leaving young kids behind
Jan 18th 2006, 9:17 pm
#1
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 59
leaving young kids behind
Hi,
Is there any one out there leaving behind young Children. My husband has two daughters from his first marriage 13yrs and 11yrs. They live with their Mum so wouldn't be able to come with us. Its a hard decision but hopefully their Mum will let them come and stay in the holidays. We will both miss them like mad although even now we speak and see them mostly on MSN and the web cam, so we chat every day. Still hard leaving them behind though. So any one out there going through the same thing
Chrissie & Tony
Is there any one out there leaving behind young Children. My husband has two daughters from his first marriage 13yrs and 11yrs. They live with their Mum so wouldn't be able to come with us. Its a hard decision but hopefully their Mum will let them come and stay in the holidays. We will both miss them like mad although even now we speak and see them mostly on MSN and the web cam, so we chat every day. Still hard leaving them behind though. So any one out there going through the same thing
Chrissie & Tony
Jan 18th 2006, 10:18 pm
#2
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Mount Tamborine
Posts: 17,426
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by chrissie181
Hi,
Is there any one out there leaving behind young Children. My husband has two daughters from his first marriage 13yrs and 11yrs. They live with their Mum so wouldn't be able to come with us. Its a hard decision but hopefully their Mum will let them come and stay in the holidays. We will both miss them like mad although even now we speak and see them mostly on MSN and the web cam, so we chat every day. Still hard leaving them behind though. So any one out there going through the same thing
Chrissie & Tony
Is there any one out there leaving behind young Children. My husband has two daughters from his first marriage 13yrs and 11yrs. They live with their Mum so wouldn't be able to come with us. Its a hard decision but hopefully their Mum will let them come and stay in the holidays. We will both miss them like mad although even now we speak and see them mostly on MSN and the web cam, so we chat every day. Still hard leaving them behind though. So any one out there going through the same thing
Chrissie & Tony
Must be really tough.
Kath x
Jan 18th 2006, 10:28 pm
#3
Suzy's Mummy too!
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Gold Coast!
Posts: 4,231
Re: leaving young kids behind
I was in the same position but the difference was i was with Dad as my mum & dad had joint custody & dad wouldn't allow me to leave. So my mum left me behind. Please understand that all this was over 20 years ago but please please promise to do one thing my parents never did............... tell the kids exactly why you are doing what you are doing & reassure them that you are not exiting their lives forever...... don't think they are too young to understand!
My parents never "had that talk" with me and as I was so young (12) I picked up on things like 'why did mum leave me?' or 'why did James (my step brother) get to go but I didn't?' To be honest I went thru a lot of years hating mum for leaving me and going to Aus simply because nobody ever thought to tell me that the only reason I didn't go was because my Dad wouldn't allow it.
I only found out the real reason when I was 30 years old!!!!!!!!! I am almost 33 now and my relationship with my Mum is stronger than ever. We are moving out to Australia to be with Mum, or at least down the street so she can see her Grandkids grow up - something that I feel we were both cheated out of.
Incidentally, because I felt this way thru ignorance during my childhood, I didn't see Mum again until I was 19 years old.
Its all water under the bridge now as far as I am concerned, although Mum still gets upset about it - all because my parents thought I was too young to understand why my Mum, Stepdad & step brother wanted to move to Australia. Make sure you make the children fully understand so they do not end up with a shitty experience like mine.
Love,
Claire
My parents never "had that talk" with me and as I was so young (12) I picked up on things like 'why did mum leave me?' or 'why did James (my step brother) get to go but I didn't?' To be honest I went thru a lot of years hating mum for leaving me and going to Aus simply because nobody ever thought to tell me that the only reason I didn't go was because my Dad wouldn't allow it.
I only found out the real reason when I was 30 years old!!!!!!!!! I am almost 33 now and my relationship with my Mum is stronger than ever. We are moving out to Australia to be with Mum, or at least down the street so she can see her Grandkids grow up - something that I feel we were both cheated out of.
Incidentally, because I felt this way thru ignorance during my childhood, I didn't see Mum again until I was 19 years old.
Its all water under the bridge now as far as I am concerned, although Mum still gets upset about it - all because my parents thought I was too young to understand why my Mum, Stepdad & step brother wanted to move to Australia. Make sure you make the children fully understand so they do not end up with a shitty experience like mine.
