HiddenPaw

We have been back in UK for 7 months now (to have baby) and altho we are over the moon with our new life (i.e. as parents, but pretty much OK with the Uk too) we are already talking about moving overseas again (that would most likely be Australia).

However.....having just introduced the first grandchild into the family, there are now four doting and besotted grandparents. I just don't know how we would tell them we are planning to go abroad again.

For anyone taking children with them to Oz, how did you present it to their grandparents and how did the grandparents react? Did you also consider whether the grandparents play an important role in the children's lives too? (I grew up in a very small family (parents both only children) and often felt like I would have liked a bigger family around me.) Would I be denying the baby something by taking her away?...(she would have an auntie and uncle in Australia tho).

These are genuine questions and I am grateful for all replies of how others are managing this type of situation.

Thanks
HP

isoquote

Hi there,

We lesft the UK as small children (I was 3yrs old)

What you have to remember is that there are advantages and disadvantages to both scenarios:

Grandparents are great babysitters;

Grandparents identify another facet of unconditional love;

Grandparents can spoil your children;

Kids who are in contant contact can become close to grandparents which can cause emotional reliance on them. (Not necessarily a bad thing)

Six adults all have varying views on how a loved child should be brought up which can cause friction.

Grandparents can undermine your own role as parent;


Kids are very adaptable but those with fewer links are closer to their immediate families.

What you haven't got you don't missjavascript:smilie('')


Hope I haven't divuleged my own motives for wanting to leave:-)


isoquote

trainee_pilot

I have told my parents about our planned move to oz, their response about my daughter.....Absolutely fantastic, they realise its an opportunity for her to see and experience a great adventure and have given us full support.

As many people mention on here, they are only 24 hours away and the internet is a wonderful piece of kit for keeping in touch

Go for it, I'm sure they will wish you all the best

Caroline G

Hi Hiddenpaw,

We are heading for Melbourne after our house is sold. Funny enough both of us are in a similar position to you.

My husband & I come from quite small families ie Mum, Dad & siblings. My husband is the youngest of 3 boys and we are the only ones so far to have had a grandchild for his parents. They are in their 70's & his Mum is not in the best of health.

I have a sister with twin boys & I am very close to my parents, sister & newphews.

I know that I will miss them all very much & my Mum has been more than helpful looking after my son & giving me some time out. I work p/time & during this time my son & mother have build a wonderful relationship. I do think grandparents are an asset even thought I never had a grandparent relationship as either decd & only living Nan in Ireland (now decd)

It is a difficult situation & sometimes I do feel selfish for taking their grandson away and they do come out with the odd guilt trip saying. However, I think we are doing the right thing by trying to make his life & ours better in the long run.

We told our familes about our intentions a long time ago so they have got used to the idea. Hubby is in IT so have tried to soften the blow with webcam, e-mail etc.

Also, they are retired so they can come on long 3 month trips!

Do what you feel in your heart bearing in mind if baby is very young you maybe crazy on those hormones . Have a good long hard think.

PS I have some really great friends that have become family in my eyes so sure you will meet some other great folks in Oz.

maxpaxx

Hi HP,

Cute babe!

Don't start me on this subject!!

This is quite pertinent to us. We have a 3 year old and 1 1/2 year old girls. Ever since we had children it seems like your parents can become quite suffocating. For me anyway. My sister does not have any and does not intend to so this adds extra pressure.

She would deny it wildly but Mum was really off with us for ages about all this. She seems fine now but slips little digs in where she can!

I hate interference with the way I bring my girls up. I am a steadfast follower of Gina Ford!! ..and consequently have two healthy girls that eat everything only drink water and sleep from 7-7......too much interference doesn't really gel well with the routine for me!

I think it depends on the relationship you yourself have with your parents really. If you are really close and had a good balanced childhood you may find it hard.

For us we are fiercly independant so it's not an issue. Wether it's right for the girls - bottom line the happier we are the happier they are.

I certainly hope that I can become the kind of parent I would have liked myself. Always being there if needed, never making demands or causing guilt and I think that involves having a full and interesting life for yourself.

The only problem I have is who the hell is going to babysit when we only know 2 people in Perth!

It's hard I know - good luck with whatever you decide HP.

Max x:

banjo

ok....similar for us. My family are all in South Africa and my husbands mum, dad, one sister and grandma are in the UK from where we left in January this year.

Our eldest son is now 2 and when we made the decision to come out here he wasn't particularly close to his grandparents, and neither was I! But a lot changed in the year from when we told them to when we left. So much so that I was the one crying when all the goodbyes were being said.

By this time I was pregnant with our second. Everyone says children are adaptable and will forget. Not sure when this is going to happen for our eldest. To this day he still asks to see 'grandma and grandpa' or 'auntie' or 'my Beth' (his friend) That can be quite heartbreaking at times....and I really feel guilty for taking him away even though materially his life will be so much better here. I've come to realise just how important people are.

