Phoenixuk2oz

Well.......I'm sat here.......it's 1am, had a few sherbets.....feelin sad and in need of my Expat mates and their logic....

I feel like I've done another round on the DIMIA grand national..... I'm up against another Beechers Brooke........

Who said emigrating was easy??

Son [one who we found out had heart prob via visa medical 17 yrs old] has just informed us he want to stay in UK with girlfriend

Always suspected he was gonna come back next year, when 18. But so soon...Was hoping once he's sussed out all those crochet bikini's he'd maybe stay....maybe bring GF over if needs be........but no...........like all best made plans.........all gone t*ts up and he wants to stop in UK

I've been lucky in life. Got really supportive parents [got to say that cos dad comes onto this site!]....my parents have always said you cant lead your life through your kids...and vice versa. Just gotta know you're there for each other......

Son was logical in his argument. Said he couldn't ask us to stay in UK and be unhappy. I said I couldn't ask him to go to Oz and be equally unhappy. So both talked, cried, talked, cried some more.....then started to plan how to cope......what to do......

So..with a month till we leave and in middle of selling house, got to set up a flat up, leave son and deal with emotional turmoil of it all

Sorry...........wanna post happy thread.......but sometimes its good that we share ALL the good and bad of emigrating. I think it shows that sh*t does happen and emigrating is one helluva emotional roller coaster, just when things are going right...they can as easily go pear shaped. Thought it might help others in same/similar position to ours to understand they're not alone.

Besides......maybe talking to you guys helps....it has done so far .......it helps to talk......off to get another sherbet....and thanks for listening........

Life's a bitch.....and then......

DagBoy

Well,
to try and be positive about it, at least he has made that decision now rather than 2 days before you fly out (or worse, 2 days after you get here).

The money you save on an airfare can either go towards setting up that flat, or on an airfare for him to come out later.

The only thing that might be a consideration (and I do not know what the rules are) is that if he comes out here as a dependent minor then I assume her is part of your visa application and all the hard work has been done, whereas if he leaves it he might find it harder to come out here at a later date in his own right. It might be worth being apart from his g/f for a while to get that freedom in the future. Of course, 17yo boys do not think like that .....

Hope it all works out,

Cheers,

DagBoy

glhall

We're leaving our 17 year old son here also. Hes supposed to be coming over at Christmas with his girlfriend to live but who knows he may get a job & stay here in NZ. We have to pay a room in a flat for him because hes still at school and has no money. He got his restricted license only a week and a half ago then drove to school on thursday and smashed into someone. his excess is $1000 which he dosnt have. Ill have to lend it to him but at this rate Ill be broke before I get to Oz.

Graham

madsad

Phoenix, total dilemma, but as my gran told me before she passed on.

Live your life for you & yours.

You would rather be a no one with someone than someone with no one.

And my own thought. You cannot no matter how hard you try have one second of your life back, live your life & let your son live his, no matter where he is he will need you & you will need him, that wont change. Miles + love = No Worries.

Phoenixuk2oz

Hiya Mr DagBoy, nice to speak to you at last.....hope MrsDB is feeling better

Yeh...you're right. Could have told us once in OZ and been unhappy, rubbing off on everyone else. So at least we all set off on a good footing so to speak.

I'm afraid we wont save on airfare cos he has to validate his visa before 4th November so as not to lose PR status. In fact it will now cost us more cos he will require a return flight

Ah well.........another sherbet me finx and maybe the world will look a better place tomorrow eh

Thankx again MrDB.....much apprecdiated

Phoenixuk2oz

Hi Graham......

You're leaving your son too...so maybe its not so unusual for this to happen afterall [I thought we were the only ones mad enough to agree to do it?]

I'm sorry to hear your boy had a car accident. You must be out of your mind with worry.....worrying also about how he will cope, will he be sensible enough? will he be able to support himself? etc, etc.

It sounds like you've got to pay out on top of it all At least I'm not concerned on that note [son just been offered an extremely good apprenticeship & earning good salary each month so will be self supportive]

I'm presuming....and hoping...your son was OK re accident?

See.....you've helped me to see there's always someone worse off and I'm soooo sorry for you too my friend.

Kids eh.....who'd ave em

Keep your chin up......fingers crossed these boys of ours don't cost us too much in terms of emotional turmoil .....and cash

Take care....

Phoenixuk2oz

madsad.....thankx

You are right, your comments are sensible. Doesn't stop it being the hardest decision to make though.....and learning to let go IS hard isn't it

You are right. Life IS for living & we all have choices that are independant of each other. The thing is to do what's right for each person's individual needs & respect those differences,

There's no right, no wrong. Just be there for each other if/when times are hard....

Thanks again my friend. Yours and others kind words have helped me to evaluate.......here's hoping we are all going down the right road in life

Interested

I couldn't agree more, life sucks the shit out of you and then you spray it on everyone else.

Loopy

I hate to say this but he's young and you know how relationships can be at that age. If he & his girlfriend split up maybe he'll reconsider and come over later. It's hard the older they get, try and think back to when you were that age, I know as a teenager I'd have hated to have had to move to the other side of the world and would have really dug my heels in if i'd been "in lurv"at the time.

You are being very brave leaving him. I know I would be in pieces and just hoping he'd change his mind at some stage. Keep positive though and get on with building your new lives, hopefully he'll be out on holiday and you never know. At least it's easier to keep in touch with e-mail/webcams/cheap phonecalls and presumably you've got friends & family in the UK there for him.

