IF YOU KNEW THEN WHAT YOU KNOW NOW
 

would you have ever emigrated,i feel i have given up so much to be here my house my friends family taking the kids away from everything they knew,and if it wasnt for family coming out this yr i would be going home sooner,they are the only thing that is keeping me here

Re: IF YOU KNEW THEN WHAT YOU KNOW NOW
 

I often try to tell myself that 'Yes, i am glad of the experience'....but i know deep down i am lying to myself.
If i knew what i know now, then to be honest "no" i wouldn't have come. But that's not the case is it, i am here and trying to make the best of it.
I will be back home oneday, until then i'll just keep plodding on...(littlest HOBO):D

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It's been an experience - like lying on a bed of nails.

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hi nu-shooz,thanks for the reply what you have said is exactly how i feel,i would have always been wondering what if if we had never done it,but my heart is just not here its back home with everything and everyone around me

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:rofl: well, when you put it like that, it seems more accurate:)

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Okay Missy, I having been where you are about a year ago am going to take you in hand....:) (In case you don't think I know, I will give you a short summation - loneliness, desperation, grief, anger, home sickness and people sickness, general state of being overwhelmed, fear, disappointment, to name but a few).

Here are my top tips for making it through the next year:

• Get to a local meet
• Force yourself to accept any and all invites
• Involve yourself in your children's activities if possible
• Buy one of those 'things to do at the weekend' books and go some places
• If you can work, do! It will get you out, make some money and form some relationships for you.
• Write emails to your friends that are reflective of how you are feeling - those that write back qualify as good friends
• Meet some expats but only ones that can see the wood from the trees - ie positive influences or people with a realistic take on their circumstances and not the doomsayers (although it helps to share your woes, concentrating on them will make everything seem bleaker
• Try to have regular and meaningful discussions with your partner on why you are here.
• Set small timeframes i.e. 6, 12, 18, 24 months.
• Visitors can help - but so do other things to look forward to. Others in this situation begin studying, volunteering, getting fit, planning a holiday etc.
• Cut out excess TV watching, smoking, drinking and/or eating - they will just make you more unhappy
• If you need to, go see a doctor or counsellor. It has been said that emigrating leaves no place for problems to hide.
• Get out there. Get a babysitter. Go on a date.
• Garden

*Don't spend all of your time in Mbttuk. I love lots of the posters in Mbbtuk but it is too soon for you to be in there so often.

* Do keep posting, there is a lot of support to be found here.

Best of luck to you.

Re: IF YOU KNEW THEN WHAT YOU KNOW NOW
 

Very true.

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Fantastic post my friend :D

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I got some of this advice from you Chum!:)

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I just assumed nobody ever listened to me ;)

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hi busterboy,thankyou for the things you wrote down,i have met some good friends here but i still feel lonely,i have 2 boys that are at school and also have twins that are 3 they go to nusrery 2 days a week,so that gives me a bit of a break but i still am finding it hard to make friends i feel i cant just go up to anyone and say will you be my friend i know it sounds silly,but i just feel so lonely and keep thinking of home all the time and just wanting my old life back,we have been here for nearly 4 months now but feel like a yr already,for the people that have settled down here and are getting on with things good on them i wish them all the luck i wish i was like that i feel like an alien and so iscolated i take the kids down the park and see all the other mums down their who have already got their group of friends its so hard to make friends when you dont know anybody here,some people i have met dont have little ones so that makes it harder,when you said about seeing the doctor well i actually am going tommorrow i have never felt this low in all my life like i do now,i just cant seem to pick myself up and am in a rut.i didnt realise it would be so hard i knew it would be hard but not like this,i need some aduld conversation thanks for taking the time to reply to me anyway

Re: IF YOU KNEW THEN WHAT YOU KNOW NOW
 

What a fantastic post, couldn't have said it better myself.

There are not many other times when you would experience loss in every area of your life in the way that immigration leaves you feeling. Having a plan of action is a great idea.

I really wish you luck, remember it is early days.

