Leaving family

Old Mar 27th 2012, 9:54 pm
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Default Leaving family

A little upset tonight.

We're going away with my dad (his wife won't go) soon up North - near Holy Island. Really looking forward to it but get the impression it's not his decision to only spend 5 days instead of the whole week with us - that sounds a little ungrateful as I'm really looking forward to spending time with him before we move to Australia.

Was on the phone to my mum tonight and months ago they'd booked to stay for a week in Wales late May time, it sleeps 8 so tons of room and i said if we paid the difference - we'd like to spend a week away with them? They sounded really up for it until tonight! She couldn't have sounded less interested .
We've not seen them for weeks as they've been having their bathroom re-done.
Was really looking to a break with them and so were the kids!

My heart says just play it by ear for now but part of me is really cross as they have been known to dangle a string and then change their mind before and I don't like games!

Apologies for having a moan just wondered if any of you got similar treatment from your families before you left for Australia and what you did about it?
As its just made us both feel a bit awkward with them now :$
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 12:53 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Guilt trip before we went out, now only one sister and my Dad bother with us and even now the relationship with Dad and myself is changing drastically.

You have to do what is right for you and your family and take no responsibility for the actions of other people - they choose those actions, they choose their behaviour and you can choose to respond with dignity.

If you put the ball in their court and they are not interested, then you have done what you can - leave them to deal with their own behaviour.

You have enough to worry about.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 1:08 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Families are notorious for having difficulties dealing with their feelings about you immigrating... Some behave REALLY badly

Dont be too harsh, its hard for them... And dont be too crushed because this is NORMAL.... Kind of like a premature grieving for their loss.. If you see what I mean...

Play it by ear.. Make it known that you would live to spend this time with them before you immigrate but you understand if it would be too hard for them...
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 1:24 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Jeez, if I had a dollar for every time someone's had this issue I'd be very rich. Unfortunately it's the price many of us pay for upping sticks and moving away. If you're really hurt by it, then say something. Explain that their behaviour is hurting you, that you know you're hurting them by moving but you have to think of your immediate family and what's right for them first. That you want happy memories, not bitter ones and surely they feel the same way. Let them know what the guilt trip feels like.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 4:25 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Sometimes it's hard to be the one who's leaving but it's much harder to be the one who's getting left behind.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 5:24 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Originally Posted by carzinoz
Sometimes it's hard to be the one who's leaving but it's much harder to be the one who's getting left behind.
I totally agree, you are going off for a new adventure whereas the loved ones you are leaving behind are just going to be left with a loss. Im a little like this in reverse when my mother comes to visit me in Oz, the last day or so of her visit I find it quite difficult to act normal and be around her, as all im thinking about is ''you're going to be gone soon'' and im feeling quite upset and trying to hide it ( I am a very emotional person though!).

Maybe they're a little reluctant because they know for that last time together all they will be thinking about is the fact that you are going away soon and may find it hard to enjoy themselves and put on a brave face.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 6:56 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Originally Posted by carzinoz
Sometimes it's hard to be the one who's leaving but it's much harder to be the one who's getting left behind.
Absolutely right!

People cope with their losses the only way they know how - and if you dont like it, well, tough! Of course they are not necessarily going to be rational, grief isnt a rational process and if you take offence, well, that's your problem.

A lot of people know that there is going to be a gaping hole in their lives and that they wont see kids or grandkids again for a while (if ever) so they dont want to get any closer because they know they are going to lose that connection.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 7:12 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Sounds indeed like you would be a very rich lady MoneyPenny20?

