Just for a laugh
Oct 19th 2003, 9:24 am
#1
visa'd member oh yeah!
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Adelaide
Posts: 384
Just for a laugh
We are Australians!
WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and
the occasional wanker. We come from many lands
(although a few too many of us come from New Zealand)
and although we live in the best country in the world,
we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it when-
ever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't
believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo
turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse
races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing
pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what
they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold
and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts,
macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and
millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has
more queens than any other city in the world and is
proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull
their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and
right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the
notion that the family that bonks together stays
together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome
at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single
mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no
matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a
festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is
the state of innovation. Where else can you so
effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the
views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep
at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be
relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't
have daylight saving because if it did all the men
would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and
many of them still work there in the government and
business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land.
Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe,
Kangaroos, Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with
big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the
highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the
Territory is the centre piece of our national culture,
few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it
on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland...While any mention of God seems
silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed
sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made
Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect the
next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a
mystery.
Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said
the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose
treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year
than murderers. We are united in our lust for inter-
national recognition.
Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie
immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our
national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national
attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem.
(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing criminal who
commits suicide??)
We love sport so much our news readers can read the
death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's
winning. And we're the best in the world at all the
sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby,AFL,
roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the
biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest
aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known
universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a
racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people,
at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian.
WE, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and
the occasional wanker. We come from many lands
(although a few too many of us come from New Zealand)
and although we live in the best country in the world,
we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it when-
ever we bloody like.
We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't
believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo
turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse
races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing
pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what
they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold
and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts,
macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and
millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has
more queens than any other city in the world and is
proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull
their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and
right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the
notion that the family that bonks together stays
together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome
at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single
mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no
matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a
festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is
the state of innovation. Where else can you so
effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as in
Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the
views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep
at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be
relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't
have daylight saving because if it did all the men
would get erections on the bus on the way to work.
WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and
many of them still work there in the government and
business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land.
Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe,
Kangaroos, Jackeroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with
big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of
anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the
highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the
Territory is the centre piece of our national culture,
few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it
on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland...While any mention of God seems
silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed
sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made
Queensland - it's beautiful one day and perfect the
next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a
mystery.
Oh yes, and there's the ACT (Canberra). The least said
the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose
treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year
than murderers. We are united in our lust for inter-
national recognition.
Not that we're whingeing; we leave that to our Pommie
immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our
national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national
attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem.
(So what if it's about a sheep-stealing criminal who
commits suicide??)
We love sport so much our news readers can read the
death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's
winning. And we're the best in the world at all the
sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby,AFL,
roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing. We also have the
biggest rock, the tastiest pies, the blackest
aborigines and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known
universe.
We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and
pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a
racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people,
at least we feel better for it.
I am, you are, we are Australian.
Oct 19th 2003, 12:10 pm
#2
too busy to work members
Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Tahmoor NSW - Southern Highlands
Posts: 1,385
Thats why we want to get there. Well illustrated
:lecture:
:lecture:
Oct 19th 2003, 6:47 pm
#3
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Perth we were.Back in the uuuk
Posts: 355
Had to bring this one back to the top 
Now I know why I should have gone back 18 years ago
Now I know why I should have gone back 18 years ago