Tracey x

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You have to try harder. I have met loads of friends by putting myself out. I even ended up on Northernbirds doorstep:D
It is hard i know....i don't normally meet up with strangers, but when you have no option you have to do it. It gets easier after the first time.
Just do it, see how you feel.

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www.playgroupwa.com.au

there are bound to be a couple of them around your area so you can go and mix with mums with similar aged children.

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how do you do it though i cant just walk up to anyone in the street lol

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Yeah but you aint been back again :eek:

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Dear Lord, its a wonder you aren't buried in the cellar with all the others!:D

Good advice.

Kericare, as hard as it is when you may be depressed, the only way out of this takes real work and some guts to put yourself out there when you are feeling your lowest. Should tomorrow result in the doctor recommending medication, you will find an interesting thread currently running on Mbbtuk on the subject.

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thanks carole will have a look

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LOL....wasn't sure when to come to be honest. I have no car at the mo, P is using it as some nice person bumped his van:ohmy: I'm house bound...so i thought i'd waste time on here:lol:

Re: IF YOU KNEW THEN WHAT YOU KNOW NOW
 

Great advice and aligned with my own personal (survival) strategy :thumbup:

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Excellent advice :)

Kerry, try and get to the meets either Hillary's or Mindarie. You just might 'click' with someone :)
I don't go to Hillary's that often but if you'd like to meet me there or perhaps somewhere else, then give me a shout. I like to think I'm down to earth and fairly 'normal' ;)

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hi nightnurse,thanks for that ,its really hard when you have little ones to look after especially if there are people that meet down there on a thursday and dont have little ones that day ,when is the next meet do you know if there are any other mums that go their with kids,would love to meet up let me know when you can kerrie

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Not the same situation I know, but I've moved twice from one end of the UK to the other, leaving family & friends behind, due to OH's work. I've had to start afresh in new areas & known literally no-one. If it hadn't been for the kids, I would be a basket-case by now :blink: :thumbup:

The first time, I gave up my job to get the kids settled coz they were a lot smaller then. I don't regret it because I had no other choice, but after about a year I went back to work, only part time, but I was amazed at the difference it made to my sense of how I felt about everything - including myself. I had an income of my own, something interesting & different to tell OH about at the end of the day, adult conversation & stimulation. The boost it gave to my self-confidence was amazing & I hadn't realised how much I had missed that.

This second time, moved another 250 miles to a new area a year ago. I know I won't be working because of waiting for the visa to come through, but I'm still volunteering a couple of days a week. Having the dog this time has helped enormously - dog walkers will always stop & say "hello". Making a point of letting the kids invite friends home to play is really important, because it means that mums & dads then have to come & pick the little buggers up & then you can invite them for a cuppa while they wait......

Keep at it, I know how hard it is, but any little changes you can make will help fix the bigger picture. It's just tough making that first move :)

Very best of luck & keep us posted :)

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As someone who is arriving in a couple of weeks these threads make me worried. :(

To the OP I would say you have only been there 4 months, you have to give it much longer. Id say a year was a good time limit or even longer.

When I spent a year in Oz about 7 years ago I felt very homesick for long periods. I was so excited on my way home had a reals sense of acheivment when I got home, that I had survived and for the most part enjoyed my time there.

Then once I was home and I had met everyone, wham, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was back in the cold and the rain doing the same stuff I had been doing every day since I left.

Not a day would go by where I didnt dream about going back, I spent most of my time in WA and NT by the way.

Now im fortunate to go back, albeight to Brisbane where ive never been, I intend to make such an effort. Ive got a couple of close friends who are unfortunately leaving to go back in September so that will be our acid test.

I know it sounds corny but do you have an outdoor hobby? I certainly didnt find there was anything culturally better about Australian cities but sweet jesus, how good is the fishing?? And not just fishing, most outdoor activities will blow aanything we have away from the UK.

