sunny side up

hi all,

i've been waiting for my pros.marriage visa for almost six weeks now and i feel that it can be here any day now (i could be wrong of course...) but there's so much going through my head allready.
as you know, with this visa you have to get married within 9 months of it being granted, and that scares me to sh*ts sometimes.
i love 'the man' to death, we've known eachother for well over 2.5 years now, started off as friends and eventually became 'lovers'. i want nothing more than to be with him, but i'm so scared of the pressure that me moving over there might put on our relationship not to mention the MUST GET MARRIED bit...he's only recently divorced his wife, i was always the one to say that i'd never get married, but we figured 'if there ever was a good reason to get married' it would be because you cant be together otherwise - so that's what we're doing...
neither of us are in the position to spend 12 months together to be able to go for a defacto-visa, so that was never an option. but so far we have never been together for more than 2 months at a time, with one of us on holidays and the other working as little as they could in order to spend time together. it worries me that things might be completely different once we're in 'real life' together - with both of us having to go to work, bills having to be paid and on top of all that, me getting used to not being in my own little 'comfort-zone' and having to start all over in a new country.

im sure that things will settle once i start to settle, but i'm so worried about those first few months...

i know there's a few of you on this forum that are or have been in a similar situation and i was just wondering how you deal/have dealt with this - how to maintain your strong and loving relationship when you might not be feeling all that happy?

please feel free to comment!

tanja

p.s. when i first started looking at this forum i never understood the smilies with the beer - it couldnt be that bad, i thought - but i've just realized that mr. heineken has made a small fortune on me in the past few weeks...is there an immigration-related aa-group somewhere, or does it wear off after a while? (dont suppose moving to beer-land helps a lot...)

Don

Good luck.

Given you don't need to get married immediately, don't. Get to know the old sod a bit better. Maybe you'll be a wiser person in 6 months.

sunny side up

oops, just re-read my post - i seem to be whinging a bit - thats what you get on those long, lonely nights...a bit too much self-pity sometimes...

basically, what i said in the above post is what i'm meaning to say/ask, but it might need a bit of a positive twist...now it looks like im seriously doubting the things that im doing, which im not...do i still make sense now???

anyway - questions still the same - how to deal with stuff like that - but the 'undertone' could've been a bit more positive (and i dont feel like re-writing it again, really)

tanja

Stevelfc1

take the plunge, go over there, see how it goes then get married if it works out, if it dont come back home.

if you dont try it out you'll never know and always wonder.

Live life now and enjoy it all you can!

Steve

swiss tony

Although I now consider myself an expert on the ups and downs of pros spouse visas I won't give too much comment on this for various reasons

The one thing I will say is that you do have to follow your heart. If you did not go then you would probably regret it forever, at least this way you will know you have given it your best shot. Of course there will be pressure but I am a firm believer that if you are both totally honest with each other and talk about all your worries and concerns, that will go a long way to allieving a lot of that pressure.

All the best,

David

Hels

The only thing i can really add to this is really look at the reasons you are going. Would you want to be in Australia if it werent for this guy? Are you moving over only because of him?

In my opinion, if you answered no to the first question and yes to the second, think long and hard before you go. When somone moves to be with another, it puts untold pressure on both people. The one moving, as they are sacrificing their whole life to be with this person and the one that isnt, knowing that the other is sacrificing their whole life to be with them. It is a pressure that most couples who meet locally dont have to over come and it can quite honestly be a pressure that can cause untold problems.

I wish you both alot of luck and hope it all works out for you.

Hels

Pollyana

The best advice I can give you Tanja, is go for it, because you won't know how it'll work till you get there. There is a lot of pressure on Pros Spouse Visa people, not just "having" to get married, but having to get in the nxt visa instalment as well. Although its tempting to leave the wedding till the last minute of the 9 months, that then increases the pressure for getting the visa in.
I promise you, it will be tough, new rel'ship plus new country is a lot all at once, but it can be done - I know,I'm doing it! Unfortunately it dodn't work for David (SwissTony), but he is in a minority.
You have to be honest with your partner - keep reminding him that although HE is used to being here, YOU aren't. Thats one of the hardest bits, they take things for granted - where to shop, where to find things etc, cos they've always known. They tend to forget that we are like lost souls and haven't a clue!!
Make the most of the chance to meet people, then you start to feel you have a life of your own, that makes it easier than it just being the two of you.
However, you sound like you have the right attitude, and you already have a good relationship - and have spent longer with your guy than I had with The Bloke when I took the risk and came over. Its only natural to be worried - but thats what we're all on the forum for, to talk about it.

Pity you aren't heading for brissie, but I can always chat through the forum!

Polly
xx

Siren & Brian

Been there done that and almost have got the T'shirt..... we are in our 6 month of the 9 months before we must marry, and are getting married in 5 weeks.... OMG 5 weeks :scared: shit better get of here and organise the wedding.... she is going to kill me.

Christina will post soon as she is going through what you are about to go through.

Simone

Can't really help, but what Pollyana says about making your own life here, own friends, makes a lot of sense! (the rest also makes sense!)

