johanne

The vagina is the best rehabilitation centre in the world, even the most hardest and violent of pricks come out, soft, humble and reduced in size..

robos

nun sitting on a train minding her own business
on gets a young lad eating a bag of prawns
the young lad keeps throwing the prawn heads at the nun
the nun throws them out the window
then stands up and pulls the emergency cord
the lad says 'stupid ****** youll get done for that'
the nun says 'your the stupid ****** ! your the one that will get done when i shout rape and they smell your f*****g fingers d***head'

Emzee

Okay, Okay, it *finally* all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:



MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

GUYnocologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

Ever noticed how all of women's problems start with MEN?

Emzee

Paddy's doing Very well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"

He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 million
POUNDS.

"Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber?

Was it -
A, Ronnie Barker
B, Ronnie O'Sullivan
C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it
D, Ronnie Biggs???"
Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris" Chris reminds him that
he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris. "No t'anks, Oi'll take de
money - foinal answer"

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and
gentlemen, Paddy goes away with  £500,000. However before you go, you'll
obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

"You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"
Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no ****** grass!".

kirsty&al

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

rossifumi

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael?
"Excuse me, but you're in my son"

Check this site out:

http://www.boreme.com/

After you've laughed at all the other stuff just search for jokes especially the Jacko ones.

kirsty&al

HERnia.

nuff said

A

kirsty&al

So I rang up Telstra, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

kirsty&al

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Emzee

Is that the best you can do nah nah nah nah nah

Emzee

A YOUNG MAN CALLED ALAN INVITED HIS MOTHER FOR DINNER.
DURING THE COURSE OFTHE MEAL, HIS MOTHER COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE
HOW HANDSOME ALAN'S FLATMATE WAS.

SHE HAD LONG BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO, AND THIS ONLY MADE HER MORE CURIOUS. OVER THE COURSE OF THE EVENING, WHILE WATCHING THE TWO INTERACT, SHE STARTED TO WONDER IF THERE WAS MORE BETWEEN ALAN AND HIS FLATMATE THAN MET THE EYE.

READING HIS MUM'S THOUGHTS, ALAN VOLUNTEERED, "I KNOW WHAT YOU MUST BE
THINKING, BUT I ASSURE YOU, SIMON & I ARE JUST FLATMATES".

ABOUT A WEEK
LATER, SIMON CAME TO ALAN SAYING, EVER SINCE YOUR MOTHER CAME TO DINNER, I'VE BEEN UNABLE TO FIND THE FRYING PAN, YOU DON'T SUPPOSE SHE TOOK IT DO YOU?"
"WELL, I DOUBT IT, BUT I'LL E-MAIL HER JUST TO BE SURE," SAID ALAN,SO HE SAT
DOWN AND WROTE:

DEAR MOTHER, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM
MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE
FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR
DINNER.
LOVE ALAN

SEVERAL DAYS LATER, ALAN RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM HIS MOTHER
WHICH READ:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM

LESSON OF THE DAY:
DON'T EVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER (SHE ALWAYS,ALWAYS FINDS OUT!)

kirsty&al

Nah. I can do more; just didn't want to LABOUR the point (HERpies, HEReditary disease, SHEehan Syndrome, GALlbladder Inflammation, ... and don't forget BIRD flu)

A

Buzzy--Bee

Another similar one -

A man goes to the doctor's to get his test results. The Doctor says - "I'm afraid it's terrible news. You have cancer and you also have Alzheimers".
Well, says the patient, thank goodness I don't have cancer.

kirsty&al

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

kirsty&al

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."