German Dave

This has probably been done a thousand times on here....

My Wife, 8 month old Daughter & I fly out to begin our new life in Adelaide on Sept 12th. We consider ourselves well informed and reasonably well prepared for the upheaval, we've even thought ahead and bought a house over there ready for us to move into when we land. We've been regular visitors for a number of years and I've worked over there as well.

Nothing, but nothing though - has prepared me for what is happening in my Wife's family. She's an only child, and her parents have recently been blessed with their first (as yet, only) Grandchild. They are absolutely dotty about her (our Daughter) and also very attached to their Daughter (my Wife) as well.

We've planned this meticulously over a number of years, and so far everything has gone pretty smoothly. Until now, when I finally have my conscience to deal with........

I'm looking forward to starting our new life - really - but I really do fear the worst as regards my In-Laws. They're coming to visit in December but I wonder sometimes if that will make things worse.

I'm English by the way, my Wife German (fluent English speaker) - my In-Laws German who speak little English. And yes, we already know about the German Community Club on Flinders Street........!

There must be a load of you out there in a similar situation who might have a few tips. Believe me I'm wracked with guilt but I know more than anything we have to do it.....

Tips and advice please.....

Cheers -

Dave.

FishOil

My advice? Don't worry about it. And thats experience talking.

ozzieclare2b

We are having prob with the in-laws too. It has really hit home that we are going (visa pending) since we sold the house. MIL isnt happy one bit and keeps crying when we mention it , you see it took us 4 yrs and one ivf later to have her first grandchild and shes made it very clear we are being very selfish for taking him away. SIL has said similar too. We are hoping to be out there by june next year.

I understand its going to be hard , it makes me feel so so guilty for depriving them but the reality is she never really bothers with him, never offers to come see him or have him (unless i ask). Hubby doesnt feel guilty at all just me really so i understand where your coming from. She is adamant they wont be visitng too.

I am sure as things get nearer she will change her mind, but your not alone xxclare

OzWannabee

I brought my 4 children to Australia 18 months ago. They saw my parents most weekends and I wondered if I was doing the right thing. They are their only grandchildren and I knew it was going to leave a huge gap in their lives. I know they were dreading it even though they encouraged us to come and follow our dream!

Now we are here they have been over 3 times already. After their first visit they could see how it was the right move for us and how happy we are. The children are really settled and have a much better life in Oz. At the end of the day they just want us to be happy. They applied for a temporary retirement visa which has allowed them to buy a small unit over here so they can come for longer. My mum has also gone to college to learn how to use the internet and a webcam so she can see the children whenever she wants to!

Now I wish I hadn't spent so much time worrying about it and just enjoyed the experience of moving!!

camacazi

we are the same.

went through awful rows with my mother about us being selfish and taking her grandchildren away! She also said she would never be over to see us because she's afraid of flying (i think it's more to doing without a cig for at least 12 hours!)yet she can visit ny sister in spain!!

She has now calmed down a good bit after loads of tears and says of course she will come and see us.
I told her we would give her our computer when we left and get her a web cam & she can talk to us whenever she wants!

she keeps saying "you are't there yet!" and i think she has it in her head that we won't get our visa, so we'll probably go through the same again when we get it!

try not to worry about it. Things always work out ok in the end.

German Dave

I'm watching all these replies. Don't be offended that I'm not responding to all of them...... Thanks everyone.....

Cheers -

Dave.

biggy

This is going to sound really harsh, but it is my opinion.

You cant put your life on hold to please other family members. You have to do what is right for your family unit (you, your wife and your daughter). Don't feel guilty about wanting to do what you feel is best for your family, instead enjoy the time you have with the rellies until you leave. Life doesnt stand still, people move on. people are not around for ever, and if you were to hold back to please them....what happens when they aint here anymore......you feel guilty at not doing what you had wanted for your family unit!!!!!!! and you may have lost the chance to do it.............So give yourself a kick up the coyte and enjoy your new journey

German Dave

Cheers. Just what I've been telling myself actually. Nice to hear it from someone else!

It don't make it any easier though!

brissydeb

I moved back to Glasgow 7 years ago to be closer to family, now I am am the only one left here. Our closet family are now a hours drive away! It is true that you have to think of yourself and your family. You never know, your OH family may decide to move over to Oz in the next few years.

Debbie

ozzieclare2b

To be honest this is how we both feel really, you only get one life and to be frank if we wait around we may not get it or want it in the future. Hubby feels completely like you, i do 95% of the time just that 5% which makes me feel guilty.

having said that my parents are very supportive. I do alot for them as dad has parkinsons, but they have said similar, not to put life on hiod etc. My dads bro is in Adelaide where we are going, think also my parents understand as they moved from ireland away from their family in the 1950s ok maybe not as far but still an upheaval for a better life.

Still difficut though xx clare

biggy

It is difficult but it gets better...you soon realise that as well as you moving on they also move on. The phone calls and letters get less frequent and life goes on. All the best in your new life xxx

Stella340

I wholeheartedly agree! What is important is your family unit. There'll always be 'what ifs' whatever you choose.

comet555

No point in worrying about it....whatever is going to happen will.

Before we left Canada my mother-in-law kept casually trying to talk us out of it and laying the guilt on pretty thick. We took their only two grandchildren (ages about 4 and 1 years old) with us, so they were not pleased.

Finally my brother in law said something to them that really helped. He told them that if she succeeded in convincing us to stay we would probably always resent them for it. She might be happy but we wouldn't, knowing we never gave it a go. Only then did she realize that we needed to go ahead with our plans and that she should stop interfering.

Since then I must say my mother-in-law has been great. She handled a lot of our loose ends in Canada and she will be coming out for her first visit just before Christmas. She still send 1-2 cards a week to my daughter that say she misses her so much. I truly don't think that's a guilt thing, we got those in Canada too just not so often.

Anyway, you can't control the way your families think and behave. You can only hope that they support you as best they can. In the end you are living with just your family, not your parents, so as long as you guys are happy it will be all right.

Princess Leia

I agree with this however at the same time I would allow the inlaws the space to grieve what they are going to lose. Don't try and argue back or reason with them, just accept their reaction as being normal for grandparents in that situation. I have an only child too and she'll probably be the only child (not from choice) and I imagine that if our daughter did that I would experience the same feelings. It's not wrong for them to feel that way, grief is actually a normal part of the process of getting to acceptance.

mand8002

We had grief off my mum when we came over. She has been to visit and was determined to not like it. The worst is this though, our daughter has just got married (last weekend) and my mum decided she was not coming for the wedding............she did not even phone her grandaughter before she got married to wish her well. My daughter was so upset. She has not even rung to see how it went. This in some respects does not surprise me as it is always me that has to do the ringing, anyone would think her phone does not make outgoing calls. I have emailed her some photos as I can't ring her yet as I am too upset and could say something I regret.