Herman

Its probably an old one, but...


The Australian Way

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He
walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order,
Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and may be she can then shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and my
parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN - THINKS AUSTRALIAN!

WBB

nice one

Pollster

Just to get a bit of a joke thread going - how's about this?


Kiwi rugby supporter, Wiremu, was experiencing pain in the nether regions and sought advice from an Aussie doctor. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and
that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"

The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you huv prostate
suckness, ey".

"What's the cure thin doc, ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me...

CROSSY

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination."First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making
love to his girlfriend. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah", says the coroner, "this ... is the most unusual one, Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

CROSSY

Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese
man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as
lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.
She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously
attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during
the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up
to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked
into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room,
exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man
can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up,
walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

steandleigh

LMAO!!!!

Badge

CLASS!!

Kentish Man

Bruce is driving across the Sydney Harbour Bridge late at night when he spots his girlfriend. "What in Christsname you doin' Charlene?" he asks.
"I'm throwin' meself off Bruce. You've got me pregnant and I'm only 16."
"Ah, come on love. There's no need to be rash", he reasons.
"We can't bring a child up" replies Charlene. "You spend all your money on beer, you just lie around the house all day watching TV and refuse to get a job, it's hopeless".
Bruce reflects for a second and then says. "Hey Charlene, not only are you a great root. You're a good sport too!"

SteveBannister

Bill and Ben were lying in bed. Bill turned to Ben and said, "Flob-dob-a-dob!". Ben turned back to Bill and said, "If you really loved me you'd swallow that!"

Wol

Charlie comes home early one afternoon and finds his pretty young wife under the neighbour.

After chasing wife from the house he rushes back into the bedroom, where the neighbour is hastily pulling his pants back on. Charlie grabs neighbour, frogmarches him into his workshop cum shed, and sticks his whizzer into the vice on the worktable. Tightening up the vice until said whizzer is firmly held in place, he takes the vice handle out and throws it out of the window.

Charlie then takes a very large, very blunt knife out of the rack and lays it on the bench.

"Christ", yells the neighbour - "You're not going to cut my thingy off, are you?"

"No", says Charlie. "YOU are - I'm going to set fire to the shed!"

Paul&Ann-Marie

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and
go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy
and Aunt Jane in a"Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this
so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and
starts to tell his mother excitedly...."MOMMY, MOMMY! !
I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND.."Mommy tells him to slow down.
She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at
the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane."
"I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy......."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the
undressing.....them laying down on the seat.....and then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Paul

Pollster

For the first time today I am smiling!

Pollyana

Brightened my morning up no end! Love 'em guys, got any more?!

downunderpom

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"

OzTennis

'Mummy, I didn't know that the girl next door is bionic'.

'Bionic dear, that's stupid'.

'She is!'

'That's is nonsense, what makes you think that the girl next door is bionic?'

'Well, I just heard Daddy say that he would like to screw the a**e off the girl next door'.



OzTennis