Friday Funnies
Jun 25th 2004, 12:57 am
#1
Guest
Posts: n/a
Friday Funnies
Friday Again!!! 
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass
flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, 'Oh,crap,
my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.' The blonde looks quizzically at
her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?' The redhead says, 'I love
getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.' The blonde says,
"Don't you have a vase?"
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.' My darling Susan,' he whispered 'Hush,
my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'
He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I
must confess to you."
'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all
right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your
sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their
sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So
we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St
Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the
same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage
daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I
found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know
she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really
shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a
deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she
is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small2-seater Cessna
plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 826
bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
night.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night,
a case of whisky a week, eat junk food, never exercise, and do pills on the
weekend."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
26 said the old man
Mick
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass
flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, 'Oh,crap,
my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.' The blonde looks quizzically at
her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?' The redhead says, 'I love
getting flowers, but he always has
expectations after giving me flowers and I just don't feel like spending
the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.' The blonde says,
"Don't you have a vase?"
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.' My darling Susan,' he whispered 'Hush,
my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'
He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I
must confess to you."
'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan. 'Everything's all
right, go to sleep.' 'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your
sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their
sons. "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So
we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St
Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the
same thing happened with my son, Pancake."
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage
daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I
found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know
she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the
other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really
shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of
condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a
deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she
is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl.
Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small2-seater Cessna
plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered 826
bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
night.
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also do a gramme of charlie a day, a spliff every night,
a case of whisky a week, eat junk food, never exercise, and do pills on the
weekend."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?'
26 said the old man
Mick
Jun 25th 2004, 2:12 am
#2
I like kittens.
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: In my own little world
Posts: 1,457
A Psychology professor was giving a lecture on Bipolar Disorder.
"Let us establish some parameters," said the professor. "Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied Bennett.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?"
"Elation, sir."
"And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy-up, sir."
An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, "Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?"
Nobody, of course raised their hand. So he issued the question again.
"Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?"
Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up.
"Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection."
The man responded, "My wife's first husband."
And finally, after last night's result.......
The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericksson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.' Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ? Is it...
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.
"Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'.
I've got Sven Goran Ericksson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds.
The next voice you hear will be Sven's".
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
"Final answer Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million Pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night.
I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"
Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."
"Let us establish some parameters," said the professor. "Now then, Bennett, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," replied Bennett.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Buston?"
"Elation, sir."
"And you Thomas, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy-up, sir."
An evangelist had a great revival camp going. One night he was up in front of a large audience, speaking on imperfection. He asked his audience towards the end, "Has anyone ever known anyone who has come CLOSE to the perfection of our lord, Jesus Christ?"
Nobody, of course raised their hand. So he issued the question again.
"Anybody! Has ANYONE ever known that kind of perfection?"
Finally a guy in the back raised his hand, so of course he was asked to stand up.
"Tell us. Tell us who you knew who was so close to perfection."
The man responded, "My wife's first husband."
And finally, after last night's result.......
The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericksson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.' Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ? Is it...
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with.
"Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'.
I've got Sven Goran Ericksson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds.
The next voice you hear will be Sven's".
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
"Final answer Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million Pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night.
I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"
Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."
Jun 25th 2004, 3:45 am
#3
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 13,233
The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
-- all the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?" -- all the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."
-- half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen my cock?"
-- all the nuns stood up.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anybody got a cock?"
-- all the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?" -- all the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them."
-- half the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen my cock?"
-- all the nuns stood up.
Jun 25th 2004, 3:52 am
#4
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 13,233
A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?" "No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?" "You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken.
Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow.
After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her.
Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs.
Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry...
His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but some spinach.
Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken.
Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow.
After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her.
Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs.
Once he is done he kicks a pig. Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry...
His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but some spinach.
Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"
"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage." Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"
Jun 25th 2004, 9:58 am
#5
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: North Lakes/Mango Hill, Brisbane
Posts: 1,134
How to shower like a woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
How to shower like a man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artifical) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumicestone.
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
How to shower like a man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Make fart noises (real or artifical) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Jun 25th 2004, 10:49 am
#6
life begins again...
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: doncaster..then scunny... now canberra.
Posts: 1,790
i thought this would be appreciated, or not.... but still funny.
Jun 25th 2004, 10:50 am
#7
life begins again...
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: doncaster..then scunny... now canberra.
Posts: 1,790
and again