Perhaps I maybe am being a little unreasonable and selfish, the trouble I have with her is she likes to have things her way all the time!
An I feel every relationship is give an take, my gut feeling says she's going to want to leave it to the last minute and decide - but that doesn't work for us with everything going on as we are fairly sure that would be our last week in the UK and we are looking at booking flights and shipping in the next couple of weeks!
I'm nearly convinced that if we say ok we won't come on holiday with you I'll get major guilt tripped - I'm not very good at that.
An the last few weeks I've got it a lot from her!
It's very hard when she's on the phone crying and pleading please don't go.
An I worry she will upset the children who are all doing well so far even if my daughter hasn't quite got the hang of saying Australia.
It's Abbravia he he he he

Perhaps I'm lucky - she is the only major hurdle really, it might sound cruel but the general behaviour makes it quite easy for me to leave.
If a friend is over - she won't take my call, or see us, if they are having work done I only get a call if it's going wrong, it's a waste of time calling as she speaks to the builders more than me whose left hanging on the phone!
She wants to be in control of when they visit and a few weeks ago decided next time they come they HAVE to stay over or they won't visit eek?

Sorry to waffle I just find her very up an down and wanting to control every situation. I think she has always been this way but I possibly am noticing it more as theres lots going on and I could do without her trying to call all the shots!

Last edited by Butterfly Bokeh; Mar 28th 2012 at 7:15 am.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 7:19 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Originally Posted by quoll
Absolutely right!

People cope with their losses the only way they know how - and if you dont like it, well, tough! Of course they are not necessarily going to be rational, grief isnt a rational process and if you take offence, well, that's your problem.

A lot of people know that there is going to be a gaping hole in their lives and that they wont see kids or grandkids again for a while (if ever) so they dont want to get any closer because they know they are going to lose that connection.
Did you just deal with any and every difficult behaviour from your family?
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 7:22 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Originally Posted by Butterfly Bokeh
Sounds indeed like you would be a very rich lady MoneyPenny20?

Perhaps I maybe am being a little unreasonable and selfish, the trouble I have with her is she likes to have things her way all the time!
An I feel every relationship is give an take, my gut feeling says she's going to want to leave it to the last minute and decide - but that doesn't work for us with everything going on as we are fairly sure that would be our last week in the UK and we are looking at booking flights and shipping in the next couple of weeks!
I'm nearly convinced that if we say ok we won't come on holiday with you I'll get major guilt tripped - I'm not very good at that.
An the last few weeks I've got it a lot from her!
It's very hard when she's on the phone crying and pleading please don't go.
An I worry she will upset the children who are all doing well so far even if my daughter hasn't quite got the hang of saying Australia.
It's Abbravia he he he he

Perhaps I'm lucky - she is the only major hurdle really, it might sound cruel but the general behaviour makes it quite easy for me to leave.
If a friend is over - she won't take my call, or see us, if they are having work done I only get a call if it's going wrong, it's a waste of time calling as she speaks to the builders more than me whose left hanging on the phone!
She wants to be in control of when they visit and a few weeks ago decided next time they come they HAVE to stay over or they won't visit eek?

Sorry to waffle I just find her very up an down and wanting to control every situation. I think she has always been this way but I possibly am noticing it more as theres lots going on and I could do without her trying to call all the shots!
You're leaving her soon, so my thoughts would be just to let it slide.

When you're living on the other side of the World, you will realize just what an impact your decision to leave will have on your family which remains in the UK (and the family you bring with you to Australia).

Bear in mind, this family being torn business will be with you for the rest of your life and it will be particularly hard when someone becomes seriously ill.

I wish you all the best, but speaking from experience, what you're going through is just the tip of the iceberg.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 7:32 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Sounds like my mum, wasn't really interested in anything about where we were going, we went round a couple of days before leaving and still nothing. Then we were at relatives and my mum and dad turned up and she got upset. Talk about timing. Been here 3 months and only spoke to them a handful of times since.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 7:34 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

If it was your kids moving to the other side of the World, without you, how would you feel?
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 7:47 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Originally Posted by brissybee
If it was your kids moving to the other side of the World, without you, how would you feel?
I have asked myself that - we have teenagers and I know they'll want to fly the nest sooner or later.

I'd be sad of course, but I'd want to spend as much time with my children as possible.
My dad I think is a bit more of this sort of mind sight, and I relate to it more easily.

