friday funnnies
Feb 6th 2004, 5:06 pm
#17
Re mem mem member
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Tykeland
Posts: 1,076
Heard about an alledgedly true "sledge" from international cricket. Bit rude soz.
Apparently the bowler was a bit on the chubby side and the batsman was giving him some grief saying "You're too fat to play cricket, You're too fat to bowl me out. How did you get so fat?"
Bowler said with deadpan face "Everytime I f*** your missus she gives me a biscuit!"
Even the batsman laughed.
bit of blue for the dads.....
Apparently the bowler was a bit on the chubby side and the batsman was giving him some grief saying "You're too fat to play cricket, You're too fat to bowl me out. How did you get so fat?"
Bowler said with deadpan face "Everytime I f*** your missus she gives me a biscuit!"
Even the batsman laughed.
bit of blue for the dads.....
Feb 6th 2004, 5:07 pm
#18
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Gt Yarmouth
Posts: 53
True or not true? 
Feb 6th 2004, 5:08 pm
#19
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Gt Yarmouth
Posts: 53
> > >A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the
>assistant for some
>rectum
> >deodorant.
> > >
> > >The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
>woman they don't
>sell
> >rectum deodorant, and never have.
> > >
> > >Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
>has been buying
>the
> >stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would
>like some more.
> > >
> > >"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have
>any."
> > >
> > >"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
> > >
> > >"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the
>pharmacist "Yes,"
>said
> >the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
> > >
> > >She returns with the container and hands it to the
>pharmacist who
>looks
> >at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick
>of underarm
>deodorant."
> > >
> > >Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and
>reads out loud
>from
> >the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
>assistant for some
>rectum
> >deodorant.
> > >
> > >The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
>woman they don't
>sell
> >rectum deodorant, and never have.
> > >
> > >Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
>has been buying
>the
> >stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would
>like some more.
> > >
> > >"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have
>any."
> > >
> > >"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
> > >
> > >"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the
>pharmacist "Yes,"
>said
> >the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
> > >
> > >She returns with the container and hands it to the
>pharmacist who
>looks
> >at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick
>of underarm
>deodorant."
> > >
> > >Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and
>reads out loud
>from
> >the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Feb 6th 2004, 5:11 pm
#21
Re mem mem member
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Tykeland
Posts: 1,076
Wise words for you to think about in the coming year!
Dilberts words of wisdom.......
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. (Hel: I’ve worked for people like that!)
10. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
11. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.
12. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
13. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then
beat you with experience.
14. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
15. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
16. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
17. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
(Very true...)
18. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry
clipboard.
19. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you for the rest of the day.
20. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are rarely
talking about themselves.
21. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it. (Mmm... has merits...)
22. Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
23. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail
hour.
24. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
25. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she
is supposed to be doing.
26. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.
27. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it. 28. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.
29. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
30. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
31. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
32. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
33. Following the rules will not get the job done.
34. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
35. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.
Dilberts words of wisdom.......
1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as
they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there
the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. (Hel: I’ve worked for people like that!)
10. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.
11. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.
12. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
13. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then
beat you with experience.
14. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
15. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
16. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
17. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
(Very true...)
18. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry
clipboard.
19. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you for the rest of the day.
20. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are rarely
talking about themselves.
21. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it. (Mmm... has merits...)
22. Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.
23. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail
hour.
24. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
25. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she
is supposed to be doing.
26. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.
27. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it. 28. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.
29. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
30. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
31. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.
32. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
33. Following the rules will not get the job done.
34. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
35. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.
Feb 6th 2004, 5:15 pm
#22
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Gt Yarmouth
Posts: 53
I promise last one
Feb 6th 2004, 5:19 pm
#23
Re mem mem member
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Tykeland
Posts: 1,076
Yeah apologies, my last ones too....
These are oldies but goodies..
> > > > TOMMY COOPER AT HIS BEST
> > > >
> > > > Two Aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - got married.
> > > > The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
> > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> > > > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
> > > > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> > > > "Is it common?"
> > > > "It's not unusual."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
> > > > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> > > > "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
> > > > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the
dog
> > > up
> > > > and
> > > > examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
> > > > "I"m going to have to put him down."
> > > > "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
> > > > "No. Because he's really heavy"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Guy goes into the doctor's.