On a more practical note.....the family were not constant babysitters, but there were times that we could call them just for some time to ourselves. No so here. And we don't know anyone enough to leave our little darlings with them and so have been on call 24hrs a day for the last five months. We're exhausted.

If I could go back and make the decision again.......? I'd stay with the people that love us in the tiny pokey house, with tiny pokey garden and our car which was old but went like a dream. I'd put up with taking 30mins to go 5 miles down the road in all the narrow congested roads. Internet is fine but not the same as seeing somone face to face and having a cup of tea....flights are expensive....homesickness is great

Pants

Hi HP

Mhhhhh tough one....I brought our daughter out here to OZ when she was 5months old. I was so wrapped up in being a new first time mum that I really didn't consider many future things. I remember really crying my eyes out weeks leading upto our departure. My mum is a widow and has been since she was 39 so I really needed to know how she felt about her youngest daughter trooping of to the other side of the world with her newest grandaughter. My Mum was fantastic...she said all the unselfish things I expected from my loving mum. Didn't make it easy for me but it did help thinking I was doing the right thing !!Saying goodbye at the airport was the hardest as my mum was cuddling my daughter and trying so hard not to cry.God knows how she kept control.!!My best mate was there too and I knew my mum would at least have her for comfort on the way home.

I cried on and off all the way to OZ. I kept feeling that I was robbing my mum of her grandaughter.

My husbands parents live here in Oz about 10 mins away and my idea of grandparents and theirs are totally different. They never offer to take our daughter out to the park or even for a walk or anything!They have never bathed her, fed her, put her to bed, even when she was a 6month old bubs with gastroenteritus( can't spell, and we were living with them) they never even offered to help me with her....my husband was also puking his guts up at the same time from being ill. All in all I have had no support here in the sense of family. I know our daughter is our responsibilty and I don't expect her to be whisked away by her grandparents for great trips out all the time but I did expect more than how our life has been for the last 21/2 years.

Luckily she is young enough not to realise yet that she is treated differently to the other 3 grandchildren here.I don't ever want her to grow up around this.

All in all HP my in-laws are not going to change this is how they are and I want my daughter and any future babies I have to KNOW they have extended family and a grandparent who will show them they are loved and cared for.

This is one of the reason's why we are going back to the UK. This is my reason. I personally feel I have put up with enough here and even though my grandparents didn't play a big role in my life thats doesn't mean the same has to apply to my mum and daughter. As Banjo says nothing beats being able to pop in to either a mates house for a cuppa or even being able to call upon a family member when needed.

On an up side my mum can't wait to meet her grandaughter and neither can my 2 sisters, nieces, my aunts and all my mates who all have children around the same age. My daughter will be blessed with all the love on the world from these people. Thats one thing I am SURE of.

Just my experience HP....and there is no way we could afford to nip back to the Uk for regular holidays and my mum/friends can't afford to keep coming over here as often as they would like. For me I can't imagine having another bubs here with the given situation. I have coped with the things that have happened but sometimes the thought of having a helping loving hand would be much appreciated. !!

jad n rich

Is saying its only 24 hours away realisitc There are 5 in our family a trip back to the UK to see family costs $15,000 (Feb 2004 for 4 weeks) and we had free accom all the time! How often do you think we can afford that!! and we earn above the average wage. Dont convert this to pounds we earn $$$$ and in Australia that is a lot of money to save. Plus how often do you get a job with holidays in Australia.

Plenty of visitors from the UK first year, all had a look see, now its oh yeah its too long a flight, too much money, were getting older now.

I'd love to hear other long term immigrants views on this one for us that 24 hours seems a long way off

jeannie

As a Nanna myself I can not believe your in-laws....time to go home my dear let them get on with there life...all the best to you. Go give that Mom of yours a big Hug!!!!!!!!!

lynnj

Hi HP

Hows life with that lovely baby? Isnt it amazing how quickly it passes.

We left "home" when my boys were 2 and 3, after that they saw their grandparents a couple of times a year which everyone seemed fine with, my in laws were always great with the boys whereas my parents were in their opinion "too old" to do anything with them, but we have never been in the position where either of them have really babysat for us or taken the kids out for the day etc.

So when we decieded to come here it wasnt really that much of an issue, untill we announced that we were having another and that it would be born in australia, that then made us mean disrespectful wicked children. Since Indie was born the only time i felt bad about us being here and them being there was when my mum was in hospital and we didnt know how bad it was, i kept thinking i cant let her die without seeing indie.

I'm not making much sence here and making a really bad job of getting my point across but what i'm trying to say is that in our case the novelty wore off for the grandparents once they kids werent babies anymore, once they needed more attention, demanded more and needed more energy from everyone the grandparents visits came less frequent.

