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A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Old Sep 10th 2002, 2:23 pm
  #1  
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Default A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Hello everyone, my name is Mrs Pommie Bastard and I thought it was time I introduced myself to you all, and gave you my impressions of Australia. Well as you know from my wonderful, cheerful husband, Pommie Bastard, we have been living in Perth for some years now. We moved here from England after we decided there was nothing left for us to moan about.

We both felt we needed a new challenge in life, as in England you can only really moan about the weather. We considered our options and eventually had to choose between Iraq, Afghanistan and Australia. It was a tough choice and in the end we decided that in Iraq or Afghanistan we would run the risk of being flogged in the street if we bitched and moaned as much as we like to, so our plans were set; and we started the process of moving to Australia.

We had to have our skills assessed by the AWAA (Australian Whinge-Arses Association) which was a nervy time, but we passed with flying colours; our assessor told us that never in all his years had he come across a couple who actually made him want to top himself!! We were so proud.

Next we had to have our level of understanding of the English language tested. This was very hard because as you all know my husband cannot string two words together let alone post a well structured, grammatically correct message on this forum, good job we found a three year old child who was able to do the test on his behalf.

Well with that out the way we just had to have our medicals and get our police checks. The medicals were ok really; they tested our ability to sit on our arses in a pub drinking copious amounts of alcohol, my husband does that well enough for both of us, and also they tested our ability to suck the life out of any happy situation we encounter. My husband has had a history of depression, but in every case it has been someone he spoke to that ended up depressed, so that was all ok. The police checks were a little fraught, my husband has caused many people to have accidents while they are crossing busy roads to avoid talking to him, but no charges have ever stuck.

After that it was all plain sailing, we got the green light and off we went. We left England on a grey, gloomy day (though the sun soon came out once we were on the plane). On landing in Australia we were full of hope for our new start. As both of us like busy cities with lots to do and nice cool weather it made sense that we start out in Darwin, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. There is so much to moan about, it is too hot for us, there is nothing to do, all the locals hate us, the job market is no good for us (I’m an ice sculptor); we had the time of our lives.

Eventually though once you have pissed of everyone around you and really dragged a place down, you have to move on, so we decided to start again in Perth, which is where we are now. So far things are going great, everyone we have encountered so far thinks we are both pathetic, whinging, poms, which of course is what we strive for.

On a final note I would love to pass on some advice to anyone who is in two minds about coming over here: The best ways to really make the locals hate you is to constantly whinge about the weather, always take a negative outlook on life, assume the worst in any situation, create your own bad luck, always live in a small town if you like busy thriving cities, try to find employment in an area of high unemployment, and best of all spend a lot of your time in pubs getting drunk and abusing groups of local lads. Believe me if you follow that advice you will have as great a time as we have.

Best of luck to you all.
Mrs Pommie Bastard

P.S. In case you are wondering MrsPommieBastard was to long for my user name!!
 
Old Sep 10th 2002, 2:54 pm
  #2  
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Default Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Absolutely superb. Puts it all in exactly the right perspective.
Now the rest of us can get on with being happy, positive and optimistic in whatever goals we set ourselves.
XXX
Tegan
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Old Sep 10th 2002, 4:10 pm
  #3  
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Thumbs up Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

How wonderful to meet you! Please keep posting (i would love to know who this is!)
That has made my day-i know i am sad but my job is soooooo boring at the mo!

Thanks Mrs PB

Love

Nicky
x

Originally posted by MsPommieBastard:
Hello everyone, my name is Mrs Pommie Bastard and I thought it was time I introduced myself to you all, and gave you my impressions of Australia. Well as you know from my wonderful, cheerful husband, Pommie Bastard, we have been living in Perth for some years now. We moved here from England after we decided there was nothing left for us to moan about.

We both felt we needed a new challenge in life, as in England you can only really moan about the weather. We considered our options and eventually had to choose between Iraq, Afghanistan and Australia. It was a tough choice and in the end we decided that in Iraq or Afghanistan we would run the risk of being flogged in the street if we bitched and moaned as much as we like to, so our plans were set; and we started the process of moving to Australia.

