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How do you cope with your Mum??

How do you cope with your Mum??

Old Oct 18th 2004, 9:54 pm
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Default How do you cope with your Mum??

I have just had a really lovely few days away - came back and the first thing I got was hassle off my Mum about me going to Aus and that I should have phoned her whilst I was away (for f**** sake I'm nearly 40!!) etc etc.

Everyone else is pleased that I'm going or rather they are pleased for me (hope it is that way!!)

How do other people cope with the emotional backlash of emigrating whilst supporting upset parents. Sometimes I feel guilty; sometimes feel like saying 'sod it - I'm going and thats that'
Any tips for making it easier for those involved?
thanks, Cas
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 10:43 pm
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Hi Cas,

It sounds like your Mum is being a pain, but my Mum can get a bit like this too!

If we go away I have to phone asap to let her know we have landed safely and she then lets the rest of family know on my behalf!! Mad init??!! If I dont phone I know I will get an ear bashing!! :scared:

The way I look at it (with my Mum anyway) is that I think.....well its cos she cares......and prob worries too!! Its damn frustrating (believe me I know!!) but sometimes yer gotta bite the bullet, say sorry and give her a hug!

I think even at 40 (Im 35) parents still worry and concerning your future plans these worries are heightened.

Hope this helps, (OMG I feel like an agony aunt now!! )
(And dont feel guilty I am sure your Mum is very proud of what you are doing!)

Best of luck, cyber hug to ya!!

Cheeky
 
Old Oct 18th 2004, 10:49 pm
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Originally Posted by Cheeky
Hi Cas,

It sounds like your Mum is being a pain, but my Mum can get a bit like this too!

If we go away I have to phone asap to let her know we have landed safely and she then lets the rest of family know on my behalf!! Mad init??!! If I dont phone I know I will get an ear bashing!! :scared:

The way I look at it (with my Mum anyway) is that I think.....well its cos she cares......and prob worries too!! Its damn frustrating (believe me I know!!) but sometimes yer gotta bite the bullet, say sorry and give her a hug!

I think even at 40 (Im 35) parents still worry and concerning your future plans these worries are heightened.

Hope this helps, (OMG I feel like an agony aunt now!! )
(And dont feel guilty I am sure your Mum is very proud of what you are doing!)

Best of luck, cyber hug to ya!!

Cheeky
Cheers Cheeky, I know you're right - just hope that she doesn't still feel like this when I go in about 12 weeks.

I have always been close to her, but still feel that I must do this - will try to make it easier for her the best way I can, but at the moment think that the only way she will be happy is if I don't go.
Thanks for the hug!
Cas
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 11:02 pm
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Cas,

How do I cope with my Mum?

Well it's easy, we hardly see each other and we really don't get on as she can be a right witch (I really chose my language carefully, my sons would be proud!!!).

Mind you, we haven't told my parents yet. But she won't be heartbroken, let me put it that way. My dad, well, that's a bit different.

At least this way is better in that I won't desperately miss her when we move and no emotional blackmail card will be played.

Sorry this doesn't help your situation.

D D
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 11:25 pm
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Smile Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Originally Posted by carolinegorka
I have just had a really lovely few days away - came back and the first thing I got was hassle off my Mum about me going to Aus and that I should have phoned her whilst I was away (for f**** sake I'm nearly 40!!) etc etc.

Everyone else is pleased that I'm going or rather they are pleased for me (hope it is that way!!)

How do other people cope with the emotional backlash of emigrating whilst supporting upset parents. Sometimes I feel guilty; sometimes feel like saying 'sod it - I'm going and thats that'
Any tips for making it easier for those involved?
thanks, Cas
Hi Cas

I know just what you are going through, my mum’s the same at the mo. If there is a negative then she spends more time thinking of that than the 200 positives that she should be spending most her time thinking about.

I think mums love you to bits and want the best for you, but on the other hand human nature takes over sometimes and that involves (unknowingly) selfish thoughts. Putting it simply, what that person wants is for you to stay with them because they will miss you.

