lucy.summers

I'm afraid this has nothing to do with emigrating but need to let off some steam.

We have an 11 month old son and most of my friends refer to their husbands / partners saying things like ' they always do their tea / last milk / bath / weekend mornings etc'. I don't want to have a go at my husband as he does do quite a bit but only when it seems to suit him. If he feels like doing a bath he'll offer but doesn't seem to take into account that when he doesn't offer it still has to be done.

I don't want to seem ungrateful becuase when I'm doing all the bits for our son he does tend to be sorting things out downstairs clearing up etc but I just wish he'd take on a bit more of the day to day stuff /responsibility with Ben.

Hubbie has just started a new job and I knew when he did that the weekdays would be more on me to do everything. But this morning he didn't have to be in work till 10 and had a lie in instead of offering to take Ben to nursery so I could get into work earlier and hence leave work earlier. I know if I'd asked he'd prob have done it but I'd have then felt guilty for not letting him have a lie in when he had the chance.

Anyone else had this with first child?

Sorry to moan but just really needed to get stuff off my chest - am I being really ungrateful?

Need a

bridiej

Havent got kids myself but have friends that have been in a similar situation.

Sounds like he's being a bit selfish, perhaps he's just not realised things need to change and instead of having a lie in himself should get up and do something with your child.

I'd have a word with him, he probably just hasnt realised how his actions have come across, sure it's unintentional.

lucy.summers

Thanks - I know you're probably right but I'm one of these people that tries to avoid confrontation and I know he'll come back saying about how he does other stuff whilst I'm dealing with Ben - may have a few glasses of wine tonight and then broach the subject!!!

bridiej

I hate confrontation too but better to talk to him rationally than fly off the handle and end up with a huge row.

philian4

Hiya,

Call me an old cynic, but start as you mean to go on!!! your husband is like a million other men!!!!

we have 4 children and my hubbie always looks keen enough but unless I spell it out for him he would do very little-I still do the majority of things but when I've had enough I just give him step by step instructions and leave him to it. Most of them don't think past their own needs-i.e helping you to leave for work means benefits all round -rather than just a lie in for his sake. I believe in give and take but don't bottle it in-it'll just end up in resentment and turn your son into a reason to row or feel resentment towards your hubbie.


Hopr the rant made you feel better!!!!!

Phil x

CadburysFingers

Are you not better telling your husband all this, instead of a load of strangers. Bloody hell, its 2005 now, not 1905 where women felt they had to obey their man. Thrash it out between yourselves.

madsad

Hi Lucy,

Hubby & i have had wayyyy too many arguments about this through the years
We have two daughters,our first daughter,things were hard & i learned the more you do,the more your man will let you do! it wasn't a case of hubby was reluctant to do his share,more a case of he didn't think,or it was my fault because i didn't wake him up to tend to a screaming baba or i didn't ask (why the hell should i ask him to tend to OUR child)things improved but only for so long then it would slip back into the same routine,me doing everything
When our second daughter was born it wasn't as bad but i still had to prod him every so often into changing,feeding,etc...

Must say now he does ok,kids dont give him 2 minutes peace doesn't mind doing household chores,even ironing!
All the screaming,shouting & tears though out the years must have been worth it after all!

Not easy i know but try to talk it out with him & dont stop talking about it until you have it all off your chest,its not easy coping day to day even with a good baby,its his son too & he should share a little of the responsibility of day to day caring?

Hope it all works out x Karma sent.

Donna.

madsad

I find your reply very harsh & ignorant.

Sometimes its easier to talk to a load of strangers,who the hell gave you the right to tell people what they can & cant say on the forum??

Donna.

lucy.summers

Thanks madsad,

I will def have a chat this evening. You are right that sometimes it is much easier to just get it off the chest to a load of strangers.

Thanks

Lucy

hooperhome

Lucy

I have sent you some karma, I'm sure you will work it out. And yes, a problem shared and all that, I agree it can help to offload on strangers.

Theresa

amanda76

thoughts are with you, i have 3 girls!! and my friend once said to me, when you realise men are men you will feel better. you HAVE to tell them what to do, they just dont see what we see! they dont see the washing building up, or the pile of ironing on the side, or the toilets that need cleaning - thats men for you!!!!

i must admit though that although i try to keep the above advice in my mind, women are women and it does come to a head and i let rip!! once in a while! i even get fed up of hearing my own voice, karma sent

amandax

ub40fan

totally agree with amanda, men just cannot see what is under their noses unless you point it out to them. It has taken many years of training to get my husband to a standard I am happy with!!!

He was in the army for 22 years, and while he would iron his uniform and get all his own kit ready, he wouldn't even realise that my uniform would need doing too (I was in the army for a few years too). However, once it was pointed out to him he would do mine too, what a result!

Once we had kids he would get up in the night to them if they needed it, but only once I had woken him up to tell him it was his turn. I don't know why they don't seem to have the same hearing as we do.

I think you should talk to him about it, children belong to both of you and not just one. But I would say do it calmly. The thought of helping you out this morning would not have occured to him, and unless you point it out to him, it probably won't occur to him next time either.

Hope you get the result you want.

Shirley

sme

I would totally agree with having to spell it out for them . I know in an ideal world your man would notice whats under his nose and do these things without you saying......but hey who lives in the ideal world
Alot of men are a bit scared of babies and feel intimidated by their partners capability so get into this cycle of never building confidence because they're not doing it, and then leaving it longer and longer and longer.Whilst on the other hand their partners are getting better and better at this baby care malarkey

Good luck and K sent

Gillian

fraser

I think you're all a disgrace heaven forbid Rachel should read this and expect me to do stuff. In future will you please keep your seedy ramblings private

ub40fan

I bet you do your share, you don't fool me! I bet there is loads you teach your kids , probably stuff you shouldn't :scared: but hey at least you are involved