We had to have our skills assessed by the AWAA (Australian Whinge-Arses Association) which was a nervy time, but we passed with flying colours; our assessor told us that never in all his years had he come across a couple who actually made him want to top himself!! We were so proud.

Next we had to have our level of understanding of the English language tested. This was very hard because as you all know my husband cannot string two words together let alone post a well structured, grammatically correct message on this forum, good job we found a three year old child who was able to do the test on his behalf.

Well with that out the way we just had to have our medicals and get our police checks. The medicals were ok really; they tested our ability to sit on our arses in a pub drinking copious amounts of alcohol, my husband does that well enough for both of us, and also they tested our ability to suck the life out of any happy situation we encounter. My husband has had a history of depression, but in every case it has been someone he spoke to that ended up depressed, so that was all ok. The police checks were a little fraught, my husband has caused many people to have accidents while they are crossing busy roads to avoid talking to him, but no charges have ever stuck.

After that it was all plain sailing, we got the green light and off we went. We left England on a grey, gloomy day (though the sun soon came out once we were on the plane). On landing in Australia we were full of hope for our new start. As both of us like busy cities with lots to do and nice cool weather it made sense that we start out in Darwin, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. There is so much to moan about, it is too hot for us, there is nothing to do, all the locals hate us, the job market is no good for us (I’m an ice sculptor); we had the time of our lives.

Eventually though once you have pissed of everyone around you and really dragged a place down, you have to move on, so we decided to start again in Perth, which is where we are now. So far things are going great, everyone we have encountered so far thinks we are both pathetic, whinging, poms, which of course is what we strive for.

On a final note I would love to pass on some advice to anyone who is in two minds about coming over here: The best ways to really make the locals hate you is to constantly whinge about the weather, always take a negative outlook on life, assume the worst in any situation, create your own bad luck, always live in a small town if you like busy thriving cities, try to find employment in an area of high unemployment, and best of all spend a lot of your time in pubs getting drunk and abusing groups of local lads. Believe me if you follow that advice you will have as great a time as we have.

Best of luck to you all.
Mrs Pommie Bastard

P.S. In case you are wondering MrsPommieBastard was to long for my user name!!
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Old Sep 10th 2002, 4:10 pm
  #4  
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Thumbs up Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

How wonderful to meet you! Please keep posting (i would love to know who this is!)
That has made my day-i know i am sad but my job is soooooo boring at the mo!

Thanks Mrs PB

Love

Nicky
x

Originally posted by MsPommieBastard:
Hello everyone, my name is Mrs Pommie Bastard and I thought it was time I introduced myself to you all, and gave you my impressions of Australia. Well as you know from my wonderful, cheerful husband, Pommie Bastard, we have been living in Perth for some years now. We moved here from England after we decided there was nothing left for us to moan about.

We both felt we needed a new challenge in life, as in England you can only really moan about the weather. We considered our options and eventually had to choose between Iraq, Afghanistan and Australia. It was a tough choice and in the end we decided that in Iraq or Afghanistan we would run the risk of being flogged in the street if we bitched and moaned as much as we like to, so our plans were set; and we started the process of moving to Australia.

We had to have our skills assessed by the AWAA (Australian Whinge-Arses Association) which was a nervy time, but we passed with flying colours; our assessor told us that never in all his years had he come across a couple who actually made him want to top himself!! We were so proud.

Next we had to have our level of understanding of the English language tested. This was very hard because as you all know my husband cannot string two words together let alone post a well structured, grammatically correct message on this forum, good job we found a three year old child who was able to do the test on his behalf.

