Machiavelli

I'm not too sure whether I should actually post this.

Maybe I'll just type and then, at the end, decide whether to post or delete.

Apologies to all who may be affected in any way, and to those who may be offended or hurt in any way.

I am a people person , I NEED people input to survive. I have had the HARDEST life, but do not feel sorry for myself. I have never felt sorry for myself, but have felt sorry for many others I have met along the way.

I am THE ultimate survivor!

So, today I arranged for a lady I met months ago to meet with me and the two best friends I have had since shortly after my arrival here in Brisbane.

This lady, P, lost her middle daughter, to cancer, last March.

My friends, K will be 40 tomorrow, A will be 40 on 17th, they are the best friends anyone could wish for. We all met up, with other ,newer, but great, friends of mine today. We spent the whole day laughing and joking about A & K being 40 and how they will have to get themselves sorted, life is very short, how old will you be tomorrow/next week, get a life, etc., etc.,

Then, we were in the car park, saying goodbye, after a great day, "we'll have to do this again, more often, next week", etc., etc.,

Then this lady, P, tells us that her daughter would have been 40 on Monday just past, but died last March, after fighting bowel cancer for 8 years, yes, EIGHT years! Leaving a 15 year old son behind.

I called P earlier to apologise for us being so 'over the top' celebrating K & A's birthdays. She said, Oh! M, I hope that I didn't offend your friends, they were lovely girls!

K & A have rung me tonight to say how sorry they are for being here, alive, when P's daughter should have been here with us to celebrate HER birthday.

I am bereft!

I cannot contemplate the thought that I would survive any of my children.

I cannot even begin to know how anyone could live after the loss of a child.

I can't believe that I have just found out today, at the end of what I thought was a lovely day, that we have indavertently hurt P, a very lovely lady.

I have decided to post this.

Maybe, just maybe, it will make someone a better person than me. I feel a complete failure as a friend to anyone right now.

M

knockoff nige

Without trying to sound rude, I think you are overreacting. But thats only natural considering the news you were hit with. Noones fault and these things happen. In fact, I am famous for saying the wrong thing. If its been 8 years then I'm sure 'P' has accepted the loss of her daughter and has been in more awkward situations than this. My sister lost her first 2. Obviously that was very difficult for her but she has accepted her loss. She has more kids now. 'P' atleast has a grandson to remind her of her daughter.

Machiavelli

Of course you're not rude!

Friend P, lost her daughter last March, after an 8 year battle with cancer, So very recent for her, and her grandson.

Sorry, I just feel that there is nothing I can do to make things any easier for her or her family, but feel very guilty for the day we had today before knowing her circumstances.

M

BethandAndrew

Hi M
Glad you had a great day out hun.......and that you still care about other people!!!!
Big hug to you
Beth x x

Fly Away

You are a lovely lady and I'm sure 'P' knows this. I don't think she would think you had deliberately set out to upset her.

I lost both my parents by the time I was 26. I have many a time listened to friends chatting away about their parents - sometimes moaning about them. It does still hurt sometimes - but I know they would be dreadfully upset if they knew they had upset me. I know it is unintentional and it is a natural thing to talk about your parents. I'm sure your friend knows it it is natural to celebrate being 40.

Take care and try not to worry.

asher

you daft bat!!

if she knew she had left you feeling like this she would be terribly upset I bet!

She must have had a lovely day to be able to tell you about her daughter I expect she wouldn't have said anything at all if she had been hurt. If it did hurt her she would have made an excuse to leave!

you are so sweet and kind and are a brilliant friend and that is why you are feeling like this.
But stop beating yourself up and think about it again from a positive angle! I expect she did wish her daughter could have celebrated with you and she celebrated for her daughter and I expect felt a bit better for it so good for you for giving her such a nice time that she could talk about her daughter

joho

Hey come on, you know she wouldn't want you to feel that. I think that you should be flattered that she felt comfortable with you to be able to disclose that. If she isnt upset you shouldnt let it get to you.

