Bestbud

Please help...tell me of your experiences either good or bad.
What an unbelievable dilemma I am facing. I am 45, have 3 kids (19, 16 & 12) and have been unhappy, though loyal, in my marriage for years. I feel my marriage is over. I have visited an extended family member in Oz twice more recently and have found a wonderful man there. He & I feel that this is the real deal and that we are very much in love. What do I do? My kids will be all grown up soon. Is this my time to be happy? Is the cost too high? How will my kids cope? Could this be opening doors for them? I have no extended family in UK who will give me support....I am very lost & confused.
Bestbud x

Bestbud

Hi Ozzy Fever
You have sent me a message but I can't open it...please advise
Bestbud x

comet555

You need to have at least 3 posts in order to send or receive private messages. It looks like you have 4 so you should be able to open it now. If not just make a quick reply and you should be able to.

Officer Dibble

If you could somehow marry this bloke and get your kids access to Australia then go for it.

moneypenny20

You will need approval from the children's father that he will allow them to leave the country (not the eldest one of course). You would also obviously need to be divorced before you could start the process for getting a spouse visa and if you were going to go for a De Facto visa you would need at least 12 months cohabitation with the Australian partner before applying.

I think, from what you've written, you could have trouble in having any of the children join you, especially if they have a good relationship with their father. By the time you come to actually move, the eldest two are unlikely to want to move and the youngest could make things very awkward and be very settled in school and starting GCSEs.

Something to think about.

jad n rich

How about he moves to the UK for a while, so you dont have to leave your kids one of them is only 12.

Once they are grown up, then leave them.

Or as MP says is the childs father willing to let them move to OZ, and will the aussie bloke be quite so happy if hes getting woman and 3 teens moving in with him not just you.

Do the older teens even want to give up their UK life for OZ, many wouldnt.

Also dont get swept up with moving to OZ, check it out not in holiday/fallen in love mode, or like many women on this board swept off feet by an aussie you might end up making a sacrifice huger than you could ever imagine.

Pollyana

Wise words

jad n rich

Once bitten Buyer beware

JenniGee

What a horrendous dilemma for you!

There's so much for you to take on board & it is really hard for anyone to advise you...it just wouldn't be fair.

Moving to Oz is not easy. I've been trying to get there for almost 3 years with my 2 teenagers with my ex-hub opposing me every step of the way...in terms of whether you would get permission from a Judge, I don't know...our Judge commented that he thought our relationship was "new", even though we have all been together for 6 years...would a Judge let you take your youngest child away from their father to live with a man they haven't met...? Honestly, it sounds harsh, but I wouldn't think so - it would all depend on what your child said.

Absolutely I wouldn't presume to advise on whether I think you should leave your children behind, only you would know that. I know from my experience I left my eldest daughter, aged 17 at the time, with her grandparents when I moved to Devon with my ex. Now she's 25 she says that even though she was adamant that was what she wanted at the time, she always regrets not coming & that she feels that for her, 17 was too young to be left feeling abandoned by her mum. Again, I re-iterate, when she was 17, that was what she was saying she wanted....I think you'll find many people here report having older kids who refuse to migrate & then change their minds in a couple of years...but then again, older kids sometimes do migrate but then change their mind & return to friends in the UK....that will be something you have to resolve with your own family, but I can only tell you my experience; with hindsight, I should never have left her.

Sorry this is getting so long-winded...it isnt meant to be judgemental in any way, it's just that I think you have a helluva lot of thinking to do & will probably come to the conclusion in the end, that it's pretty much a no-win situation....would he move to the UK for you for a couple of years maybe, just while the kids get over the shock of you & their father splitting up?

Best of luck & feel free to pm me if you like

alipally

Your children only get one shot at their childhood, but your commitment is NOT forever, they will grow up.

Children learn what they live, and, although 12 might seem old enough to understand, and on a superficial level, it is.
Being equipped to live with the consequences is something quite different. Divorce is hard, on everyone. I think that Living with the desertion of parent as well. will only add to that burden. (I know that you are not thinking of deserting your children, but, if they can't/won't come to Aus this is how it will/could be perceived by them)

Our actions directly affect our children. Not only now but for many many years to come.

Yes, your own happiness is important, but if it is the 'real deal', could it wait until your children are old enough to make their own lives, making do with a part-time relationship for now?
I cant' tell you what you should do, I'm not walking in your shoes.

The only thing I would say is, be very sure of what is most important. You are the one who will have to live with the consequences, both immediate and in the years to come.

My son was 19 and at University, when we (my hubby and I) left the UK. He says that he still feels 'deserted' by us, even though it was his choice to stay behind. (and we continued to pay a monthly allowance!) I dont' know if I would have stayed if I knew he would feel this way before we left.

You are the only one who walks in your shoes and only you, know what's best for you and your children, and therefore, ultimately, only YOU can make the decision.

I don't envy you, but do wish you happiness.

Bestbud

Wow...thanks everyone for your responses....it does help my thinking processes.
The possibility of Aussie man coming to the UK is very very slim....he is 60, though incredibly youthful he would probably struggle big time to find work. Without an income and I have few funds we would be in huge danger of failing before the first hurdle.
My hubby is in agreement that all of our children are able to make up their own minds about moving to Oz and he wouldn't stand in their way...at all. Hubby is being very understanding though torn apart.
My children all know my Aussie man.

Today I am feeling extremely mixed up and really quite negative....one day at a time hey.

Unfortunately I have no extended family to support and sadly feel pretty lost.

Thanks to all.....and please continue to add your comments.
Bestbud
x

lynetteh

Personally I belive that you can only really understand that impact of a divorce on kids if you have been the child of a divorce yourself.
My parents divorced when I was 14 and even though it was amicable and my dad still lived in the same state I really regret not having had more time with him in my teen years. Had I had to leave one parent on a different continent I think it would have reduced the quality of our relationship forever. I am now 34 and am still affected and hurt by my parents divorce.
(By the way at the time I told both parents I was completely fine, and happy to go along with what my mother wanted, because at that age I, and them, had no comprehension of the long term effect. Just because your children say they are happy to stay/go does not mean it is good for them)
12 is just too young, either to leave behind, or to remove from his/her father.
Sorry to be blunt, but love affairs can come and go, you only have one childhood in which to nuture your children.

bobbarker12345

i was moved to the USA from england when i was 15. the magnitude of such a move at that age is catastrophic. i wont bore you with my life story, but teenage years are really important years when kids are trying to figure out who they really are and are dealing with a lot of complex issues. the most important thing for kids i think is stability. moving to the other side of the world wont help them i wouldnt have thought.

JAJ

Nor the one aged 16.

roaringmouse

Incorrect - according to Page 23/24 of Booklet 1 the requirement is for children under the age of 18 when applying for the visa mentioned.