Love,
Claire
Jan 18th 2006, 10:30 pm
#4
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Nov 2005
Location: at the bottom of a wine glass
Posts: 28,176
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by Jonahs_mummy
I was in the same position but the difference was i was with Dad as my mum & dad had joint custody & dad wouldn't allow me to leave. So my mum left me behind. Please understand that all this was over 20 years ago but please please promise to do one thing my parents never did............... tell the kids exactly why you are doing what you are doing & reassure them that you are not exiting their lives forever...... don't think they are too young to understand!
My parents never "had that talk" with me and as I was so young (12) I picked up on things like 'why did mum leave me?' or 'why did James (my step brother) get to go but I didn't?' To be honest I went thru a lot of years hating mum for leaving me and going to Aus simply because nobody ever thought to tell me that the only reason I didn't go was because my Dad wouldn't allow it.
I only found out the real reason when I was 30 years old!!!!!!!!! I am almost 33 now and my relationship with my Mum is stronger than ever. We are moving out to Australia to be with Mum, or at least down the street so she can see her Grandkids grow up - something that I feel we were both cheated out of.
Incidentally, because I felt this way thru ignorance during my childhood, I didn't see Mum again until I was 19 years old.
Its all water under the bridge now as far as I am concerned, although Mum still gets upset about it - all because my parents thought I was too young to understand why my Mum, Stepdad & step brother wanted to move to Australia. Make sure you make the children fully understand so they do not end up with a shitty experience like mine.
Love,
Claire
My parents never "had that talk" with me and as I was so young (12) I picked up on things like 'why did mum leave me?' or 'why did James (my step brother) get to go but I didn't?' To be honest I went thru a lot of years hating mum for leaving me and going to Aus simply because nobody ever thought to tell me that the only reason I didn't go was because my Dad wouldn't allow it.
I only found out the real reason when I was 30 years old!!!!!!!!! I am almost 33 now and my relationship with my Mum is stronger than ever. We are moving out to Australia to be with Mum, or at least down the street so she can see her Grandkids grow up - something that I feel we were both cheated out of.
Incidentally, because I felt this way thru ignorance during my childhood, I didn't see Mum again until I was 19 years old.
Its all water under the bridge now as far as I am concerned, although Mum still gets upset about it - all because my parents thought I was too young to understand why my Mum, Stepdad & step brother wanted to move to Australia. Make sure you make the children fully understand so they do not end up with a shitty experience like mine.
Love,
Claire
Jan 18th 2006, 10:34 pm
#5
Joined: Dec 2003
Location: Hillarys, Perth
Posts: 3,973
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by Jonahs_mummy
I was in the same position but the difference was i was with Dad as my mum & dad had joint custody & dad wouldn't allow me to leave. So my mum left me behind. Please understand that all this was over 20 years ago but please please promise to do one thing my parents never did............... tell the kids exactly why you are doing what you are doing & reassure them that you are not exiting their lives forever...... don't think they are too young to understand!
My parents never "had that talk" with me and as I was so young (12) I picked up on things like 'why did mum leave me?' or 'why did James (my step brother) get to go but I didn't?' To be honest I went thru a lot of years hating mum for leaving me and going to Aus simply because nobody ever thought to tell me that the only reason I didn't go was because my Dad wouldn't allow it.
I only found out the real reason when I was 30 years old!!!!!!!!! I am almost 33 now and my relationship with my Mum is stronger than ever. We are moving out to Australia to be with Mum, or at least down the street so she can see her Grandkids grow up - something that I feel we were both cheated out of.
Incidentally, because I felt this way thru ignorance during my childhood, I didn't see Mum again until I was 19 years old.
Its all water under the bridge now as far as I am concerned, although Mum still gets upset about it - all because my parents thought I was too young to understand why my Mum, Stepdad & step brother wanted to move to Australia. Make sure you make the children fully understand so they do not end up with a shitty experience like mine.
Love,
Claire
My parents never "had that talk" with me and as I was so young (12) I picked up on things like 'why did mum leave me?' or 'why did James (my step brother) get to go but I didn't?' To be honest I went thru a lot of years hating mum for leaving me and going to Aus simply because nobody ever thought to tell me that the only reason I didn't go was because my Dad wouldn't allow it.
I only found out the real reason when I was 30 years old!!!!!!!!! I am almost 33 now and my relationship with my Mum is stronger than ever. We are moving out to Australia to be with Mum, or at least down the street so she can see her Grandkids grow up - something that I feel we were both cheated out of.
