbye to 3 grandparents when I left the UK, and it was one of the hardest things I had to do. However, all my Grandparents were of the opinion that we were doing the right thing. They had lived their lives (and made their mistakes) in the way they chose, so why shouldn't we?

I would give your Mum two choices:

a) You go to Oz and they will rarely see you
b) You stay in the UK but move so that they don't see you anyway due to uncaring and throughtless emotional blackmail.

HTH

Mrs J.

spalen

Hi,

It sounds to me that you are living your life for your old family, brother, mother etc...and maybe its time to think about your own family...your children, husband. Seems to be you are being held responsible for other peoples lives way too much, I was in a very similar situation, my sister has serious mental health issues and most of my life was spent picking up the pieces.

Dont be made to feel guilty for wanting a better life for your family, even if it isnt Australia...question to ask yourself is would you do what your mother has done to your own children..I would expect the answer to be no.

Unless you want to go on the holiday with your family then I wouldnt go, do something that you will enjoy with your own family instead, dont be an emotional punch bag for others.

just my opinon
salens wife

HUP

While very thoughtless to say this to a nine year old I think that it just shows how much the prospect of you leaving is hurting her. Human nature is a funny thing and can cause some irrational reactions when you feel threatened. No its not the done thing and I'm sure in her heart of hearts she regrets saying it. Dialogue is the only way forward and to maintain the relationship with your family you should be prepared to hear some hurtful things. Its ironic but they are only doing it because they love you.

Bix da Boss

There are BELLS ringing in my head

My Mums reaction was really BAD too! No suicide threat though, that was totally out of order especially saying it to your 9 yr old child

Some very strong words were said at the time of breaking the news to her, everyone else just wished us luck, although they were sad to see us go. But Mum, well if I did take notice of everything she said, we would still be there! Talk about a guilt trip! The biggest I've ever had in my whole life But, we still did it - took the challange and have not regreted it at all

Mum has 'come round' so to speak and we are on very good terms now via phone calls and letters. Have a few tears now and then but she now realises, we had to do this for US not HER! She chose what to do with her life - so why decided we wanted to chose what to do with the rest of ours!

It has been written about so many times on this forum before - you are certainly not alone. Be strong and think about yourself for once although that is a very hard thing to do - I know!!!!

Take care - sure it will sort itself out. Follow YOUR dream nobody else can do it for you

purple rain

She is an adult and should act like one, threatening suicide let alone telling that to a 9yr old!!!!! sounds like emotional blackmail. Back off now and don't give her the chance to spoil your happiness, yes she should be upset you are going but she should wish you well.
My ma-in-law ( I'm taking her youngest son away said if we we decided to stay because of her (age ect) she would never have forgiven herself, you are only here once, enjoy it while you can.
What ever you do you have to protect your children from this.

chocaholic

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation - it's not unusual for parents to pull out all the stops to persuade you to stay near them - but I have to say threatening suicide is really awful.

As others have said - it's really only for you and your husband to decide where your future lies. Good luck with the many big decisions that are coming your way.

Anastasia Beaverhausen

Please dont let that put you off going, its quite normal for parents to hate the prospect of their kids leaving.

I had a bad reaction from my mum, more tears than tantrums, and consant remarks about taking her grandson away, but its not going to stop me from going.

If we stayed because of my Mum, I think I would end up resenting her, and probably not wanting to see her much, and she understands that now (at last)

You have control of your life, and the decision you make for your family, so dont let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what you feel is right.

All the best
Claire
xx