Gavin B

What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.


What's the difference between an Australian and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.


How do you define 144 Australians?
Gross stupidity.


If Santa Claus, a smart Aussie and a dumb blonde were in a room, and you tossed in a hundred dollar note, who would grab it first?
The blonde - the other two don't exist.


What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

hevs

tinaj

Great

Does anyone els have any aussie jokes?

porkchop

Gavin B

Quality gag Mr Chop!

chippy

This is all good stuff. Try this:

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

chippy

Or this:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." "Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

chippy

or even this:

Names for mother by country. Add your own as you see fit......

England = Mum
American = Mom
French = Mama
Australia = The one in the corner with 482 stamped in her ear.

chippy

And lastly, but not leastly:

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He a, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

HUP

Or even this

An Irishman arrived in Australia and went into a pub in the Outback where he asked for a glass and, having pissed into it, drank it. He then walked out the door, into the chook house and proceeded to knock the hens off their perches prior to going to the paddock, where he lifted the tail of a cow and put his ear to its anus. When he returned to the bar a few minutes later, the publican asked him to explain his strange conduct.

“Before I left Dublin,� he said, “I met an Aussie who said there are 3 things I had to do to be a real Australian. Drink the piss. Knock off the birds. And listen to the bullshit.�

friertuck

Great
Best posts I've read in ages!!!

Ceri

That's an old welsh joke (taking the mick out the English) which has been changed a bit for the kiwi's ... original one goes like this:

In the beginning, the lord God almighty turned to his best mate, the archangel Gabriel, and said: "Gabby, today I am going to create a beautiful part of the earth and I will call it Wales. I will make a country of breathtaking blue lakes, rich green forests and dark beautiful mountains. Which from time to time will be snow covered. I will give it clear, swift rivers, which will overflow with salmon and trout. The land shall be lush and fertile on which the people can raise cattle and grow their food, as well as being rich with precious metals and stones that will be sought after the world over.
"Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to mine. Around the coast, I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world. Golden sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife. With lots of islands that will be like a paradise to all who visit them. In the deep blue waters around the shores, there will be an abundance of sea life. The people who live there will be called the Welsh and will be the friendliest people on earth."

"Excuse me sir," interrupted the archangel Gabriel, "dont you think your being a bit too generous to these Welsh?"

"Don't talk rubbish," replied the lord. "Wait till you see the neighbours I'm giving them"!



--------------------------------------------------



For an Aussie/kiwi one which I found funny:

An Australian school teacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is anAll Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."


cheers

Ceri

Just found another Aussie joke one in my folder, sent to me by a kiwi friend a while back (he can laugh at himself) :

ADVICE NEEDED
I am a sailor in the Australian Navy, my parents live in Western Australia and my brother in law is a New Zealander living in Adelaide, South Australia.
My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Melbourne for a living.
My only brother is serving a life sentence in jail on charges of rape and murder.
I am in love with an aboriginal prostitute who solicits around the naval dockyard. She says she loves me but knows nothing of my family background.
We intend to marry as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn't bother her at all.
When I get out of the navy we will open a brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep it in the family.
My problem is this, I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother in law being a Kiwi?

pommie bastard

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.

Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures 'in for a penny in for a pound' - and it was fantastic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb inMelbourne."


Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "so am I - what street?"

Cameo Street" he says." "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"

"I know" he says "your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!

He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

Ceri

A very drunken Aussie rugby fan went into an English pub to drown his sorrows after the Wallabies on tour loss to England . The bar had a ventriloquist as the evening's entertainment that night. The ventriloquist started his act and was in full flow when the Aussie staggered to a seat at the bar and ordered a pint. Suddenly the ventriloquist started taking the p*ss out of the Aussies: "What about the Aussies then eh,are they stupid or what?" To the sound of laughter the Aussie rugby fan turned round and shouted: "Oy mate shut the F up you drongo," and started to take his coat off, "I'm sick and tired of hearing us Aussies being taken the p*ss out of by you English" . "Outside now!!!" shouted the Aussie... "But it's only a joke," said the ventriloquist. "You shut your pommie mouth," he shouted " I'm not talking to you , I'm talking to that little bloke on your knee"