Alborg

Just wandered how everybody felt about leaving their parents behind when emmigrating? How do you deal with it and justify your move in your mind knowing that you will probably see them once a year at the most.

I'm 33 and plan to emmigrate on my own (I already have friends in Oz). My parents are 65. I know I'll be happier in Oz but can't help feeling guilty for leaving my mum especially. Afterall noone knows how long their parents will be around for?

Thoughts/suggestions/encouragement welcome.

janjanxx

There's a thread on the forum which gives 100 things to do before you emmigrate.... number one on the list is :

1. Make the decision whether to emmigrate or not ?

Have you?

Sorry ... blunt reply but honest.

Alborg

OK I'll rephrase the question. How do people deal with this when deciding whether to emmigrate or not?

rabsody

I suppose the desire to emigrate and the perceived benefits of that outweigh other areas of your life.

Basically you don't know how you'll handle it and whether it will be worth it until you actually do it.

Pollyana

However much you may plan your migration, it is still sensible to consider this question as part of the planning, rather than not thinking about it until you get here.

janjanxx

Definitely ... that would be my number 1 consideration...

But you either decide to make that move or not....

Damson

I'm interested in the 100 things to do before you emmigrate thread, but can't find it. Would someone mind explaining how I would search for it please.

badassbrickie

Tell your parent of your intentions to emigrate, they make the decision for you. Told mine we were going 18 months ago, and they havnt spoken to me since!!

mum sent me a text yesterday, to let me know it was my "ex dads 60th birthday, not that he wants anything to do with you, just letting you know" and they wonder why were going.

janjanxx

lol I was going to say ... they will encourage you to move and support you... lol I take that back...

badassbrickie

.........normal parents would!! (mine are defo exception to the rule!)

janjanxx

Sounds like it ... so did you wish ex-dad?
lol

Cheetah7

Now theres a question.

When we first decided to emigrate 4 years ago, my parents never even figured in my mind or if they did it was when they featured in my imaginary plans of how I thought I would react when I left them at the security gates when I got on the plane. I would be in tears sometimes when I assumed how I would feel if we ever got our visa.

During those 4 years my Mum died suddenly of lung cancer and it totally rocked my world.

We put our visa application in on Jan 2006 and waited 19 months for a decision - in that time I pushed all thoughts about leaving my Dad.

These thoughts surfaced as time got closer but were never 'real' if you know what I mean.

Then when we got the visa I burst into tears - initially tears of joy and then I was sick (nerves) and then it hit me that I would be leaving my Dad. But it didn't hit me that hard.

Booked the flights and felt devastated but I didn't know why but I felt so devastated it wasn't true.

Dad had 4 years to get used to the idea and he went from being in total denial, to researching every poisonous spider/snake in Australia and phoning me up to warn me. Then he said he would never visit and would go quiet each time Australia was mentioned.

Then came the leaving party - I was stoned out of my head on sleeping tablets that the doctor gave me for not sleeping - stress so didn't have to deal with those pain in the arse emotions. I had started to have dreams about leaving my Dad and they were so hard to deal with.

Then came the day I had to say goodbye to him and that Im afraid was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am quite upset writing this but you did ask how you leave parents behind so I shall tell you.

I was walking towards the station with him and there was an uncomfortable silence. He hugged me and said 'Never forget you have a Daddy in London'. I wanted to cry but I couldn't, hard bitch I was I couldn't cry.

I hugged him at the ticket barriers and said in a fake voice 'I shall give you a call from the hotel' and with that I barged through the barriers and ran on to the train. (Dad later told me 'one minute you were there and the next you were gone' )

I got home and saw my empty little flat with a blow up bed on the floor, mess everywhere, cases everywhere and realised that my life in the UK with my family had in a way gone.

Now that was when it REALLY hit me that I was leaving behind my only remaining parent - I cried for two hours until I was exhausted, I cried for my Mum and I cried for my Dad who I was about to leave and I never ever thought I would stop.

Fast forward nearly 6 months to our new lives in Fremantle.

'People sickness' affected me from the first day. I haven't had time to think too much about it as we came with very little money and I was working after 4 weeks and have been in the same job ever since but at night I still dream of my old Dad standing at the ticket barriers.

My Dad sounds old sometimes on the phone and he hasnt been well and is going into hospital for an operation soon.

I would give anything to have my Mum back yet I left my Dad and nothing or noone could have prepared me for the emotions that came with leaving him and my family. You think you know how you will feel and how you will react but being blunt, you won't know until you do it - noone can tell you how to cope because you won't know until your very own 'parent sickness' kicks in and that is when you realise just how much you love them.

I have dreams that I am trying to run to my Dad and he keeps moving backwards really fast and I can never get him. I dream that I go back to visit him and someone is living in his house and noone knows of him.

If I could change anything, I would have spent more time with him prior to emigrating. I would not have gone on about it when he was clearly having trouble coming to terms with saying goodbye to me. I would have been more patient when he wasn't as chuffed as I was that I was moving.

You get so wrapped up in the whole visa process that you forget others around you. Try and imagine your own kids moving to the other side of the world with the prospect of only seeing them once a year if that. Now add age to that equation - my Dad is 70 next month, so how many years can he fit visits in on his pension?

I would have hugged my Dad more at that station on that day, I would have spent more time with him, I would have looked him in the eye and talked about HIS feelings and not mine for a change and I would have been far more considerate during the whole process.

So why do you leave your parents to emigrate? You do it because they have raised you to be independent and confident enough to take on the world.

How do you leave your parents? You do so with consideration for their emotions and an understanding that it might take them a long time to accept your decision and to 'let go'.

You keep them informed every step of the way, be tolerant that they might not want to eat/live/sleep Australia in the way that you do.

And finally as my friend told me, you don't walk in their shadow - you find your own bit of 'sunshine' to walk in - just remember that it is your life, you will not get a second chance to live it and at the same time you have to understand that you will only ever get one Mum and Dad.

And by striking a healthy balance between your 'one life' and 'one Mum and Dad', you go forward and start your new life by all means, just be prepared that it will be far from easy and the tricks that your emotions can play are not always that nice.

Life is so short and the battle of loving where I live and loving my family is so hard and exhausting.

It is hard, it is painful - is it worth it? Yes, I think it is but noone will ever tell you it is easy.

Good luck.

janjanxx

Blow the socks right off my feet - bring out the tissues... is that a movie script ?? brought tears to my eyes ...

Inviting my Dad over for dinner tonight most definitely ... phewi ... what a story ..

Wendy

Well said Sam

Cheetah7

Not a movie script Im afraid - bloody feels like it sometimes