NickyC

It's a world-wide phenomenon, doesn't just happen here and in the UK.

Even the Simpsons did a piss-take episode in 1998 with Marj driving around in a huge great 4WD. Came complete with a great song:

Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
Smells like a steak, and seats thirty five?
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down
It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Hey, hey!
Twelve yards long, two lanes wide,
Sixty five tons of American pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
She blinds everybody with her super high beams
She's a squirrel-squashin', deer-smackin' drivin' machine
Canyonero! Canyonero! Canyonero!
Whoa, Canyonero! Whoa!

Ceri

It's the same here- it's surprising how many people don't use their 4 wheel drives for the purpose it was intended for. Personally I hope they bring in a test for 4 wheel drives - which has been suggested time and time again by the Au government.

It tickles me how a lot of these people can't pass their test in a manual.. only an automatic.. then they go and a huge vehicle.. I'd change that law too.. if you can't pass your test in a Manual.. even if you are intending to drive an automatic ( a little thing as a gear stick b*ggers you up) .. you should not be on the road.

Some of the worst drivers on the road here are women in landcruisers who can hardly see over the bonnet. ( and this is coming from a woman so I can't be called sexist! But personally speaking I find a lot of women to be some the worst drivers on the road - here and in Britain.. head in the sky if you ask me). I curse a lot more women drivers on the road more than I do men.


stats surprisingly will back this up ( the major insurers have said in the past that there are more claims by women overall
only in high speed fatal accidents that men are the worst.. but this has been twisted by women's groups , them only telling half of the story .. ie women are the safest drivers.. look at the overall claims - this is not true at all. The fact is that there are more women who claim on insurance than men in the total of all accidents)

Bring in a test to drive them ( you'd see less of these dizzy women on the roads then) .

P.s I use mine off road and on the beach ( besides being my main mode of transportation) .. if I didn't - I would have just bought a car. I hate stupid people who buy things just because they think it looks cool.. and don't use it for it's meant for... and are a danger to themselves and everyone else..

PPS disclaimer not all women are "dizzy" .. and I am a woman.. but geeze you don't half see some bad women drivers.. I swear more at them than I do men on the roads ..lol

Bluerobot

Ok, I know I'm late, but here's my contribution:

Drive around your local supermarket carpark for ages. Wait until you spot someone going back to their car. Now follow them slowly back to their car, and wait impatiently for them to vacate their parking spot, whilst blocking the lane of traffic just in case someone steals the now vacant space.

Screw light switches to walls at random, preferably somewhere which would make an ideal spot for a picture, mirror etc. Do not connect the switch to a light, and watch with amusement as your friends try to work out what light the switch is connected to.

Place a small dog in your attic for a few days. When your neighbours come round to complain about the noise, pay someone to hide the dog in your own garden. Then scatter sultanas round your loft to convince them that you have a resident possum.

Brick up half your plug sockets and replace them with extension leads. Plug loads of those double socket adaptors that they used a lot of in the 70's (or for a really professional job, even more extension leads) into the extension leads. Then plug a 2.4 Kw oil filled heater in as far away from the wall socket as you can and observe in wonder at how hot your plugs will get in Australia. For added realism, replace all the fuses in your plugs with 6 inch nails.

Remove the hot water pipe from your washing machine, and only use cold wash cycles, no matter how dirty your clothes. Then bore everyone to death by telling everybody thats the way that Aussies do it, because hot water will fade and rot your clothes. Tell them as often as you can, so that they get the message.

Chop the bottom 3 inches off the bottom of all your doors, then try to keep the draught out by using those sausage-dog things that your granny used to have in the 70's.

Aussie History:
1. Measure the distance between the top of your head and the centre of your eyes.
2. Remove the handle from the bucket.
3. Cut a 25 mm slot over 1/4 of the circumference of a galvanised bucket, being careful that the centre of the slot is the same distance (measured in step 1above), from the bottom of the bucket.
4. Every school term when the kids get a Ned Kelly assignment (yes they will - every term) for their History homework, put the bucket on your head and get the kids to draw a picture of you. For added authenticity, sellotape a large roasting tin to your chest, and jam a small roasting tin into your belt to cover the genital region.

Place a 2Kw heater under your bed to simulate having a bedroom over the garage in the summer.

Chop the top 3 inches of the waist off of your jeans so that everyone can see the crack of your arse/g-string.

Get the kids used to walking to school in the summer by encouraging them to walk around the garden wearing a wide brimmed hat. Shine a 300 watt lamp in their eyes for extra realism.