Well with that out the way we just had to have our medicals and get our police checks. The medicals were ok really; they tested our ability to sit on our arses in a pub drinking copious amounts of alcohol, my husband does that well enough for both of us, and also they tested our ability to suck the life out of any happy situation we encounter. My husband has had a history of depression, but in every case it has been someone he spoke to that ended up depressed, so that was all ok. The police checks were a little fraught, my husband has caused many people to have accidents while they are crossing busy roads to avoid talking to him, but no charges have ever stuck.

After that it was all plain sailing, we got the green light and off we went. We left England on a grey, gloomy day (though the sun soon came out once we were on the plane). On landing in Australia we were full of hope for our new start. As both of us like busy cities with lots to do and nice cool weather it made sense that we start out in Darwin, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. There is so much to moan about, it is too hot for us, there is nothing to do, all the locals hate us, the job market is no good for us (I’m an ice sculptor); we had the time of our lives.

Eventually though once you have pissed of everyone around you and really dragged a place down, you have to move on, so we decided to start again in Perth, which is where we are now. So far things are going great, everyone we have encountered so far thinks we are both pathetic, whinging, poms, which of course is what we strive for.

On a final note I would love to pass on some advice to anyone who is in two minds about coming over here: The best ways to really make the locals hate you is to constantly whinge about the weather, always take a negative outlook on life, assume the worst in any situation, create your own bad luck, always live in a small town if you like busy thriving cities, try to find employment in an area of high unemployment, and best of all spend a lot of your time in pubs getting drunk and abusing groups of local lads. Believe me if you follow that advice you will have as great a time as we have.

Best of luck to you all.
Mrs Pommie Bastard

P.S. In case you are wondering MrsPommieBastard was to long for my user name!!
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Old Sep 10th 2002, 5:13 pm
  #5  
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Default Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

In particular, Mrs Pommie Bastard I bet you have a right old moan late Sunday mornings. Can't get no...sat-tis-faction!
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Old Sep 11th 2002, 4:26 am
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Default Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Originally posted by MsPommieBastard:

On a final note I would love to pass on some advice to anyone who is in two minds about coming over here: The best ways to really make the locals hate you is to constantly whinge about the weather, always take a negative outlook on life, assume the worst in any situation, create your own bad luck, always live in a small town if you like busy thriving cities, try to find employment in an area of high unemployment, and best of all spend a lot of your time in pubs getting drunk and abusing groups of local lads. Believe me if you follow that advice you will have as great a time as we have.

Best of luck to you all.
Mrs Pommie Bastard

P.S. In case you are wondering MrsPommieBastard was to long for my user name!!
Nice to see you on here darling I told you the people on here ,would love hear from you.
The people that will taking our place here are just like us , will find loads to whinge about in this second rate country as they have done about UK.
With so many misfits and losers waiting for a Visa maybe we should stay here this place will become more homely than it already is.
The local lads down the pub have given me the airfare back to UK , said something about piss off and tell your Pommy mates back home to stay there , who needs more convicts from the Mother country enough here already.
Anyway iron my best suit the one with the arrows on it ,off out tonight to the Ball and Chain Ball.
Just before the local sheep shearer punched my lights out down the Blue Heelers Arms , he explained to me that all Poms that come here here are called Billy no Mates why else travel half way round the world to find some, last time I stand him a round.
Must go nice people from immgration are at the door , told them last time I would leave soon , serves me right for telling that I was a brickie and that bloody form .

Last edited by pommie bastard; Sep 11th 2002 at 5:14 am.
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Old Sep 11th 2002, 4:38 am
  #7  
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Default Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Originally posted by MsPommieBastard:


On a final note I would love to pass on some advice to anyone who is in two minds about coming over here: The best ways to really make the locals hate you is to constantly whinge about the weather, always take a negative outlook on life, assume the worst in any situation, create your own bad luck, always live in a small town if you like busy thriving cities, try to find employment in an area of high unemployment, and best of all spend a lot of your time in pubs getting drunk and abusing groups of local lads. Believe me if you follow that advice you will have as great a time as we have.

Best of luck to you all.
Mrs Pommie Bastard

P.S. In case you are wondering MrsPommieBastard was to long for my user name!!