Since we have been here we have made many good friends who give us a much better support network than when we lived close to our families.

You have to do what is right for you and yours, not for your parents, they wont be around forever but when they have gone it will be too late to make the change (again ).

Where are you thinking on heading for this time?

Lynn

Pants

Originally posted by jeannie
    > As a Nanna myself I can
not believe your in-laws....time to go home my dear let them get on with
there life...all the best to you. Go give that Mom of yours a big
Hug!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Jeannie.

Yes hard to believe I
know.....my hubby is so sad about the way they have behaved and its was
his suggestion that we move back to the UK...he's an Aussie born and
bred.I am however still being blamed for the decision even though he has
told them it was his! Sometimes people just WANT to find fault!

We
both said we will never treat our grandchildren this way !!As for my mum
well she will be smitten with our daughter thats for sure !!:) :)


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Posted via http://britishexpats.com

tmichael

Oh boy what a topic. There is no "fit all"answer. Every situation will be diffent. Do not mortgage your future for the present. If you stay or return to UK to be with Grandparents just remember that when they go, it will be too late for you to do anything with your life and your children will probably be in a similar dilema, with you on the receiving end.

Also Do you want your children to grow up in the society that was sufficiently flawed for you want to leave it?

Grandarents who blackmail there children on this subject are not putting the interest of their children first but are considering their own needs as a priority. Are these the ones that are going to the supportive grandparents that most would like?

Grandparents can travel. This generation of wrinklies have never had it so good. Saga has made the seniors world travellers so dont sucumb to that sob story.

DarrenD

For me, the answer is that its hard.

The common thing the answers have here is money. You need to put money aside to factor in for this.

For us, it means travelling each year (either paying for them to or for us to travel to them), but wifee constantly feels she's depriving them of precious time with grandkids.

Grandparents are not really prepared for the internet so were getting them a DVD player to put pictures and videos on (much easier to post and store than all those videos).

If they were up for webcams we'd use that, but dont think they would.

They live in South AFrica, so would expect it to only last a week before its robbed, then who would get a new one for them and set it up ?

By the way, wife also spend approx £80 - £100 per month on long distance phone calls too (using OneTel) - roll on VoIP.

walaj

When we told the parents that we were expecting a baby (our first) at the end of the year, we also followed it up with the news that we were moving to Oz

It will be my fathers first blood grandchild (others from my mothers first marriage) and he is more excited about the baby than my mother - tells me to look after his grandson (not that we know the sex!) and wants scan photo. At the same time he can understand why we want to try Australia and it is our life etc and he is not holding us back/making it difficult for us.

I not expecting the gps to babysit (my parents bit on the old side, FIL out of the country most of the time, the MIL maybe occassionally but lives far away). Maybe not being close to our parents as many other children are, we don't feel as 'guilty' 'taking' the gc away.

From the start of knowing the existance of the baby they have known that around 14mths after the birth we will be moving. I have seen the comment several times before that it is better to tell earlier, giving them time to adjust to your thoughts and make the most of the time before you move.

Don't you think that they would have considered before that that your not often seeing their future grandchildren often when you first moved to Oz?

HiddenPaw

Thanks for all your replies...it's given me lots of things to think about. Will add before I go further that with baby beside me, I might have to do this reply in stages!!

Max, like you I am the only provider of grandchildren on our side of the family - sis lives in Oz and can't have kids. I have had pressure for 10 years to come up with a baby - LOL. My mum has previosuly served a few 'verbal warnings' about her being in UK with the possibility of grandchildren in OZ. She thinks it fate that my sister can't have kids as it would be wrong for the kids to be on the other side of the world to her. I'm not scared of my mum, but I don't want to break her heart. She once told me she would die if her grandchildren were in Oz.

Caroline you might have hit the nail on the head with hormones....I am confused beyond belief. We should be excited about our fortcoming house move but instead we are unsettling ourselves with all this Oz talk again!

I do know how difficult it is living apart from families - my husband is close to his family and missed them terribly while we were away. Strangely, it's him who seems to be homesick for Melbourne! 24hrs away from UK is not long but it isn't the same as actually growing up with relatives around you.

Tmichael, we went to Oz in the first place with the intention of having an adventure before we settled down in the Uk to start a family, not to escape the UK....now we just don't know where we want to be. I can honestly say that I would be equally as happy to bring my children up in UK as I would Oz - there are good and bad to both. When we were in Oz, there were many things that we thought were important to us [and that being in the UK was right]. Now it seems as tho some of those things aren't so important after all.

One thing we did say was important was that we wanted the baby to grow up knowing her grandparents while she still could. This is why I'm confused.....here we are doing a u-turn and talking about taking her away from family.

Time to go and bash my head against a wall again...

p.s. Lynn, how is Indie? we don't know where in Oz....maybe still Vic but away from the city.

thanks again all of you for your replies
HP