And with the Perth ladies club and our (very) slowly growing group xpdite members, you should be fine!

You can never know till you're here. Take it week by week. Keep the communication going.

Wow, can't imagine what you're going through, it makes moving extra extra scary and exciting.

Good luck

Hope the visa comes soon!!!!!!!

mlbonner

Hey,

You're entitled to whinge occassionally anyway. It is tough, make no mistake, I've known blokely for over four years and lived with him for 13 months, but moving here 'for good' does bring a whole new feel to it.
Our main problem is his Ex (who I would quite happily let walk of a cliff sometimes), though in itself shes not a real problem, it just tends to accumulate more, as at the moment I dont have a job and my best friends are on the otherside of the world. Little things that aren't real problems I find have a habit of building up. Blokely and I soon worked this out, now if either of us have a problem, even a small one, we make sure we share it and work it out. Once I have a bigger circle of friends I think this wont happen anyway. The little frustrations I find can normally be resolved with a bit of a gossiping sess with a couple of mates

I agree with Pollys advice (as always ) completely. I've gone out scuba diving, did a 10km run last weekend and planning another one already, met up with some expats, met up with some other friends I know in the area all without my boyf. Makes you feel like you have a reason OTHER than him to be here, which IMO is very important. I always think that he was enough to make me move here, but isn't enough to make me stay. You have to be happy here on your own terms as well I think. We've also found things to do together, including planning to build a house.
I often remind blokely that for me EVERYTHING has changed, for him, its just having me aroud (though that is drastic enough some might say ). There is a period of adjustment, I think you just need to be patient and honest with eachother, then any little teething problems remain just that, little.

Good luck with it all - I certainly don't regret moving here.

Simone

Michelle, that comment about building a house together gave me an idea.
I can imagine it would be very good to have something to do that's new to both of you.
Or, move into a new house/appartement/area together, not the one he's always lived in(esp if that was with an ex!!!).
Cos I think like Poll said, one important issue is that he's know's it all, is in his 'comfort zone'. And you are definetly not.


Anyway, just some idea's.

bondipom

Yikes. I thought about getting married to my partner back in 98 and even obtained a NOIM. As with you the thought scared me so backed out and we lived in the UK for a few years and came back on a De facto visa.

We are now happily married.

Only you can work out what is the right thing to do. Good luck.

Sandra

I know you are adding moving Aus to the mix of marrying someone and that is piling on the pressure. But relationships can work regardless of time spent together and where you live - it is what all the great advice on here has said. You make your relationship work by talking and talking and then ensuring you take time out for yourselves together and individually.

On a personal level I never wanted to stay in mainland UK - had been there a year and was desperate to move on (I hated it! Coming from Northern Ireland I knew where I liked ) - then IT Happened - we started going out on New Years Eve and Married on the 18th Feb - I ended up spending the next 13 years in Reading the arse hole of nowhere, and he put up with me saying it a lot. We are now nearly 16 years married and we have just spent the last 2.5 in Aus we have had hard times and good times and our relationship keeps getting better. Mutual support is what helps as as Pollyanna says a dig everynow and again to remind the bloke you need some support if it is not forthcoming (possibly support with flowers and beer and some mates!).

Best of luck and stop panicking too much, too much emphasis can be put on knowing the ins and outs of each other before making a decision - sometimes it can fun finding out as you go along and in six months you are going to have a much better idea!

JayDeee

HI Tanja,

My situation is slightly different but I had all the same worries you are having.

I met my husband whilst he was in the UK on a working holiday visa in October 2001, he had only been here a few months so time wasn't an issue but a year later we were living together and time on his visa was running out. We had planned a trip to Vegas for Jan 2003 so decided to get married there, It was a bloody big decission to make as we had only been together just over a year but we knew that we loved eachother and would probably marry in a couple of years and as it was the only way we could be together.

So Jan 21st 2003 we got married in the little white wedding chapel in Vegas (Britney coppied us) A few friends doubted us and we have had our ups and downs but I think marriage has made us work harder at the relationship. 1 year and 8 months later we are goin strong and are off to Australia next month to live there for a few years, decide where we like best and take it from there.

This might not have worked for everyone but at the end of the day had we not married my hubby would have had to go back to Australia July 2003 and we would have been left wondering what if.

I am petrified of goin to Australia next month, I have met all his family and friends a few times but at the end of the day they are his friends, my main issue is that I must make friends of my own so I can be me and not just "Ant's wife from England"

Follow your heart and give it a go, you can always turn back but you will probably only get one chance of moving forward in this particular direction.

Good Luck
Kala

sharkin

Yes I agree with this one. I did the same thing with my partner. It can be difficult moving into someones life and for someone to have another moving into theirs. We moved into a new house. Old habits after living alone in a place can be hard to break. We also had a joint account for the house bills and savings and kept our own accounts to start with for personal spends. I couldn't complain if she bought too much outdorr stuff. And also set some ground rules about sharing work loads and having own time without it being considered an insult. No we don't have all these rules because it has all worked out slowly as we lived together. Some of it may sound a bit anal but it helped take away some potential areas of tension.