ausi dream

I am glad that it has turned out well for you all.
I wish that my sons girlfriend could see what a great opportunity it is for my son as well, but i have the feeling that she has been convincing him not to go, and not realising that she too could go.

Baby75

wow you are very brave that would kill me i doubt ild have let go back her being only 14 no offense intended but i know how determined we can be as teenagers when we want to and for their relationship to last that long apart says something

moneypenny20

My girls are younger but my nieces are in their 20's, first one went off to Poland to work at 19 and the younger one went to Uni at 18. They are adults and as such are able to do what they want with their lives. Telling your son that you won't go without him, sounds, to me like horrible blackmail. I would have been horrified if my parents had ever said anything like that to me at that age and being a selfish teenager with my own life I'd have told them what they could do.

I've now grown up a bit but still feel very uneasy about someone saying that. If you didn't go, because of him, and in six months time he decides that he and his girlfriend are going to move to the US (an example, nothing more), what would you do? follow him for ever more, or stay put and hope he comes back?

I think you should be proud he's willing to give standing on his own two feet a go, it means you've made a damn good stab of bringing him up.

I also think it sounds incredibly selfish that you want him to come with you but that you are willing to find a way for his girlfriend to leave her family to make yours happy.

Sorry if I've not said what you want to hear but I felt I had to say it.

wardy2

We are in exactly the same position our 19 year old son who has had a girlfriend for 2 years, she is studying to be a teacher.

He wouldnt even contemplate coming just to validate his visa after lots of tears and worries he has agreed but in order to do that we have to bring and pay for his girlfriend to come with him on the validation trip.

He is now doing well for himself here and is trying to find a flat with friends he asks why we are leaving him and that he will have no mum and dad here with him.

I explain everything and that having the visa will give him options and possibly be able to bring his girlfriend out as she would like to teach abroad.

I think its the hardest thing I have ever had to decide about, but he is living his own life now practically and he has to decide what he wants if he has his visa there will always be a room for him he knows that.

For my son validating his visa will give him plenty of time to choose 5 years is such a long time in anyones life for things to change.

It's really quite an emotional subject isn't it.

ausi dream

:curse: Excuse me!!!!! Firstly- I have NEVER told my son we would not go without him, and i do not like you implying that i have.
If you read back you will see that i have said my husband and i have discussed together if we should stay if our son decides he does not want to go.
If you read you will see i have always put:- If he came/Would be an option for him/Put to my son/Mentioned to our son/ NEVER blackmailed him, this is why we are giving him the CHOICE.
Secondly- As for you referring to me following him forever more as you so put it, my son is well travelled and has been to many country's and my posting on here was to find an option for his girlfriend to be able to come over if they both so WISHED, which a lot of nice people have given me.
I certainly have never stood in the way of what my son wants to do and certainly DO NOT blackmail him.
Why do you think i have posted on here, to find the best options open for my son and his girlfriend to come over if they BOTH SO WISH.
And yes you have upset me.:curse:

ausi dream

It is very much an emotional time, and i wish you all the best.
It is a good thing that he has decided to go and validate his visa, once he has done that it gives him a lot more options.

Baby75

I have to say that i disagree Money penny i never got the impression that they intentionally or unintentionally blackmailed their son by saying they wouldn't go with out him
Ausi dream is trying to gather all their options so they can give it to their son and let him make up his own mind like any parent they would rather he came with them ild feel the same but if he decides no he wont come then so be it they will support him

I also think your comment
(I also think it sounds incredibly selfish that you want him to come with you but that you are willing to find a way for his girlfriend to leave her family to make yours happy.)
was very harsh so should she stay at home because it makes her mother sad if she leaves !! that would make her mother selfish would it not !!!!

I cant blame ausi dream for being hurt and annoyed about your post you have picked it up wrong

ausi dream

I'm sorry i am going to have to go for the time being, be back later.

wardy2

not quite sure what to say to you ausi dream

This is such an emotional time for any of us delaing with this issue and I have to say I am upset for you as it makes me think of my own situation.

I think the comment about selfishness was very harsh by moneypen and we are all trying to do the best by our families.

bluekipper

These immigration forums are for help/support/advice, over the yrs Ive used this one and another one I wont mention-you always get arrogant unthought out remarks! it makes me so mad when having beent thru emmigrating myself these ppl think they can have an opinion which bears no help or advice! these are the very type of ppl I stayed away from in OZ!

you look thru every option for your son and his G/F,, wishing you lots of luck and hope they do decide to go for this opportunity with you.

bluekipper

scratchey

here's my 2 pence on this subject. we have had our visas for over a year now and we still cant take the step to move. i have 2 children from my first marriage 18 and 21. i dont know if i could settle without them. it would be different if it didnt cost as much for a return ticket, then they could visit a few times a year, but i know we couldnt afford to bring them over that often. even once a year would be a financial struggle. and i would hate it if visits fizzled out to once every few years. i think most parents fell like they would be abandoning their kids. (its not easy being a parent)
i guess it must be hard for some of them, having to choose between their girlfriend and their family. different if they wont come because of their mates.

ausi dream

Thank you for all your support, and will keep posting to let you know how things are going.

Baby75

hope it all works out for every one

Ozzy dog

Look I really feel that Moneypen hasn't stepped over the mark. It is very easy to 'unwittingly' put pressure on our children. Just because they turn 18 doesn't mean that they cease to be our children.

Perhaps this will give you the opportunity to look at your own motivation, gather all your information then present some options to your son and his girlfriend. I remember my son saying to me, "just because its your dream doesn't mean its mine!" You could be putting yourself through hell with the 'but what ifs' and she may have absolutely no intention of even thinking about Oz. Just a thought.

Also you have said that he keeps changing his mind, could be scared you know, when I talked it through with my eldest (believe me this was a very emotional discussion) it boiled down largely to fear.

Try to think about ways of making it easy to come with you with as many options as possible. Rather than hard for him to stay. It may put the focus in a more productive place.

As one parent to another my thoughts are with you, try not to read too negative point into the responses that your not too keen on, think of it as food for thought. An opportunity to play devils advocate with the subject, after all it may be the reaction her mother gives if / when she's aware of all this.

Good luck

T

dcampbell

I agree, I think moneypenn made some valid points, but I do think it couldve been put as nicely as you said it

Sitting on the fence (its hurting )

Denise