> > > > "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
> > > > "How's that?"
> > > > "Don't you start"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
> > > > "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > What's brown and sounds like a bell?
> > > > DUNG
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > What do you call a fish with no eyes?
> > > > A fsh.
> > >
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > So I went to the dentist.
> > > > He said "Say Aaaaah."
> > > > I said "Why?"
> > > > He said "My dog's died."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> > > > "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "So I rang up my local swimming baths.
> > > > I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
> > > > He said "It depends where you're calling from."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "So I rang up a local building firm,
> > > > I said "I want a skip outside my house."
> > > > He said "I'm not stopping you."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
> > > > people
> > > > in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad.
> > > > Or
> > > > my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
> > > > But I think it's Colin.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and
> > > he
> > > > said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a
> > > second
> > > > time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He
> > > rang
> > > > up
> > > > a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a
> > > > tree.
> > > > And a policeman came up and said
> > > > "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was
> > > in
> > > > went
> > > > back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said
> > > to
> > > > me
> > > > "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
> > > > "Can you give me a lift?"
> > > > I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
> > > > The other one says "so are you, you fat g*t!!"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Two cannibals eating a clown.
> > > > One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the
> > > > other
> > > > was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> > > > They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
> > > > So that was nice."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you
> > > > in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
> > > > places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
> > > > Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we
> > > > both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we
> > > > decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a proper turn-off.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> > > find
> > > > any.
> > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
These are oldies but goodies..
> > > > TOMMY COOPER AT HIS BEST
> > > >
> > > > Two Aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - got married.
> > > > The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
> > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> > > > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
> > > > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
> > > > "Is it common?"
> > > > "It's not unusual."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
> > > > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> > > > "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
> > > > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the
dog
> > > up
> > > > and
> > > > examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
> > > > "I"m going to have to put him down."
> > > > "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
> > > > "No. Because he's really heavy"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Guy goes into the doctor's.
> > > > "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
> > > > "How's that?"
> > > > "Don't you start"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
> > > > "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > What's brown and sounds like a bell?
> > > > DUNG
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > What do you call a fish with no eyes?
> > > > A fsh.
> > >
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > So I went to the dentist.
> > > > He said "Say Aaaaah."
> > > > I said "Why?"
> > > > He said "My dog's died."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> > > > "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "So I rang up my local swimming baths.
> > > > I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
> > > > He said "It depends where you're calling from."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "So I rang up a local building firm,
> > > > I said "I want a skip outside my house."
> > > > He said "I'm not stopping you."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
> > > > people
> > > > in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad.
> > > > Or
> > > > my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
> > > > But I think it's Colin.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and
> > > he
> > > > said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a
> > > second
> > > > time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He
> > > rang
> > > > up
> > > > a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a
> > > > tree.
> > > > And a policeman came up and said
> > > > "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was
> > > in
> > > > went
> > > > back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said
> > > to
> > > > me
> > > > "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
> > > > "Can you give me a lift?"
> > > > I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
> > > > The other one says "so are you, you fat g*t!!"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Two cannibals eating a clown.
> > > > One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the
> > > > other
> > > > was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> > > > They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
> > > > So that was nice."
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you
> > > > in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
> > > > places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
> > > > Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we
> > > > both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we
> > > > decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a proper turn-off.
> > >
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > > > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> > > find
> > > > any.
> > > > --------------------------------------------------------------------
Feb 6th 2004, 6:39 pm
#24
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2003
Location: Perth
Posts: 102
little rude but you lot seem fairly broad minded-
A girl goes to the doctors and asks "can i get pregnant from anal sex "?
Doctor replies "of course you can - where do you think Birmingham City fans come from "
A girl goes to the doctors and asks "can i get pregnant from anal sex "?
Doctor replies "of course you can - where do you think Birmingham City fans come from "
Feb 6th 2004, 6:39 pm
#25
Anxiously awaiting March
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: dreamland
Posts: 779
Okay, most are good, a few are tirede, but PMSL anyway!! Nice one guy's. Keep up the good work. Who knows, I might be able to remember a good joke one day!!!
Feb 6th 2004, 7:32 pm
#26
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: surrey
Posts: 103
just received this thought it would be fun for friday funnies
