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I want to go home but family doesn't

I want to go home but family doesn't

Old Aug 29th 2011, 1:28 am
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Default I want to go home but family doesn't

I moved to Australia around five years ago with my wife and kids. Coming here was really my idea, probably down to running away from a messy extended family situation (to cut short a long story). For most of the time that we have been here we have been relatively happy. However a recent trip back to the UK (around six months ago) has changed all that and has left me desperate to return to the UK. The problem being that I am the only family member that wants to go.

The trip back to the UK made me realise that I have never really settled here. In the UK we had a social whirl catching up with friends and family which is a total contrast to my life in Australia. After returning this began to weigh on my mind and has made me take a long hard look at things. Although the Wife and kids are happily settled the same is not true for me, essentially I haven’t made a single friend in the whole time that we have been here. It also made me realise that I prefer life in a UK town to an Australian suburb. I like Australia and don't have anything against the way of life here as such it just hasn't worked out for me.

It’s got to the point where it is causing real problems in the family. My wife is fed up with how negative I have become and the situation is unsettling for the kids. I don’t want to split the family up but the thought of spending the next ten years or so here has led to me becoming severely depressed.

Have any other posters experienced anything similar and if so how was it resolved? Am I just being selfish and need to just get on with it?

Thanks for reading.

Last edited by longtime_lurker; Aug 29th 2011 at 1:37 am. Reason: Added detail
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 2:04 am
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Debs Hubby:

Hi mate, this sort of thing does crop up from time to time on here.
It's more common than you would believe, understandable also. I can't imagine ever finding myself or my family in your situation, but hey - no one knows do they, mate all i can say is chin up and hope it all works out what ever you decide, because at the end of the day only you can make that sort of choice.
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 2:13 am
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

For the sake of your mental health you do need to discuss it with your family. Bottling it up and just continuing as normal can make things far worse. Have you seen a doctor for depression? Acupuncture is a very good treatment too. However, if the cause is wanting to be back in the UK then you might need to start looking at compromise solutions with the family i.e; 1 year more in Oz then back to the UK - longer trips home etc - all depending on your personal situation.

Don't worry, you are in good company. There are plenty on here that feel homesick and depressed and don't feel as though they fit into Australian society/way of life.

Take care and don't be too hard on yourself. Everything is changeable in the long run.
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 2:28 am
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Hi there

Going back can be very unsettling for some especially when everyone rallies round and it is a social whirl! We've been back every year so far (been here 4.5 years) and I come back with mixed feelings as I really do miss my close mates and what little family I have together with a few Englishy things!

The problem is when you go back especially after a few years is that you are now seeing the UK et al with the rose tinted specs. As OH pointed out to me, it's not real life anymore when you go back for a holiday (although it's hardly a holiday with all the rushing around!!!). You start to see things with a tourists eyes.

Think back to why you left the UK. Was it the state of the country, for adventure, thought the kids would be better off here. For us we wanted to experience living in a different country as most of our friends have had stints abroad. We were a little unhappy with the UK but then loved where we lived (Brighton) after a sleepy town in Surrey and it was a hard choice whether to come or not.

Can you move suburbs? Would you like to be nearer the beach, countryside, city? I don't know where you are but I've been through some burbs in Mellie and would not want to live there, would rather be back in Brighton so I think the key is to see what you can improve here. Plus also living in Australia doesn't have to be a "it's forever" place. I know so many people who think that's it now but we all moved from the UK so why not in a few years when the kids are doing their own thing, think about it then - have a plan or maybe even travel back more if you need your UK fix. I know it's expensive and costly but if it evens things out the family then it's got to be worth the cost. The feeling of being stuck is probably the worst but if you get a plan together then it always helps!

I think the friends thing really hits it on the head for some people who don't have that same social group you had in the UK. We do have less friends here but then we just work all the time, we have the most unsociable job in the world so it's hard to see people sometimes at weekends. When I first arrived I really missed my friends so much, the place we were staying had no internet or even a landline so I spent many a rainy night in a phone box trying to get through to my Mum, it didn't help!

Hope things settle down for you again. I used to be like that after a holiday in Oz, it used to take me about 6 weeks to settle down. It's really hard and if Oz wasn't so far away and it was a couple of hours plane ride away I think it would be just sooooo much easier for many people.
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 2:51 am
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

That is very good advice KK!

We haven't visited UK in four years and I really wanted to, but no-one else did. It's funny how these things creep up on you! We've now booked and I'm sort of dreading it instead!

You can rest assured LOTS of people go through exactly the same!
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 4:24 am
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Don't forget that the life you have when you go on a short holiday is completely different from 'real' life. You're rushing around having the best social life but you could find that if you moved back you wouldn't see those people for weeks and weeks on end because life, work etc gets in the way. Some people are lucky and just slip back into their old life with no problems but others aren't that lucky and there's no way of knowing which camp you'd be in until you've spent the money and done the deed.

Definitely have a long chat with your wife.
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 5:30 am
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Originally Posted by longtime_lurker
I moved to Australia around five years ago with my wife and kids. Coming here was really my idea, probably down to running away from a messy extended family situation (to cut short a long story). For most of the time that we have been here we have been relatively happy. However a recent trip back to the UK (around six months ago) has changed all that and has left me desperate to return to the UK. The problem being that I am the only family member that wants to go.