I would make the most of the "outdoors" in Oz and the rest might follow! :thumbup:

Cheers

Jamie

Re: IF YOU KNEW THEN WHAT YOU KNOW NOW
 

I used to go with Lauren, she got quite friendly with the staff at the last cafe, so much so that she ended up getting a 'wage' of icecream for picking up stray napkins off the floor. They are a lovely bunch you should go down if you can.

PS. Nightnurse might say she is normal but reserve judgement until you have met her!! (thats for the wine comment Trace!)

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You shouldn't for there are many many more for whom the answer to the question "if you knew then what you know now" would simply be that you would change nothing as its worked out just great :thumbup:

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I`m in Japan at the moment. Been studying here for more than two years straight and living here for another year before that. I should be moving back to the UK and want to try to move the OZ some time.
What I can say is what some one else just said that when you feel bad in one country you feel that your old life was much better. To tell you the truth if you feel things weren`t going well in the UK then going any where in the world no wont matter. The problem is how you look at things. I can say I have more than 20 people who are friends and a girl friend here and I`m about as shy as it gets.

Join clubs
Do a part time job
Go to the bar
Find people online

Its not like you don`t speak English or some thing. Not seeing your family after a long while can boost the home sickness so try and get back at least once a year.
Or if your feeling that bad you could come and live at my place. I know thats lots of waves that need riding in OZ right now :rofl:.

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I've lived and worked overseas in a few places and know lots of people who do the same. There is a definite pattern. The first 6 months are the worst. The second 6 months seem bad but gradually get better. After a year you feel like you are at home. (Except if you get posted to Lagos, Nigeria :ohmy:)

Have you met your neighbours? Just knock on their doors and introduce yourself. People move a lot here (not just immigrants) so it's usual not to know anyone when you arrive. Walk around the area and talk to people in their gardens - ask about their plants, talk about the weather. Do some gardening yourself - people will come and talk to you.

Just take one day at a time and don't try to fill the future for months, but plan for today.

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When my sister moved to northern Queensland 23 years ago she didn't know a single sole except her husband. He's a bit of a workaholic, so she spent a lot of time alone. They lived in a very small town so there wasn't really much for her to do other than wallow in her lonliness. Finally after about 3 months she decided that it was either do something or she would have to leave her husband and go back. One morning she put on her makeup, did her hair and went door knocking. She introduced herself to everyone in her street by saying "I'm Kathy, just moved here and don't know anyone." Within days she had met the woman who is still her best friend years later.

Moral of the story is that sometimes you have to swallow your pride and put yourself out there.

For the most part the people here have already got lives and friends, so they aren't going to go looking to be your friend. Go to the meets in Hillary's and Mindarie. Go to the King's Park meet on the 20th (although it's actually going to be at Hillary's this time 'cause it's winter). Send a PM to some of the other people in your city and ask if they'll meet you for coffee/lunch/BBQ, etc. I know it's hard, but it's just what you have to do. You may just get lucky and meet someone you really click with.

Forgot to answer the original question...If I knew then what I know now, yes, I still would have emigrated. I would have even done it the same way complete with the interstate move.

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If I knew then what i know now...would I have emigrated?

Yes.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained:)

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If I knew when we came that I would end up stuck here - probably would still have come but would have been damned sure that I made active decisions about where would be best for us at all stages rather than just drifting along to beyond the point of no return.

Others have given you really good points about how to get through the situation you are now experiencing but the bottom line is that your head has to be in the place where you want to get through and make changes. OTOH There is absolutely nothing wrong with recognizing that this place is not for you and deciding to go home. It's not a sin to go home because you know that it will be better for you.

Good luck which ever way you decide to go.

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I'd be lying if I told you that a lot of us that go to Hillary's have pre school kiddies, there may be the odd one (not intended as a pun NB!) but please don't let that put you off. Most of us have got children of varying ages and we've all been in your situation. The first few times I went I felt really out of place and didn't really want to go back, but I forced myself to and ended up making some really good friends. It may take you a few visits or you could 'click' with someone straight away, but you won't know if you don't try. What I'm trying to say is give it a go and even if it doesn't feel right or work out the way you want it to at first, keep at it.
I wasn't going to go this Thursday but if you go, so will I. I'll pm you my mobile and you can phone me when you get to the car park at Hillary's and I'll wait for you and we can go in together.

