baconmaster

Important lessons for living in Melbourne (Australia)

Driving

When approaching traffic lights / junction / roundabout – start looking at the magazine that is lying on the passenger seat, get something from the glove box or pick up what ever fell from the back seat on the floor in the back of the car – DO NOT look ahead and ensure that you are not observing where the car in front has stopped and try to avoid pulling up behind it in a slow controlled manner

When the traffic light turns green, either accelerate like you are in pole position at the Indy 500, or alternatively, sit there for 5 minutes trying to remember what the green light means, then eventually accelerate. Either is acceptable. The amber light means accelerate and the red means you’ll be ok for a couple of seconds but you have to be careful in case some one in the lane you are crossing takes their green light to mean accelerate.

In the UK, the number on the sign by the side of the road is generally regarded by most (especially the police) as the maximum speed limit, Australiana (sorry Melburnians) drivers understand this to be the minimum speed limit, if you car goes below this speed they will show their dissatisfaction by passing you and more than likely cutting you up. I’m lead to believe that the Police think this is the maximum speed limit so you’ll need to be careful with this ambiguity

When approaching traffic lights / junction / it is a legal requirement (I think) that all lanes are populated equally, hence, if you are in the middle lane, you can expect someone from the right hand lane swerving across to the right hand lane because there’s only 1 car in that lane instead of the 2 cars in the right hand lane – be warned – every second counts.

Pedestrians

This one is a hang over from driving, when crossing the road and the little man turns green, feel free to stand there a while longer admiring the view while you try to remember if green means ‘cross the road’ or ‘stand a bit longer’. This happen quite a bit by flinders station

ON NO ACCOUNTS (if you want to be considered a true Aussie) must you look where you are walking, NEVER look in the direction of travel, this is a clear give away of not being a naturalised Aussie.

Cyclists

Do what the **** you like at traffic lights, chances are you’ve got a car and you know what the drivers are like so you take your life in your own hands.

In the work place.

Before coming out here I read Victorians had the greatest work ethic in Australia, I guess it’s all down to interpretation. In the work place by all means go in early and stay late (free air con?) but be sure not to do more than 90 minutes works before midday, after taking a nice leisurely long lunch (we wouldn’t want to burn out would we?) consider doing another 60 minutes but makes sure you ignore you ignore critical email from the ‘Pommie migrant’, especially if it gets in the way of your ****ing footy tipping you tosser. Certainly don’t do more than you fair sure but be sure to complain when you’ve been made redundant and they still expect you to do work even when they are keeping you on a bit longer because you are too bloody useless to find alternative employment


It is VITAL you always have someone else or something else to blame. Never be accountable but however expect people who just joined 3 weeks ago to be accountable for errors, cock ups, laziness, stupidity, damn right incompetence and general disinterest that occurred while whey were still waiting for their bloody visa to arrive.

Buying novelty items for a fancy dress party during a sales conference on Hayman Island

Go to the fancy dress shop on South Road near Moorabin station, the girl couldn’t add up if her life depended on it and saved me a fortune, thanks!

TheWeather

If Japan is the land of the rising sun then the UK is the land of the p1ss1ng cloud. However, when you get to Melbourne and the weather forecast is a real scorcher, DO NOT say how you plan to be out side enjoying the fine weather but plan your weekend by going from one shadey air conditioned public to the other. Similarly, the moment the weather takes the slight autumnal turn (like a good UK summers day) wrap yourself up in every warm item possible and complain about how cold it is.

Maybe I getting synical or am just anti-Aussie coz of the overly bias Commonwealth games coverage (Dean Macey, you certainly silenced the gob-sh1te sitting behind me at the MCG last Tuesday night, thank you), but I hope you enjoyed my recent observations of Aussie lift.

By the way POM – Prisoner of Motherland – surely the POMs are the Aussies out here who were kicked out for being criminals. I’m called a POM but I ain’t no bloody crim Bruce MATE! By definition, the POMs are the original European Aussie ?

I do love it here though!!

daisydaydream

Brilliant Made me laugh on a miserable rainy day in Manchester

Cant wait to get there

baconmaster

That makes me smile, I love nearly everything about here but can't help take the piss about everythin near and dear around me, just ask the wife ? Are you coming to Melbourne ? We don't don't have weekends, we have 2 day holidays, it's fab. Mind you, not done a winter yet. Mind you, done 31 winters in North Shields and 32 supposed summers so I'm not reaching for my thick coat and gloves just yet.

Buzzy--Bee

Can't wait to join you mate.

I made the POM comment in another thread but I can't be bothered to find it now.

Interesting about the work ethic - sounds like London....

What kind of industry do you work in BM and what job do you do where this ethic prevails?

