mick n cheryl

A man bursts through the front door of his house yelling to his wife, "Pack
your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000....Woooohooo!!!!"
"That's great sweetie" she replies. "Do I pack for the beach or the
mountains?" "Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"



A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side
of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into
the car. She says "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?
"Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. She asks,
"What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."



A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly
impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the
purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so
special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of
course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear
Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!



A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He
notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says
to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask
how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a
tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous
blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there So, instead of
saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like
two pickets to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one. "The first guy
replied, " Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was
at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please
pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my
life you fat evil slag'."



Phone Tale:
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?" "No,Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Daddy
says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Oh Yes, I do, and he's
upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!" "Uh, Okay, then ... here's what
I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up
outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl
comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what
happened?" he asks. "Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went
flying out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my God!!!!! And
what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he
was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ...
but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean
it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead
too."

***long pause***

***more pause****

Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"



The new American Marine Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a remote
post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel
hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is
kept there. "Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250
men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ..m-m-m....urges.
That's why we have the camel, sir." The American Captain says, "I can't say
that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own
urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to
his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls
down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he
asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it? "Uh, no sir", the Sergeant
replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."




Mick

Don

Oldies but goldies.

cuthere

Good stuff. Read some of them before but it is always funny to read them again.

mick n cheryl

What about this selection just added to General notice board as well

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk . .
>
>
>
> a) Innovative
>
> b) Preliminary
>
> c) Proliferation
>
> d) Cinnamon
>
>
>
> Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .. .
>
>
>
> a) Specificity
>
> b) British Constitution
>
> c) Passive-aggressive disorder
>
> d) Transubstantiate
>
>
>
> Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk ...
>
>
>
> a) Thanks, but I don't want a shag tonight
>
> b) Nope, no more booze for me.
>
> c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>
> d) No kebab for me, thank you.
>
> e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
>
> f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
>
> g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
>
> h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero
> co-ordination.
>
> i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
>
>
>
> And as an added extra;
>
>
>
> "I must be going home now as I have work in the morning."


Mick