Jo

tillysmum

Dont feel too bad as someone else has said she didn't have to tell you, so feel honoured that she felt able to share it with you. Perhaps she felt safe enough to share and wants to talk to you about her daughter, not everyone is willing to listen.

why dont you see if she feels able to meet up around her daughters birthday and share some of her memories with her of her daughter, share some funny and not so funny stories. It may be what she needs someone to share her grief with.

Often when a loved one dies people dont talk to you about it as they dont want to upset you or say the wrong thing. But sometimes saying something shows you care and have the courage to do so.

Like you I find it hard to understand how people cope when they lose a child its bad enough when a parent dies.

sending Karma

vickys

ah sweetie, big hugs coming your way, you didn't hurt her intentional and you should feel very special for her to share that with you, i know it won't help you in me saying this but dont worry, you obviously are very tuned into people's feelings and you are a very caring person, maybe through empathy maybe somehting else but i'm sure she thinks you are special and having memories can be lovely.

Hope everything is ok

take care babe

moneypenny20

You can't not talk about things on the off chance that someone in the group has suffered something similar in the past etc. If you don't know, you don't know. If she was upset she would have left. She probably loved the chance to meet with people who were her daughter's age. My father's dead but I would never assume that others wouldn't talk about their fathers - there's no logic.

As you said - life's too short. It's definitely too short to worry about something when the person concerned has told you not to worry.

Nu-Shooz

You are being too hard on yourself. Of course "P" is hurting and will for along time, but in general she needs happy people around her and i can't think of anyone more caring than you.

Machiavelli

Thank you all for your kind replies, also those who sent PMs and karma.

I guess I felt guilty on Wednesday that I did not know that it was P's daughter's 40th birthday, or would have been, on Monday. If I'd known, I'd have left off introducing them to each other for another couple of weeks. I don't think I'd have felt so bad about it if it hadn't been a 'big' birthday.

You are all right. She had a brilliant time.

And, I agree, when someone dies, or suffers in any way, I'm the type who talks about it to and with them. I'd have hated it if people ignored the fact that my Dad had died.

I'd like to end the thread on a 'high' note.

My Dad died 5 years ago. When that happened I wanted the whole world to stop. I still miss him like crazy, but as time has passed, the pain eases. A few months ago, on the forum for my home town, someone in Canada posted a thread asking about my Dad.

I responded, obviously, and it turns out that this guy has just retired and his family bought him a computer and showed him how to use the internet. He had been my Dad's apprentice! We've emailed back and forth and he's told me some whoppers about my Dad. Stuff that Dad would never have told me because no matter how old I got, he still thought that I was a GIRL! I've laughed my socks off at some of his antics. It makes me feel good to think that after thirty odd years in Canada, this guy still remembers my Dad.

Again, thank you for all your kindness,

M

FluffyTheCampfireSlayer

Sincere sentiments but perhaps a bit OTT?

I'm sure that 'P' perfectly understands and doesn't begrudge anyone celebrating a birthday!!

Death happens to all of us in some way or shape or form, we all deal with it differently but at the end of the day, people generally deal with it well and have their own mechanisms for coping - I'm sure 'P' has hers.

Kapri

My husband lost his 5 year old son. It is a terrible thing to lose a child but he understands that life goes on and not everyone feels his pain.

You didn't hurt this lady at all. Her grief will come and go but she won't resent you for celebrating your friends birthdays. If she had found it difficult she would have left.

In fact she may have been grateful for a chance to talk about her daughter.
Your best bet is to listen to her talk, maybe even ask about her.
Don't get so caught up with embarassment that you never talk to her again.

In other words - don't worry

kiwinow

I agree. You know I work in a Rest Home and I've had 90 year olds whose "kids" have died before them and it doesn't seem fair, but to espect that no one will ever talk about their family in front of you again is ridiculous. Honestly, she probably had the greatest day in the company of women her daughter's age.