Incidentally, because I felt this way thru ignorance during my childhood, I didn't see Mum again until I was 19 years old.
Its all water under the bridge now as far as I am concerned, although Mum still gets upset about it - all because my parents thought I was too young to understand why my Mum, Stepdad & step brother wanted to move to Australia. Make sure you make the children fully understand so they do not end up with a shitty experience like mine.
Love,
Claire
But you dont blame your dad do you?
Jan 18th 2006, 10:52 pm
#6
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2005
Location: In a house
Posts: 2,590
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by chrissie181
Hi,
Is there any one out there leaving behind young Children. My husband has two daughters from his first marriage 13yrs and 11yrs. They live with their Mum so wouldn't be able to come with us. Its a hard decision but hopefully their Mum will let them come and stay in the holidays. We will both miss them like mad although even now we speak and see them mostly on MSN and the web cam, so we chat every day. Still hard leaving them behind though. So any one out there going through the same thing
Chrissie & Tony
Is there any one out there leaving behind young Children. My husband has two daughters from his first marriage 13yrs and 11yrs. They live with their Mum so wouldn't be able to come with us. Its a hard decision but hopefully their Mum will let them come and stay in the holidays. We will both miss them like mad although even now we speak and see them mostly on MSN and the web cam, so we chat every day. Still hard leaving them behind though. So any one out there going through the same thing
Chrissie & Tony
Jan 19th 2006, 1:43 am
#7
Retired
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 34,649
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by Australia_bound?
Why not give them the choice of where they want to be? You're not banned from taking them and I'd say both are old enough to decide. At the very least take them for meds and include on the visa application then they can make a choice in their own time. I think to totally exclude them you'd need to do a (i think it's called) stat dec, which means you can't get them out at a later date.
It is possible for children who are not included on the visa application to do medicals anyway - in fact DIMIA expect this, and only give an exemption in cases where this is not possible.
If they do medicals at the time of migration then it's straightforward to sponsor them later on. Under current law it's easy to sponsor for a child visa until they get to age 18, then it gets hard to do so.
Jeremy
Jan 19th 2006, 1:50 am
#8
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: Sydney but also lived in Melbourne
Posts: 221
Re: leaving young kids behind
I am in the same boat. Mine are 11 and 9 and their mum would not let them have a medical as she says it is her right to refuse!!! A stat dec was not enough and I had to get a letter signed by her confirming her refusal. Put as much as you can in the application and when you are assigned a CO, if they ask for anything you can't provide then just say so, they understand. Our CO originally asked for a stat dec from her but this was changed to a letter.
As to what to tell them as someone else said be TOTALLY HONEST. I had the question, why and thought about it a lot and told them to total truth and we now get on really well.
We have now moved to Melbourne and arrange to talk to the kids 2-3 times a week either on Messenger or Skype. We just arrange the next time to talk each time we are online.
They can still see us virtually and re visits when we talked about coming out here, we said about them coming out, they are both eager and when we sort out a time, we will all have to talk to their mum.
If you want to know more, then do PM me but yes it is the hardest thing in the world to say good bye.....
As to what to tell them as someone else said be TOTALLY HONEST. I had the question, why and thought about it a lot and told them to total truth and we now get on really well.
We have now moved to Melbourne and arrange to talk to the kids 2-3 times a week either on Messenger or Skype. We just arrange the next time to talk each time we are online.
They can still see us virtually and re visits when we talked about coming out here, we said about them coming out, they are both eager and when we sort out a time, we will all have to talk to their mum.
If you want to know more, then do PM me but yes it is the hardest thing in the world to say good bye.....
Jan 19th 2006, 6:27 am
#9
Suzy's Mummy too!
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Gold Coast!
Posts: 4,231
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by Siren & Brian
But you dont blame your dad do you?
I think it is because by the time I found out I was older & wiser........
Jan 19th 2006, 6:28 am
#10
Suzy's Mummy too!
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Gold Coast!
Posts: 4,231
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by WendyC
Oh Claire, don't know what to say.
Jan 23rd 2006, 4:07 pm
#11
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 59
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by Australia_bound?
Why not give them the choice of where they want to be? You're not banned from taking them and I'd say both are old enough to decide. At the very least take them for meds and include on the visa application then they can make a choice in their own time. I think to totally exclude them you'd need to do a (i think it's called) stat dec, which means you can't get them out at a later date. Get your hubby to talk to his kids they deserve to know whats going on and to be able to make a choice. Much better then saying oh well you live with your mum and that's it.
