British Expats - Just for a laugh

I received this from an ozzy friend, please take with the light hearted approach that there is meant behind it!!

>We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional
> >wanker. We come from many lands and although we live in the best country
> >in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever
> >we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.
> >
> >
> >First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in
> >lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte,
> >grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose
> >chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what
> >they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.
> >
> >
> >Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar,
> >thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital
> >Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of
> >it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their
> >cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.
> >
> >
> >Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the
> >family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an
> >extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
> >sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting,
> >which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
> >
> >
> >South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of
> >foreigners, paedophile rings and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of
> >innovation. Where else can you so effectively reuse country bank vaults
> >and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide(also named after a
> >queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide
> >sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.
> >
> >
> >Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main
> >claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it
> >did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA
> >was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still
> >work there in the government and business.
> >
> >
> >The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains,
> >sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru,
> >and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption
> >of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium
> >content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of
> >our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly
> >over it on our way to Bali.
> >
> >
> >And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a
> >document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting
> >that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect
> the
> >next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.
> >
> >
> >Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
> >
> >
> >We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists
> >and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our
> >lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in
> >joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is
> >better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a
> >political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes
> >and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're
> >whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants.
> >
> >
> >We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right
> >mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem
> >(so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We
> >love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a
> >sailing race and still tell us who's winning.
> >
> >
> >And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like
> >cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and
> >horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the
> >worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a
> >pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in
> >Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or
> >cameras but chain the pens to the desk.
> >
> >
> >Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea
> >and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed
> >minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.
> >
> >
> >I am, you are, we are Australian!
> >
> >
> >P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National
> >Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!
> >
> >