Midweek funny
Jul 21st 2004, 4:03 pm
#1
Banned
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: Morayfield - The Posh Part
Posts: 10,138
Midweek funny
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the
city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a Pint of Beer
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood... big,
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO
PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, has to go, after all that Guinness. He finds a narrow side
street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the
wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie... "Just follow me." He leads him to a back
"delivery alley" then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away... anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge
beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie
"That was really decent of you... is that English Hospitality?"
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face,
" its the French Embassy."
city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a Pint of Beer
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood... big,
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO
PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, has to go, after all that Guinness. He finds a narrow side
street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the
wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie... "Just follow me." He leads him to a back
"delivery alley" then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away... anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge
beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie
"That was really decent of you... is that English Hospitality?"
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face,
" its the French Embassy."
Jul 21st 2004, 4:07 pm
#2
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: Midweek funny
Couldn't see where that was going LOL
Jul 21st 2004, 4:08 pm
#3
Now 15% less offensive
Joined: Jul 2004
Location: Poole, Dorset. (Ex. Dubai, but might be back soon)
Posts: 793
Scientists have discovered intelligent DNA in some women. Unfortunatley 95% of them spat it out!
Jul 21st 2004, 4:09 pm
#4
Now 15% less offensive
Joined: Jul 2004
Location: Poole, Dorset. (Ex. Dubai, but might be back soon)
Posts: 793
World Records
Women:
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space sucessfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Video Lesbianism:
The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.
Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
Men:
Expletives:
On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.
Beer Drinking:
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.
Urinating:
The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.
Hottest Curry Eaten:
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.
Biggest Fart:
The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.
Holiday Gymnastics:
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.
Loudest Car Stereo:
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.
Car Customisation:
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of ?63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit (?3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights (?199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 (?200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, (?500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (?285). The car is currently valued at ?50 to ?60.
Longest Wheel Spin:
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.
Women:
Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space sucessfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.
Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Video Lesbianism:
The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.
Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
Men:
Expletives:
On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.
Beer Drinking:
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.
Urinating:
The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.
Hottest Curry Eaten:
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.
Biggest Fart:
The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.
Holiday Gymnastics:
The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.
Loudest Car Stereo:
The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.
Car Customisation:
Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of ?63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit (?3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights (?199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 (?200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, (?500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (?285). The car is currently valued at ?50 to ?60.
Longest Wheel Spin:
The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.
Jul 21st 2004, 4:53 pm
#5
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: AU
Posts: 585
Dear Staff,
Welcome back to the office. Hope you enjoyed your time
off. Please be advised that there are new rules and
regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our
company.
ATTIRE: It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada
sneakers &carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing
well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal
days a year. They are called Saturday &Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as
they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet
pill.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement
as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in
the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category.
SURGERY As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment
Offices.
Have a nice day. Human Resources Dept
Welcome back to the office. Hope you enjoyed your time
off. Please be advised that there are new rules and
regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our
company.
ATTIRE: It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada
sneakers &carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing
well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal
days a year. They are called Saturday &Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as
they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the
time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet
pill.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement
as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in
the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders" category.
SURGERY As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing
anything. We hired you intact. To have something
removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation,
consternation and input should be directed to the Unemployment
Offices.
Have a nice day. Human Resources Dept