Yeah your right they are old enough to decide. I know they would never leave their Mum though, but I guess the point is to let them know they have a choice.
We are definitely having their medicals done because you never know what might happen in the future If their Mum couldn't look after them or was to die or something :scared:
Jan 23rd 2006, 4:26 pm
#12
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 59
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by andrewb
I am in the same boat. Mine are 11 and 9 and their mum would not let them have a medical as she says it is her right to refuse!!! A stat dec was not enough and I had to get a letter signed by her confirming her refusal. Put as much as you can in the application and when you are assigned a CO, if they ask for anything you can't provide then just say so, they understand. Our CO originally asked for a stat dec from her but this was changed to a letter.
As to what to tell them as someone else said be TOTALLY HONEST. I had the question, why and thought about it a lot and told them to total truth and we now get on really well.
We have now moved to Melbourne and arrange to talk to the kids 2-3 times a week either on Messenger or Skype. We just arrange the next time to talk each time we are online.
They can still see us virtually and re visits when we talked about coming out here, we said about them coming out, they are both eager and when we sort out a time, we will all have to talk to their mum.
If you want to know more, then do PM me but yes it is the hardest thing in the world to say good bye.....
As to what to tell them as someone else said be TOTALLY HONEST. I had the question, why and thought about it a lot and told them to total truth and we now get on really well.
We have now moved to Melbourne and arrange to talk to the kids 2-3 times a week either on Messenger or Skype. We just arrange the next time to talk each time we are online.
They can still see us virtually and re visits when we talked about coming out here, we said about them coming out, they are both eager and when we sort out a time, we will all have to talk to their mum.
If you want to know more, then do PM me but yes it is the hardest thing in the world to say good bye.....
Thanks for your thoughts on this. Its so blinking hard. Its bad enough for my husband (Their Dad) I'm just the step mum but I love them so much. Like you say though we have to just be honest and have a good talk openly with them. How long before you emigrated did you speak to them?
We are going to have their medicals done anyway but not sure as to how to tackle that either. We haven told their Mum yet we are going and will have to speak to the kids first as their Mum will definitely put the knife in and tell them Daddy is deserting them.
Once we do leave we will keep up the chats on MAN/Web cam etc. Their Dad talks to them on this every day now anyway as soon as they get back from school. I suppose I worst worry is Their Mum will stop them coming out to see us in the holidays. We have to keep telling ourselves they are 11yrs & 13yrs and she wont always be able to control weather they come and see us or not.
thanks again
Chrissie
Jan 23rd 2006, 4:40 pm
#13
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 59
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by Jonahs_mummy
I was in the same position but the difference was i was with Dad as my mum & dad had joint custody & dad wouldn't allow me to leave. So my mum left me behind. Please understand that all this was over 20 years ago but please please promise to do one thing my parents never did............... tell the kids exactly why you are doing what you are doing & reassure them that you are not exiting their lives forever...... don't think they are too young to understand!
My parents never "had that talk" with me and as I was so young (12) I picked up on things like 'why did mum leave me?' or 'why did James (my step brother) get to go but I didn't?' To be honest I went thru a lot of years hating mum for leaving me and going to Aus simply because nobody ever thought to tell me that the only reason I didn't go was because my Dad wouldn't allow it.
I only found out the real reason when I was 30 years old!!!!!!!!! I am almost 33 now and my relationship with my Mum is stronger than ever. We are moving out to Australia to be with Mum, or at least down the street so she can see her Grandkids grow up - something that I feel we were both cheated out of.
Incidentally, because I felt this way thru ignorance during my childhood, I didn't see Mum again until I was 19 years old.
Its all water under the bridge now as far as I am concerned, although Mum still gets upset about it - all because my parents thought I was too young to understand why my Mum, Stepdad & step brother wanted to move to Australia. Make sure you make the children fully understand so they do not end up with a shitty experience like mine.
Love,
Claire
My parents never "had that talk" with me and as I was so young (12) I picked up on things like 'why did mum leave me?' or 'why did James (my step brother) get to go but I didn't?' To be honest I went thru a lot of years hating mum for leaving me and going to Aus simply because nobody ever thought to tell me that the only reason I didn't go was because my Dad wouldn't allow it.
I only found out the real reason when I was 30 years old!!!!!!!!! I am almost 33 now and my relationship with my Mum is stronger than ever. We are moving out to Australia to be with Mum, or at least down the street so she can see her Grandkids grow up - something that I feel we were both cheated out of.