The trip back to the UK made me realise that I have never really settled here. In the UK we had a social whirl catching up with friends and family which is a total contrast to my life in Australia. After returning this began to weigh on my mind and has made me take a long hard look at things. Although the Wife and kids are happily settled the same is not true for me, essentially I haven’t made a single friend in the whole time that we have been here. It also made me realise that I prefer life in a UK town to an Australian suburb. I like Australia and don't have anything against the way of life here as such it just hasn't worked out for me.

It’s got to the point where it is causing real problems in the family. My wife is fed up with how negative I have become and the situation is unsettling for the kids. I don’t want to split the family up but the thought of spending the next ten years or so here has led to me becoming severely depressed.

Have any other posters experienced anything similar and if so how was it resolved? Am I just being selfish and need to just get on with it?

Thanks for reading.
Many people in your situation. "If you dont like it leave" certainly doesnt apply when you have 4/6 people in a family to consider.

Can you stick it out for the education years, after that as kids drift off its easier to move on, but still not ideal. That was probably great advice if your kids are teens but a long wait if they are little people

Trips back home, expensive but many find it keeps them sane, money and time permitting of course.

Ive got one mate who really wants to go back and her way of coping is to 'daily mail' it, currently shes convinced living in OZ is safer cause we dont have riots ( we did actually ) but you get my drift focus heavily on the UK negatives, it works for some
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 9:05 pm
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Living in UK for a while- as opposed to an exciting whirlwind of a holiday- is definitely a different kettle of fish.

The gloss wears thinner and all the effort people make to see you whilst you are visiting on holiday transpires into a ' we must catch up some time".....

So things definitely change while you are away and it can be hard to blend back in as the UK you left back in 2006, is not the same as UK in 2011. (we left in 2000, and returned last year, but have always intended to return 2012).
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 9:22 pm
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Originally Posted by longtime_lurker
I moved to Australia around five years ago with my wife and kids. Coming here was really my idea, probably down to running away from a messy extended family situation (to cut short a long story). For most of the time that we have been here we have been relatively happy. However a recent trip back to the UK (around six months ago) has changed all that and has left me desperate to return to the UK. The problem being that I am the only family member that wants to go.

The trip back to the UK made me realise that I have never really settled here. In the UK we had a social whirl catching up with friends and family which is a total contrast to my life in Australia. After returning this began to weigh on my mind and has made me take a long hard look at things. Although the Wife and kids are happily settled the same is not true for me, essentially I haven’t made a single friend in the whole time that we have been here. It also made me realise that I prefer life in a UK town to an Australian suburb. I like Australia and don't have anything against the way of life here as such it just hasn't worked out for me.

It’s got to the point where it is causing real problems in the family. My wife is fed up with how negative I have become and the situation is unsettling for the kids. I don’t want to split the family up but the thought of spending the next ten years or so here has led to me becoming severely depressed.

Have any other posters experienced anything similar and if so how was it resolved? Am I just being selfish and need to just get on with it?

Thanks for reading.
Time to 'man up' and get on with things for your family.
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 10:15 pm
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Originally Posted by Been there
Time to 'man up' and get on with things for your family.
What does that mean?
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 10:17 pm
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Originally Posted by Bermudashorts
What does that mean?
That someone wants an argument.....
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 10:24 pm
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Originally Posted by Turban Explorer
That someone wants an argument.....

No, it's reality
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Old Aug 29th 2011, 11:15 pm
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Originally Posted by Been there
No, it's reality
Nobody is impressed with your childish antics.
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Old Aug 30th 2011, 2:56 am
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Originally Posted by longtime_lurker
I moved to Australia around five years ago with my wife and kids. Coming here was really my idea, probably down to running away from a messy extended family situation (to cut short a long story). For most of the time that we have been here we have been relatively happy. However a recent trip back to the UK (around six months ago) has changed all that and has left me desperate to return to the UK. The problem being that I am the only family member that wants to go.

The trip back to the UK made me realise that I have never really settled here. In the UK we had a social whirl catching up with friends and family which is a total contrast to my life in Australia. After returning this began to weigh on my mind and has made me take a long hard look at things. Although the Wife and kids are happily settled the same is not true for me, essentially I haven’t made a single friend in the whole time that we have been here. It also made me realise that I prefer life in a UK town to an Australian suburb. I like Australia and don't have anything against the way of life here as such it just hasn't worked out for me.

It’s got to the point where it is causing real problems in the family. My wife is fed up with how negative I have become and the situation is unsettling for the kids. I don’t want to split the family up but the thought of spending the next ten years or so here has led to me becoming severely depressed.

Have any other posters experienced anything similar and if so how was it resolved? Am I just being selfish and need to just get on with it?

Thanks for reading.
Surely it's not worth the chance of damaging the family - which it could.
Many little things in Oz annoy me and i find taking an extended holiday back to the uk resets things nicely.
I soon want to leave! Life is simply brighter in oz but you should realize a migrant is forever cursed with wanting the best of both countries.
When you get back to the UK are you sure you won't feel you've made a huge mistake?
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Old Aug 30th 2011, 3:24 am
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Default Re: I want to go home but family doesn't

Sympathies with the posting,know how you feel,same situation.

Has the mental,financial sacrifice been worth it ? NO.

GB appears worse than Oz , but is always "home".

Hope you find your way.
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