RAG62

Hi,

I am sure this is a big issue for many people that have emigrated to the UK. It is currently at the forefront of my mind at the moment.

My parents are in their late 80s and over the past few years their health has deteriorated, particularly my Dad who is suffering from the 3 critical diseases - Ca, diabetes and heart disease. He really is not well at the moment. Mum struggles on her pins and can be a forgetful.

Due to our age, (now over 45) this is our last chance to emigrate to Australia and we have booked our flights for January (before my Dad got seriously ill). As you can imagine the big question was / is: do we stay in the UK or fulfil our ambition of going to Australia? By booking our tickets I have answered my own question but it still preys on my mind that I am being a cad of the highest order. (I am the only child).

The reasons for going ahead were that my parents could live for another 10+ years, our 3 children will have a chance to live in a new country and of course we get the opportunity of a "new life". My parents said previously they wish they had the chance of doing the same when they were younger and so supported our decision initially. But as the deparure time approaches my Mum has said she wishes we were not going. Our children are also as concerned - "who will look after Granny & Grandad?".

We have taken steps to ensure that they will have all available care required (they live in their own home at the moment) but it is not the same as having the support of your son and d-in-law.

How have others coped in a similar situation?

Richard

Petals

It is extremely hard and we are the meat in the sandwich, elderly parents and family of our own to look after and what to do. I keep an eye on my mum now who is 90 but it would have been an easy decision to up sticks and leave my parents as they did the same to me on several occasions once I was grown up.

I look at it the way I would feel as I am a migrant here, I have my Mum who is 90 and my brother who I see on odd occasion, have two children and my other half. For instance other half has just been ill and we thought he may have had a terminal illness but turns out he was ok thank goodness. Son lives away from Melbourne, daughter may be returning to the UK to work and live and do whatever she wants so if things had been bad I would have been on my own eventually and what would I feel. I would be ok as I have friends of my own age and if I go doola I will not know anyway and someone will do something about the old bird next door etc I would not move to be near my children they have their own lives and I have had mine that is the way I look at it I just want them to be happy.

quoll

It isnt easy. I'm an only and my parents are in their mid 80s. Dad was OK until he fell and broke his ankle while mowing the lawn a few weeks ago but mum is increasingly tottery. I worry like hell about them but they are independent and feisty old folk and fortunately for me they have absolutely brilliant neighbours and my son, who has migrated back to UK, had a month's holiday and shacked up with them for the duration and helped them out while dad was in the first stages of ankle recovery. Dad wont be able to drive for another week and the last couple of weeks since DS left has been tricky for them. I did think of going home to help them over the hiatus but they said not to bother so I havent.

Personally I would much prefer to be home with them but being married to an Aussie whose own mother is well over 90 and increasingly frail, one or other of us is going to be on the wrong side of the world and he wont leave.

I guess it all depends on why you want to come to Australia. I wouldnt be moving to the other side of the world in search of a dream - it's just another country with more sun and there is nothing magical about its future for the kids so if you come, come because you are offered an opportunity not to be missed. You will probably, like the rest of us, develop a bit of a thick skin because that is the only way to protect yourself against the guilt of taking away your family's only family - if you cant grow that sense of selfishness/self centredness (and I dont mean that in a derogatory kind of way) then you will find it hard to enjoy life here.

Like Petals, I would never expect my kids to hang around to look after me and neither would I follow them around the world but I would hope for the occasional visit!

Good luck!

innojuk

We have the same situation with my in laws, recenlty complicated by the birth of our son, their first grandchild.

My parents aren't too bad as they are out of the country themselves for 8 months of the year so they can't really complain.

My wifes P's are both a few years older than my parents and her Dad in particular is suffering with his health at the moment.

Although it's harsh my view is that they have had their life and it is now our time to live ours in a way that best suits us and our son. We could hang on and wait till they die but that could be 20 years from now by which time our lives are coming towards the end.

It's not an easy decision and I know that it is going to be the biggest stumbling block for my wife when it comes time to get on the plane and it will also be the most likely cause of her being unhappy once there.

jeppy

Hey rag , im pretty sure the best thing for you to do is to just activate your visa , you only have to spend the last 2 years of the visa in australia .
my brother in law did not even do that he came and went as and when he pleased contracting all over the world and not even living in oz ,
He did how ever start to work nomally but couldnt make enough money hence working abroad .
Before his 5 year visa was up he re applied for a new one and managed to get it through the skin of his teeth ,how i dont know, may be cos he did purchase a property and also start his self employed business initally in oz .

morrisj3

One of the reasons we have delayed going was because of my dad (81, stroke, heart condition + many other problems). He was badly disabled and had to go in a home as neither my sister or I could look after him. It increasingly appeared that he did not register my visits, but I felt I owed it to my sister to remain here to support her with it all.

He died in January this year. If he hadn't, I would have been completely torn as to what to do, and understand fully the dilemma that people face.