Incidentally, because I felt this way thru ignorance during my childhood, I didn't see Mum again until I was 19 years old.
Its all water under the bridge now as far as I am concerned, although Mum still gets upset about it - all because my parents thought I was too young to understand why my Mum, Stepdad & step brother wanted to move to Australia. Make sure you make the children fully understand so they do not end up with a shitty experience like mine.
Love,
Claire
Ho my God you went through it!
Well thanks for your thoughts on this and its really good to see what can happen if were not totally open with the Girls.
We are going to give them the choice even though we know there is no way they would leave their Mum, but just so they know they could if they really wanted. At least their is web cams and MSN instant messaging now so we wont seem so far away. It must have been so hard for you and your Mum.
A lot of what happens will be in the hands of their Mum and how she handles it once we gone. If she wants to be spiteful to us, it will ruin their lives just as much. Unfortunately some people just like control over others
Thanks again
Chrissie
Jan 23rd 2006, 5:18 pm
#14
Suzy's Mummy too!
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Gold Coast!
Posts: 4,231
Re: leaving young kids behind
Well Chrissie I hope EVERYTHING goes well for you all & I send much love to you all for the future......
Claire
x
Claire
x
Originally Posted by chrissie181
Ho my God you went through it!
Well thanks for your thoughts on this and its really good to see what can happen if were not totally open with the Girls.
We are going to give them the choice even though we know there is no way they would leave their Mum, but just so they know they could if they really wanted. At least their is web cams and MSN instant messaging now so we wont seem so far away. It must have been so hard for you and your Mum.
A lot of what happens will be in the hands of their Mum and how she handles it once we gone. If she wants to be spiteful to us, it will ruin their lives just as much. Unfortunately some people just like control over others
Thanks again
Chrissie
Well thanks for your thoughts on this and its really good to see what can happen if were not totally open with the Girls.
We are going to give them the choice even though we know there is no way they would leave their Mum, but just so they know they could if they really wanted. At least their is web cams and MSN instant messaging now so we wont seem so far away. It must have been so hard for you and your Mum.
A lot of what happens will be in the hands of their Mum and how she handles it once we gone. If she wants to be spiteful to us, it will ruin their lives just as much. Unfortunately some people just like control over others
Thanks again
Chrissie
Jan 23rd 2006, 6:06 pm
#15
visa holder
Joined: Jan 2006
Location: Thornlands, Bayside
Posts: 1,964
Re: leaving young kids behind
Originally Posted by chrissie181
Hi
Thanks for your thoughts on this. Its so blinking hard. Its bad enough for my husband (Their Dad) I'm just the step mum but I love them so much. Like you say though we have to just be honest and have a good talk openly with them. How long before you emigrated did you speak to them?
We are going to have their medicals done anyway but not sure as to how to tackle that either. We haven told their Mum yet we are going and will have to speak to the kids first as their Mum will definitely put the knife in and tell them Daddy is deserting them.
Once we do leave we will keep up the chats on MAN/Web cam etc. Their Dad talks to them on this every day now anyway as soon as they get back from school. I suppose I worst worry is Their Mum will stop them coming out to see us in the holidays. We have to keep telling ourselves they are 11yrs & 13yrs and she wont always be able to control weather they come and see us or not.
thanks again
Chrissie
Thanks for your thoughts on this. Its so blinking hard. Its bad enough for my husband (Their Dad) I'm just the step mum but I love them so much. Like you say though we have to just be honest and have a good talk openly with them. How long before you emigrated did you speak to them?
We are going to have their medicals done anyway but not sure as to how to tackle that either. We haven told their Mum yet we are going and will have to speak to the kids first as their Mum will definitely put the knife in and tell them Daddy is deserting them.
Once we do leave we will keep up the chats on MAN/Web cam etc. Their Dad talks to them on this every day now anyway as soon as they get back from school. I suppose I worst worry is Their Mum will stop them coming out to see us in the holidays. We have to keep telling ourselves they are 11yrs & 13yrs and she wont always be able to control weather they come and see us or not.
thanks again
Chrissie
My other half has an 11 year old son who lives with his mum too. We have told him we are aiming for Oz and he understands. He says he will come out to us as soon as he can and is even planning his bedroom! His mum will definately not let us take him for medicals though. She says we need to grow up because we want to go
Like you say she wont always be able to control him. Though she ll do the same and say we've left him!! Jx