bigdreamer22

Hi

My husband and I have been toying with the idea of moving to Oz for several years but just as I think I have reconciled myself to think about applying I just come up against the brick wall of not being able to leave my parents or in-laws.

We have two young children who adore their grandparents and spend a great amount of time with them. Our parents in turn would be devastated to saythe very least. I too am very close to my parents and they are a tremendous help - DIY, childcare, financially!!

I dream of a better life for my children - outdoor living, the beach, less negativity about life. better weather (not to spend 8 months of the year slave to the weather) but I worry that the loss and guilty of leaving family will be too great.

Everyone says that they will come out and visit but once a year is a long time waiting..and there will come a time that they won't be financially or age wise able to do that.

The problem is I spend my days here just thinking of bad points of the UK instead of just getting on with it. I wake up thinking about Oz vs UK and go to bed thinking the same. The only time I don't is when the sun shines here and I think perhaps everything in UK will be just fine (but that ain't often!! Perhaps I am sun-deprived!!)

But I worry about my parents getting old without me around. I feel sad that they wouldn't see their much loved grandchildren grow up but at the same time will I spend my life regretting it if I stay here. :curse:

I guess my question is - how did you do it? And is there anyone for whom it was too much and couldn't do.

CosmicBertie

Hmmm. Good question. Its slightly easier for us as my wifes parents live in Victoria, and she wants to go and live near them.

The kids are a different kettle of fish. The eldest (14) doesnt want to go because she'll leave all her friends. The middle one (10) does, because she gets to see her Nanny, and the little one (3) just wants to play with cars (we accepted that as a 'yes' hey, it was a deal clincher )

The question is, have you actually spoken to your parents/in-laws? You may be surprised. Like any decent parent, you want what is the best for your children, and when they are child age, you make that decision for them. But when they become adults ( or, as some of us never really grow up, adult age) they get to make their own decisions, and sometimes they make good ones

Personally, I thought my parents would react in the way that you're thinking your parents will, however, they basically smiled and said, ' i dont blame you, this place is going to the dogs'

Is your glass half full, or half empty? Dont forget, its only a plane flight away....

Damson

We were absolutely dreading telling our parents, especially as they adore our kids (age 4and7) and the guilt is so hard to bear. The reaction of my dad was the one I was dreading most. As it turned out, out of the 4 parents, he was and is brilliant and is actually keen for me to go. He says that, apart from our families there really is nothing here for kids when they grow older and that he doesn't blame us for at least trying to get a better life for him and that our job is to do what we think best for our own families. My mum is in denial and changes the subject everytime Oz is mentioned and the in-laws are trying not to show their feelings and are outwardly encouraging. It really is a mixed bag and it may well be that once it's out in the open fully, they don't react as badly as you think.
I do feel sick sometimes at the thought of what we are doing, but I believe that it's at least a try for the kids' sake. Good luck with your decision - it truly is a nightmare.
Lorraine

moneypenny20

Way too simplistic. It's a plane flight that costs one hell of a lot of money, the time away is not the easiest to plan depending on the company you work for and other problems. If you have to book an emergency flight back, it's never just 24 hours.

If you're deep in the lives of your parents and in laws and the children are close and see them several times a week I think it must be a huge struggle and I'm very grateful we didn't have that problem. There is nothing worse than being people sick from what I understand from others and nothing eases the pain.

I think you, as a family, have to be incredibly strong to move under those circumstances and it's a huge gamble.

CosmicBertie

Why make life complicated? Simplistic is less stressful And why concentrate on the 'what if' scenarios? (Unless its 'What if i really enjoy it?' )

Besides, I meant that parents/family/friends will generally want to come out and see what Oz is all about.

Oh Im sure Oz has telephones and interweb access too, so keeping in touch isnt that hard.

But like other people have stated, you never know until you try it.

moneypenny20

I am a glass half full person and always have been. I have never been into the what if scenarios. What will be will be etc. However for many people phones and web access just does not do it (judging by people's comments on here).

My family, much as they love me, have shown no interest in coming out to see us and Australia. Money and their holiday allocations is mainly responsible (as well as not wanting to sit in a tin can for a minimum of 24 hours). Maybe they don't love me after all

Zambia

I quote my mother directly

"I think your f**king mental going to live there"

I cant think why I didn't go sooner

Kingseat

All our family live in Oz now. The hard bit for us is coming home after a holiday.

Mother in Law will however likely remain here. She's the sort of person who doesn't see the good in everything. Everything needs to revolve around her. She had a bad negative attitude. I am happy to leave her behind. As is her son. Might sound horrible thing to say but she made her bed.

Kath & Graham

I felt terrible leaving my parents as I was very close to my Mum, unfortunately she died very suddenly while we were in Oz and we came back to UK as I was missing what I thought was a better life back here (and guilt about leaving them) My Dad was very ill when we came back and we have been back a year now and finally I have realised as much as I love him my life is my children and OH and as they were really happy over in Oz we have decided to return, with my Dad agreeing its what we want out of life.

So now we are desperately trying to secure work before we can go back as I think it is important. So I would say go and see how you get on, that all anyone can do.

