OzTennis

(With thanks to Tom O'Connor)

The police follow a lorry (truck if you're in Oz) down the motorway (freeway) and notice that the driver keeps on stopping and banging the side of the vehicle. This continues for miles (kilometres) so they pull him over for an explanation.

"Well, you see, my load limit is 7.5 tons (tonnes) and I have 10 tons (tonnes) of budgies on board. I have to keep banging the side to make sure at least a quarter of them are flying".

OzTennis

neal

Well I'm having a dismal week and you managed to make ME smile...sooooooo,got any more????? Mrs.Neal

OzTennis

Another Tom O'Connor I think I posted in another thread for some reason:

Man goes to the doctor after his tests and the doctor says 'you've either got dyslexia or arthritis'. 'I need to know which it is doctor' says the man. 'OK', says the doctor, 'I want you to go home and look up dyslexia in the dictionary'. 'If you can find it, you've got arthritis'.

OzTennis

Jimbo9

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "I'm sorry officer, I had it on cruise
control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the
passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car
doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for
once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your
radar
detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth,

"Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That 's an automatic GBP75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license

out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F--K UP?!"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


WAIT FOR IT............





WAIT FOR IT............




WAIT FOR IT . . . . ....... . . . . . . . . . . .








"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

neal

Thanks Guys. Mrs.N

OzTennis

Good one jimbo. Here's a Glaswegian/Scots joke about Rangers who are not doing too well at the moment as told by a Celtic supporter:

"What's the telephone number for the Rangers helpline?"

0800 101010

Pronounced 'Ah hate hunner won nothing, won nothing, won nothing'

OzTennis

(If ya' dinna' ken Rangers are called The Hun by some Celts)

Andy66

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!! ALL ARE WELCOME!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Starting this month!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

CLASSES FOR WOMEN..
Subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha)
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only


Andy

neal

This is SO funny .And also very true.Well...most of it Mrs.N

markeh

Hi OzTennis,

the problem was, that it was a refrigerated lorry

Bye
Mark

Andy66

Andy

neal

Ingredients:

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
1 bottle whisky
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup brown sugar
8 oz nuts
juice one lemon


Christmas Cake Recipe:

Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.Check the whisky again.To be sure it is of the highest quality,pour one cup and drink.Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer,beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.Add one tsp. sugar and beat again.Make sure the whisky is still okay.Cry another tup.Turn off the mixerer.Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dried fruit.Mix on the turner.If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check tonsisticity.

Next sift two cups of salt.Or something.Who cares?

Check the whisky.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.Add one table.Spoon.Or something.Whatever you can find.Grease the oven.Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turnerer.Throw the bowl out of the window.,check the whisky again and go to bed.

Mrs.N

artep

Nuns have to enter heaven via a different gate than other souls. Here they have to confess one last sin before they achieve salvation. A queue of nuns were waiting at this gate ready to be made into angels. St. Peter told them all that they must all confess one last sin before they were allowed through the gates and be made angels.

The first nun said to St. Peter that she had once touched a mans willy with the tip of her finger, whereupon St. Peter replied that she must go and wash her finger in the fountain of forgiveness. She does this and the gates of heaven open up, she sprouts wings and flies off towards the light.

Addressing the second nun in the queue he said "And have you ever touched a man's willy?". The nun replied that she had once held one in her hand and given it a bit of a massage. St. Peter replied that she should now wash her hand in the fountain of forgiveness, which she did and so was promptly admitted into heaven.

St. Peter was just turning toward the third nun in the queue, when another nun from further back in the queue hurriedly pushes her way to the front and says "If I'm going to have to wash my mouth out in this fountain, then I want to do it before sister Maria Angelica washes her bottom in it".

neal

Lovers celebrate Valentines Day Mothers celebrate Mothers day Fathers celebrate Fathers day What do w..kers celebrate? PALM SUNDAY Mr Neal

neal

Irish man wins the jackpot on the lottery, goes to corner shop to collect his winnings,girl behind counter says we can't pay out here you will have to send away for your winnings,Irish man says aahh f.ck it I'll ave me quid backMr Neal

Simone

Well, it's Saturday here, but still friday in the UK...

My dad just sent us an an email It's a miracle!!
He writes (in Dutch, but I'll translate for you )
'Now I know why you two want to go to WA!'



> > >The Golden Phone?
> > >
> > >An American decided to write a book about famous churches around
> > >the world.
> > >
> > >For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian
> > >churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Hobart,
> > >thinking that he would work his way across the country from South
> > >to North.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he
> > >noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that
> > >read
> >"$10,000
> > >per call". The writer, being intrigued, asked a priest who was
> >strolling by
> > >what the telephone was used for.
> > >
> > >The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
> > >$10,000 you could talk to God. The writer thanked the priest and
> > >went along his way. Next stop was in Melbourne.
> > >
> > >There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone
> > >with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind
> > >of
> >telephone
> > >he saw in Hobart and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
> > >She
> >told
> > >him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
> > >could
> >talk
> > >to God.
> > >
> > >"O.K., thank you," said the writer.
> > >
> > >He then traveled to Sydney,Canberra, Adelaide, Brisbane , Darwin,
> > >and Alice Springs. In every church he saw the same golden telephone

> > >with
> >the same
> > >"$10,000 per call" sign under it.
> > >
> > >The American, upon leaving Alice Springs saw a sign for Perth and
> > >decided to see if Perth had the same phone. He arrived in Perth and
> >again,
> > >there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under
> > >it
> >read "10
> > >cents per call."
> > >
> > >The writer was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
> > >"Father, I've traveled all over Australia and I've seen this same
> > >golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct
> > >line to Heaven,but in every state the price was $10,000 per call.
> > >Why is it so
> >cheap
> > >here?"
> > >
> > >The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Perth now son, it's a
> > >local call".
> > >
> > >KEEP SMILING


hehe ( I don't agree btw, but it's a nice enough city )