I was only stating the obvious ;)

Good advice :)
Most of us at Hillary's are really good friends but I like to think that there is always room for more :)

And to answer the OP - damm right I'd do it again :)

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Kericare, really empathise with you, I think your last line says a lot, you need adult conversation, my daughter has twin boys of 2 plus a 4 year old and it doesnt leave a lot of time for socialising, she is still in UK at the moment but when she found herself at home with 3 young children she knew she would have to do something or go round the bend.

She joined all sorts of mother and child groups, said at first no one rushed up to say hello when she walked in, but then why should they, she perservered and slowly built up a nice circle of friends, its hard if you are not a very forward person, it makes it even harder having to do it with twins, because you need eyes in the back of your head and my daughters experience is she usually doesnt get much chance to chat to the other mums cos she is so busy running around after the twins.

If you could perhaps try to get out on the days they are in childcare, try to meet up with some other expats on those days, you would at least feel you have had your adult conversation. It wont make all the other feelings go away but it might help. I think you deserve a bit of "me time"

I really hope it works out for you

take care, Dizzy

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Just remember there are far more of us that don't feel this way - we're just not as vocal. :)

Best of luck to you and the OP.

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Don't be :thumbsup:

This place is ace, my family and I love the place and the people.

In answer to the original question "if you knew............" well I would have come straight to Australia instead of going to NZ for 3 years first, beautiful Country but we as a family could not make ends meet, however some people can and do!

Don't be worried and don't come with the attitude of "if is does not work we can always go back" as IT WILL WORK ;)

Ian

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The only regret i have is that we did'nt come sooner...

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I'm a y happy expat BUT where we live the majority are unhappy expats.

In the years we've been here I've watched countless people come, complain, get depressed, become bitter and tunnel sighted and get to their last straw very quickly.

One such person is here now and is constantly telling me of not seeing anybody, lying in bed all day, huby working 6 days a week, totally depressed etc etc.

One problem is she is totally unable to live with her own company and spend time on her own - it just drives her depression deeper, so I yanked her off to the local school, got her volunteering book reading 3 times a week. This one little thing has spurred her on hugely. She has a focus, she interacts with people, they may not be friends but she's having adult conversations with new people.

I get her to focus on the positive or funny side of things - yes, you may be out of water for 24 hours (a common occurence) but get down the beach outside your door and have a skinny dip at night for your bath! turn something she was furious and upset about into something daring!

4 months is not enough time I would say, you're in the classic timeframe of homesickness and emigration depression. It takes time, you HAVE to focus on positives if only to keep you sane.

and re read Busterboys post lots - I think that should be made a sticky for all those having wobbles:D

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I would have still come. I don't regret it and after 2 years here I will probably return to the UK/Europe.

Australia is different things to different people. I wouldn't want to be here long term and have no desire to become an Australia. But that doesn't mean that other people won't love it.

People often talk about "lifestyle". If you want beaches, sunshine and hot weather then Australia will be great for you. However, Australia doesn't give me the kind of "lifestyle" I am looking for.

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Put it this way, you will never know if you don't try. It suits some and not others but you won't know whether it suits you until you're here really.

Despite my predicament (i.e. wanting to go back and can't) I still don't regret coming. I wouldn't have listened to anyone who told me otherwise anyway! :eek: Plus I do think it's been a great place to bring up children (my kids are lucky in that my ex husband is Australian so they at least have half their extended family here).

I know it's all very Daily Mail-esque but I think I'd be far more worried about my kids on a day to day level if we lived in UK, especially as they are approaching teen years.

I didn't come to run away from UK (though maybe my family who ironically now are the reason I want to return :confused:); I'd always wanted to live abroad ever since I was little. I feel I have 'done' Australia now but I'd love to experience living in another country if I had the opportunity.