Chin up, get some sleep & maybe it won't seem so bad

best wishes

Loopy

glhall

Thanks. He wasnt hurt in the accident I think he'll be OK here. I cant force him to come and he may appreciate us more when we've gone anyway. Were looking around for a part time job for him so he will have a small income hopefully.Im also leaving our 19 year old daughter here as well. her choice. She dosnt live with us and has work, boyfriend etc. Im hoping theyll come over as well one day. As far as emotional turmoil - Im just going to have to get used to it Im afraid because Ive also got a15 year old and a 13 year old boy as well. I nearly had a serious fight with one of them the other day I got so angry with their smart mouth! We sure get our share of dramas in my house I tell you. Then theres the 3 younger ones 10,6, 4 who love to make a mess. Our place is more like a zoo at times, kids crying, boys fighting, parents yelling, stereo & Tv blaring. My wifes fault - she shouldnt have had so many of the blighters(joke).

cheers
Graham

Phoenixuk2oz

Hello Loopy...........

I agree he is young isn't he....hence our dilemma. He's actually going to be 18 about 6 months after we land in Oz so even if we forced him to go to Oz......he'd only rebel and return when he's legally old enough. I'd rather help than hinder..... and at least this way we will get him settled before we go.....

We also discussed your valid point re possibility of him splitting up with GF. This could be a prob as its his GF dad that has taken him on work wise. We have agreed if things don't work out, or for whatever reason he may want to go to Oz, then we will fly him straight over [hence we wanted to validate his visa so he has the choice later if needed].

Re friends & family support: This is mixed. Nearest family will be about 20 miles away. His GF family are / have been fantastic......in fact I couldn't have chosen a nicer family if I married him off!!! [lol]. However we all know [with life's experiences] that this could go pear shaped if ever he falls out with GF. They've been going out 2 years and seem to get on.....spend every day together....but who knows

Re webcams, phones etc: Yeh.....again.....ythere are various forms of communication these days which make it easier to keep in touch. So maybe it wont be as bad as it seems. And there's always holidays........

Tell me.........all the men out there........you remember being a 17yr old lad........would this have been daunting for you? Would you have coped?

As a parent...am I doing the right thing to let go?

[BTW:I left home at 16 to go to college.........and I've survived....but I didn't live in a different country to parents].

Advice gratefully received.

And Loopy.........thansk

Phoenixuk2oz

Crikey Graham.........you've been a busy chappie wot with all those kids. Is NZ telly worse than Ozzie box then

I'd have taken you to be done if you were my hubby [lol]

I'm really pleased your son wasn't hurt. It sounds like it was your pocket that suffered the most then eh

At least you son will have another sibling to "look in" on him. That's good and has got to help put your mind at rest.

Hope everything works out for you and your family Graham. I'm sure it wil. We will be looking back in some years, house devoid of kids, in autumn of our years, and wonder why we evcer worried [if only!!]

Take care........you and your clan

MrsDagboy

PUK, Im still alive, but only just . Poor poor you, it must be horrible knowing that you have to leave him, but as everyone else says, hes at an age where he can (almost ) make all of his own decisions & Im sure its probably very hard for him as well. You cant live your life around him, you have yourself, your hubby & your other son to think about as well. At least he will have the option to come out later as someone else pointed out, hell, he might even decide to bring the g/f with him after hes finished his apprenticeship etc. You can never say never .

Sorry, Im not much use at the moment as a shoulder to cry on, well not unless you want snot dripping all over your head, over your hair & onto your tutu .

Chin up, whats the saying? Onwards & upwards .

DagBoy

You are asking a bit much now. Not sure I can really remember that far back :scared:

I left home at 18 to go to Uni. I went to Newcastle and my parents were down in Cambridge, so although it was not the other side of the world, it was certainly far enough to stop me just popping home when I felt like it. I seem to remember that although it was daunting and very easy to get lonely and homesick, there were plenty in the same boat so it all worked out OK. Your lad's situation is different, he is not going anywhere, so he will have the advantages of familiarity (job, mates, g/f, place) so I doubt very much if that bit will be daunting. Harder for him will probably be the fact that you are not available "on call" so he will be fending for himself. My memory of being in the fending for myself situation at Uni was that surprisingly none of us starved, we worked out how to use cookers and washing machines (or sweet talked a girl that already knew these things). I think youth gives you a lot more resilience to that sort of thing. And remember - you are always there on the other end of a phone if needed.

Cheers,

DagBoy

Larissa

Hiya Phoenix
First off, I'm sending you a big cyber hug and a big thankyou for supporting me when everything was going pear shaped, with me dad.
Hang on in there... I have the feeling that things will become clearer, plus moving over to Aus isn't the end of the world, provided you have the dosh for him to fly out.

My hubby left home at 17. It was a difficult family situation and he couldn't go back - to complicated to explain here. He bought a house when he was 18 and was very independent and mature when we met. I was 17, our relationship has survived over that time, so it can work out. My parents emigrated when I was 19. I was quite gutted at the time, but had lived with Blim for a year. It taught me to be independent, but there were times when I missed them like crazy and when Blim and I fell out, there was nowhere to run too! In Hindsight, that was probably a good thing, it taught us to talk to each other and sort things out lol!

However, my parents don't seem to be as "together" as you. I went through uni with very little financial support and even when they lived in the UK, I rarely saw them as I couldn't afford the train ticket (tight ar$es lol). Your son knows you're there for him, plus it's his decision to stay. It's possible too that he and his girlfriend may decide to come over, they're young enough to do the WHV thing, go packpacking, all that kind of stuff.
I now have a much better relationship with my mum. I appreciate the time we have together, it's easy to pick up the phone and I enjoy our holidays together.
Hope it all works out,
Chin up!
Larissa