When travelling on the motorway, take a galvanised bucket with you. Every 20 miles or so, stop your car and get the driver to throw coins into the bucket. Alternatively, every time you get on or off the motorway, make a shrill beeping noise and get somebody else to throw the coins out of you window.

Paint out all the road markings in your local neighbourhood to simultate driving in the wet in Australia.

To add an authentic "Aussie" feel to your home, procure some old oil drums,
arrange in an untidy heap in your front garden and add a "For Sale" sign.

Get a friend to travel with you whenever you take a journey in your car. Get them to make a signal at random by slapping the dashboard, and then timing your response in getting out and abandoning your car. This will be good practice for those "spider crawling up the inside of your windscreen" moments. Also, get the kids to slap you round the head if you get in the car without checking the sun visors first.

Badge

ceri can I join your fan club. I love your style.

I've got a 4x4 ute - but note Ute. There was no way I was gonna buy a 4x4 wagon. My ute has been the surprise buy of my stay- and I don't mean by having to fix up small things occasionally but the way it is so handy for purchasing and home delivery, DIY, moving house. It has been borrowed so many times..now I am on acreage it is even more useful.

also - have to admit 4x4 give you great vis in a commute - as you are higher than other drivers gives you more space to see what is ahead - make the rush hr a bit more comfortable..

BM

Pollyana

Sounds like my new life! especially the sausage dogs! I am so SICK of falling over them - one small patch of hallway and there are four of the things in it!!!

hevs

Why would you? You havn't got kids to take to school yet have you

Dave, i nearly PMSL, 'specially the Ned Kelly bit

markeh

I'm trying this one!
I'm only a little late for work on Thursday

Oh bugger it I'm off down the pub


Bye
Mark

Cat_Harrison

Very good tips... laughed at this one for ages!

madsad

if u cant afford a swimming pool & u live near the airport, paint your grass blue and from the air it will seem as if you have a swimming pool.

Barrump tccchh!!

I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON
I MUST STOP DRINKING BEER IN THE AFTERNOON

ETC ETC..

Fremantleraider

What a great site!
Some really god info here like.............
I didn't know about the e-toll thing
Oh and its a good laugh too
Please keep em comming

kath n kim

Can't believe I've only just found this thread, haven't LAUGHED soo much for AGES!!!
Love it! Can't think right now of any to add that haven't been done already...
Will add when I can, untill then......
Catch ya later.......!!!

Larissa

I never finished this thread until now, as I migrated in the middle... but it's sooo true!
As an Aus newbie, here are my very own contributions (and yes, I do love it here really)
Send your 7/8 year old kids back to nursery, they will only be frustrated when they come to school here. Get them to write really large and not form the loops of their "ps".
Shave off your taste buds with a razor, so that you do not notice the flavourings e.g. strong tasting slush-puppies-at-the-cinema or strange cheese biscuits etc.
Make your own cordial using urine and car antifreeze (makes green, use less urine for the blue type).
Familiarise yourself with pictures of Milton Keynes (sorry!) to get used to some of the newer Perth suburbs. (sorry again!)
Get hold of some banned e numbers and add them to your food. If you can't get hold of them, try speed instead.
If you're vegetarian, buy loads of chicken stock and add it to all your food.
Ask the doctor to give you hormone shots, just to get you used to the rollercoaster ride of emotions, that awaits you with migration.
Call the maintenance man a few days ahead, then wait in all day (for several days) for him to come.
Make sure you take your cooler/chairs etc. (mentioned earlier in the thread) everywhere; you will be considered socially inferior without them.
Make a recipe collection of no-need-to-cook food, or barbecue everything.
To get used to suburban Aus, don't speak to any of your neighbours. Don't get involved in any long conversations when prompted to at the convenience store, they don't really want to speak to you. Just say "Good thanks" even if you're feeling utterly miserable.
Anything over 50 years old is ancient and will be preserved as a national monument. This includes Dame Edna's picnic bench.
Don't go and live in such and such a place as there will be snakes, speak to someone in that place and they will tell you not to live in the other area as there are snakes there.
Honest, I do like it here really!

soapy©

sorry im not gonna let u finish it

take a walk to the nearest lamp post, lie down and wait for the first dog.
this will get you ready for Oz beer

Larissa

Not quite what I meant but I just love killing threads :scared:

Larissa

Oooh oooh oooh, got another one - scraping the barrel a bit, but here goes!
Play with monopoly money to imitate Aus cash. Restrict yourself to 5 withdrawals a month and charge yourself for going over.