Not an easy decision to make, but now that I can be objective about it, I think people should take opportunities when they arise, otherwise they may regret it

Jan4kids

Hi Richard,

I would validate your Visa, then stay in the U.K to look out for your Parents. Harsh as it seems they are unlikely to be here in 5 years time .....sorry

I'm an only child and left my Mum...with all her blessings . She contracted Cancer and it ended upthat she died whilst I was on the plane flying to her.

It hurts.

Think hard and long......but I really do wish you all the best and hope you fulfill your ambitions.

Jan

RAG62

Thanks for your replies

Jan, we have already validated our visa and the visa expires in Sept next year, otherwise your suggested option would be preferable.

As Quoll said, I think we need to be thick-skinned to a certain extent. If the shoe was on the other foot and my children wanted to go to the other side of the world when we are more grey and older I would like to think we would not try and talk them out of it. But I suspect that unless you are in that situation you cannot be sure that is what you will do.
Richard

tiredwithtwins

hiya,
i can give an opinion from someone who stayed - we were putting together our visa application back in jan 06, when my mum had a serious stroke. as a nurse, and one of only a very small family, i stayed to look after her. we didnt have the best mother-daughter relationship in the first place, but my conscience wouldnt let me leave her to cope on her own/in a nursing home.
my mother was very critical of me as i grew up, and once i was an adult she was critical and unsupportive, but for some reason i really couldnt leave her. it wasnt some bond i was trying to re-invent, i just couldnt leave her to cope.
she died in april 08, and do you know i wouldnt have had it any other way.
we can move to aus with a very clear conscience, and i know i made the right decision. yes, you do have your own lives to lead, and yes your children are your priority and you have to do what is right for them - but dont underestimate the feelings of guilt you may have if you leave your parents.
when i posted that my mum had died, i lost count of the number of pms i had from people who said they wish they had been there for thier parents/family when one of them died ... and that many had regreted the decision to leave the uk when an elderly relative was ill.
that bond you have with your parents, well only you know how strong it is, and there is nothing wrong with putting that bond first. surely its better for our kids to spend quality time with the people that they love and care for, than to drag them off to the other side of the world where to them there is no logical reason to have left granny/grandad.
for me it was better to think, im glad i was there for my mum than to wish id gone to australia.
i have been on this visa path for many years now, and having visited aus on many ocasions so i knew what i was letting go of by staying with my mum - and it was worth it - i have definate closure and can do whats right now for the kids without worrying id let my mum down in her hour of need.

australia isnt completely off limits - theres always holidays at worst - but think hard and long before you make the decision one way or the other. There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your parents first.

Kath & Graham

My mum passsed away while we were in Oz and I came back as I couldnt settle in Oz. Its been hard amd we looked after my Dad and he passed away recently, cant tell you what to do, We are going back now but I still feel guilty even now These few years being in Oz and feeling guilty and coming back here and feeling guilty I dont think anything is in black and white, you have to go with your instincts good luck.

Kath

Lois1

I also have the same dilemma, i am an only child with a father who will be 80 in January, he is not in particularly good health,(heart failure, liver failure and fluid on the lungs to name a few) however he is very independant (at the moment) even though a bit frail.

Unfortunately, age is not on our side either, and we cant delay our application.

Although we are in the early stages of our application i know that if/when we get it, i will have to assess the situation then with regard to dad. The thought of making that decision is to difficult to contemplate at the moment.

Will just have to see if/when the time arrives.........

Tearose

I came over in 2007 my brother lives in NZ, so mum is on her own over there - she had a fall, fractured her hip and broke her femur in two places, and has been in hospital for 7 weeks but now thankfully home - I have been on a awful guilt trip since I had the telephone call from a friend to tell me that the ambulance had been to take her to hospital.

Cant advise sorry - you have to follow your heart and instinct.

Good Luck with your decision x

RAG62

I turn my back for one moment .....my Mum has fallen and broken her wrist whilst my Dad has fallen and broken his hip. All this on consecutive weekends! So I now have an excellent working knowledge of a hospital's A&E department.

Unfortunately due to my Dad's state of health they cannot yet operate on the hip, so he is feeling sorry for himself on the ward.

Thanks for all your replies - some very heartfelt comments. There are some very difficult decisions that we have to take (often arising from our own doing) and whatever we do will not be easy.

Best wishes, Richard

Japonica

Just going through this right now. We've only been here about 6 weeks and my mother (non-smoker) just told me that she has a mass in her lung and is undergoing further tests to determine if it's cancer. This could be the shortest emigration ever...we just got our rental house about a month ago and the furnishings. Our shared container hasn't even arrived yet. Just goes to show that you never know...

dave99

Sadly this is something we all have to face when moving abroad, theres no easy way to deal with it.
If you talk to them about it, I bet they will say you should do whats best for you, do whats going to make you happy long term. They might even say that they wish they could have done the same when they were younger, my parents did.
Just remeber the UK is only a days flight away if anything happens.