Family have all moved away - not another country but it's made it harder to visit, it was sad to see them go but they made the best decision for them and have been happier.
Family have passed away and it was hard to see them deteriorate and slip away, would have been much easier to not visit but did the right thing for them and held their hand kissed their head and tried to make their last moments a they wanted them.

Maybe it is my problem to overcome. I was just searching for some inspiration as to how to deal with it best.
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 8:23 am
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Default Re: Leaving family

Originally Posted by Butterfly Bokeh
Did you just deal with any and every difficult behaviour from your family?
Didnt have any with my folk, they were just shrug and get on with it kind of people.

Biggest problem I have now is with my daughter in law who has a degree in guilting inherited from her mother who is a control freak with a PhD in it. We have moved away from our grandkids (other side of the world LOL) and she is the one guilting us "what about X and Y, they miss you so much" blah blah. My solution - turn off Skype when I am on the computer - she was using us as "baby sitters" for the eldest via Skype would you believe. She is really saying "you arent here to be at my beck and call as surrogate parents" - which is what happened for us last year (son was away much of the time building their house in the bush, which they are now not going to live in anyway!!).

Her problem, I cant be dealing with it and it is quite alien to me that anyone would need to be that controlling. However, people do cope with their grief at loss in a whole range of ways - I guess turning Skype off for me is also a way of coping with my grief at not being able to give the grandkids a hug - I am far better when they are out of sight and out of mind, makes their absence much easier to handle. We talk to them occasionally of course but not constantly!
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Old Mar 28th 2012, 5:54 pm
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Default Re: Leaving family

Originally Posted by quoll
Didnt have any with my folk, they were just shrug and get on with it kind of people.

Biggest problem I have now is with my daughter in law who has a degree in guilting inherited from her mother who is a control freak with a PhD in it. We have moved away from our grandkids (other side of the world LOL) and she is the one guilting us "what about X and Y, they miss you so much" blah blah. My solution - turn off Skype when I am on the computer - she was using us as "baby sitters" for the eldest via Skype would you believe. She is really saying "you arent here to be at my beck and call as surrogate parents" - which is what happened for us last year (son was away much of the time building their house in the bush, which they are now not going to live in anyway!!).

Her problem, I cant be dealing with it and it is quite alien to me that anyone would need to be that controlling. However, people do cope with their grief at loss in a whole range of ways - I guess turning Skype off for me is also a way of coping with my grief at not being able to give the grandkids a hug - I am far better when they are out of sight and out of mind, makes their absence much easier to handle. We talk to them occasionally of course but not constantly!
I think perhaps that's the angle I relate to, I don't guilt trip family as like you were saying that's alien to me and I find it quite hard to relate to that as no matter how I feel about a situation I see it as being potentially harmful to the other person and the relationship to put guilt onto another person for their actions.

I would like to say thanks for all your help and please understand we have put a lot of thought into the move whilst trying to make family feel as comfortable as we can about the whole situation.
However you have all made me look a bit further into it and we perhaps haven't helped ourselves in years gone by as we have always been there for our families, through sickness and health, good times and bad if you like, and there have been several occasions our families have come before our own, however we have been unsettled here for some time and have become to a great extent self sufficient as a family, yet we have felt for a while that we do need to live our life a bit more for the kids and us.
Neither set of parents are particularly old though and while I appreciate that anything can happen and we could be the other side of the world a few deaths in the family in the past couple of years have made us realize that we need to live life as fully as we can.

What we have decided to do and have put to my mum and her husband is that we will aim to rent a holiday cottage for the same week not too far from them, as we would like to go to Wales anyway before we go, it is then up to them if they want to meet up whilst we're there. An we will go with a few things planned for the children and then play the rest by ear.

I do need to switch off to a certain extent as we have made our decision to move which we feel is in the best interest of our family, and I do have an aversion to guilt trips, but maybe I will employ a little distraction and diversion tactics like we do with the kids ?

Thanks for the varied points of view, though some seemed to come across as a little sharp I think they all have some valid points.
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