It’s a vicious circle Cas and the answer is different for every body to cope with including our mums. Hope things get sorted before you go over, after all your only be a few hours away on a big silver bird, even less on the phone or web cam.
All the best Cas

Glen & Sue

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Old Oct 18th 2004, 11:45 pm
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Originally Posted by carolinegorka
I have just had a really lovely few days away - came back and the first thing I got was hassle off my Mum about me going to Aus and that I should have phoned her whilst I was away (for f**** sake I'm nearly 40!!) etc etc.

Everyone else is pleased that I'm going or rather they are pleased for me (hope it is that way!!)

How do other people cope with the emotional backlash of emigrating whilst supporting upset parents. Sometimes I feel guilty; sometimes feel like saying 'sod it - I'm going and thats that'
Any tips for making it easier for those involved?
thanks, Cas
Mothers always treat their sons as though they are 12 year olds even when they are in their 40's.

Last edited by aussie73; Oct 19th 2004 at 12:00 am.
 
Old Oct 18th 2004, 11:48 pm
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

My Mum spent years trying to control my life, often in a way that I can only describe as bitter and nasty. She completely failed once I'd left home, simply because I'm too much of an independent spirit to tolerate that sort of treatment, which is why our relationship was so bad for so long.

However, as her short term memory has all but gone and the rest is deteriorating, the upshot of this unfortunate illness of hers is that she can no longer remember being nasty to me in the past and we now get on much better.

As far as Aus is concerned....I don't think she really even begins to understand that I'm serious about this.
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 12:31 am
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Originally Posted by tonyk38
My Mum spent years trying to control my life, often in a way that I can only describe as bitter and nasty. She completely failed once I'd left home, simply because I'm too much of an independent spirit to tolerate that sort of treatment, which is why our relationship was so bad for so long.

However, as her short term memory has all but gone and the rest is deteriorating, the upshot of this unfortunate illness of hers is that she can no longer remember being nasty to me in the past and we now get on much better.

As far as Aus is concerned....I don't think she really even begins to understand that I'm serious about this.
I think the key is to live for the present and not to bear grudges - especially when things have happened out of your control which is often the case when young. Also important to build your life as you want it - as long as no offence is meant or displayed.
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 12:52 am
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Originally Posted by carolinegorka
I think the key is to live for the present and not to bear grudges - especially when things have happened out of your control which is often the case when young. Also important to build your life as you want it - as long as no offence is meant or displayed.
Too true. I've always done things pretty much as I've wanted to, as I can be pretty stubborn when I want to be. And I'm not an antisocial bugger so I think that my motives for moving down under are the right ones.

Best of luck with resolving issues with your Mum, Cas. I don't envy you. Hope it all works out for the best.
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 10:59 am
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

I think I'm lucky, as my Mum has known all along about my wish to move to Australia. She actually gave me the money to apply, so, weren't it for her, I couldn't have done it!

However, it's not like she's happy that I might be moving to the other side of the world. Everytime I happen to casually mention it in any conversation of any kind, I see a shadow over her face, still she says nothing. She never moans or protests about it. It's going to be tough to leave her.

I do believe she's the best Mum I could have, (((((((((Mum)))))))))
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 11:54 am
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Red face Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

I have "no worries" about my mum - she is already in Australia, my mother in law has retired to Turkey too.... My biggest worry is my Dad and my Aunt, as for a considerable portion of my life my Aunt has been one of the most important people in my life - we are very close. We are so close in fact that I daren't tell her what is going on with our "Aussie Wish" until I have the Visa grant!
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 4:30 pm
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

I have the same problem , though its with the mother -in-law. My mother-in-law and i are very close. I came to the UK nearly 5 yrs ago and have go on famously with the in laws.

Unfortunatly we get a lot of grief for going. My mother -in-law often makes comments about how i am taking her baby away from her and then my sister in law starts with why are you abandoning us questions. It does get really emotinal and as we are in the last 4 wks before we go it is getting tougher, especially since the mother in law has now been diagnosed with cancer.

I am at a point whereby i have been putting off going home now for soo oooo long for the sake of other people. At the end of the day life is tooooo short and we have to do what we want. My husband is my rock and is very supportive. He is very good at telling his mum what he thinks and won't take any of her rot or comments, where as i am a lot more sensative and really just want her to be happy for us and support us.