I love your message - you should be a comedian.... really, it made me smile anyway.

Are you sure your real names aren't Mr and Mrs osbourne?

I bet you two brighten up your neighbourhood.....I was just trying to imagine Mr and Mrs pommieBastard getting drunk and abusing the locals...

Keep up the good work
life can be too serious
Cheers
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Old Sep 11th 2002, 6:08 am
  #8  
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Default Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Originally posted by Christian S:
I'm Sorry but you are ALL childish.


BritishExpats.com a site for all who want to whinge about everything and everyone, this site is especially suitable for those who don't want to listen to anyone elses opinion or experience.......unless of course it's good.

Christian
With a name like Christian are you a no-humour Teutonic type?!!
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Old Sep 11th 2002, 6:57 am
  #9  
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Default Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Originally posted by MsPommieBastard:
Hello everyone, my name is Mrs Pommie Bastard and I thought it was time I introduced myself to you all, and gave you my impressions of Australia. Well as you know from my wonderful, cheerful husband, Pommie Bastard, we have been living in Perth for some years now. We moved here from England after we decided there was nothing left for us to moan about.

We both felt we needed a new challenge in life, as in England you can only really moan about the weather. We considered our options and eventually had to choose between Iraq, Afghanistan and Australia. It was a tough choice and in the end we decided that in Iraq or Afghanistan we would run the risk of being flogged in the street if we bitched and moaned as much as we like to, so our plans were set; and we started the process of moving to Australia.

We had to have our skills assessed by the AWAA (Australian Whinge-Arses Association) which was a nervy time, but we passed with flying colours; our assessor told us that never in all his years had he come across a couple who actually made him want to top himself!! We were so proud.

Next we had to have our level of understanding of the English language tested. This was very hard because as you all know my husband cannot string two words together let alone post a well structured, grammatically correct message on this forum, good job we found a three year old child who was able to do the test on his behalf.

Well with that out the way we just had to have our medicals and get our police checks. The medicals were ok really; they tested our ability to sit on our arses in a pub drinking copious amounts of alcohol, my husband does that well enough for both of us, and also they tested our ability to suck the life out of any happy situation we encounter. My husband has had a history of depression, but in every case it has been someone he spoke to that ended up depressed, so that was all ok. The police checks were a little fraught, my husband has caused many people to have accidents while they are crossing busy roads to avoid talking to him, but no charges have ever stuck.

After that it was all plain sailing, we got the green light and off we went. We left England on a grey, gloomy day (though the sun soon came out once we were on the plane). On landing in Australia we were full of hope for our new start. As both of us like busy cities with lots to do and nice cool weather it made sense that we start out in Darwin, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. There is so much to moan about, it is too hot for us, there is nothing to do, all the locals hate us, the job market is no good for us (I’m an ice sculptor); we had the time of our lives.

Eventually though once you have pissed of everyone around you and really dragged a place down, you have to move on, so we decided to start again in Perth, which is where we are now. So far things are going great, everyone we have encountered so far thinks we are both pathetic, whinging, poms, which of course is what we strive for.

On a final note I would love to pass on some advice to anyone who is in two minds about coming over here: The best ways to really make the locals hate you is to constantly whinge about the weather, always take a negative outlook on life, assume the worst in any situation, create your own bad luck, always live in a small town if you like busy thriving cities, try to find employment in an area of high unemployment, and best of all spend a lot of your time in pubs getting drunk and abusing groups of local lads. Believe me if you follow that advice you will have as great a time as we have.

Best of luck to you all.
Mrs Pommie Bastard

P.S. In case you are wondering MrsPommieBastard was to long for my user name!!
Love it !


Julie x



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Old Sep 11th 2002, 4:47 pm
  #10  
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Lightbulb Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Thanks for the chuckle Mrs PB
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Old Sep 13th 2002, 10:07 am
  #11  
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Thumbs up Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Dear Mrs PB
We miss you.
Please write soon.

