jah4reds

A little light relief for those waiting...

Coments reported in the Masscusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following questions are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certian cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at the time?"
11. Q: "She had three children right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "Ho many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12: Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up as well?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard"
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which was sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17: Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
18. Q: "All you responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started at about 8:30pn."
Q: "And Mr. Denington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting at the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So then it's possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive neverless?"
A: "It is possible that he could be alive and practicing law somewhere."

jayr

Some of these have been around a while but I particulary liked no. 4

Extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms, collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.


1. "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

2. "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

3. Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

4. This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo

5. "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

6. "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

7. "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

8. "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

9. "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

10. Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

11. "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

12. "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

13. "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

14. "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

15. "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

16. "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

17. "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

18. "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

19. "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

20. "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not seethe other car."

21. "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

22. "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

23. "My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

24. "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

25. "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

SteveBannister

What about this one:

"I realised I had pulled into the wrong garden, when I drove into a tree that I don't have"

Or,

"I had to drive over the man twice before he finally stayed down."

I remember these from my insurance days nearly twenty years ago, can't believe thier still doing the rounds!