Unfortunatley due to her attitude i have had to distance myself and not see her as much as i would like too, its called looking after number 1. with all the stress of moving and emotional rollercoaster one lives on when emigrating sometimes a little self preservation is needed.

So i guess we have all been going through some very similar situations and you just have to know in your heart that although its hard you just got to do what is right for you after all you only have one life and who knows when your time is up, so live life and live your OWN life. yes it has taken me the last 5 yrs to work that one out but we are going and that is that!!! Parents and family will just have to deal with it and so will we when we all say goodbye.

Thanks for letting me rant, you might of guessed i visited the mother in law yesterday and got and ear full and as a result have been feeling very guilty and emotional about leaving.

Good luck to all on this rollercoaster it will be worth it in the end cause you had the guts to follow your heart!!

KAte
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 4:54 pm
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Originally Posted by carolinegorka
I have just had a really lovely few days away - came back and the first thing I got was hassle off my Mum about me going to Aus and that I should have phoned her whilst I was away (for f**** sake I'm nearly 40!!) etc etc.

Everyone else is pleased that I'm going or rather they are pleased for me (hope it is that way!!)

How do other people cope with the emotional backlash of emigrating whilst supporting upset parents. Sometimes I feel guilty; sometimes feel like saying 'sod it - I'm going and thats that'
Any tips for making it easier for those involved?
thanks, Cas
Sometimes I have had to just say,'Mum....I can't cope with you right now.'

Sounds awful I know but if you always take the guilt on board you won't accomplish anything. I used to live in Japan and my mother could only call once a week due to cost. Bless her she is a gem and I love her dearly but when I got home to the UK we nearly had some serious rows because she kept calling me constantly! And I felt like you do....'For Gods sake mum I'm an adult!!' If I left the room she'd always ask me where I was going. This went on for weeks until I shouted,'I'm going for a pooh...is that ok with you?!!'

It's only because they love us......but don't feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty for.
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 5:37 pm
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Originally Posted by carolinegorka
I think the key is to live for the present and not to bear grudges - especially when things have happened out of your control which is often the case when young. Also important to build your life as you want it - as long as no offence is meant or displayed.

That is a great comment. Im in the process of trying to rebuild a relationship with my 'orrid in laws....Im doing it for my husbands sake . We havent spoken for months for reasons I will not bore you with, but comparisons with Saddam Hussain are not far wide of the mark where my MIL is concerned Anyway, hopefully this issue with the SIR will be resolved and I can leave the UK with a clear conscience and no ill will to my M&FIL.

My mother was really in a bad way over our plans to go until she REALLY surprised me last week by doing something very proactive to help try and resolve the situation with the visa. She then turned around and said 'when you love someone, no matter how painful it is and how selfish you want to be, you have to let them go if that is what is best for them'. I totally love her for saying that as I know how hard she is taking all this. We see each other most days and speak at least three times so Im under no illusions as to how hard this will be!

Lucy
xx
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Old Oct 19th 2004, 5:59 pm
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Default Re: How do you cope with your Mum??

Originally Posted by carolinegorka
I have just had a really lovely few days away - came back and the first thing I got was hassle off my Mum about me going to Aus and that I should have phoned her whilst I was away (for f**** sake I'm nearly 40!!) etc etc.

Everyone else is pleased that I'm going or rather they are pleased for me (hope it is that way!!)

How do other people cope with the emotional backlash of emigrating whilst supporting upset parents. Sometimes I feel guilty; sometimes feel like saying 'sod it - I'm going and thats that'
Any tips for making it easier for those involved?
thanks, Cas
Hi Cas,
My mum seemed to have me over an emotional barrel most of the time and then one day I said calmly but firmly that she has had her life and now it's time for me to have mine. Amazingly this did the trick and when i told her about Oz she was thrilled. She also said that she was very sad but for selfish reasons. I must be honest I never thought I'd see the day that she would 'let me go'. Just hang in there and if it's really what you want don't give up. She'll get over it.
Hugs
Sarah
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