Love the entire NG
xxx

Originally posted by MsPommieBastard:
Hello everyone, my name is Mrs Pommie Bastard and I thought it was time I introduced myself to you all, and gave you my impressions of Australia. Well as you know from my wonderful, cheerful husband, Pommie Bastard, we have been living in Perth for some years now. We moved here from England after we decided there was nothing left for us to moan about.

We both felt we needed a new challenge in life, as in England you can only really moan about the weather. We considered our options and eventually had to choose between Iraq, Afghanistan and Australia. It was a tough choice and in the end we decided that in Iraq or Afghanistan we would run the risk of being flogged in the street if we bitched and moaned as much as we like to, so our plans were set; and we started the process of moving to Australia.

We had to have our skills assessed by the AWAA (Australian Whinge-Arses Association) which was a nervy time, but we passed with flying colours; our assessor told us that never in all his years had he come across a couple who actually made him want to top himself!! We were so proud.

Next we had to have our level of understanding of the English language tested. This was very hard because as you all know my husband cannot string two words together let alone post a well structured, grammatically correct message on this forum, good job we found a three year old child who was able to do the test on his behalf.

Well with that out the way we just had to have our medicals and get our police checks. The medicals were ok really; they tested our ability to sit on our arses in a pub drinking copious amounts of alcohol, my husband does that well enough for both of us, and also they tested our ability to suck the life out of any happy situation we encounter. My husband has had a history of depression, but in every case it has been someone he spoke to that ended up depressed, so that was all ok. The police checks were a little fraught, my husband has caused many people to have accidents while they are crossing busy roads to avoid talking to him, but no charges have ever stuck.

After that it was all plain sailing, we got the green light and off we went. We left England on a grey, gloomy day (though the sun soon came out once we were on the plane). On landing in Australia we were full of hope for our new start. As both of us like busy cities with lots to do and nice cool weather it made sense that we start out in Darwin, and I cannot recommend it highly enough. There is so much to moan about, it is too hot for us, there is nothing to do, all the locals hate us, the job market is no good for us (I’m an ice sculptor); we had the time of our lives.

Eventually though once you have pissed of everyone around you and really dragged a place down, you have to move on, so we decided to start again in Perth, which is where we are now. So far things are going great, everyone we have encountered so far thinks we are both pathetic, whinging, poms, which of course is what we strive for.

On a final note I would love to pass on some advice to anyone who is in two minds about coming over here: The best ways to really make the locals hate you is to constantly whinge about the weather, always take a negative outlook on life, assume the worst in any situation, create your own bad luck, always live in a small town if you like busy thriving cities, try to find employment in an area of high unemployment, and best of all spend a lot of your time in pubs getting drunk and abusing groups of local lads. Believe me if you follow that advice you will have as great a time as we have.

Best of luck to you all.
Mrs Pommie Bastard

P.S. In case you are wondering MrsPommieBastard was to long for my user name!!
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Old Oct 21st 2002, 2:08 pm
  #12  
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Talking Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

As this site has become really miserable i thought a relook at this wonderful posting might cheer some newies up!!

Where has she been BTW- We would love to hear from her again!
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Old Oct 21st 2002, 3:34 pm
  #13  
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Default Re: A message from Mrs Pommie Bastard

Originally posted by Grub:
As this site has become really miserable i thought a relook at this wonderful posting might cheer some newies up!!

Where has she been BTW- We would love to hear from her again!

Yes please lets have Mrs PB back !

Julie
Adelaide by early 2003
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Old Nov 6th 2002, 4:02 pm
  #14  
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Just had to bring this classic back to the forum, for all the new people who haven`t had a chance to read this.

Marlo
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Old Nov 6th 2002, 5:33 pm
  #15  
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'Bout time the powers that be told us who the ghost writer who claims to be Mrs PB really is
My money's on RDAY-best sense of humour bar none

BB-Mrs PB's biggest fan (have you read Misery)
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