Cheers

Buzzy

beerdrinker

Thanks for that Baconmaster, it brought a flicker of a smile to the corners of my mouth, as I sit here at my office job, looking out towards Fife across the river Forth. In the 'Job I thought I'd never do'. Soulless and mind-numbing. Sometimes you can see Fife, on a clear day, but not today, and not because of my [yet another]hangover, no today it is shrouded in, what is it? Fog? Mist? Drizzle? It's grey anyway, and not nice to look at. A wee flutter in the tummy when the mercury reaches 5C degrees with the excitement and anticipation of another summer approaching. But it never comes does it? No, and we never learn, every winter the thing that gets us through is the thought that summer is ahead. No such luck.

I can get some solace in the fact it's Friday today, with another piss-up on the cards this evening, and a weekend of staring through the pigeon shitty windows, at the dull grey skies, dreaming of far away shores. Until returning here on Monday, to do it all again.


Anyway, I'm off, have a good weekend and I hope the windy city ain't getting you down! (I know you're not in Chicago but you know what I mean)

baconmaster

I work in a Food FMCG environment, prior I worked for a proper busy busy globsl leader in the uk where people were genuinely busy, this place makes me laugh

baconmaster

I'm from Newcatle, anyone who grows up on the shores of the north east id good enough in my book, unless you are from Sunderland (but the chance of someone from Sunderland owning a computer & being able to read are so slim that no one will take offence from this comment!).

Enjoy your Friday boozing, it was such a nice night tonight I bought my evening booze froma far away off licence as the walk was nice!!

daisydaydream

With a bit of luck and a following wind I will be in Victoria Melbourne this side of Xmas

I'm just going through the painful experience of DIMIA forms, RPL's blah blah. If I survive this ill survive anything :scared: .

Cant wait to experience the Holiday weekends and laugh at the work ethics of the Ozzies,

beerdrinker

Ah, a Geordie, then you can feel my pain. East coast haar.........

A nice walk to the 'Bottle'o' sounds good, far removed from the blowin a gale stroll I just had. Just beginning to thaw now though, in time for Beer o' clock.

Bordy

Bugger the walk to the bottle shop, thats why we have drive in bottle shops here.

Jaycee1

Well done Baconmaster, you cheered up my day. Just a fleeting comment that you left out : THE HOOK TURN :scared: :scared:
I was in my Dad's car returning from Melbourne Zoo with sat nav on and the woman kept repeating 'At the next intersection turn right'
OMG are you joking?? The RIGHT hand turn from the LEFT hand lane - must have been a blonde man moment
No, the Aussies aren't. I decided to just go for it from the *normal* right hand lane and drove like a banshee hoping there wasn't any pedestrians crossing.....or the *hook turners* in the left hand lane were not fast drivers..... :scared:

scrubbedexpat020

Here's the official rules on driving in Vic.

http://www.vicroads.vic.gov.au/VRNE/...B001F1578?open

The key bits to read are traffic lights (note pedestrians may have a green man when you are turning so look out for them), and hook-turns in the CBD.

It's a bit like Whacky Races.

I do expect:

to be undercut
to have somebody take my braking distance
to have to stop at a roundabout when it is clear because the guy(s) in front isn't used to them
to see people unexpectedly change lanes at a traffic light stop
to count 1,2 before setting off on a green to stop somebody ramming me at 100k
to find a slow truck in the outside lane 5k later
to see cars driving without lights on when they should be on. I see it a lot nowadays at about 07.00

and I do show I'm new by giving way to cars as a pedestrian. Not brave enough to keep walking, yet.

But the funny thing is, even though it's Whacky Races, you hardly ever see road-rage.

Ian

phoenixinoz

Brilliant!!! PMSL

You missed a bit though.

----------------------------------
Make sure you sound competent at work, even if you are as much use as a nun in a brothel.

keep in with The boss, say only nice things, nod and agree with everything he says [generally big boss's are men ]

Make sure you try and sound big / clever / important when the boss is around, preferably undermine your peers in his company so you can make yourself seem important. Don't forget to undermine your peers at every opportunity with collegues too. Makes you look good, gives you that all important status with your peers.....and elevates you to brown nose position.

Tis good to pat yourself on the back too, especially whilst making someone else out to be a dick-head.

Takes the heat off your own shortcomings .....and gets you another gold medal

phoenixinoz

Brilliant!!! PMSL

You missed a bit though.

----------------------------------
Make sure you sound competent at work, even if you are as much use as a nun in a brothel.

keep in with The boss, say only nice things, nod and agree with everything he says [generally big boss's are men ]

Make sure you try and sound big / clever / important when the boss is around, preferably undermine your peers in his company so you can make yourself seem important. Don't forget to undermine your peers at every opportunity. Makes you look good, gives you that all important status that elevates you to brown nose position.

Tis good to pat yourself on the back too, especially whilst making someone else out to be a dick-head.

Takes the heat off your own shortcomings .....and gets you another gold medal

Sass73

Too bloody right!