Good luck

Kath

suzyambrose

At the end oF the day, like other's have said you don't know until you try and you don't want to regret it in a few years time. We're putting OUR family first (me hubby and kids) I don't want to begrudge them a better childhood if we can give it to them by moving to oz.

Kath & Graham

I wouldnt say its necessary a better life I think in some respects its different. When I look at photos of my kids there they look healthier and happier. Definately worth a try if you havent been before. As someone said you do seem to do the same old stuff but there are different things to do (if you know what I mean ) We lived in Perth and instead of planning a seaside holiday each year we did it every day in the summer after school (saved a fortune)

astonmartinv8

We arrived in Perth October 2008 after 5 years in the planning (and a 2 month trip getting here). We got our visa's ourselves and validated them in early 2006.

There is only my wife and I. My parents, particularly my Mum, were quite upset but supportive. My wife's family were "go for it", we'd love somewhere new to go on holiday.

When we were over here in Dec 2006, actually signing the spec off for a house we were going to build, I got a call in Margaret River that my Mum had a stroke (totally out of the blue - until then she was 100% healthy) and that she would not recover. We found out at 0300 UK time on the Thursday and we were at the hospital in the UK at 1300 on the Friday, not that it would have made any difference if we had been down the road. We decided to stay in the UK for longer and that is why we didn't come for nearly another two years.

In the meantime there was a massive amount of soul searching - should we leave the family, should we leave my Dad, conversations with friends and family over and over again. The leaving do's were awful, in the 3 weeks before we left I was meeting friends / family every night and most lunchtimes. If people think they will never see you again, prove them wrong.

My view / justification to myself is - we are not leaving anyone, we are merely moving to a place a little further away to give ourselves what we hope will be a better life. We are not dying, it doesn't have to be the last time we see someone. We can communicate (we do, using Skype video regularly). Also, how often do you really see most of the family? In my case, the first time I had seen many of them for years was at the leaving party (I still love them lots). In fact I am in touch with many people now more than I was before we left! Think about family members living in the UK, but that you don't see that regularly, what is the difference? I popped back for 4 days in December to see my new nephew - it was like "Hello, you are back quick" but life goes on. My friends and family seemed to get upset at the point we left because they imagine they will never see us again (and this made us upset) but when I popped up, it was just business as usual.

We are keeping money in the bank / plane tickets on hand to go back should we want to. We plan to go back once a year. We are also keeping open minds. We have invited firends and family over and they are coming. It is just like the rush before Christmas where you try to get round and see everyone and we all say, "if I don't see you again, have a good one" then a week later you se everyone again and it is business as usual.

I personally think the distance changes nothing, except the frequency of face-to-face meet ups. What if something happens people say? Well, what if you are on holiday and something happens (like I was)? It is the same. If visits were infrequent before, there is no real change. If you are close to someone, you need to find ways to communicate and / or get together - extended trips for example (my Dad is planning to come over for 2 months later this year). If you need to see people, then plan to go back more often. Treat the journey like a short trip. Remember, if you drive to the South of France / top of Scotland from London it takes nearly as long.

One last point. My sister in law went to work straight in Germany after graduating. My sister went to Denmark for a year when she did. No-one commented, no-one even saw it it as a problem. Because they were not ASKED! They both visited once in a year. My sister in law went straight to the US to live, without consultation or discussion. Again, no-one commented. She has been there for more than 5 years and has been back 2/3 times. Everyone is fine with it. Sometimes I think talking about it endlessly makes it far more painful that it need be as you are imagining something bad that probably will not happen. In some cases it seems better just to do it and deal with the difficulties after.

Think - if every time you said bye to a mate, you said to yourself "Is this the last time I will see this person" you would get sad and neurotic. Then why do it when you are going to live a little further away?? There is no difference except frequency of meet-ups which you can compensate for in part, and if you are very lucky, in whole.

Just my personal views, but I hope they help.

Cheers,

Marcus.

fific

It's the hardest part of the move and not one I am reconciled to - I talk to my Mum and friends in the UK all the time but as others have said it's just not the same.

I think of my Mum and my best friends every day wishing I could be sharing my experiences with them - have made great friends here but have only known them a short while - my friends at home however go back a lifetime.

I am glad we have had this experience if only to know myself better and understand fully the things that are really important to me. We go back for a visit this year and we can then see how we feel. Might not be as much fun actually being with family and friends as I think - somehow I doubt that though.

homewardbound

I completely understand, as a single parent I relied so much on my parents... but anyway other than the tears at the airport... I am soooo happy and so are the kids... The kids used to spend virtually every other weekend at my parents, they are very close... But its all good.

A good book to read is Feal the Fear and do it Anyway by Susan Jeffries - that was my clincher of being able to let go and stand on my own two feet.

emigratingherberts

"I popped back for 4 days in December to see my new nephew"



For us to pop back (me and 3 kids - oh staying here) it costs just over $10,000 each time. Popping back may not be an option for everyone or even a yearly visit. Friends and family all say they will come out but when they discover the cost its a bit of a shock.

Sorry to sound negative. We are all happy here but the reality of popping back is not what it seems.